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Original poster

New guy with ED problems, not sure how to progress?

59 replies

RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 13:05

I recently posted about figuring out whether a guy liked me or not - turns out he does a lot (in his words) and on the last date things got so hot and heavy that I invited home.

Now even though we were kissing heavily & touching lots, he didn't have an erection. This continued until he told me was actually a virgin (he is 23, 4 years younger than me) - he said he had got to this point a few times prior but that anxiety had always prevented him from going further. So I'm thinking oh dear, this is a pattern that hasn't been broken. But on the outside I kept smiling and showing him intimacy.

He made me come, which I think helped with confidence, and lavished me with kisses everywhere and however I wanted them. Eventually he did have a semi-erection but it still didn't last for long. I asked him to show me what he liked, and he did for a while, then gave up. He didn't say anything about it and I didn't mention it further. He kisses me with such amazing passion and I've never had this problem before. I feel like we're both falling in love, but I'm not sure how much this does or doesn't bother him. Any ideas...?

OP posts:
Hazardswan · 28/10/2018 16:04

If this is gonna work don't be afraid of talking about it.

If you do carry on, you fall in love and it doesn't work out what sort of person will you be? I think you'll be an amazing person who took someone at face value, was kind and sensitive. If you decide this situation won't work for you then what sort of person will you be? You'd be an amazing person who knows exactly what they want and is strong enough to go for it. If you carry on, fall in love and have a happy ever after then that's good to.

So essentially it's win win win whatever you do and whatever the outcome Grin

Powerless · 28/10/2018 16:21

I'm in exactly same situation (well, we ended today, but still....)

Trust me, as time goes on it will really start to get you down. May not be a huge deal now but not being able to share proper intimacy takes a huge toll on your relationship - trust me!

Viagra is now available without prescription?

You need to talk about the issue. If he's not willing to look at other options such as Viagra or erection cream (🤷🏼‍♀️) then clearly he's just not that into sex or is in denial?

Powerless · 28/10/2018 16:25

Ps, the guy in question also lied about being a virgin - at 36!!!!

He has the same issue. Maybe not having sex once old well & truly old enough, has some kind of detrimental effect?

Branleuse · 28/10/2018 16:30

If penetrative sex is important to you and this guy cant do it then its a non starter. Its his issue. Youre not a charity

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 16:32

True Branleuse. But its so depressing - my previous ex turned out to be a cheating swine but the sex was great. This guy is a much better person but the sex is not happening.

That said, it might be giving it time/more of a chance? I don't want to just drop him.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 28/10/2018 16:44

That said, it might be giving it time/more of a chance? I don't want to just drop him.

As everyone has says, it depends on the issue. It could be nerves or he could be a porn addict that can't function without it. I means that's an extreme, but reasons behind it may determine your plan

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 28/10/2018 17:18

Give him some time. This was just the first time you have been intimate. Sounds like he's not selfish so with a bit of encouragement he can get over his anxiety and whatever he's struggling with.

JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 17:54

OP, you can dump anyone at any time for any reason you wish. That goes without saying.

But I’m surprised to see some posters advocating dumping a guy because the very first time you had sex he didn’t get an erection. Very surprised. I assume if a man slept with a new woman for the first time and she didn’t get wet or have an orgasm they’d be advising him to dump her too. How mercenary!

Notacluewhatthisis · 28/10/2018 18:22

It's not the fact it didn't work once. It's the fact that this has been a problem for him before. It's an on going issue. Not just a one. It's also possible, that he isn't being entirely truthful.

My Dp has occasional ED problems. No, I wouldn't dump him. But if we had just got together and he had never had sex because of constant ED problems, yes I would be considering if a life without piv was for me. I would say the same to a man who just started dating someone and discovered that piv might be permenantly off the table.

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 18:35

I am open to the fact he may have porn addiction or something similar, just hoping not. But given it has happened before, I realise it may not magically dissipate now with me.

My main worry is that he'll run off because he'll feel so deeply ashamed about disappointing me. It would be a shame as we've spent quite a bit of time connecting & getting to know each other and care about each other. I made it clear I'd like to see him again soon, so fingers crossed.

OP posts:
fluffertothegentry · 28/10/2018 18:52

YY to love-bombing to cover porn addiction. Don't let the Fallacy of Sunk Costs (ie the time and emotion you have already invested in him) keep you tied to him like he wants. You deserve a relationship that is what is says it is on the tin.

ED in a 24 year spells trouble, my friends.

JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 19:05

ED in a 24 year spells trouble, my friends.

Or ya know, it could be a physical issue like a tight foreskin, or a psychological one, like it happened the first time he tried to have sex and it scared the bejesus out of him and has caused performance anxiety ever since.

What a load of judgmental fucks.

JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 19:06

Also does anyone have any idea what love bombing is?

You’re accusing him of it because he’s all over OP physically with kissing and sexual attention, like the vast majority of men would be with someone new they’re into? Or because they’ve been dating a few weeks and it’s going well? Where is the evidence of love bombing? What the fuck. Some people are so incredibly nasty.

Friendlyoldwasp · 28/10/2018 19:48

All of these posters saying dump him, give the poor guy a chance! OP you've only shagged (well kinda) once, he was probably really nervous or something - just see how things go don't make a big deal, if it continues gently ask him about it

Original poster
RubyStilleto · 28/10/2018 19:51

Yes I have to say that I have been love bombed before and this doesn't feel the same. It feels more like a genuine loving connection has developed.

I actually feel a massive amount of sympathy for him. Imagine missing out on one of the greatest pleasures in life for this long. It's unreal because he has incredible relationship skills in terms of communication, listening and self-awareness in a way I haven't encountered with other men. I should have known it might be too good to be true!

I'm just not sure how to make him comfortable in the future. JessieLemon I think you are correct that he's had some non-starter experiences that were upsetting and have stuck with him. Not sure what I can do about that.

OP posts:
everandeverandever · 28/10/2018 20:40

I don't want to worry you op, but I was treated to the EXACT same story with my exC as in literally word for word, scenario for scenario... same age (lied about it initially), virgin, problems getting hard, felt the connection etc etc etc), so beware if he is flame of haired and the nearest city begins with a B please do yourself a favour and run as fast as you can and never ever EVER look back.

Of course, I hope I am very wrong. Good luck!

JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 20:48

Just don’t put any pressure on him, when you’re together doing stuff see how it goes on his side, do something and ask if it feels good, enjoy what he’s doing to you. If you’ve slept together 5+ times and still no erection you can bring it up, in a ‘I notice you don’t get hard, is there some reason behind that?’ and you can have an open discussion. See if he’s ever had an orgasm, what works, what doesn’t. Just chill, it’s early days! I’m sure it’s not that he doesn’t find you attractive so you can rest on that point.

PussGirl · 28/10/2018 21:05

If he's horny & fancies you (sounds like he is & does) then Viagra would most likely help a lot - he needs to speak to his GP. Mostly once erections have happened & confidence is gained, then away you go!

If he has a tight foreskin that is painful when he erect, then he probably needs circumcising, in which case he needs to see his GP.

bertielab · 28/10/2018 21:07

GP.

But if not willing to go -you need to end it.

It sounds like love bombing -getting you to 'fall in love' with not the full package.

bitheby · 28/10/2018 21:26

But it may well be his full package! What's the bloke meant to do. Surely love bombing would be taking viagra until she's fallen for him and then refusing to take it.

ED is really common. Way to write off a load of men who don't instantly perform perfectly.

PolkaDoting · 29/10/2018 00:35

Definitely worth giving it a few more weeks I think.

Whereartthouname · 29/10/2018 00:47

Is he gay

ferrier · 29/10/2018 01:04

Definitely worth giving it a bit more time if you're feeling the connection. It may resolve itself or it may not. If not, then you'll need to have that awkward discussion about going to the GP. If it were me I'd do it at a time when sex of any kind is far from your thoughts.

mumto2babyboys · 29/10/2018 02:21

Yes. Obviously he is gay

23 and can't get it up around you.... watch brokeback mountain with him on the next date

I bet he will get hard in no time

Poppiesway1 · 29/10/2018 03:39

I’ve been in your situation twice :(
1st time the man had been stabbed in thigh when late teens, which did almost kill him.. damaged the nerves in his groin and affected his ability to have a full efection. He’s gone through life never managing to have a girlfriend longer than a year or so sadly. (Lovely chap.. was in wrong place at wrong time stabbed 20yrs ago)

2nd time the man was a badly controlled diabetic. He refused to acknowledge he had type 2 and would not take his metformin properly which led to ED. We lasted 6 months. He has also never had a GF for more than 6months at a time. He refused to admit he had any problems.

Just because he is unable to have an erection doesn’t mean a gay!

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