Have you ever forgiven a cheater

[spinningworld]

As the title.

Have you ever found your partner cheated, even though it's never acceptable, there were other factors that meant the partner was in a bad place mentally I.e family bereavement and went off the rails somewhat.

Have you ever been able to forgive and try again?

This is just what's happened to me

Have you forgiven? Or are you trying to decide whether to forgive?

I forgave my exP the first time. Not long afterwards he was at it again with someone else.

No.. I tried for 3 years and was never quite able to forgive him. It was a massive factor in why we split up

I'm currently trying. It was a short emotional affair, when I found out he handed me his phone with all texts, blocked her and we are going to councilling. 20 yrs married, 3 kids. I can't tell you if it'll work or like others find that in a few years time I realise it's not worth it. I just didn't want to make a rash decision, rather whatever I do I want to do it cleanly and decisively for the kids.

I don't consider myself an arsehole, I'm distraught that he has cheated but I feel I could possibly forgive him given the recent family events.

No way am I condoning the cheating and I absolutely do not trust him as far as i could throw him. But will that trust come back, and the big question will he cheat again. Obviously no one knows.

I’ve mostly forgiven an emotional affair, not the same as physical cheating (apparently he tried to kiss her but she wasn’t sure as he was married, so he’d have got more physical, clearly) but he was brutal in the way he talked about how amazing he was, how he wanted to sleep with her, worried about her feelings when they were supposedly cutting non essential contact (they were colleagues) but didn’t give a toss about my feelings, sat next to me texting her and ignoring me while I fed our newborn ds2, although he’d told me they’d stopped contacting each other months earlier. And lied and lied. It’s changed things and taken a few years but I feel ok again now. It’d have been easier to have just left though.

No. There's no excuse and I'd show especial contempt for someone who tried to blame it on something else besides the fact he had no self-control and couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

I stayed, it was not easy, it was the right decision for us and 7 years later things are good, but it was difficult for quite some time and I don't think you ever truly get over it with no lingering effects

Yes. We’ve been together 17 years, childhood sweethearts. He had an affair while we were long distance about 6 years in (at separate universities). I’d been having loads of fun and mentioned I wasn’t sure I wanted a boyfriend anymore and he started an affair with his housemate. I forgave and 11 years and two kids later we are blissfully happy.
Life is not as black and white as ‘once a cheater always a cheater.’ You know your dp and your circumstances best x

Mine had an emotional affair/infatuation with someone at a point when his mum was dying and we had big business issues. I haven’t really forgiven and certainly can’t forget but I do think personally that he was looking for a deflection , something more ‘nice’ to think about as the main brunt of our conversations at that point revolved totally around these issues. Didn’t find out till 11 years later and totally by chance.

My DH had a short affair (lasted about 3 months) 2 years after we got married. I forgave him and it was truly awful for about 3 years as he still worked with her off and on and my confidence was rock bottom. It takes a VERY long time to get over and to get the trust back and I totally understand why for some people it would mean the end of a marriage. We had been childhood sweethearts since we were 15 and I felt it was worth trying again. That was 32 years ago and we are still married and he has never done it again.

Yes I have and it was not easy by a long shot. I am 7 years on now and don't really ever think about it, we are in a good place now but it's been a journey to get here and took at least a year for me to even consider not leaving him most days and that I had made the right choice and that was with him doing anything I asked and showing complete remorse. Anyone can make a mistake once, I have in the past and regretted it and felt bad and I guess that was one of my factors in trying again.

I can say I have let my guard down again now after all this time, but I guess I feel differently if he were to do it again. I strongly believe I would know, I knew the first time before it all came out. I also know I wouldn't stay if he were to do it again and also I know I could cope without him just fine. That has to some extent changed our relationship. I don't ever really think like that but when it comes down to it that's how I feel and he also knows this. He knows there would be no second chance. It took a long while to fully let go perhaps 3/4 years. I guess it's like a grieving process. He gets more upset thinking back about it than I do, I can talk about it quite matter of fact and not get upset but I know he feels guilt still and ashamed most of all.

It is nice to hear some positive stories and that making it work is doable.

We are living separately as of now, I'm not going to go completely no contact because I still want to be there to support him through the grieving period. I guess I am trying to convince myself his behaviour was more of a deflection rather than just going out to hurt me.

I still love him dearly but also hate the sight of him at the moment.

This will be a very long road, I guess it's a case of wait and see.

I've just started a very similar journey to yours OP so can't say for sure yet, but DP didn't blame anyone else but himself and was suitably devastated when it all came out (and a bit relieved in a way) which helps. It was a one off whilst away with work followed by some months of messaging which petered off before I found out.

We've been to couples therapy and he's starting individual therapy to deal with a shitty childhood/adolescence which I can see had a significant effect on how he sees himself and responds to attention.

I can forgive - but am still figuring out if I'll ever trust him again, and that's the biggie.

It's shitty isn't it - I really do empathise 

Do you have any children together, spinning?

I tried with ex husband but never really forgot it, move on 6 years he did it again and he now lives with her.

I'm completely over him now but he turns up at the door occasionally looking all sheepish and telling me his 'regrets' poor dear!

@dontalltalkatonce

No children and the home is mine.

So it's literally just a case of trying to sort this mess out.

He hasn't tried to blame anyone else, our relationship at home albeit a bit sad given the circumstances, was fine.

He comes across as genuinely upset.

With all this in mind I'm not forgetting that he is a man, has cheated and possibly has the capacity to put on a 'good act'. So I'm keeping myself detached as far as I can without deserting him completely

I found out about the infidelity through messages on social media, not being where he says he was etc.

@DiaryofWimpyMum

Oh I've had all the, he regrets every minute of it, feels ashamed, wish he could turn back time etc etc

Watch this space, he will probably rock up with a new partner in a couple of weeks. Preparing myself for that!!!

@CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger

I feel exactly the same, for me forgiving isn't the difficult bit, it's the trust.

I found out my husband was seeing someone at work 8 years ago. It absolutely destroyed me. I still think about it to this day. I always said I'd leave but when it came to it, it wasn't that simple.

I stayed, and he's been trying to make it up to me ever since. I do love him and we are in a good place now. I don't think you ever forget it though, it just doesn't hurt as much as it did.

I couldn't stay with him if he ever did it again though. I couldn't got through it again.

I did and it was a disaster. He never took any personal responsibility for the affair, blamed OW and how she deceived him, was angry that I didn’t support him in his grieving for OW ( she dumped him and then told me, that’s how I found out ).

He never tried to make up for it in any way, he was really unpleasant to me and resentful that his great love affair was over. Somehow it was my fault was so unhappy.

He turned it all round so that in his head he was the one who ended the affair for my sake so it was my job to be very nice to him In appreciation of his great self sacrifice. He thought I should do the pick me dance and was furious that I didn’t.

His story alternated between it being

A. Nothing and I was exaggerating it and was therefore a nutter and he was a saint for putting up with it and

B . The love affair of the century, he was a broken man and I was a heartless bitch for not consoling him in his tragic loss.

We went for counselling and that was even worse, the female counsellor was very taken with my DH, they had lots of sessions alone when he talked about his unhappy childhood and disastrous first marriage .

When I tried to discuss the affair in counselling, he talked all about why it wasn’t his fault and nothing really happened anyway and it was mostly in my head. And even if it did happen, he’s sorry.

And the counsellor basically said “ well he’s said he’s sorry, what more do you want ? “. That was it, I was the problem for not being nicer and more forgiving. And for being a nutter/ heartless.

He was never remorseful in any way and blamed me for imagining things. Even though I had hard proof of lots of things eg they had stayed in hotels and he had taken a lot of money from our joint savings account, which he said was a loan to brother but in fact he gave to OW. I mean lots of money, all our savings .

Whenever I raised it with him, he kept saying that his counsellor had told him he wasn’t to blame for my feelings so refused to discuss it.

Everything was basically about getting me to STFU so that his normal life could continue.

I tried to make it work for three years after that. I was unhappy every single day. Then he left and went to live with someone else , a different OW. He denied it and said he was living alone but wouldn’t say where.

He came to see the kids at my house so I didn’t Ever find out.

Then he came back after a few months and asked to reconcile, Said he still loved me. I asked for advice here on MN and everyone said that OW number 2 had dumped him and not to take him back.

I ignored that advice and took him back for the sake of the children.

He’s has behaved like a total shit since them. Treats our home as a free hotel. Does little to nothing with the kids . “ works away “ for weeks on end. Is barely civil when he returns except to dump his laundry and go out with his mates. We don’t share a room, we never kiss or cuddle, he treats me like the nanny and housekeeper.

I realise that I’ve taught him that he can behave any way he chooses and I willl put up with it.

Im a fool. I should have listened to MN and kicked him out the first time I found out about the affair. Please don’t end up like me .

I met someone through my then best friend. He and I got together and a few months later they started an affair. They'd known each over years and years and nothing happened between them... but She said the way I spoke about him, and the way he and I were together had made her 'realise she was in love with him'🙄 after I found out, they got together properly ...after they inevitably split up (after she had an affair with a friend of his 👍🏽) he and i became friends again and got back together, and had a relationship for 4 years.

Totally wasted four years of my life. We weren't unhappy, or arguing daily or anything but There was alot of sadness in me over it, the betrayal went deeper than I realised at the time, and it just seemed so pointless that they'd both hurt me, and ultimately for nothing. I knew then I'd never go back with someone who cheated on me, the damage is already done.

Yes I forgave an ex. He went on to cheat a few more times.
I would never accept it now.

In your situation with no kids I would drop him like a hot potato.

No. He was out of the door in less than a hour.

Pears, it's not too late. Listen to MN now and leave him.
I think an affair can be forgiven if a partner is truly remorseful and doesn't do thay shit thing of gaslighting and making out thst none of it was their fault. At the risk of sounding like Oprah or Dr Phil, they have to own their behaviour and take genuine steps to put right the relationship.
I think forgiveness only works once. If a cheater sees the utter devastation that they cause and then do that to you again, there is no hope of fixing that imo.