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Original poster

New guy with ED problems, not sure how to progress?

59 replies

RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 13:05

I recently posted about figuring out whether a guy liked me or not - turns out he does a lot (in his words) and on the last date things got so hot and heavy that I invited home.

Now even though we were kissing heavily & touching lots, he didn't have an erection. This continued until he told me was actually a virgin (he is 23, 4 years younger than me) - he said he had got to this point a few times prior but that anxiety had always prevented him from going further. So I'm thinking oh dear, this is a pattern that hasn't been broken. But on the outside I kept smiling and showing him intimacy.

He made me come, which I think helped with confidence, and lavished me with kisses everywhere and however I wanted them. Eventually he did have a semi-erection but it still didn't last for long. I asked him to show me what he liked, and he did for a while, then gave up. He didn't say anything about it and I didn't mention it further. He kisses me with such amazing passion and I've never had this problem before. I feel like we're both falling in love, but I'm not sure how much this does or doesn't bother him. Any ideas...?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 28/10/2018 13:14

Has he ever had an actual erection?

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 13:18

I didn't think to ask! I didn't want to make him feel worse about the situation...

As I say, if the same thing were to happen next time, I'm not sure which questions to ask/what to say without upsetting him. He told me that in the moment he felt 'paralysed' although he's told me he feels incredible chemistry between us and very comfortable with me.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 28/10/2018 13:25

I’m not the person to really answer this as I am older than you both and the guy I am seeing can be similar and I have a thread where I am not happy about the lack of honesty. It’s a lot to ask of someone (you) to have to essentially try to build a sex life from scratch. Depends whether you already love him

If I am honest with you there are 3 options
Move on
Accept this for what it is
Invest a lot of time into him trying to make it better but this holds zero guarantee of success

What has worked so far is me taking control of it in the sense of making it all very sensual, no PIV expectations, massages, talking cuddling naked but nothing else. I am still frustrated by it none the less but it is still enjoyable

Stillme1 · 28/10/2018 13:26

I would have thought that 23 was a bit young for this. It could be nerves but could be a function problem.
Tread carefully

glitterythingies · 28/10/2018 13:27

I was thinking the same as NotSure...

If he can become erect on his own then we know it's inhibition/fear when he has trouble getting one with you. And then I think just giving him time and taking away expectations may help. Like massage without the happy ending, having fun times tickling and watching movies and telling him it's not an expected end result. He obviously fancies you a lot, but is hella nervous and thinking too much.

However, if he's never been able to get an erection at all, then it's a trip to the doctors methinks.

I'd bet talking about when you're NOT snogging/caressing will be the best time. Like when you're in a private place but not expecting to get it on.

You sound like a kind and sensitive person so just be yourself and let him know you're not trying to pressure him but help him.

Good luck to the both of you. Flowers

glitterythingies · 28/10/2018 13:30

Oops, I meant I was thinking along the lines of notacluewhatthisis

glitterythingies · 28/10/2018 13:31

And as others have said, you don't have to help him with this - my thoughts above only apply if you want to help him with this.

JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 13:35

It’s such early days between you both, this isn’t unusual at all. It’s accepted that women can often take time and need to get to know someone/warm up, build trust for a while before they are able to climax or get really into sex with a partner. Men on the other hand are expected to have a dick as hard as iron on demand and that pressure no doubt contributes to his anxiety!

I would honestly say that you want to take things slow and whenever you go to bed together just see how it goes, enjoy what he does to you, do stuff in return with no expectations, ask for example if it still feels good going down on him without being hard, does he enjoy being touched, where and how. Don’t make it into a big deal, say when and if it happens that’s great but let’s enjoy the process and being together in the meantime. The more you pressure him the worse it’ll get.

It took me months of being with DP before I could finally relax enough to get off with him (I know there’s a difference, but for women I feel that’s like the equivalent as it’s something you can’t force, if you focus on it it’s even more elusive, and as a woman with lube you can have sex unaroused). He was patient and we approached it like I’ve said above. Do the same with this guy, take it easy and enjoy being together!

wewillrememberthem · 28/10/2018 14:03

Does he have a very tight foreskin?

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 14:41

wewillrememberthem - now you mention it he did ask me to be careful with the foreskin a couple of times. Why?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/10/2018 14:48

Would it bother you to not have penetrative sex?
If he can make you come and hes enthusiastic, might be worth trying for a while but without making things official

PookieDo · 28/10/2018 15:00

It’s ok if it does bother you FYI.

SpoonBlender · 28/10/2018 15:05

Ruby Phimosis, he may have a physical issue there where the foreskin is too tight? Ask.

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 15:18

I think it would bother me not to have penetrative sex in the long run, yes. I enjoy it a lot.

Does it bother me right now? Not really. It's nice to be with someone who is so dedicated to making me feel good and...loved, I suppose. It's kind of a dangerous game because I feel like we are falling in love and worry about getting in deeper if the issue doesn't resolve.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2018 15:24

I would end it gracefully and run for the hills.

bitheby · 28/10/2018 15:28

My partner is in his sixties and has problems with ED. I'm in my 40s. I've dealt with it through patience, love and putting as little pressure on him as possible. We have a very good sex life. I didn't give up on him because I love him.

Your guy is very young though. Tread carefully as he will be sensitive about it but encouraging him to see the GP might not be a bad idea.

You can always see how things pan out as he relaxes and gets to feel comfortable with you. He will probably feel very embarrassed about it but if there is a physical problem that could be easily fixed then it's in his interests to get it explored.

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 15:28

Aquamarine1029 - would that not show a lack of patience and empathy? Also he is the most incredible guy I've met in years. So many great qualities, this is just typical! Sad

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 28/10/2018 15:32

It's really difficult. You need to find out more.

Is it ever nerves? Can he get erect on his own? Has he ever had a full erection? Could be over use porn and a death grip, type situation?

There's so much to this. But honestly, you need to get to the bottom of it before you do fall in love. We are all guilty of over looking things because we love the person. But the things we overlook in those first flushes of love, can be the things that cause problems down the line.

Hazardswan · 28/10/2018 15:36

Need more info really OP.

But I will say this, shit happens, life happens it's better to spend time with people who love you and make you your best self then not.

Beansandcoffee · 28/10/2018 15:36

Give him time. He sounds like a great lad who turns you on so is ok there. He isn’t selfish from the sounds of it. A 23 year old should have ED problems and if it never went hard you would think he would have been to the doctors by now. Perhaps he just isn’t ready. As another PP said we expect men to have knobs as hard as rock immediately yet it is ok for women to take their time.

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 15:37

Notacluewhatthisis - he admitted he gets intensely nervous. It doesn't show, but I suppose it's happening internally. As for the erection issues, I don't know the answer. The problem is, I will have to find out answers because I need to know how to progress.

But I also don't want to inundate him with questions in case the problem goes away over time, the more time we spend together in private, relaxed situations. Hmm....

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 28/10/2018 15:37

Shouldn’t have ED difficulties that should sat.

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 15:40

Hazardswan - he definitely makes me my best self and supports me massively. He makes me feel very special and I think he's special.

I was a bit worried that maybe he's not attracted to me but I really don't think it's the case, because he never stopped touching and kissing me despite the lack of erection.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2018 15:50

I think he's love bombing you to try and deflect whatever issues he has, but a man that young not being able to get an erection is a clear sign for very serious issues down the road.

bitheby · 28/10/2018 15:57

Presumably he's got to 23 without going to the GP so you don't have to inundate him so he makes the first available appointment.

But you're getting to know each other and this is part of the package. Don't assume it will get better. Take it step by step. If you fall in love with him, you're falling in love with the whole person, ED and all. As I would counsel anyone in a new relationship, take your time to evaluate compatibility in all areas.