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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not really know what to do

74 replies

letscometogether · 27/10/2018 17:53

Massive fall out with DP. Our fourth massive argument in four weeks. Always happens on the weekend.

Anyway, today DS1 (2 yrs 11 mths) took DP's game console off a shelf by standing on a toy box and emptied the contents. We were both in another room at the time (him cooking, me in loo) and I only found out when DS2 (14 mths) brought the empty storage bag thing over.

So ensues DP in a rage shouting, tipping the toy box on the floor so the toys smashed to the ground and scaring DS2 in the process. Start throwing and slamming the toys back in the box to find the tiny game cartridges that cost £60 each!!!!!

Shouting that DS1 has no respect, there are children his age that behave better, there's something wrong with him, he must be on the spectrum. Calls me woman, and that I need to teach them to know better. Basically it's all my fault despite telling him earlier how DS1 can reach that shelf.

I'm over the constant arguments. Screaming and shouting in front of the kids. I hate it. I've wanted to leave so many times. But I'm a SAHM with no money and tbh this is the kids home.

Am I better staying here? I do love him. But I also really hate him sometimes

OP posts:
PickAChew · 27/10/2018 17:54

You are never better subjecting the kids to a lifetime of violent abuse.

BruegelTheElder · 27/10/2018 17:59

He sounds awful, if you want your kids to grow up in a safe and loving environment, leave.

BaldricksCoffee · 27/10/2018 18:07

DP's game console

So basically a toy then, and left within reach of a small child. That is totally his fault, and there's no way he should be blaming either the child or you, the child's mother. He is entirely at fault, and what does he do next? He has what can only be described as a tantrum. An adult one, and more than enough to frighten the children.

That is really horrible.

Original poster
letscometogether · 27/10/2018 18:14

Yeah and now he's pretending that nothing has happened. Being all lovey dovey to me and the kids. Expecting me to be grateful for him cooking

Fuck that!!!

I did write a thread a few weeks ago about his arcade machine and his behaviour but that was under a different account and compared to that, today was a drop in the bucket.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2018 18:20

Your children deserve better then to live in a household where they’re screamed at and insulted and their toys ate smashed by an adult whose job it is to protect and care for them.

How can you love someone who treats a toddler like that?

I didn’t see your previous thread but I promise you won’t get anyone telling you you’d be right to stay. Your babies need you to protect them.

dirtybadger · 27/10/2018 18:27

I don't have kids. This analogy is supposed to demonstrate how wrong it is with a child, not to compare your child to an animal.

With that....

I have a dog. If DP left a sandwich or something valuable within its reach, and then it chewed or ate it...he has a fucking cheek to blame me. Where he puts his thing is his business. And if he is shouting and scaring my dog he can get out, too!! Why are you responsible for where he stores his things? Unless he specifically asked you to kindly move it onto another shelf for him (and you didnt despite agreeing), or to make sure the door is shut to room X to stop this happening....then it's his own stupid fault. And his reaction is way OTT.

Alaria4 · 27/10/2018 18:37

OP.

There are obviously a lot more issues than this alone...BUT this alone would have me kicking my DPs ass out of the door....

Your poor children having to witness this all the time and just as PP has said - time to protect your babies.

It's not easy when you have no income and when you are clearly in an abusive relationship with two very young children.

Do you have family/friends around to help you?

Many people here on MN have such great advice as well as having the experience to guide you. I haven't been on here long but have already seen 2 threads where the OP has successfully left a relationship like this. There is always a way but I think first you need to accept you must leave otherwise you will condemn your poor DCs to this abuse.

Find your fight and get the hell out of there. It will never get any better.... Great dads and partners do not act like that.

Original poster
letscometogether · 27/10/2018 18:55

My dad says we're welcome at his anytime, but he lives in a very small flat, 50 min bus ride away, where the kids would have to top and tail a bed, and I'd be on the couch. It's not bad I know but unfeasible in the long run.

I just keep thinking that this is their home. DS1's nursery is a 2 minute walk away so why should I leave? Why can't he? But of course I wouldn't even able to afford rent etc.

I'm just lost. I don't know if anyone can help/advise

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 27/10/2018 19:19

This can't continue Op. you may be a Sahm and it will take planning, but I think you need to get rid. what sort of an example is this teaching your boys?

Original poster
letscometogether · 27/10/2018 19:23

@Ooogetyooo I know. I just don't know how to. That's why I've come on here. I don't know where to go from here

OP posts:
category12 · 27/10/2018 19:27

Your poor dc. You need to get them out of this environment. He leaves or you need to.

Have you looked into what benefits you'd be entitled to on your own? You'd get housing benefit etc which should pay the rent. He'd be expected to pay child support. Check out the online calculators.

Ooogetyooo · 27/10/2018 19:56

Is there anyone close by that can help you initially? That display of aggressive violent temper that scares your kids- not good . You have to act. Don't just do nothing .

redwinewhitewinegin · 27/10/2018 19:57

Stay with your dad life's to short to put up with that kind of bullshit.

Original poster
letscometogether · 27/10/2018 23:49

Jesus fuck!!!

as soon as it all calms down, he starts again. I've lost my tablet and now he thinks that DS1 has thrown it in the bin. We've looked over the house can't find it. Firmly believes it's our son's fault

Banging around. Shouting. "He needs to learn some fucking respect". Blaming him. Blaming me. Yes, it probably is my fault but not our 2 year olds.

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!!! Nasty little cunt

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 27/10/2018 23:52

He sounds a bit unhinged. A two year old is disrespecting him by displacing a tablet (which he probably hasn't done but that's by the by).

I think being at your dad's would at least mean you can save a bit of money up and then find somewhere small to rent. If you can't afford the rent on your current place then you would have to move out sooner or later anyway.

Cherryberrypie · 28/10/2018 00:13

Tell him to leave and take his bloody console with him. You and your DC will be happier without his selfish, childish behaviour.

Just imagine OP, being able to relax in your own home without all this angst, you and DC deserve better.

Petitepamplemousse · 28/10/2018 00:19

Disgusting abuse of an UNDER THREE year old. Please protect your child from this vile man.

Original poster
letscometogether · 28/10/2018 00:23

@Cherryberrypie that's the thing he won't leave. I told him to today, but he won't.

I want to leave, but I feel sad about it. This is their home, I'll have to pull DS1 out of nursery if I'm at my dad's and he loves it there.

But I agree that thought is heavenly 

OP posts:
Original poster
letscometogether · 28/10/2018 00:26

@dirtybadger yeah I'm slowly coming to realise he's not 100% in his head. Probably gets that from his vile mother.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/10/2018 00:30

Have a go at recording him. Then when he is calm, play it too him and see his reaction. If he thinks this is reasonable behaviour then you know things are not going to change.
If he is ashamed of his behaviour then you may get through this with counseling.

He needs to understand 2 year olds have little to no impulse control and are naturally curious.

PickAChew · 28/10/2018 00:31

It's no great home if it is full of anger. Go to your dad's, if you rent, and move somewhere bigger when you can.

Singlenotsingle · 28/10/2018 00:32

It's the only answer, isn't it? If your dad's willing to have you, hopefully it'll only be temporary while you save up for a place of your own. You'll all be much happier without that idiot. The DC could end up traumatised if he's allowed to carry on like this.

Original poster
letscometogether · 28/10/2018 00:36

He needs to understand 2 year olds have little to no impulse control and are naturally curious.

This what I've been trying to tell him, but he refuses to accept it. Just keeps saying that DS1 needs boundaries and discipline, needs to learn respect, is out of control . And of course it's all my fault

But yes @Weenurse I think I may record him... if I can get my phone out in time 

OP posts:
Original poster
letscometogether · 28/10/2018 00:39

@Singlenotsingle I know, that's what I dread. I see their little faces when he's like this. They go quiet. My heart aches for them. I know what damage it can do. I just hope they don't turn out to be like him.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 28/10/2018 00:44

You really need to leave, your poor ds being blamed for being a toddler.

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