Recurring issues with sex and health

[TeaWithFelicity]

Hi guys,

Would really appreciate some more perspectives on this as I'm going round and round in circles with it and don't know what to do!

DP and I have been together for 4 and a half years and live together. I have 1 DS who lives with us all the time, he has 1 DS and 1 DD who he sees twice a week, no children together.

Since about 6 months into our relationship I've been really poorly with a condition called Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which (to simplify it massively) causes intense bladder/pelvic/urethra/stabby vagina pain and urinary frequency and urgency, particularly after sex.

At the start of the relationship we would have a lot of sex, usually a few times a day, and everything was so soooo romantic and over the top and emotional....feeling we were soul mates and it was fate and wanting to be together all the time and be all over each other etc.

Since my bladder condition started, I just can't have sex as much any more. I really really can't. And also I don't want to because I'm busy and tired and have other things going on in my life It causes intense pain, and as I work 3 days a week and am a parent, I have to really consider whether it's a good time to or not (e.g. time off work to recover afterwards as flare ups last up to 2 weeks of more intense pain). So usually now I only feel able to once a fortnight if it's good at the moment, or even only once every few months if it's bad. I am getting treatment but it's going to be a long, hard slog.

The problem is my partner just can't deal with this at all. He wants sex far more frequently than my body can handle, which I really do understand, I feel really guilty about it. It doesn't help that he won't 'take matters into his own hands', it HAS to be with me, as its about the emotional connection for him. So he gets really frustrated and grumpy and sulky and he'll storm around ignoring me or in 'fits of the sullens', or crying to himself, he really feels the victim in the situation. I worry that this affects my son who talks about how DP is so grumpy all the time. But if I talk to DP about it he says he completely understands and it's not my fault, he just really really wants it and it makes him feel anxious and insecure. He won't seek support from a counsellor or from other people with partners with a chronic illness online or anything even though I've suggested it.

His behaviour makes me feel really punished and ruins any emotional closeness, so then I don't want kisses or cuddles either, and it stresses me out and makes me feel pressured to have sex which puts me off even more.

There's been times a few years ago when he touched me intimately when I was sleeping, which also plays into this. I left him at the time but we ended up reconciling as he promised to sort himself out and that it would never happen again. I dont think it has but then I'm asleep so maybe I wouldn't know, I only knew about those times as I woke up mid-touching. He also at a particularly low time struck up an inappropriate online relationship with an underage girl that tipped from friendship into something too much, as he was so depressed and feeling so misunderstood.

We sought help from a Relate counsellor but she didn't seem to understand how I was feeling in the situation (assaulted) and instead was just suggesting ways I could compromise and have sex with him more.

So we got back together after the more dramatic problems of him touching me in the night and him constantly messaging this girl, but the problem of him getting so angry/upset over me not being able to have sex enough remains. Eventually after a while of we have sex again, or he pulls himself together a bit, and things feel lovely again, but it's not sustainable and every few months it all just plummets again.

I don't know whether to stay as I recognise this is my fault, he's always had a high sex drive, and it's me that's changed the goal posts by being ill. He wants to stay together. It's just making me really unhappy. I feel pretty sure he'd be happier with someone who could have more sex with him but he's adamant he just wants me. Other than this he is a lovely supportive partner for the most part... he's helped me with my anxiety alot, he's understanding in other areas and good to talk to, he's affectionate and adores me and when we do have sex it is really good.

I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do to make this better. Am I being an unreasonable partner?

When you can't have sex, you can't have sex - it's for fun, not for gritting your teeth.

Unfortunately the change has made you two basically incompatible as a couple, unless you strike a winning combination of medication that helps you and you get back into the idea of having sex as a positive thing (which is very very hard after such a long time where all the associations are pain and stress).

Or he backs off without it breaking him.

With the current situation, you two can't live together. This doesn't mean you can't stay together, but it's going to take a proper adult sit down and talk over the whole thing.

Place marking to return and help later. I have IC too and issues with sex as a result.

I was all for giving advice to you until I saw the section that he has been grooming an underage girl? Is that right? And assaulting you while you sleep? And you think the problem is you?

Sorry to hear you issues OP but do understand that your availability and passion towards him has changed out of all recognition to him and he's suddenly left with someone completely different. You shouldn't have sex if it's painful obviously, however he probably feels like this is no longer the relationship he signed up for, hense why he feels aggrieved. If your condition has been ongoing for 4yrs then it's possible it could continue for many more years. As painful as it might be, maybe an amicable split is the only way forward, so you can both get what you need.

He had a relationship with an underage girl ?

And you are still together ? Seriously ?

He sexually assaulted you and pursued an underage girl??? No matter what else is going on here or whatever MH struggles he has had, this alone is enough to end the relationship. You deserve better.

To put it bluntly, yes.

Repeatedly in my sleep, I don't think he has since. Often he'll offer a massage to help my condition though and it'll go further than I want it to as he gets carried away, so unwanted touch is still there

A 16 year old girl from work. They started off just as friends but then got to the point where he felt like only she understood his problems, and as she was very depressed too he felt that to stop the friendship would hurt her and that she might kill herself, so it was more a very intense friendship that went too far, messaging constantly all day. There was no sexual element. He is regretful of it and doesn't have contact any more (I'm not excusing it, I think it's awful.)

What PookieDo and AnyFucker said.

Here’s the paragraph again in case anyone missed it:

“There's been times a few years ago when he touched me intimately when I was sleeping, which also plays into this. I left him at the time but we ended up reconciling as he promised to sort himself out and that it would never happen again. I dont think it has but then I'm asleep so maybe I wouldn't know, I only knew about those times as I woke up mid-touching. He also at a particularly low time struck up an inappropriate online relationship with an underage girl that tipped from friendship into something too much, as he was so depressed and feeling so misunderstood.”

He sexually assaulted you. He had a relationship with a child. NOTHING excuses those things. Certainly not being “depressed and misunderstood”

End the relationship. For your child’s sake if not your own.

This is not your fault, it’s not your fault you have health problems and he is responsible for his despicable actions.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/coercive_sexual_abuse.html

Assualted in your sleep and a relationship with a 16 year old because he felt depressed and misunderstood?! Unforgivable

@AnotherEmma it feels like my fault

It's NOT your fault.

He has made you feel like its your fault

Get him away from your son

Thank you to everyone for commenting.
@SpoonBlender yep. I've tried time and again to talk through to see how we can work it out but I'm just at a dead end with it as he thinks the only thing that will help is when I can have more intimacy, and he'll accept that he needs to cool it a while, which he'll do, then he'll get too frustrated. Its scary to imagine the massive change of moving out

@JessieLemon thank you, appreciate it

@PookieDo @AnyFucker @Hubblebubbletripletrouble @MashNpeas it's why I left him at the time, he really convinced me that he felt sorry and nothing like that would happen again. It was 2 years ago now. And it was good for a while but now swings between being good and the mood swings and sexual pressure

@AnotherEmma thank you for that link. That's so helpful. Does it count as sexual coercion if he doesn't mean it to be? Like, if he's not intending to coerce, it's just a result of his low self esteem and feelings? Sorry, I'm aware I sound so naive

@m0vinf0rward yep I really do see it from his point of view, I understand why he's unhappy and it upsets me he feels like this. I have tried to 'give him an out' so he can leave without guilt and find someone else but he wants to stay

I was initially thinking 'how about more non-penatrative sex' but then read the part about touching you while asleep, the inappropriate relationship with the child, the massages that went 'too far', the refusal to attend to his own sexual needs while blaming you...

This is not a person respectful of consent like a normal man. Unless you're actually screaming, he thinks you're interested, or doesn't care. And he has a nice line in passive aggression and emotional blackmail.

He sounds awful and one day he will probably really hurt you and blame it on his 'low self esteem', which is actually a super-ego and massive sense of entitlement.

Please leave him.

Hi I thought I'd reply as I too have awful bladder problems/IC. Until you actually experience the pain, misery and depression it causes, it's hard to comment. It caused massive problems in my previous marriage as I too could not have sex. Like you, I would be in pain afterwards for days or weeks, and it's hard to enjoy sex if you know you'll be in pain afterwards. Unfortunately my marriage eventually broke down. My ex H found the lack of intimacy a problem and things just gradually disintegrated. I am with a new partner and he's very understanding. I take a supplement called DMannose which has honestly changed my life. I also take it about an hour begore sex, which means we can't be as spontaneous as we'd like, but hey ho. I also found a very good female gp who has helped me to experiment with suitable painkillers. I take amitriptyline at night and pregabalin if things are bad. I find the anxiety prior to having sex also contributes to the problems.

I think you also have bigger problems. Messaging an underage girl is unforgivable in my opinion. He should be supporting you. How dare he. I hope you get things sorted as I know how hard it must be for you.

Also, sexually assaulting you is a big red flag. You deserve much better.

To echo others. I was reading along very interested as I have CI and it causes many problems but the boulder in the road was underage girl and nonconsensual touching.
A sort of door slammed in my mind and all I can think is "heeyyyyyyyy?".
Is the real question here the pressure to have sex or, trying to work out how you can leave this shit bag, waste of flesh human?
If it is the latter the with all my leave, drop kick that Fucker out the door.
Today.
He can wank till his cock drips off and I might have a word with the police regarding 16 byearold girls.
He's a bloody menace

If you feel u have spent as much as you can on this relationship. Then just finish it.
Put it out of its misery and get rid.
He is the lowest.
And if he .akes a fuss, tell him you might very well speak to someone about his sexual behaviour and the illegality of it.

OP am I right in saying you have problems establishing healthy boundaries and may have had emotionally or physically abusive relationships in the past? Your inability to see the seriousness of some of the problems here is worrying.

Other posters have already adequately outlined why you should leave this man but just to add one thing: can you please seriously ask yourself, if you knew having sex with your partner would cause him great pain every single time, would you EVER try and make him feel like he had to do it? Could you take pleasure from something you knew was causing him pain?

Of course there is an expectation of reasonable amounts of sex in any relationship, but when that looks like it can’t be met long term, the answer is to re-evaluate the relationship OR reevaluate your priorities. Not guilt your partner into sex they don’t want.

Does it count as sexual coercion if he doesn't mean it to be?

Yes it does.

He engages in repeated nonconsensual touching. He knows it will cause you days of pain but he still tries to bully you into PIV sex. He has a highly inappropriate relationship with a young girl.

And you think it's you that's the problem?

You need to get out of this relationship. This man doesn't love you at all. Sorry.

What a twat! Seriously. Horrible man.
It can leave you in pain for up to two weeks if your condition flares up after sex, and he's sulking about not getting enough?
Dump him.

I bet he doesn't do anything around the house either, does he? And I bet you do the work with his children on his contact days too.

You talk about how he wants you to stay together, doesn’t want to split up with you etc. Well it’s not just about what he wants. It’s impossible to give supportive advice given his past behaviour of assaulting you while you slept and him grooming a young, vulnerable woman. Please get out. You don’t have to put up with this.