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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is beyond pathetic

67 replies

LifeSucksAss · 27/10/2018 21:50

Been married 14 years 2 DC. Before now I would say the one major issue in our relationship is lack of affection from him. He has no desire to hug or kiss me this has been a issue for quite a few years. We’ve spoken about it and I’ve learnt to live with it to a certain point. Every other aspect in our life was absolutely fine.

I suppose I have been trying to win his approval, keeping myself fit, making a real effort with my appearance and dressing in things I know he would like. But it’s not worked. Absolutely nothing. Barley even looks at me. My confidence has taken a battering over the years with the lack of well anything. The last time I looked nice apparently was on our wedding day, 14 years ago.

Our sex life has dwindled too, we’re now averaging every 6-8 weeks. I ask but usually get turned down. He very rarely asks as he finds it embarrassing apparently. When we do have it it seems very forced and that he really can’t be bothered. Barley any touching, no affection no kissing it’s all a bit passionless really. I’ve got to the point why I think why bother.

He’s always said from the beginning he’s not into porn. We share a pc he is so not tech savvy and I do believe him there. Never seen anything.

But I’ve found out whilst looking at the tv planner deleted items (was looking for a show I accidentally deleted) that he’s been recording shows off tv to perve over. Not baywatch or anything like that. No it’s something so fucking pathetic I can’t even say as it’s so tragic I’m completely embarrassed. Not porn or euro trash or anything like that. Something really, really sad and utterly pathetic. I can’t bring myself to say what.

I’m absolutely fuming, this actually happened a few days ago and I’ve not said anything. It’s s mixture between the pettiness of it and also that he won’t even look at me (I’m 12 years younger than him and I’m not bad looking and haven’t let myself go) yet he’s getting off on the most tragic thing ever.

I can’t tell anyone in RL in fear of being laughed at and judged.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I can be bothered to start over again. Yet on the other hand I can’t see myself being with him for much longer. I’ve turned down expensive tickets for us for a concert for 3 weeks time as I’m so confused and can’t think straight at the moment.

This has happened before, not as pathetic as this but quite sad. I confronted him by text, he actually couldn’t face me as he was so embarrassed so came home packed a bag and was about to leave but accused me of hiding his bank card. He ended up promising he would change he was so embarrassed at just how low he stooped. He actually managed to change his ways towards me, I had 4 whole days of affection then the novelty wore off.

So I’m back here again, sorry for waffling if you’ve got this far.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 27/10/2018 21:54

Oh come on tell us what it is. If he's a twat we might as well know precisely why.

LKRJM · 27/10/2018 21:55

AgreedHmm

Aprilislonggone · 27/10/2018 21:57

Countdown with Carol Vorderman?

Singlenotsingle · 27/10/2018 21:58

TV shows to prevent over? Not that Naked Attraction thing? Grin

Singlenotsingle · 27/10/2018 21:59

Oh this predictive rubbish! Perve not prevent!

junebirthdaygirl · 27/10/2018 21:59

Maybe he just likes the programme!

Alfiemoon1 · 27/10/2018 22:00

It’s difficult to advise without know what he’s been watching sorry hopefully someone with some advice will come along

Original poster
LifeSucksAss · 27/10/2018 22:01

I don’t want to say exactly but think along the lines of he has a foot fetish and has been recording sandals off high street tv.

That’s not it but very similar IYSWIM

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 27/10/2018 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluetrampolines · 27/10/2018 22:06

Wow. I have no idea what you mean. But he's not worthy of you. Honestly imagine lying on your death bed knowing that you'd given your whole life to him.

Gingerlover2 · 27/10/2018 22:10

I know you're angry about his weird behaviour but what really stands out to me is how miserable you've been and for so long. Seriously, I think this is the wake up call you need, this is the time to realise that you've only got one life and do you want to spend it with a man who shows you zero affection, clearly doesn't want to have sex anymore and is creating such unhappiness in you?

As much as you may not like to admit it, your misery will have been noticed by the kids, the atmosphere, the lack of respect etc.

Now IS the time to really decide if this is how you want your life to be or do you deserve to be either with someone who adores you or on your own, and having self respect and pride

I hope that doesn't seem too harsh but this is the issue, not what pathetic fetish he's got

Original poster
LifeSucksAss · 27/10/2018 22:15

Ginger no not at all harsh. I actually completely agree with you. Seriously got some thinking to do.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 27/10/2018 22:19

What screams out at me too is this man has made you miserable for years.

Your kids will grow up and fly the best (and maybe sooner rather than later if their parents have been flogging a dead horse of a marriage for years). What then? Treat this as your wake-up call and start planning to live your life.

LatentPhase · 27/10/2018 22:19

nest!

Feefeetrixabelle · 27/10/2018 22:22

You deserve to be happy- find someone who will make you happy

littlemisscomper · 27/10/2018 22:24

Life is too short to spend it dragging along in a dead relationship!

penisbeakers · 27/10/2018 22:24

Sounds like he wanks into sandals. Is he using them to masturbate with?

I think you need to tell him to leave or you leave since you seem entirely fed up of him.

penisbeakers · 27/10/2018 22:26

I would also check your footwear. If one half of anything seems a bit more worn, or has gone missing entirely, it's probably him. Urgh

EmmaGhostGhoul · 27/10/2018 22:28

He sounds bloody awful and this TV show fetish (whatever it is, my mind is well and truly boggled) should be the last straw. End your marriage and find a man who appreciates you, who wants to have sex with you and doesn't make you feel like you have to be constantly seeking his approval.

Maelstrop · 27/10/2018 22:28

Where do you want to be in 10 years? If it’s not with him, it’s time to leave.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2018 22:34

suppose I have been trying to win his approval, keeping myself fit, making a real effort with my appearance and dressing in things I know he would like

Not sure why you are doing this? Dress to please yourself and no one else - that's also a lot of pressure for someone to handle and quite a turn off!

Sorry he's not that into you and you need to find someone who appreciates you for who you are, and has the same values as you do

You don't sound comparable

Gingerlover2 · 27/10/2018 23:09

Yes, that is EXACTLY the response I hoped for! This is why Mumsnet is such a great place to come, because you get honest and sometimes brutal responses but it does get you thinking. Some people take a while for things to sink in, others it can be just what they needed to hear... you are clearly intelligent, smart and as you said, take care of yourself. Do you have any idea how many guys would love to date a woman like you. Now I'm not saying it's easy out there, I myself am single but still rather be on my own than with someone who makes me unhappy.

IF and it's an IF. as you don't have to suddenly make any drastic moves or decisions, you do decide you've had enough then you will be amazed at how much of a weight has been lifted, how much happier you'll be in the long run and how you'd wished you'd dealt with it before.

But, I would think about giving him an opportunity to understand HOW unhappy you are and that you're nearly done. Of course he will rally, do whatever it takes but then ultimately you have to decide whether you believe he will change.

GabsAlot · 28/10/2018 00:20

was it sharks

Sethis · 28/10/2018 00:31

How often does he jerk off?

Point out that him jerking off instead of having sex with you is hurtful and damaging to your relationship, not to mention completely fucking absurd. The fact that he's not even grown up enough to talk about it just makes it worse.

Propose that if he's unwilling to have sex with you, and instead prefers to jerk off, you're well within your rights to go find someone who is happy to have sex with you whenever you feel the need instead. In order to find a man interested in having sex with a fit woman I suggest you throw a brick in the street.

PickAChew · 28/10/2018 00:35

I used to watch euro trash with dh.