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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend who ghosted me 10 years ago wants to be friends again

62 replies

WhyNowMrMagpie · 29/10/2018 09:32

NC in case she's on here.

10 years ago my very best friend in the whole wide world ghosted me and cut all contact. To this day I still have no idea what I did that was so terrible that deserved such harsh treatment.

Things turned when we both met new partners (who we're both still with). She always had partners during our friendship but I was mostly free and single and happy.

She met her new partner first and we started to drift, but it wasn't until I met mine that she cut all contact. We went for a drink one day, the four of us. I thought we'd got on well but then she never returned my calls/texts from that point. I was worried she was unwell so I visited her home as it was completely out of character, but although I knew she was in and that it was me, she ignored the door.

I knew then that she didn't want to speak to me. There was no row or anything like that. I think I might have got a text off her saying it wasn't anything to do with me, but no explanation.

I was incredibly hurt by this, it really affected me for a long time.

I left her to it and cracked on with life. She would text every now and again wishing me merry Xmas, or saying she was thinking of me etc. If I tried to text her back or call her I'd get no response. I've a low threshold for BS so I wasn't going to keep trying.

I have a fabulous life and whilst I've thought of her occasion over the years, it seems like a lifetime ago.

I've not heard from her in around 5 years. Then out of the blue today a text, saying she has been trying to find me on social media, would like to get back in touch and misses me dearly. No sorry for ghosting you though.

Why do people do this? I want nothing to do with her.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this tbh, I just needed to let it out somewhere.

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 29/10/2018 22:42

Well I would want to find out. But don’t let your guard down.

JK1773 · 29/10/2018 22:50

Personally I’d ignore her. You’ve moved on with your life. She had absolutely no reason to treat you like that, and for so long! She can’t just breeze back in and expect you to be fine. My best friend ghosted me in January this year. We had a disagreement and both said things we shouldn’t have. I apologised, she didn’t then ghosted me totally. To be honest I’ve moved on. She never treated me that well anyway looking back. I don’t know if it’s an age thing but since I turned 40 I just won’t put up with shit anymore. Concentrate on the people who love you now and value your worth

Maelstrop · 29/10/2018 22:53

I’d want to know but I think I’d find it easier to block her. I had similar with my oldest friend, I said something totally innocuous, she took offence and that was it. So weird. I wouldn’t let her back in ever.

Mummblebee · 29/10/2018 22:55

My first guess after reading this was that she had a problem with something that happened at the dinner whether you realise it or not she has a problem with your relationship dynamic and did not want her new relationship being exposed to it.

I've cut a friend off before because she would always subtly belittle me when in the company of other people. She would never change and I decided I no longer wanted that narrative in my life of me always being the "lesser" friend.

She obviously decided at one point in time that whatever was bothering her outweighed the positive aspects of your friendship and she was better off getting shot of you.

I appreciate she hurt you and if I was in your position I'd do this..

Then don't have anything to do with her.
She hurt you a lot.
You've a lot going on right now.
You don't need this.
So don't engage.
Get onto your social media and block her on everything.
See how she likes being ghosted!
Honestly, you owe her nothing at all.
Don't get drawn into thinking you do.
You don't.

Starlight345 · 29/10/2018 23:03

I absolutely would ignore in this case.

I would be furious. You did something so bad she wouldn’t even come to the door now thinks she can just drop you a text.

I wouldn’t respond

DC2018 · 29/10/2018 23:05

It's really where you are in your life. Do you have the time, energy and motivation to nurture an old friendship? If so, I'd send a message asking for a meet and discuss what happened and why your friendship ended. If you arent bothered then just ignore the message.
I've had a couple of friendships that seemed to loose touch and years go by without any word. One friendship was salvigabe and my friend apologised for her part in us drifting apart and explained she had PND after her second child (unbeknownst to me at the time) the other friend and I have been saying we should catch up for the last 2 years... it's never going to happen at this point which I'm fine with.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/10/2018 00:51

Nope, don’t be desperate.

When she refused to answer the door, that was cutting you dead. Her intermittent contact is to just keep poking that wound. You don’t deserve that so stop putting up with it.

AntiHop · 30/10/2018 00:58

I'd want to know why she acted that way, and once knowing, I'd have no hesitation with ending contact if appropriate.

I had a very good friend ghost me. I do know why - she got a boyfriend and wanted to live a different life and leave her old life behind. It hurt so much and I'm still hurt 15 years on. I really cares about her.

Onemansoapopera · 30/10/2018 01:17

You have a self proclaimed 'fabulous life' that doesn't include her and hasn't for some time. Why go backwards.

Butterymuffin · 30/10/2018 01:29

Don't reply, at least not yet. One text is not a lot of effort from her, considering.

Bubba1234 · 30/10/2018 08:17

How did she get in touch?
Through text or social media?
Maybe the nosiness got the better of her and she wanted a snoop on your life and your pages are private so she sent a text to see if she could be friended.
I had someone do that to me followed my page all excited wanting to meet for coffee etc.
In my head I was so wide to it I wasn’t going to fall for it replying to my stories etc.
I was very private about my engagement I didn’t announce it publicly but one day I did a story and mentioned fiancé and they were shocked and they did congratulate me then unfollowed me. Lol
Some people just let nosiness get the better of them.
I personally wouldn’t text saying why did you ghost me etc I would accept her on social media for a week leu her have a good body at your fabulous life then block her.

GraceMarks · 30/10/2018 09:23

AntiHop I had a friend cut me off for that reason too. It's really painful still - we were insanely close at school, stayed in touch all through university, even moved into a house share together after we graduated. But in the end she wanted to reinvent herself and throw off what she saw as her "sad" past, which I was inextricably tied up with. I could sort of understand why she did it but I was so hurt.

OP - let us know what you decide. I would entirely sympathise if you didn't reply to her but I think the intrigue would be too much to ignore if I was in that situation.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 09:28

I think I know what's happened and no, it's not very nice. I think based on past behaviours, the ghost friend will do it again. Not and if but a when.

I'm intrigued as to why now. Something else will be happening in the 'friends' life which has prompted this. But yes, as others' have said, black and delete and move on. If you are in a bad space emotionally, the last thing you need is a leech.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 09:29

Quck Q OP, you didn't happen to put it out on social media that you are feeling low, did you?

Onecutefox · 30/10/2018 14:24

I think thay she might have been in a controlling relationship and she couldn't see her friends or even talk to them over the phone. I can only guess that she left him and is rebuilding her life.

Onecutefox · 30/10/2018 14:28

I would actually give her a chance to explain herself. You never know. If she ghosted the OP because of no valid reason then I wouldn't meet her or reply to her further texts.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 14:28

I wouldn't give a backward glance to someone who ghosted me 10 bloody years ago.. why would you give this person head space.. keep your self respect and dignity ... block her and keep walking Flowers

A580Hojas · 31/10/2018 14:35

Curiosity would get the better of me and I'd have to see her. You don't have to carry on with it afterwards.

WheredidtheMortificadosGo · 31/10/2018 14:42

I agree with @Cawfee's suggestion of asking her directly.

For all you know it could be a terrible misunderstanding or someone causing trouble by telling her you did something you didn't do.

Or it could be she just rudely ghosted you and isn't worth bothering with.

Ask the direct question and make expressly clear what happened from your side (that you were texting/calling/went to her house getting no response) - no hinting around so that she can see what your perspective was.

Akanamali · 31/10/2018 14:43

I'd just ignore her or tell her that I wish her well but want nothing to do with her. Anything else is just giving her an invitation to hurt you again. I'm not one to hold grudges but sometimes you have to let people go for the sake of your own peace.

Racecardriver · 31/10/2018 14:47

Any chance that she knew your partner before? Or were they alone at all that evening? From what you describe it seems like he was the catalyst.

Onecutefox · 31/10/2018 15:34

Any updates? I am curious. I hate it when the threads end just like that.

Starlight345 · 31/10/2018 16:05

For the people saying they would want to know . Op has asked before. I would not give her the satisfaction of thinking I am still bothered

trojanpony · 31/10/2018 20:44

No way would I get in touch.
I had a friend do this (not after 10 years though) and on the advice of others gave it another go and she basically re-ghosted me again!?!? WTAF???

Another vote for...
Then don't have anything to do with her.
She hurt you a lot.
You've a lot going on right now.
You don't need this.
So don't engage.
Get onto your social media and block her on everything.
See how she likes being ghosted!
Honestly, you owe her nothing at all.
Don't get drawn into thinking you do.
You don't.

Original poster
WhyNowMrMagpie · 31/10/2018 20:57

Thank you all this has been incredibly helpful.

I've blocked her on social media (for years on FB, and I'm not on any others) so it's highly doubtful she'd have been snooping around - there's nothing to see so I guess texting way the only way to find out what I'm up to these days.

I'm not going to contact her. I've moved on and I don't have the head space for it.

I do think that her husband is the controlling type and that will have played a part. After her text I had a good snoop at her on social media and it looks like they're very much still together. I also get the impression there has been a big family fall out and that she's been cut off from her (very large) family for some reason. Maybe she's burnt all her bridges and is trying desperately to rebuild other ones. Who knows.

For those that asked, there's no way she knew my DH previously. I doubt he touched her up or anything on the night either. We had started to drift before we all went out tbh, that was just the final straw I guess.

I'm happy never knowing why she ghosted me. I'm s good person, I didn't deserve it and it's unfair if her to keep prodding the wound as someone mentioned previously. I'm just going to block her number and forget about her.

Thank you for all your input and sorry that some of you have experienced similar.

OP posts:
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