Husband is beyond pathetic

[LifeSucksAss]

Been married 14 years 2 DC. Before now I would say the one major issue in our relationship is lack of affection from him. He has no desire to hug or kiss me this has been a issue for quite a few years. We’ve spoken about it and I’ve learnt to live with it to a certain point. Every other aspect in our life was absolutely fine.

I suppose I have been trying to win his approval, keeping myself fit, making a real effort with my appearance and dressing in things I know he would like. But it’s not worked. Absolutely nothing. Barley even looks at me. My confidence has taken a battering over the years with the lack of well anything. The last time I looked nice apparently was on our wedding day, 14 years ago.

Our sex life has dwindled too, we’re now averaging every 6-8 weeks. I ask but usually get turned down. He very rarely asks as he finds it embarrassing apparently. When we do have it it seems very forced and that he really can’t be bothered. Barley any touching, no affection no kissing it’s all a bit passionless really. I’ve got to the point why I think why bother.

He’s always said from the beginning he’s not into porn. We share a pc he is so not tech savvy and I do believe him there. Never seen anything.

But I’ve found out whilst looking at the tv planner deleted items (was looking for a show I accidentally deleted) that he’s been recording shows off tv to perve over. Not baywatch or anything like that. No it’s something so fucking pathetic I can’t even say as it’s so tragic I’m completely embarrassed. Not porn or euro trash or anything like that. Something really, really sad and utterly pathetic. I can’t bring myself to say what.

I’m absolutely fuming, this actually happened a few days ago and I’ve not said anything. It’s s mixture between the pettiness of it and also that he won’t even look at me (I’m 12 years younger than him and I’m not bad looking and haven’t let myself go) yet he’s getting off on the most tragic thing ever.

I can’t tell anyone in RL in fear of being laughed at and judged.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I can be bothered to start over again. Yet on the other hand I can’t see myself being with him for much longer. I’ve turned down expensive tickets for us for a concert for 3 weeks time as I’m so confused and can’t think straight at the moment.

This has happened before, not as pathetic as this but quite sad. I confronted him by text, he actually couldn’t face me as he was so embarrassed so came home packed a bag and was about to leave but accused me of hiding his bank card. He ended up promising he would change he was so embarrassed at just how low he stooped. He actually managed to change his ways towards me, I had 4 whole days of affection then the novelty wore off.

So I’m back here again, sorry for waffling if you’ve got this far.

I don't think it's fair to say his sexual preferences are pathetic. He is entitled to whatever yum he likes, and we shouldn't yuck on it.

The bigger issue here is why your marriage has become so unhappy and what you both want to do about it. Have you ever done anything proactive like counselling or worked through courses etc? Have you both passively hoped for the best? You both deserve happiness.

@GabsAlot are you Monica ? 😏

I think you should both be happy, at the moment neither of you sounds happy.

I thought you were going to say (old) Homes Under The Hammer because he wanks off over Lucy. Whatever he’s recording sounds even worse.

Your relationship sounds dead in the water. You deserve more than this twat badger. The last time he thinks you looked nice was your wedding...What An Arse.

Foot fetish is really weird, does he do any other weird stuff?

Personally I would be disgusted by a foot fetish

Also if he has a smart phone he is prob watching porn on it like most other men

He sounds very cold and uncaring especially when you make an effort!

But maybe now that you know what he is into

and if you want to stay with him

you can buy whatever ones on qvc he was looking at.

It's not the worst thing its just very very weird

You do know Op that when you finally get shut of him...you will kick yourself for having wasted some of the best years of your life.

Thankfully you will have a lot of catching up to do on having a great life without the miserable sod dragging you down any further.

Remember to put yourself first from now on and do what makes you happy

Foot fetishes aren't that weird. What's weird is when they attach emotional value to an object (example a sandal) and then want to marry it.

People attach sexual and emotional value to inanimate objects. Paraphilias are astounding.

You sound like two unhappy and lonely people, stuck in a groove.

If you don't want to end it, try to make the most of the good things in your relationship - there must be some. Be cheerful and show love in different ways. He may come to realise how much you mean to him.

If that doesn't work you know what you have to do. Your happiness is important. However I'd like to think the pair of you can work something out. No-one has a perfect relationship.

I think it's slightly unfair to call what is his clearly his fetish "pathetic". If this came out in the past before and he almost left, I take it you didn't have a deep conversation around it and how to incorporate it into your sex life (if you would be happy to) or how he can enjoy it without involving you and without jeopardising your life together? You sound SO angry at him, I'm not surprised he is not into sex: he seems to have a lot of shame around this side of his sexuality, and it doesn't sound (from your posts) that you have been particularly supportive. I think this is the bigger issue.

If you can't accept this, he's probably miserable too. I think you need a big conversation about this fetish and how important it is to him and his sexual fulfilment (regardless of how pathetic you find it). If for him it's a core part of his sexuality and you reject it so obviously and with such disdain, it's time to call time for both your sakes.

Compared to some of the porn habits we've seen described here, his foot fetish seems pretty harmless. Overall he seems to have some combination of low libido and aversion to real life sex. And he's more comfortable with being in a technically sexless relationship.

But instead of owning up to this and giving her the chance to leave, he's strung her along with lots of empty promises I bet. She has every right to be furious. This goes to show, if you find yourself in a sexless relationship or close to it and you aren't happy with this, you need to address this and if there's no alternative be prepared to walk away.

What do you get from being in a relationship with him?

It seems to me that you get very little - perhaps financial security??

Is what you get from being with him enough to make you stay with him?

I think you have to make a decision -- oh and the TV thing is pretty irrelevant imo. It's the rest of the relationship which sounds utterly soul destroy to me

Well I suspect you are both equally miserable and could spend an afternoon arguing top trumps on who is to blame / who is the more miserable.

You have mismatched sexual needs. There are lots of women on mn who get a lot of support for not feeling up to have Sex as much as their partner wishes. What’s going on his life? Is he under a lot of strain? Possible depression? Over worked, job worries? Financial worries? He must know you are thinking of leaving him. One of the big signs of someone having an affair is their sudden interest in improving their appearance. Perhaps this is on his mind and he is just waiting for you to end it.

Also unless he’s watching CBeebies programmes or animal documentaries to get his kicks, then what the hell does it matter? Actually how many mums watched Tom Hardy read the bedtime story... so maybe don’t just assume the worst either.

I don’t know how you’ve got this far without proper communication and the lack of respect between each other isn’t helping. If you want to save your marriage then you need counselling. And you should probably undertake it anyway if you do want to divorce.

You sound unhappy and unvalued. You don’t need a reason more than this and you don’t need to discuss his fetish with others.

You've been unhappy for so long and life is really too short. Make some steps to leave him so he can watch his fetish tv shows on his own.

@LifeSucksAss

Is it just the shoe thing and him being unaffectionate or does he do anything else weird?

Was just reading in the guardian about some weirdo who goes and cleans someone's house dressed as a maid for free.

The upside is at least you know what he is into, but if it makes you uncomfortable it's understandable

How have the conversations gone about the lack of sex and affection previously?

Who cares if he has a fetish. That’s not the issue - it’s the lack of sex and affection.

Spill otherwise replies are as pointless as your post

Rather than dressing up maybe just polish your feet?? 😂😂😂

Read the thread people! He hasn't got a foot fetish, op is likening his actual fetish to whatever it actually is and using this as an example.

Anyway, he sounds like a misery. Don't ever just settle op. Life is far too short to settle.

I’m sorry for the pain you are experiencing in your marriage.

Think back to what it was that attracted you to this man in the beginning? Something did!

Sadly it sounds like there has been underlying communication challenges between the two of you for quite a while.
Your husband has gradually just shut down & with drawn. I wonder if he gives affection/ cuddles to your children?
There are some deep issues/ wounds there that need to be addressed with a professional marriage counselor. Marriage is really hard & it takes a lot of work from both. The stress & pressure of life can eat away at marriage & couples can drift apart so easily...., Consider talking to a therapist & tell your husband that you want him to go too. Maybe have individual & joint sessions together? Your at a cross roads. For it to be saved, I think you have to get to the root cause or nothing’s going to change. It’s not external beauty that cultivates intimacy & deepens love. There’s so much more in the mix like respect, feeling valued, feeling needed, heard, safe, understood, honouring each other, knowing each other’s love language, putting each other first. It’s a journey.
I wish you the best.

If the problem is lack of sex and affection then it's not surprising you're hurt and fed up. But youve talked to him about this - he isn't going to change. Thats his right. Yours is to end the marriage and find a better man to spend your life with. Or to spend it pleasing yourself. If he cant handle a real relationship and prefers a fetish, well that's a bit sad but it doesn't reflect badly on you.

I found reading your post so saddening.

Can you accept living this way for the rest of your life? Do you know if he loves you deep down? Is he unhappy, too? Do you feel like you're just there for housework and childcare?

You deserve to be happy and to feel you are loved and desired. If you know in your heart that you will never get this from him and can't go on that way, then I feel it's time to move on.

I think you've already decided that it's not working; you're unhappy, you tried warning him and it's still the same. How straightforward would it be for you to split from him?

You deserve to be happy. Whatever fetish it is doesn't matter, He's making you miserable. I couldn't live in a sexless marriage and I've told my husband this. Find someone else. It's not worth it.