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Original poster

Friend who ghosted me 10 years ago wants to be friends again

62 replies

WhyNowMrMagpie · 29/10/2018 09:32

NC in case she's on here.

10 years ago my very best friend in the whole wide world ghosted me and cut all contact. To this day I still have no idea what I did that was so terrible that deserved such harsh treatment.

Things turned when we both met new partners (who we're both still with). She always had partners during our friendship but I was mostly free and single and happy.

She met her new partner first and we started to drift, but it wasn't until I met mine that she cut all contact. We went for a drink one day, the four of us. I thought we'd got on well but then she never returned my calls/texts from that point. I was worried she was unwell so I visited her home as it was completely out of character, but although I knew she was in and that it was me, she ignored the door.

I knew then that she didn't want to speak to me. There was no row or anything like that. I think I might have got a text off her saying it wasn't anything to do with me, but no explanation.

I was incredibly hurt by this, it really affected me for a long time.

I left her to it and cracked on with life. She would text every now and again wishing me merry Xmas, or saying she was thinking of me etc. If I tried to text her back or call her I'd get no response. I've a low threshold for BS so I wasn't going to keep trying.

I have a fabulous life and whilst I've thought of her occasion over the years, it seems like a lifetime ago.

I've not heard from her in around 5 years. Then out of the blue today a text, saying she has been trying to find me on social media, would like to get back in touch and misses me dearly. No sorry for ghosting you though.

Why do people do this? I want nothing to do with her.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this tbh, I just needed to let it out somewhere.

OP posts:
Butterflycookie · 29/10/2018 09:40

Why do people do this? I want nothing to do with her.

I have no idea. But if it was me I would like to find out. Message her back and ask her why it happened. I would be interested in her response.

GraceMarks · 29/10/2018 09:47

That's a really tough one. There are all sorts of reasons why people let friendships go adrift, and many of them probably have nothing to do with the person who's been dumped. It's odd that it was so abrupt in your case, although you do say she occasionally texted to day she was thinking of you, so there's obviously more to it than you know.

You say you've occasionally thought of her and that, at the time, it was very hurtful and affected you badly. Could you look on this as an opportunity to find out what went wrong and why she behaved like that? You don't have to pick up your friendship again but if you met for a coffee or something and ask her outright what went on back then, you might get some sort of answer that you can live with.

I have been in a position where I lost touch with a friend over a misunderstanding about something I had said which apparently came out hurtful when I hadn't intended it to. My friend didn't tell me that at the time and simply stopped replying to my messages. I only found out through a mutual friend what it was I was meant to have done wrong, and for years after that I was torn between wanting to get back in touch with her and explain what I had actually meant, and being incredibly annoyed that she hadn't given me the chance to explain myself at the time. I never did make the move, and now I do still think about her and wish I had done something at the time. I would feel really awkward about trying to make contact now because I would be afraid of rejection, so I have some sympathy with the fact that your ex-friend has managed to get over that hurdle and message you. However she has behaved in the past, that must have taken a little courage.

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel annoyed, I would be too, I expect, but aren't you even curious to speak to her again?

BifsWif · 29/10/2018 09:49

I think I would want to know why, and then I wouldn’t speak to them again. The friendship would be over for me.

Cawfee · 29/10/2018 09:50

Ask her. Message back and say “I’m surprised to hear from you. It’s loveky that you’ve been thinking of me and want to get back in touch but honestly, I’m a bit wary of going down that path with you again. Can you tell me why you ghosted me all those years ago? How can I trust that you wouldn’t do it again? I would understand if I’d been a bad friend to you but I wasn’t. I was a good friend and you treated me like shit and it took me years to get over that. Hope you understand why I’m feeling reluctant to let you back in my life”
Then if she’s serious she can do some explaining and make some effort to put your mind at ease.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 29/10/2018 09:57

God my first thought would be, what happened on that night out? Did something happen with her and your partner? Did they not get on or she knew of him previously? That's the night every thing changed. Did you ask did something happen?

ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2018 09:57

I’d want to know why she did what she did.

But if you really don’t want anything to do with her then I’d be tempted to delete and block

Original poster
WhyNowMrMagpie · 29/10/2018 13:06

Thank you all for your replies. Grace your post strikes a chord and am sorry you experienced that. I've literally begged for an explanation in the past. I think if you're friend cut you out due to one poorly received remark then it says more about her than you tbh.

caw your text is excellent thank you. If I do text her, I will send that. I need to mull it over some more.

I've asked countless times for an explanation. When we went for a drink that last time she used a racist word and I replied "you can't say things like that". That's it. She was using it to refer to herself (she's white) but that didn't make it ok. I thought we'd laughed it off at the time tbh, the conversation moved on quickly. It's the only thing I can think of.

Probably also worth mentioning that we all come from quite different backgrounds. We are both working class but I went to university (before I met her). My partner is quite MC, and her partner is more WC. I've literally no idea if this is relavent.

I don't want to text her tbh. I'm scared of her reply and am annoyed that it's always on her terms. I feel scared that she hurt me so badly that she may do so again.

OP posts:
GraceMarks · 29/10/2018 13:22

I don't know, none of that sounds like something a rational person would dump a good friend over, but people are strange. Maybe she thought you thought you were better than her because you went to uni and she didn't, and you "telling her off" over using a particular word came across like you flaunting your education or something. It would be ridiculously chippy but some people do think like that.

If you have a strong feeling that you don't want to reply, then it might be best to listen to your instinct, but tbh you sound a bit like it's still bothering you and perhaps knowing one way or the other would be helpful?

Original poster
WhyNowMrMagpie · 29/10/2018 14:47

It does still bother me, you're right. But I've not thought about it in years. I guess it's just opened up an old wound.

I'm struggling a bit emotionally at the moment with lots of other things going on, so I'd not handle it well if it were another rejection

OP posts:
GraceMarks · 29/10/2018 15:05

I'd probably still reply out of a desire to know more, but then it's easy for me to say what I would do, because I did at least get an answer, even if it wasn't one that made me feel better.

Look at it this way, is it likely that she would reach out using those particular words about missing you, only to then reject you again? Unless she is an especially cruel or vengeful person, which I would hope she wasn't since you describe her as your best friend prior to this.

Maybe after that night out, her partner made some sort of comment about you that made her paranoid he fancied you?

ZestyMaximus · 29/10/2018 15:05

I think Cawfee's text is great. I'd be concerned she'd not answer though and that you'd then be back to square one again. I can't remember the term for it but she might just be throwing you a quick message to see check you're still there (for her) and then will slink off again until she next needs reassurance of you being willing to be at her beck and call (or 'on her terms' as you said).

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2018 15:30

Why do people do this? I want nothing to do with her
Then don't have anything to do with her.
She hurt you a lot.
You've a lot going on right now.
You don't need this.
So don't engage.
Get onto your social media and block her on everything.
See how she likes being ghosted!
Honestly, you owe her nothing at all.
Don't get drawn into thinking you do.
You don't.

subspace · 29/10/2018 15:49

Only you can decide really.

If it were me, I'd agree to meet up for a coffee (or something similarly low investment) and save any questions I had for when I saw her. I guess it's possible that something you're unaware of happened that day, like your partner feeling her leg under the table, or her partner being abusive and banning her from seeing you again.

Thebluedog · 29/10/2018 20:24

I guess if you respond would depend on if you wanted to find out why she ghosted you and if you were interested in starting the friendship again. If the answer is no to both those then don’t bother replying. If its yes you need to find a tactful, direct way to ask her what her fucking problem was

LellyMcKelly · 29/10/2018 20:34

Do you know if she ghosted anyone else? If it was just you then I’d be wary, but if it was others too then she may have been in a controlling relationship, or had a mental health crisis, or something else was going on in her life that you’re not aware of.

DreamsofJacaranda · 29/10/2018 20:50

Do you think her partner took a dislike to you and your DP? Does he have an inferiority complex and didn’t want her to socialise with you anymore? Was he controlling, and checking her phone?

If she was in a controlling relationship perhaps that’s why she ghosted you. Maybe she’s out of it now, and that’s why she’s got in touch again. If I were you I would meet up with her just to hear what she has to say. You don’t have to renew the friendship, but it would give you closure.

eddielizzard · 29/10/2018 20:54

If you don't want to text her right now, don't. You may feel differently next week, or in a year, or perhaps never. If you asked her why she ghosted you, she may not tell you and how would you feel? And if she did tell you the real reason, would it change anything?

You don't have to stay in contact. You're well within your rights to block her and draw a line.

yetmorecrap · 29/10/2018 21:12

I did wonder if it was something weird and she knew your partner or the 2 guys had some kind of issue? I certainly would want to know why she cut you dead before getting chummy chummy again

Honeyroar · 29/10/2018 21:24

I've had a couple of people do that. They weren't best friends, but they hurt me. Completely blanked me for years, would walk right past without a word, then after years, without anything changing, they suddenly started chanting one day as though nothing had ever happened. By now enough water has gone under the bridge that it doesn't hurt any more so I talk to them, but I would never let them too close or care about them again.

If it's likely to hurt you be wary. I'd definitely send the aforementioned text and see what she comes back with and how it makes you feel.

findingmywaytoday · 29/10/2018 21:30

Sounds like you've worked though it and moved on over the years.

I'd be inclined to (and have) leave it and just ignore the message to avoid getting dragged back in / get upset all over again especially if there isn't anything she can say or do to make you want to rekindle the friendship. At the end of the day regardless of the reasons, what's done is done and you've moved on.

Gemini69 · 29/10/2018 22:07

Ignore it.. the Silence will make a louder impact on her mind than any response you could possibly give... Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 29/10/2018 22:11

Im also wondering if she knew your partner.

BackWhenIWas4 · 29/10/2018 22:15

Hmm. I suspect that she was in a controlling relationship. Either that or she had some sort of history with your ex. You'll never know though, unless you ask her.

SandyY2K · 29/10/2018 22:35

Honestly? I'd ignore her. Then block her on SM.

Anyone who ignored me at their doorstep wouldn't get a second chance.

I'm actually surprised you didn't block her number all this thebtine she was sending the texts.

I've got little tolerance for that kind of thing.

Honeyroar · 29/10/2018 22:39

But if she'd been in a controlling relationship surely she'd have said that and explained- she has just messaged as though nothing had happened..