To not really know what to do

[letscometogether]

Massive fall out with DP. Our fourth massive argument in four weeks. Always happens on the weekend.

Anyway, today DS1 (2 yrs 11 mths) took DP's game console off a shelf by standing on a toy box and emptied the contents. We were both in another room at the time (him cooking, me in loo) and I only found out when DS2 (14 mths) brought the empty storage bag thing over.

So ensues DP in a rage shouting, tipping the toy box on the floor so the toys smashed to the ground and scaring DS2 in the process. Start throwing and slamming the toys back in the box to find the tiny game cartridges that cost £60 each!!!!!

Shouting that DS1 has no respect, there are children his age that behave better, there's something wrong with him, he must be on the spectrum. Calls me woman, and that I need to teach them to know better. Basically it's all my fault despite telling him earlier how DS1 can reach that shelf.

I'm over the constant arguments. Screaming and shouting in front of the kids. I hate it. I've wanted to leave so many times. But I'm a SAHM with no money and tbh this is the kids home.

Am I better staying here? I do love him. But I also really hate him sometimes

What's your situation OP?
Do you own/rent? Whose name is the house in?
Do you know how he earns so how much child maintenance he'd pay?
Is it only the oldest at nursery?
What did you use to do for work? Is getting a job feasible?

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you need to protect your children from this aggressive man-child.

You can remain living in the same house together but separate. If you cease being a couple, so no longer eat together, cook for each other, don't do his laundry, sleep in separate rooms and then make a claim for benefits. Providing you separate your finances and he no longer pays for your stuff you will be ok. Alternatively you could make a homeless application on the basis it is no longer safe for you and your son to remain in the property with him due to his abusive behaviour. It will only get worse.

@WrongSideOfHistory we rent, both of our names are on the contracts

He's on about £600 a week, there is never much left over due to bills, rent, fees and the council tax debt he got us into.

Yes the eldest, but fortunately from January we no longer have to pay so that's £380 a month up.

I used to do call centre work/ admin/ kitchen work. I've been looking for the past few months for part time work that fits around his long working hours, but there's very few to apply for and not heard back from the ones I have.

@Jack65 I had no idea you could claim when living with someone. I'll go over all my options and see which is best.

I've got at least a week to decide. DS 3rd birthday next Sunday and don't want to ruin it for him

This is going to sound harsh Op and I'm sorry but birthday or no birthday you can't stay in this situation. Your little boys 3rd birthday isn't going to be made any worse by leaving. What if manchild decides to have a wobbler on your kids birthday ? Won't that spoil things? They'll always be a reason to put it off, birthdays Christmas etc etc rip the plaster off now and don't let this aggressive shouty man scare your kids anymore.

Hi OP. My sympathies with being landed with such an a-hole. My ex was a bit like this. He would leave his stuff lying around then, if one of the kids damaged anything, he would kick off. He would often say the kids 'have something wrong with them' and 'they need to see someone' etc.
He would always accuse everyone else if he lost anything - someone must have moved it etc. It wore me down to nothing and I had to end it before I completely lost myself. It was very hard (and still is at times) but now I'm in my own place with the kids and I can't tell you how lovely it is to have a nice calm house (most of the time) and not be walking on eggshells.
Please don't put up with this. If he hit you, would you stay? I doubt it. This is still a form of abuse. Don't let your kids think this is a normal way to behave, its not healthy.
I hope you find the strength to leave.

@crappyday2018 that's exactly what he's like. Everyone else's problem but his.
Do you mind me asking how you left? How you got on your feet?

Your relationship with this man is well and truly over or it should be.
Your child's 3rd birthday is not going to be made any worse by leaving now. There is no point at all in recording him, he could very well turn on you for doing so.

What is there also to love about this man at all?. He likely grew up being verbally abused himself and now he is taking that out on these children. You want that dynamic for your kids too?. This situation now is untenable and this manchild is verbally abusing and otherwise insulting your kids right in front of your very eyes. I would leave and stay with your dad for a while.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are well worth contacting here as well.

@Ooogetyooo I know, that's the thing. But I just think, "well, it's on a Sunday so we'll be together anyway so why not use the extra week to make plans etc"

A slippery slope I know. He's still banging on about the tablet. He's triple checked the house to make a point that DS1 threw it away. Can't find it, so my day will be fun.

This manchild is more concerned about his tablet than you people who are of really of no real concern to him at all.

I would seriously consider going to your Dad's today and staying there.

@letscometogether We owned our home and I was lucky enough that I could just about afford the mortgage on my own, so he agreed to move out and I put the house on the market. It took well over a year to sell so it was a difficult time financially. Once it sold, I got just enough money to put a deposit down on a rented place. I didn't really get any money from the sale as it was an ex new-build so had to drop the price significantly.
I get tax credits and he pays maintenance for the kids (although I'm currently having to file a case with CMS - whole other story) and I work 30 hours per week so we live fairly comfortably now.
Do you work OP? what is your housing situation - do you own or rent?
One of the other posters mentioned claiming when you still live together but its not as easy as that. I asked the tax credits about that and they said its complicated and that I should wait until we are in separate houses. Its worth asking the question though.
Would it be possible to borrow some money from your dad to get a rental? Please also use the entitledto calculator to see what you would get and use the maintenance calculator too.

I know this sounds out but would you consider going to refuge? This man is damaging your children. Please protect them. You really need to leave. There will be other birthdays. But the damage done to your children cannot be undone.

Have you asked him to leave with his gadgets?

Old man, your dc is under 3 ffs!

Pack tour man child a bag and kick his arse out! You do be better off all round. Claim benefits and he will have to pay you child maint, and live in peace

@letscometogether sorry I missed your reply earlier. I see you rent and are both on the tenancy and that you don't currently work.
How long do you have left on the tenancy?

Can you call the police if he kicks off again? They will take him away and may ask him to stay away. It will go on record and may be helpful further down.

Call women's aid and ask about occupation orders where he will be made to leave. He is abusing the dc. You can also involve social services. I did in a similar situation when abusive stbxh refused to leave and we had a child. I got social services involved as I couldn't get rid of him. It helped my case as I was seen to be doing everything to protect my dc. Eventually manage to get an occupation order to get him out via dv services.

Op!! Please act to protect your children from this bully. Start the ball rolling TODAY

@crappyday2018 it's currently on a rolling contract. We've been here for 2 years.

I phoned my dad with a view to leave. He's wore me down though, despite saying I'm a shit mum, I leave the house in a state... oh and he spent another £200 on another tablet but has cancelled it since.

He says he's going to change and we'll work on our relationship. I'm still looking at my options as I doubt this relationship will last.

I did do a shit thing though. Told him I didn't love him anymore and threw the engagement ring on the floor. Told him I didn't want it back.

I don't think it's bad enough to call the police/social services. He's not physically abusive.

@AttilaTheMeerkat sorry, I missed your comment

It is pretty much over I agree. I don't see us being together when DS1 starts school.

He works hard, cooks, does housework,treats us well when he doesn't go off on one. I do love him. But not as much as before

Yeah he has a shitty mum, who was a terrible mum to him. And I mean such things as breaking light bulbs on his bedroom floor to stop him getting up at night. They both have bad tempers

I wouldn’t want to be engaged to a man like that.. good on you op for acucking it back at him

He scares your dc, OP. Put them first. Get them out of this.

Well you're not tied into your rental contract then. You have 2 options - either go and stay with your dad for a while, or borrow money and find another rental alone.
Please don't be sucked in to his pathetic promises to change. You know deep down you won't. I was with my ex for 16 years and he only got worse. We split up several times in those years, each time he promised to change etc etc. He never did.

*he won't.

LIsten

His anger is out of control

He is one very tiny step away from physically injuring one of your babies.

YOu need to pack, and leave, and go to your dad's flat.

Your children can top and tail

You can sleep on the couch.

Because

The level of abuse being levelled at your children WILL be damaging their brain development.

Your children currently live in a house where they and their mother are abused, and this puts them at risk of criminal behaviour later in life.

The best thing you could possibly do for them is GO.

Life on benefits is ok. People who leave abusive relationships are happier as single parents.

He is a horrible man and this belief of his that a toddler is capable of adult level self control is one day going to result in one of your children being seriously injured by their father.

Get out now.

You're going to pack their clothes, nappies, blankets and paperwork, call a cab, and go to your dad's flat.

Your partner will cry and promise to change. He WILL actually mean it, it'll not be a lie, but it won't hap-pen because he's not aBLE TO CHANGE.