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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Physical and emotional abuse destroying me

81 replies

28forever · 29/10/2018 20:17

Really need to vent/ chat my dp is a horrible human being but I just can't seem to just end it for good.
Last weekend admittedly I had to much to drink.and over reacted when some knob in pub made a stupid comment and my partner didn't stick.up for me.but we got home and he got my hair and smashed my head into.steering wheel, dragged me from car by my hair then dragged me around kicked and stamped on me .
His gut reaction is to pull my hair and hit me at every argument. He then completely blames me the next day ! I'm apparently insecure !!
He then ends our relationship because he's sick of my shit ??? Wtf!!!
He never once said sorry.
He is just an absolute bastard and i hate his guts.
Today he was shouting my name and telling me he was going to drive me to my work to tell them he doesnt want me anymore ! He speaks to me like shit , he has spent all day telling me " fuck off dickhead "
If i ring its wtf do you want?
I'm.not perfect but he blames all his issues on me.
He has just told me to " GO get help for who you are"
I'm.just so low. Why can't I just walk away.

OP posts:
Forflipssake2 · 30/10/2018 00:43

You are not vile he is. Your friends will be waiting for you to call them. I know I would be if you were my friend. Look after yourself xFlowers

user764329056 · 30/10/2018 01:03

You need to untangle yourself from him psychologically and build some self-esteem so that he, or a similar abuser, will never have the power to hurt you again. Do you have a GP you would trust as they may be able to refer you for urgent counselling. Please get some help

Graceadlerdesigns · 30/10/2018 07:52

You are not vile, not at all.

The most important thing is that you get this man out if your life. Keep him blocked on everything. Remind yourself that every day you are not with him is a day you are free to do what you want, when you want. It's a day without treading on eggshells, violence or aggression.

Regarding the police , please consider it. You deserve justice for what he has done to you and the rest of society doesn't want someone on the streets like this who is praying upon vulnerable women.

Keep strong and get rid of this horrid excuse for a human.

Contact your friends, please. They will want to be there.

Thebluedog · 30/10/2018 08:29

You’ll be surprised at how welcoming your old friends will be. My exh was abusive during our 10 yr relationship and he alienated me from all my friends as he didn’t like me going out, or socialising. But once I. Split from him and started reaching out to the they welcomed me back with open arms. They knew it was him and not me

springydaff · 30/10/2018 08:38

You're addicted to him.

Like an alcoholic who can't put down the booze even tho it's destroying them...

Go to SLAA. At least you'll get strategies.

Do the Freedom Programme. Don't do it online, go to a course.

Be should be in prison for what he does.

Applebloom · 30/10/2018 11:36

Op you are not vile in anyway these sorts of people abusers prey on their victims. They hunt for someone they can tear down.
He targeted you
He dumps all his selfloathing on you rather than feel his own emotions
He takes his anger out on you alienates you from support because of fear they'll see the real vile person him.
These toxic types hate and are envious of everyone

Keep him blocked reach out to others for support
Your mental health and wellbeing are more important, you need time and space to heal.

Original poster
28forever · 30/10/2018 11:48

Thank you all.
I know he's deliberately fucking with me .
He needs a fucking bullet tbh

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/10/2018 12:18

Are you really going to let one disgusting coward ruin your life? You don’t live together you don’t have kids so no ties other than you allowing this cunt to physically abuse you, I’m shocked at what you’re accepting. Ok he’s got you conditioned to think it’s your fault and it’s normal to beat on a woman, now read all these replies who do you think is right now?

What a waste of your life, stop obsessing about him he’s dangerous and will either hospitalise you or kill you, he won’t go h enjoys the power of smacking you about it makes him feel good so it’s up to you OP get rid and find a normal functioning adult.

tempname111 · 30/10/2018 12:32

Good grief. I know you've blocked him but have you reported him for assault yet?

differentnameforthis · 30/10/2018 12:41

Because you think you love him
Because you think he loves you
Because you think he will change

He won't change. They never do.

Please leave him before he kills you. His level of violence is shocking considering you don't even live together. They are normally a bit more "restrained" until you can't go anywhere.

You have no ties to him. No kids, you have your own home. Find the courage to walk away, once and for all.

I live in Australia. So far this year 57 women have been killed by their partners, or ex partners. This is reality. This will be you.

differentnameforthis · 30/10/2018 12:51

He made things that difficult it was easier not to go out. He's isolated you - typical step in the "book of abusive men"

was ringing my manager to tell them to tell me to keep away from him Trying to get your sacked - typical step in the "book of abusive men"

2 steps in how to isolate her so she has no one but me

it's simple, you need to get get help with who you are Making it all your fault - so he can throw it back at you as to how no one else will have you and he is a saint for "putting up with you"

@28forever please DO NOT answer questions as to why you "allowed this"
No one allows this. It creeps up on you over time and abusers are very clever at making it seem like your fault. You do not have to justify anything to anyone

I'm struggling to fathom why it's so hard for you to realise what a bastard is he? Again, please do not dignify this with a response.
@spacefighter, then you don't know much about the dynamics of DV. OP doesn't need your judgement.

Likeshyt · 30/10/2018 12:54

Your speaking through him. Saying “your vile” and shit - stop it. That’s him speaking, are you him??

If your dad died whilst you were young, and he was the one you immediately got with I think you’re relying on him emotionally just because he’s a man. Supposedly you got with him when quite young and obviously vulnerable? He then became the norm, not necessarily that you have actually ever loved him. It’s not easy to just leave. It seems he’s crushed your MH. Worst place you can be, but you can change this. You keep referring to you would hate you now back then? So I assume you were a strong independent female? Perhaps he’s the only man you’ve felt is as strong as you? Because he beats you? And has torn your MH? There is no rhyme or reason why you are with this man, other than your mental health is suffering and your unable to make rational decisions. And that’s again because of him.

Counselling OP. It really can change lives.

This man has made you toxic.

Lots of love OP. I’ve seen horrific abuse in relationships. Broken bones, skin grafts. And because it was too late it didn’t end well.

Please for once look after yourself OP. Xxx

Original poster
28forever · 30/10/2018 13:42

Ha ! No I got with him at 41! We been together 3 years.
That's the joke

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/10/2018 13:53

You're not vile, he is. I'm not going to be naieve and say that everyone from your past will understand, but many people will. Most mature women know someone who has been in a similar situation, if they haven't been in the situation themselves. It's the kind of thing I'd have been really huffy about when I was 16 (she dumped me for a boyfriend) but now at 50 I'm old enough and wise enough to know that when someone acts out of character, there's usually a reason for that.

user1484424013 · 30/10/2018 18:52

Look in the mirror and meet your self respect and block that scum. You deserve better than this and only you can do it so don't be weak be bloody strong and report him to the police he is a nut case

Original poster
28forever · 30/10/2018 19:37

Apparently I'm the nutcase! It's a million percent me. He wishes he never met me etc etc.
I genuinley think he is the nastiest bastard ever .

OP posts:
Parker231 · 30/10/2018 19:58

Another plus - this year you can go to your work’s Christmas do and enjoy yourself without him threatening you.

Adora10 · 30/10/2018 21:35

So what’s your plan OP continue to believe the words of a woman beater or listen to yourself and learn to love yourself would be a good option, you sound full of anger and hate for yourself and are giving his words power over your own, you must know a man that batters any woman is an arsehole lacking in any worth c’mon now.

Original poster
28forever · 30/10/2018 22:26

I know what he is ! What he's doing but I just need to learn to not want him. He is so charismatic I know he will have someone else soon and it kills me. The thought of his crap and him cuddling someone else absolutly destroys me.

OP posts:
eggncress · 30/10/2018 22:45

He’ll be abusing someone else soon. He won’t change. He won’t love the next woman any more than he loved you.These guys are in it for themselves. They hate women and get their kicks from controlling behaviour. You don’t need him and soon you’ll realise how easier and more pleasant life is without him.

The charisma is just manipulation to reel you in.All the while he’s laughing inwardly.

Remember none of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong.
Get some counselling if you think it will help you.

Prettyvase · 30/10/2018 22:49

Can you please report him because with that level of violence he could kill someone.

He has learnt that humiliating you, goading you, ignoring you, causing you physical and emotional pain is worth doing because you care about him and he likes that complete hold over you. It's a power and ego trip for him.

The only way you know you are no longer in his power is when he goes out with someone else and you are relieved and when you see him you are disgusted.

With any luck the spell he has you under will break this time before he punches your lights out for good.

With any luck you will save yourself and any other vulnerable woman who crosses his path by getting him locked up.

When the spell you are under is really broken you will be contacting the domestic violence unit at your local police force and give them a thorough account of what he has put you through.

Don't worry if the spell is still strong and you feel too weak for that yet. You will need a surge of fury at just how to toxic and damaging he is in order to get the energy to free yourself.

Good luck.

Cherryberrypie · 30/10/2018 23:45

Re read your OP, then read it again.

This is your only life, if you are not careful then he will end it for you.

Stop minimising what is happening here, this is deadly serious.

Stay away from him and save your life.

SunnyTikka · 31/10/2018 02:07

OP, yes you think if someone else cuddling him. Then think if you saw him smashing their head against the steering wheel then dragging them by the hair and heard him shouting abuse. Would that make you jealous?
Pretend he doesn't exist from this moment on.

Adora10 · 31/10/2018 13:55

Yeah, he might cuddle them but then again he'll probably try smashing their head in afterwards; charismatic, hardly, more like a fucken bully who gets off on abusing women; wake up OP, you have to know deep down he's got nothing nice about him, he's an evil coward.

Monestasi · 31/10/2018 14:32

You aren’t despicable human being. But you do need counselling, and lots of it.

You don’t live with him, and you don’t have children with him. You are in a stronger position than most women who are being abused in this way.

Call around your RL friends and get support. Also consider going to the police. You aren’t the first, and you will not be the last woman he attacks.