Low Level (?) emotional abuse of DCs by STBXH - WWYD?

[MsNoMoreShit]

I’ll try and keep this short.

Am middle of divorcing STBXH. We still co own the house. We have ‘custody’ arrangements in place following his insistence. He’s barely there. Just comes back to do his alternate weekends and one midweek night.

DC are 6 & 8

For years he has had anger issues that he takes out on the kids. He has never malicious hit them. He shouts at them, screams at them, grabs them tight and gets right in their faces with vile angry expressions. He argues with them like they are his peers. He talks to them like they are adults. But he demands they respect him and “you will listen to your father”. They don’t. He has marked them in the past. Either with play fighting that he has mishandled or grabbing them, lifting them up etc.

These episodes flair up every now and then and he promises to change etc.

The children have begged me to not leave them with him. Have expressed concern about being with him without me. They have once before said they wished he was dead or locked in a room forever.

When they are not with him they never ask to call him. Or even decline to call them when it’s offered. They don’t miss him, or look forward to seeing him.

This behaviour of his isn’t all the time. The children are generally happy enough in his company. They get to do lots of things and see his family lots.

No one else knows this side of him. I’ve told some close friends and I get the impression they think I’m over reacting. His family all think he is wonderful and I am hysterical.

He also does things like tells the children it’s not fair on him that he sees them less. Uses language in front of them like “it’s my weekend” or “I’ve got you tonight”. I can’t discuss his parenting with him without him shouting and screaming and swearing at me.

Last night he put the children to bed while I was out of the house (I have to leave the house while he is there to look after the children). He called me to tell me he felt bad for upsetting the children and making them cry. Apparently it’s because the ‘state’ of the house stresses him out. He said I was teaching them to be “dirty scuzzy whores”. DD left a note for me saying “you have no idea how he tortures us”. DS this morning said STBXH had got angry and “wrestled” him. DS said it hurt. He also stopped them from calling me.

Our house is in the process of being sold but is yet to exchange. I don’t have a job and only have a few thousand pounds. I’m paying 1/2 the household costs and can’t afford to move out until at least contracts and been exchanged.

Leaving the DCs with him feels like feeding them to the lions. What I really want to do is pick them up and move them far enough away so that his contact, and hopefully toxic influence, is signifcantly lessened.

I’ve asked to speak with my solicitor but I don’t think that will be today.

What do I do? Ride it up and up sticks when the house sells? Call SS???

(Sorry not at all short)

You are doing the right thing.

I reported my ex to SS after he smacked our 7 year old so hard that she had bruises and welts two days later. His family stopped talking to me - he is such a “laid back” guy in everyone else’s eyes.

But I protected my DD. He was told that he must never smack them again. He is seeing them at the moment as the Social worker said to give them the choice - they said they are happy to go as long as he doesn’t hit them. If they don’t want to go then they won’t.

He was shouting down the phone at me last night when the 13 yr old refused to go to see him and shouted “I can’t discipline him properly anymore because of what you did with social services” - when I said “so you were hitting him before?” he blustered “Well no, but I had to grab him sometimes”.

And still he wonders why his eldest child refuses to stay there... but at least I know that he will not touch them when they are there now , that they know what he did was wrong and he had to apologise and that they will tell me straight away if he behaves in an unacceptable way. That is all I can do for now.

I meant doing the right thing by contacting social services by the way - as I read it that you are doing that, hopefully I got that right..

And, I was also terrified of the fall out - but once my ex had a call from social services he piped right down. Because he is a typical bully and a coward.

It actually made me feel safer and more in control and someone else was involved who he couldn’t indimidate

I’m so scared.

I’ve just written to the schools to update them. Haven’t gone into details other than to say there’s an issue, DCs DF not to collect them from school and that I need to talk to them.

Solicitor said she didn’t think SS needed to be involved yet. So long as he does what we’re asking / telling him to do and behaves appropriately.

But are the schools going to listen to me? Agree to refuse access to one parent just on the say so of another??

The kids seemed Ok this weekend although I couldn’t talk to them for long. They were kept out late every night and spent yesterday at STBXH’s girlfriends house with her and her daughters!!!

I suggest you call the NSPCC helpline for their advice on dealing with it. Your solicitor is a legal professional but not an expert in child protection. NSPCC can advise on talking to the school and whether you need to talk to social service.

There is also the rights of women family law helpline if you want a second legal opinion.

Yes, please call NSPCC. You need advice from experts in child protection. Your solicitor is an expert in family law - that's not the same thing as an expert in child protection.

I called NSPCC as was told what has been happening wasn’t at the ‘threshold’ of involving SS unless I wanted to.

I saw the school who were v supportive.

Then the children told me he’s been smacking them. More “wrestling” this weekend. The littliest told me that he feels anxious and worried before seeing his Dad, that he doesn’t like or love him and that when he’s with him without me it feels like he doesn’t have any parents and no one loves him.

On one hand its further justification for what I’m trying to do for them. On the other it’s heartbreaking and a long terrifying road.

He slapped the 6 year old on the face. Because the 6 year slapped him. Because “I have to defend myself because no one else is there to do it”

I’m so scared.

I doubt you're more scared than your children who are being slapped about.

Stop sending them there.

If you read the thread you see I’m not sending them anywhere

Apologies, I realised that afterwards. But the facts remain, he shouldn't be seeing them anywhere.

If you both have PR the school can not stop him collecting them. But schools are pretty used to this kind of situation and the policy is normally to contact the other parent strait away and try and stall the first parent. But no they carnt legally stop them. I have been in this situation several times. Xx

I wish some PP's would appreciate that you can't just stop contact with the other parent. OP is not abandoning her children to be hurt she is doing what she is required to do unfortunately. If she simply stopped him from seeing the DC's then his solicitor will claim that she is doing it to be vindictive with a worse outcome for the DC's longer term.

Now he has slapped the 6yo you should call NSPCC again and tell them.

I’ll tell SS myself tomorrow

Kids are both asleep in my bed. Doors all locked with keys in the locks.

The littlest has recently become terrified of burglers and strangers coming upstairs at night. He’s frightened of being in his own home!! I feel so so stupid for not working it out before now

He slapped a 6 year old? For what reason? It’s only legal if as reasonable punishment. I would report the fucker to the police.

Because the 6 yo slapped him “because I have to defend myself mummy because no one else is there to do it”

I feel sick.

I couldn’t have made this stuff up

You need to go to school and tell them that you have concerns about dad's behaviour and can they arrange for a TA or pastoral care to talk to them.

Then tell the children that sometimes we have to talk through what's happening. Encourage them to talk.

It's all reported to a third party then and more likely to be believers than if it comes from you.

Hi is it possible to hide a charged mobile phone where the children can access it without his knowledge on the nights he has them? They can call or text you if they are frightened.

Are u able to install a nanny cam at your home which may catch his behaviour?

Unsure if this is legal regarding the camera but I guess it is your home.

The mobile may help the children feel safer and be a backup if something bad happens.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Please do not minimise his behaviour when speaking with the kids or they may stop trusting you and it's vital they feel they can tell you what he is doing to them.

Nanny cam is a great idea. And if the 6 year old was denfending himself against other behaviour then it isn’t reasonable behaviour. Call the police on that fucker.

I stuck with nowhere else to go. Children made no disclosures during school “wishes and feelings” sessions so schools are tied, social services not interested.

Despite me and my both solicitor telling their father I’m concerned for their safety and asking him to discuss with me how to move forward he’s refusing to communicate with me or acknowledge the children’s hurt and fears. He’s saying he’s going to collect the children from school tomorrow as planned.

I feel completely unable to protect my children.

I'm really surprised at the response from the NSPCC. Many years ago I reported my brother to them after my sister-in-law confided in me about his violence towards their eldest child (6yrs old at the time), and showed me the bruises and marks on his little body. I rang the NSPCC for advice only as I was frantic with worry, and the person I spoke to persuaded me to disclose my brother's name and address. SS paid my brother and his wife a visit that put the fear of God into my brother who valued his reputation. Unfortunately my SIL denied everything and said he's never violent. Surely what your children have told you about his violence and how they are scared of him, is enough to involve SS??

I guess the fact there are no bruises and it’s me (his divorcing wife) making the claims make it difficult 🤷🏻‍♀️