Recurring issues with sex and health

[TeaWithFelicity]

Hi guys,

Would really appreciate some more perspectives on this as I'm going round and round in circles with it and don't know what to do!

DP and I have been together for 4 and a half years and live together. I have 1 DS who lives with us all the time, he has 1 DS and 1 DD who he sees twice a week, no children together.

Since about 6 months into our relationship I've been really poorly with a condition called Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which (to simplify it massively) causes intense bladder/pelvic/urethra/stabby vagina pain and urinary frequency and urgency, particularly after sex.

At the start of the relationship we would have a lot of sex, usually a few times a day, and everything was so soooo romantic and over the top and emotional....feeling we were soul mates and it was fate and wanting to be together all the time and be all over each other etc.

Since my bladder condition started, I just can't have sex as much any more. I really really can't. And also I don't want to because I'm busy and tired and have other things going on in my life It causes intense pain, and as I work 3 days a week and am a parent, I have to really consider whether it's a good time to or not (e.g. time off work to recover afterwards as flare ups last up to 2 weeks of more intense pain). So usually now I only feel able to once a fortnight if it's good at the moment, or even only once every few months if it's bad. I am getting treatment but it's going to be a long, hard slog.

The problem is my partner just can't deal with this at all. He wants sex far more frequently than my body can handle, which I really do understand, I feel really guilty about it. It doesn't help that he won't 'take matters into his own hands', it HAS to be with me, as its about the emotional connection for him. So he gets really frustrated and grumpy and sulky and he'll storm around ignoring me or in 'fits of the sullens', or crying to himself, he really feels the victim in the situation. I worry that this affects my son who talks about how DP is so grumpy all the time. But if I talk to DP about it he says he completely understands and it's not my fault, he just really really wants it and it makes him feel anxious and insecure. He won't seek support from a counsellor or from other people with partners with a chronic illness online or anything even though I've suggested it.

His behaviour makes me feel really punished and ruins any emotional closeness, so then I don't want kisses or cuddles either, and it stresses me out and makes me feel pressured to have sex which puts me off even more.

There's been times a few years ago when he touched me intimately when I was sleeping, which also plays into this. I left him at the time but we ended up reconciling as he promised to sort himself out and that it would never happen again. I dont think it has but then I'm asleep so maybe I wouldn't know, I only knew about those times as I woke up mid-touching. He also at a particularly low time struck up an inappropriate online relationship with an underage girl that tipped from friendship into something too much, as he was so depressed and feeling so misunderstood.

We sought help from a Relate counsellor but she didn't seem to understand how I was feeling in the situation (assaulted) and instead was just suggesting ways I could compromise and have sex with him more.

So we got back together after the more dramatic problems of him touching me in the night and him constantly messaging this girl, but the problem of him getting so angry/upset over me not being able to have sex enough remains. Eventually after a while of we have sex again, or he pulls himself together a bit, and things feel lovely again, but it's not sustainable and every few months it all just plummets again.

I don't know whether to stay as I recognise this is my fault, he's always had a high sex drive, and it's me that's changed the goal posts by being ill. He wants to stay together. It's just making me really unhappy. I feel pretty sure he'd be happier with someone who could have more sex with him but he's adamant he just wants me. Other than this he is a lovely supportive partner for the most part... he's helped me with my anxiety alot, he's understanding in other areas and good to talk to, he's affectionate and adores me and when we do have sex it is really good.

I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do to make this better. Am I being an unreasonable partner?

Oh man. I came back to respond on the IC/bladder front only to see what other posters have picked up on, that this man is touching you non consensually, trying to guilt you into painful sex, and had a relationship with a young girl 😦

All my sympathy with your bladder, I ended up on daily morphine as it’s the only way I can function/be intimate, but your problems are way, WAY bigger then this and it would be terrible of me to try and help you find a way to be with this man. You absolutely need to end the relationship. Immediately.

Free yourself up to meet someone else and raise your standards my friend. There are men out there who won’t want to have sex with you if it hurts. My OH is wonderful, he knew about it from day one and has always been so understanding, we talk about my bladder as if it’s the third person in our relationship, he always asks me to stop him if it hurts and if I can’t do stuff he doesn’t make me feel bad even though he has a really high libido and sometimes we can go a week or two at a time without being able to have sex. Find you a guy who’ll snuggle up and stroke your abdomen when you have to stop mid foreplay and reminds you to drink the pints of water he brings when you’re starting to hurt. You deserve so much better. You are not a receptacle for semen.

I think he's really got into my head with it and that's why I'm sympathizing with him. Is this like Stockholm syndrome?! Because I genuinely feel sorry for him and like he's a good person who doesn't mean to hurt me and it's just his issues and I still love him even though I am so upset with him for this situation. I tried very hard to get over and trust him again after what he did before and I guess I've accepted his reasons (excuses?) for his past behaviour as it was a mental health thing. Am I being utterly deluded?

Yes I've put SO much effort into trying to make it work - trying to show him love in other ways, trying to compromise etc. I'm so tired.

I have had problems with self esteem in the past and problems with healthy boundaries in terms of not being able to tell people I'm uncomfortable/stand up for myself/afraid of confrontation. I haven't been in another abusive relationship in the past

Christ no if I knew sex would cause him as much pain as it causes me (or any pain at all) I would never, ever, ever ask for it or try to manipulate him into it! I'd let him come to me. No I'd take no enjoyment from it. I've used that analogy with him before but he had reasons why it was different. I can't remember what they were.

I have no idea how I missed the paragraph that's a complete dealbreaker. LTB, I'm sorry.

@BaronessBomburst ha! You've hit the nail on the head! He's exhausted on his 2 days off so finds it hard to do stuff with the children and wants to stay in bed or relax while they just play by themselves. He doesn't really help put with my DS and he expects a medal for washing up on the days I cook (he does cook 1 day a week) and for doing the hoovering once a week......but.....He lives here?! So of course he should do stuff to look after our family and home?! He works more days a week than me though

It doesn't help that he won't 'take matters into his own hands', it HAS to be with me, as its about the emotional connection for him. So he gets really frustrated and grumpy and sulky and he'll storm around ignoring me or in 'fits of the sullens', or crying to himself, he really feels the victim in the situation.

He is literally trying to coerce you into agonising sex. He is basically trying to condition you into being okay with being assaulted.

He is placing all of his sexual needs on you?? Sorry, but in the history of humankind, whenever anyone has had sexual tension and arousal and wanted relief they’ve had a wank. What does he expect to do if he was single?? He’s being an absolute cunt.

Call his fucking bluff. Tell him as you can’t have sex and he can’t live without it and still be a kind and happy person you’re incompatible and are breaking up. This will never change cos at his core he thinks his desire to ejaculate while inside you trumps your right to say what happens to your own body and not be in excruciating pain (and trust me, I know how bad it is, it’s like being on fire. I used to want to cut my own urethra out and researched bladder amputation and catheterisation, before I started on morphine: it takes 80mg of MORPHINE every single day of my life to be able to live and work and not blow my brains out with this condition). And he thinks you should be okay with having his dick in and out of there flaring it up when you don’t want it!?

If my partner couldn’t handle it or I couldn’t have sex ever again we’d cope, or we’d split. He wouldn’t sulk and storm around. How do you have any respect for him as a man or a human being or your partner and lover and protector when he is treating you like a fucking wank sock?

Sounds extremely worrying, OP.

You are doing everything within your power to help, by taking medication and by offering other solutions like oral and handjobs.

If the above isn't enough for him, the relationship is going to get real rocky and probably end.

If he's touching you without consent and applying emotional/verbal/physical pressure on you to have sex despite it being a major cause of pain then this is a razor thin line away from full on assault/rape/coercion.

How would he like it if your turn on and only way to orgasm was flicking him repeatedly in the scrotum during sex, and then continuing to flick his scortum, hard, for days afterward? Pretty sure he'd leave you, pretty fucking sharpish. Why should you have to put up with the vice-versa situation?

He's a total fucking twat and you know it. Even though this girl wasn't actually underage if she was 16, it's still totally inappropriate and yucky even if not illegal. The rest of the stuff is more than enough to tell him where to go.

What this boils down to is that he doesn’t care if you’re in pain, as long as his own ‘needs’ are met.
Is that someone you want to spend your life with?

You completely lost my sympathy with the fact he was pestering a 16 year old depressed girl.

He's a disgusting excuse of a human being.

Have some self respect.

So, what does he actually bring to your relationship? And to you?
Nothing!
He pesters you, makes you feel stressed, causes you physical pain, has cheated on you emotionally (if not more), and expects you to cater for two extra children.
And expects you to feel sorry for him because it's all your fault.

@JessieLemon I'm so sorry you have this too. It is hell. Utter agony.. Thank you so so much for understanding and making me laugh with your turns of phrase I'm so glad you have found someone lovely.

I don't think I'd want to be with anyone after this. I dont think I'm very good at relationships. I think I'm too selfish and need things to be 'my way' which I'm sure doesn't help.

No one ever 'gets' it. My mum feels sorry for him and thinks I should compromise and just lie back and think of England etc. So its really helpful to talk to people who understand why I don't feel happy in the relationship.

I think I've known in the back of my head for ages that it's not going to work out if he can't just deal with it like a functioning adult, but I don't want to hurt him. I'm scared. I dont know how to go about dismantling everything. I dont know where I would live. I wouldn't have enough money. And I don't want to upset all the children

@Sethis I'm not really offering blow jobs and hand jobs at the moment as I just feel sickened by the pressure. But yeah it's not good enough for him anyway as he just wants all the romance and emotion of p in v sex.

@ShatnersWig yeah I should have put 'young' rather than underage, my head is in the shed.

@SoyDora no, it's not. I do believe him that he just want the situation to be that I won't be in pain and it's all better, but that's NOT the situation, so he is essentially saying that his needs are more important I guess when he gets so frustrated and upset about me not doing it.

Anywhere I can go for practical help on how to leave??

Your mother has nothing to contribute to this discussion if she thinks lying back and thinking of England is something that her daughter should be doing in 2018.

Explain to your partner that you will have sex, but only if you can burn his cock with a lighter. Not third degree, but certainly blisters. Hold up a lighter to demonstrate you're serious. Explain that sex puts you in comparable pain to this. Obviously it's only fair that you both suffer in equal amounts, because you are equal human beings. Act confused when he doesn't immediately take his pants off.

No one ever 'gets' it. My mum feels sorry for him and thinks I should compromise and just lie back and think of England etc. So its really helpful to talk to people who understand why I don't feel happy in the relationship.

Jesus, you’re surrounded by twats aren’t you :(

It’s so terrible that people don’t know about IC and the devastating impact on a sufferer’s life. So many people seem to just think it’s like a touch of cystitis. Even if it were, who’d want sex while in pain down below?

There’s a website with a forum called IC-network, have you been on it? I enjoyed talking to other people with it when I first got it thirteen years ago. Keep pursuing treatment with your doctors. I found in the end there was nothing they could do other than treat the pain, but my life is incredible now compared to before I got sorted with the correct medication regime. I used to be often unable to even leave the house or walk or put loose pyjama bottoms on. I hope you’re on proper pain relief? Sadly it takes years IME to actually be taken seriously and have it treated with the severity it requires.

You so have to end this. How are you gonna go about it?

Sorry, I wasn't precise in my language - you had offered these solutions previously and he was still being a cunt about it, so now you've entirely legitimately stopped completely until he behaves in a way you find attractive.

And I really mean it... I’ve had this since week after I lost my virginity. It was only two years ago, meeting my partner, when it finally clicked that I shouldn’t have sex if it was painful. Nearly single partner before that from teenage years through my twenties would say nice things and act supportive but when it came down to it they’d be okay with me taking a tonne of prescribed ketamine and then zoning out while they got on with it from behind and I bit onto something. I genuinely never saw a problem with that as I felt so guilty and like such a bad girlfriend. These were just normal men who weren’t abusive in any other way. I still struggle mentally to stop when it hurts as I’m so conditioned to keep going so I don’t let the guy down. It took a friend one day hearing about it and saying ‘Jesus Christ, you’re not a fucking cum dumpster you’re a human being’ before I realised I didn’t have to do this.

Your partner is conditioning you to act like I used to and put your health below his wish for an orgasm. That tells you everything you need to know about him.

What practical issues are there in the way of leaving? You renting or own a home? Joint or sole? Do you work? Any savings, how are your finances?

I have no idea how to go about ending it. I feel so guilty.

My DS will also be really upset as I'm fucking his life up again (it was me who left his dad rather than the other way round) and he does love my partner

I wouldn't be able to stay in the house on my own - I don't earn enough to support DS and I and we have £8.5k debt that my partner ran up in my name (he's on a low income job so we've had to live off of my credit card) and I'm not receiving any benefits at the moment as my partner fucked that up too (by lying about / underestimatinf his earnings so I under declared then had a massive overpayment, so I don't think I'm entitled to anything now.

I feel a bit stuck

Yea. He just gets better and better. It will be alright. The alternative is a life of pain and shame.
No money to put that right.
Get the debt reorganised. Perhaps CAB? I am by sure but there must be a way. Just fi d it.
Your son needs his mum. Do it for u. Your son will be fine

Just renting. Joint tenancy I think. I could give notice on it but have nowhere to go.
I work but only 3 days a week (£850 a month - rent without bills here is £725)

Womens Aid is a starting point.

@TeaWithFelicity I am really sorry that not only are you having to deal with this awful condition but you also such an awful partner in your life.

No matter why you won't have sex with him when he wants, touching you while you're asleep is sexual assault. His "intense friendship" that he puts down to being depressed and his lack of involvement in the household you share just confirms this is a deeply deeply selfish and self-involved man.

Seriously, leave him. I imagine it will be hard but I can't see what he brings to your life right now that you'd really miss.

@TeaWithFelicity sorry, I've just seen your update about your financial situation. Yes, talk to Women's Aid.

Maybe see if you can get some counselling or call the Samaritans, so you don't have to carry this burden of guilt - you deserve so much better.

You sound like a very capable woman and if u give yourself time to plan and take all the guilt out of the situation, then I know you will e free in one leap. And never look ba k and never blame yourself for his immoral eva hour.
You are a better person and should not waste one more second on this situation.