Recurring issues with sex and health

[TeaWithFelicity]

Hi guys,

Would really appreciate some more perspectives on this as I'm going round and round in circles with it and don't know what to do!

DP and I have been together for 4 and a half years and live together. I have 1 DS who lives with us all the time, he has 1 DS and 1 DD who he sees twice a week, no children together.

Since about 6 months into our relationship I've been really poorly with a condition called Interstitial Cystitis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which (to simplify it massively) causes intense bladder/pelvic/urethra/stabby vagina pain and urinary frequency and urgency, particularly after sex.

At the start of the relationship we would have a lot of sex, usually a few times a day, and everything was so soooo romantic and over the top and emotional....feeling we were soul mates and it was fate and wanting to be together all the time and be all over each other etc.

Since my bladder condition started, I just can't have sex as much any more. I really really can't. And also I don't want to because I'm busy and tired and have other things going on in my life It causes intense pain, and as I work 3 days a week and am a parent, I have to really consider whether it's a good time to or not (e.g. time off work to recover afterwards as flare ups last up to 2 weeks of more intense pain). So usually now I only feel able to once a fortnight if it's good at the moment, or even only once every few months if it's bad. I am getting treatment but it's going to be a long, hard slog.

The problem is my partner just can't deal with this at all. He wants sex far more frequently than my body can handle, which I really do understand, I feel really guilty about it. It doesn't help that he won't 'take matters into his own hands', it HAS to be with me, as its about the emotional connection for him. So he gets really frustrated and grumpy and sulky and he'll storm around ignoring me or in 'fits of the sullens', or crying to himself, he really feels the victim in the situation. I worry that this affects my son who talks about how DP is so grumpy all the time. But if I talk to DP about it he says he completely understands and it's not my fault, he just really really wants it and it makes him feel anxious and insecure. He won't seek support from a counsellor or from other people with partners with a chronic illness online or anything even though I've suggested it.

His behaviour makes me feel really punished and ruins any emotional closeness, so then I don't want kisses or cuddles either, and it stresses me out and makes me feel pressured to have sex which puts me off even more.

There's been times a few years ago when he touched me intimately when I was sleeping, which also plays into this. I left him at the time but we ended up reconciling as he promised to sort himself out and that it would never happen again. I dont think it has but then I'm asleep so maybe I wouldn't know, I only knew about those times as I woke up mid-touching. He also at a particularly low time struck up an inappropriate online relationship with an underage girl that tipped from friendship into something too much, as he was so depressed and feeling so misunderstood.

We sought help from a Relate counsellor but she didn't seem to understand how I was feeling in the situation (assaulted) and instead was just suggesting ways I could compromise and have sex with him more.

So we got back together after the more dramatic problems of him touching me in the night and him constantly messaging this girl, but the problem of him getting so angry/upset over me not being able to have sex enough remains. Eventually after a while of we have sex again, or he pulls himself together a bit, and things feel lovely again, but it's not sustainable and every few months it all just plummets again.

I don't know whether to stay as I recognise this is my fault, he's always had a high sex drive, and it's me that's changed the goal posts by being ill. He wants to stay together. It's just making me really unhappy. I feel pretty sure he'd be happier with someone who could have more sex with him but he's adamant he just wants me. Other than this he is a lovely supportive partner for the most part... he's helped me with my anxiety alot, he's understanding in other areas and good to talk to, he's affectionate and adores me and when we do have sex it is really good.

I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do to make this better. Am I being an unreasonable partner?

“Does it count as sexual coercion if he doesn't mean it to be? Like, if he's not intending to coerce, it's just a result of his low self esteem and feelings? Sorry, I'm aware I sound so naive”

Yes it does count as sexual coercion even if he claims that’s he not doing it on purpose or he “can’t help it” because of his feelings. Plenty of people with low self esteem, depression, and all sorts of other problems manage to NOT sexually assault or coerce their partners.

Please don’t apologise for being naive. It’s clear to me that he’s been manipulating you for a long time. He’s made you believe all his excuses. He’s made you believe that everything is your fault. You are not to blame for this; he is to blame for manipulating you. However, you do have some power here - you have the power to reclaim your own version of reality. To do that, you need to get him out of your head. To do that, there are a few things that will help - mainly talking it through with other people, such as women’s aid, a counsellor, mumsnetters, and any wise and supportive people you might have in your life (clue: not your mum!)

You could also do some reading, which you may find enlightening - for example:
Signs of emotional abuse
And the book “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft

For practical advise about leaving, I recommend Citizens Advice.

I think you have issues if you are ok with him grooming an underage girl!

This is Lundy Bancroft (copied and pasted from the abuser profiles thread):

THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER

This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.

1. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.

1. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.

1. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.

1. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.

1. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do.

What have i just read, shocked and stunned at what you are putting up with, in the kindest way the man is a dangerous creep, he's sexually assaulting you, trying to force you into painful sex and also pursues relationships with children, wake up OP, fuck him and fuck your mum, you are unhappy because you are in an unhappy and vile situation, only you will change it, he won't ever leave you, why would he, he gets to assault you and control you; I'd actually report him for sexual assault and get him in trouble, men like him should be off the fucken streets.

“I wouldn't be able to stay in the house on my own - I don't earn enough to support DS and I and we have £8.5k debt that my partner ran up in my name (he's on a low income job so we've had to live off of my credit card) and I'm not receiving any benefits at the moment as my partner fucked that up too (by lying about / underestimatinf his earnings so I under declared then had a massive overpayment, so I don't think I'm entitled to anything now.”

This may be financial abuse in addition to the sexual and emotional abuse that you’ve already described. I strongly advise you to contact Women’s Aid to discuss the abuse and get support for ending the relationship.

If - when - you leave him, you will be entitled to benefits. Citizens Advice can advise on that or you could check yourself using an online benefits calculator such as Entitledto or Turn2Us.

I think you have issues if you are ok with him grooming an underage girl!
notjustanyone
Nice one. I don't think she is OK with this tosser grooming an underage girl. Did she give him a round of applause and say what a brilliant thing he had done?
Did she?
OP is building a picture of someone who she knows she would rather not be with, probably saying for the first time, out loud, waht an utter cunt he is.
Your comment is neither useful, nor accurate.

lola: No the OP is not ok with him grooming a youngest but she's also in denial about how bad the situation is; understandable if he has controlled her for so long and made her believe his crap.

It is an issue if your partner is pursuing a child, the OP needs to step out the whole scenario to see how fucked up it really is, I don't think having a go at another poster is helpful either actually!

Adora10 the posters comment wasn't a very full exploration of her statement though was it? It was a blunt, one sentence dismissal of the situation without any insight. Thats what got to me.

And as i said, the OP is working out what she has been living with. He has been most likely telling her its all perfectly normal and now she is begining to have a sneaking suspicion it most definitely isn't. She is tring to do that in a safe place where she can unload the darkest of things. We probably don't even know the half of what that man is up to. Its more likely the OP has upped the girls age to take some of the shock out of it.
OP is in a very, very vulnerable position and that sort of hand grenade, callous comment is very unhelpful.

Yeah I know but sometimes we need a good sharp shock to jolt us into the reality of a situation, I don't see it as being irrelevant tbh.

I don't think shocks are necessary here. More of a gentle approach rather than a stern talking to. She already feels guilty about the bloke, not helpful to tell her off about her own boundaries at this juncture.

The timing is wrong. She is in crisis.
For example. A person is having a heart attack; is it the time to deliver a homily on the perils of smoking, driniing and an unhealthy lifestyle?
Leave that for the recovery, and I sincerely hope she takes some time to address the issues that have arisen in this relationship. Right now, she needs to get clear.

We'll need to agree to disagree then Lola, I think the opposite, I think the cold hard truth can actually be beneficial when you are in a situation where your boundaries are skewed and your thought process is confused.

Not really a shock, more a factual statement.

Thank you for your replies everyone.

I've tried phoning Women's Aid but they haven't been available yet. I'll keep trying.

I'm really not ok with what he did with her.

I'm going to leave the thread for a bit now if that's ok as I'm feeling really overwhelmed, but I do really appreciate and thank you for your help

We’ll be here when you’re ready to come back.

and same as the above poster said.

Good luck, love. Hope you’ll be ready to post an update eventually, and am sure it will have good news in it. Because you deserve better and will get it 💐