Husband is beyond pathetic

[LifeSucksAss]

Been married 14 years 2 DC. Before now I would say the one major issue in our relationship is lack of affection from him. He has no desire to hug or kiss me this has been a issue for quite a few years. We’ve spoken about it and I’ve learnt to live with it to a certain point. Every other aspect in our life was absolutely fine.

I suppose I have been trying to win his approval, keeping myself fit, making a real effort with my appearance and dressing in things I know he would like. But it’s not worked. Absolutely nothing. Barley even looks at me. My confidence has taken a battering over the years with the lack of well anything. The last time I looked nice apparently was on our wedding day, 14 years ago.

Our sex life has dwindled too, we’re now averaging every 6-8 weeks. I ask but usually get turned down. He very rarely asks as he finds it embarrassing apparently. When we do have it it seems very forced and that he really can’t be bothered. Barley any touching, no affection no kissing it’s all a bit passionless really. I’ve got to the point why I think why bother.

He’s always said from the beginning he’s not into porn. We share a pc he is so not tech savvy and I do believe him there. Never seen anything.

But I’ve found out whilst looking at the tv planner deleted items (was looking for a show I accidentally deleted) that he’s been recording shows off tv to perve over. Not baywatch or anything like that. No it’s something so fucking pathetic I can’t even say as it’s so tragic I’m completely embarrassed. Not porn or euro trash or anything like that. Something really, really sad and utterly pathetic. I can’t bring myself to say what.

I’m absolutely fuming, this actually happened a few days ago and I’ve not said anything. It’s s mixture between the pettiness of it and also that he won’t even look at me (I’m 12 years younger than him and I’m not bad looking and haven’t let myself go) yet he’s getting off on the most tragic thing ever.

I can’t tell anyone in RL in fear of being laughed at and judged.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I can be bothered to start over again. Yet on the other hand I can’t see myself being with him for much longer. I’ve turned down expensive tickets for us for a concert for 3 weeks time as I’m so confused and can’t think straight at the moment.

This has happened before, not as pathetic as this but quite sad. I confronted him by text, he actually couldn’t face me as he was so embarrassed so came home packed a bag and was about to leave but accused me of hiding his bank card. He ended up promising he would change he was so embarrassed at just how low he stooped. He actually managed to change his ways towards me, I had 4 whole days of affection then the novelty wore off.

So I’m back here again, sorry for waffling if you’ve got this far.

Ginger I think it’s exactly what I need to hear right now.

How often does he jerk off? Well the thing is he has always said he never ever does almost like he’s ashamed of it.

I’m already starting to kick myself for the years wasted over him. I write a private diary on my phone. Just little notes and the entry from our anniversary recently says it’s all really... Another year passes us by and all I’ve got to look forward to is another year of disappointment.

Last time we did have a conversation about it, off my own back I decided to wear said item and take photos of myself to send to him. I was out my comfort zone and it was a huge thing for me to do. He Didn’t mention it actually just ignored them.
Tried wearing said item in bed also doesn’t look at me, just lies down on his pillow and closed his eyes. I gave up trying after that as it’s obviously more a thrill to watch it on tv.

We have addressed the lack of affection/ sex many times. He always promises change but it never does. He actually says he wants it to be like old times. He did used to be very affectionate with me and me with him. He’s done a complete u turn. I met him young he was the one in control of all the bedroom business but now it’s all on me. To embarrassed to ask for anything. I don’t know how or why it’s changed so much.

I ask him regularly nd he says he’s really happy, we’re in the best position we have been since we got together.
Our actual life is good, we both have good jobs we bring in enough money to have a nice lifestyle, not rich but we have savings. We have a lovely house I’m a pretty chilled out wife and he goes out when he wants, he does his hobbies. He enjoys work no stress and no issues. His friends often say when they are here they wish there wives were more like me. I just don’t know where it all went wrong.

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night I think it’s time that I confronted him. I need some space so I’m hoping he will leave for a couple of days so I can have a real think about things. I don’t even want a explanation from him, I’m just over it now.

You don't have to live like this, it really isn't enough for you & he just isn't prepared to put the effort in & that's really all you need to know.

His inability to have an adult conversation about it is the weirdest thing I'm reading here, not his fetishising habits. I'm actually wondering if he's gay, but not comfortable with that either

Right, now I understand why you're so angry. You tried to incorporate his thing into the bedroom and he completely ignored it/you??? That is bonkers. Did you try to talk to him about why he just disregards your efforts to accommodate.

You sound so miserable and that in itself is a valid enough reason to end a relationship. It doesn't sound like he wants to change.

Just an idea but you mentioned that's he's older, you can buy viagra online. What about a night in hotel ask him to take the viagra and then if he is still not interested there is something weird going on beyond a fetish

You sound so unhappy I feel unhappy for you op. 

Yes I did try and discuss the fact he ignored my efforts. He was uncomfortable about this conversation and said he was embarrassed and didn’t want to look at me like I was a piece of meat. But he does look at me like the women on the tv but he doesn’t like me seeing him as it’s embarrassing. Everything to him is embarrassing he’s like a child who puts there fingers in there ears saying lalalala.

He’s not old, older than me. Mid 40s and no problem getting it up. The kids go away with camp / grandparents quite often so it’s not a issue with not having time to ourselves.

Our actual life is good

It’s not though is it my love. It sounds awful. I’m on my own and trust me it’s completely brilliant as compared to what you’re describing, just fantastic. You’re going to love it.

He likely has a deep seated shame in regards to sex and his sexual appetites. My guess is that he can’t look st you that way because he feels it is wrong, and that’s why he would rather get off on watching it on television which he is detached from and where it doesn’t taint you and his relationship with you.

That doesn’t help you and the way you feel, though. You are sad, you feel sad and unloved and unwanted. You can only exist like that for so long, then you have to get out and start actually living.

Sounds like he’s got some kind of version of Madonna/whore complex going on here.
He probably needs counseling and lots of it.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP. Hope you find a way out or through this x

So he doesn't have sex with you because he has a fetish.

Then when you take part in the fetish, he sill doesn't have sex with you.

Not even a "Thanks for trying to make it work, however it's better as a fantasy than a reality, so you don't need to do it again in the future" or anything of the sort.

Just sounds like he's massively sexually dysfunctional tbh. It's not normal for a person to not want any sex, ever, and to point blank refuse to talk about the reasons why. If he says he never jerks off then I'd consider that a lie - if men don't have sex and don't jerk off we tend to get wet dreams. Unless you've noticed damp sheets on waking up, he has to be releasing it somehow, somewhen.

Is he so embarrassed by having this conversation that he's willing to throw his entire marriage out the window? Because that's what it's ultimately going to boil down to, unless you arrive at some other solution e.g. you sleeping with guys on Tinder with his consent.

Oh I don’t believe him for a second about that.

I’m going to confront him today, kids are back to school so seems a good time. I’m going to do it by text as there is no point doing it face to face as I won’t get anything out of him.

He actually did make a big effort with us all last night, I think it’s guilt. I think he’s picked up that I’m off with him despite me trying my best to act normal.

I can relate to this OP. My ex husband had a fetish for latex. Although in the early days he would make an effort with sex, it became clear over time that he had no real interest in sex unless I was dressed up. I’d feel so used because I could have been anyone, as long as I was dressed up he was happy.

On the other hand I was deeply unhappy, he wouldn’t have normal sex with me, wasn’t interested in things I liked, I had orders to not make a sound or move during sex because it put him off, he wouldn’t go down on me or even touch me because he found women’s bodies when not coated in latex, rather gross. He had no concerns for my pleasure at all. It was all about him and what he wanted. I used to wake up in the night to him wanking over his magazines in the bed next to me. It’s utterly soul destroying and people here who find it funny or think you should be even more supportive, have no idea what it’s like to live with someone like this.

I left, I decided I was worth more. We did try counselling but he wouldn’t discuss his fetish so it was pointless.

It sounds like this man married OP so he could present an image of himself as 'normal' to the outside world. It's unfortunate that there is still so much shame attached to fetishes and sexual diversity, because this is the sort of thing it can lead to: a lot of longterm unhappiness. It used to be the case that lesbians and gay men would sometimes marry an 'appropriate' partner and hardly ever have sex with the partner, just so that they could pretend they were 'normal'.

I think you would be best off putting an end to this miserable marriage, OP.

Angels thanks for sharing your story with me.

I’ve asked him to leave. He will not admit to it so there is absolutely no discussion to have with him atm. He has pleaded with me and asked to go back to normal and to forget all this and basically brush it under the carpet... again. That’s not happening.

I’ve told him I don’t want to see or hear from him until he can admit it. Apparently the machine has recorded it itself it also must have watched itself and deleted its self a few times.

I’m going to have a very long think over the next day or two but if he can’t even admit it, and is also lying about it then I honestly see no hope or future here.

Good on you for taking back control. I am sending hugs and strength and hope the outcome is what is best for you. In the long run, if you do split, you will be happier. I promise.

Well done you. This must be so tough, that he's willing to throw away his marriage for this. He must feel real shame, it's quite sad really. But you have done more than enough. I hope it ends amicably and you find happiness in due course!

You said that you have a good life but it sounds like each of you has quite a good life, career hobbies etc, but your life as a couple isn't good. He sounds totally disinterested in you, I think you have done the right thing in asking him to leave.