Have you ever forgiven a cheater

[spinningworld]

As the title.

Have you ever found your partner cheated, even though it's never acceptable, there were other factors that meant the partner was in a bad place mentally I.e family bereavement and went off the rails somewhat.

Have you ever been able to forgive and try again?

This is just what's happened to me

I tried, but in the end I couldn't. I used to think that if I tried hard enough I would be able to get past it, but then someone told me forgiveness is a gift, like love. Or either comes to you, or it doesn't. And nothing you can do can force it if it simply isn't there.

Thank you Iwannaseehowitends

I stayed the first time. He did it again.

Also, people die. This won't be the only bereavement or hard time in a lifetime. Most people's go-to when suffering a loss is not betraying a partner.

No, I wouldn't stay. Or more accurately, they wouldn't be staying! It's good you're having some time apart for now. Hope you're ok.

If I knew then what I know now with regards to my children I would never have stayed after he cheated the first time but I can understand that everyone's circumstances are different

@IdblowJonSnow

Very mixed emotions. One minute I'm fine, the next tears from nowhere.

It just feels such a mess

The worst thing I ever did was forgive a cheater. When he did it again I not only felt that repeated devastation but I felt the stupidest cunt alive for letting it happen again.

I did (I was young and stupid with very low self esteem) all that happened was he cheated again, twice that I know of but probably more

I realise that I’ve taught him that he can behave any way he chooses and I willl put up with it

This ^ with bells on. There is no way on earth I would forgive, not for any reason, ever.

@pearlsofwisdom please don’t settle for this shit of a man. Don’t give up. You sound like you’ve lost your fight and are just going to accept his shit. You deserve to be happy xx

I found out about the infidelity through messages on social media, not being where he says he was etc.

He's upset he got caught. He had no intention of being adult and admitting his deceit. How disrespectful. He's playing at keeping you sweet because he's got a good thing going with you. Sorry, but with no kids in that situation I'd bin him. He's a liar who was happy to keep on lying to you until he was caught out.

I know several women who forgave their husband for cheating and stayed with him. In every single case, he went on to cheat again.

I spent my very young years in an abusive relationship with a cheater, he didn't even really try to hide it and it was awful.
If DH had cheated on me pre kids during a bereaved time, out with his friends and a one night stand maybe I could forgive. An affair, no. Falling prey to idiocy after a lot of drink is one thing, lying to my face knowing he's going to meet another woman is another. The former just takes a night of madness, the latter a knowing deception, hiding things from me, lying to me. Especially if I'd caught him rather than him confessing.

Thanks minionmamma yes you are right, I have lost my fight, I am worn down.

Don’t want to say more as it’s not my thread but thank you for caring.

I tried because I was blinded by my love for him. On the face of it he improved but then I found out he had done it again with someone else. He lost any respect for me for forgiving it and saw it as a license to do it again. Obviously not all cheaters do this.

Oh I've had all the, he regrets every minute of it, feels ashamed, wish he could turn back time etc etc

No, he doesn't. He regrets getting caught. He was prepared to say nothing. Think about that. He wasn't going to tell you he was cheating. He was havign his cake and eating it, too. He lied every time he came home and faced you after being with her. He's putting on an act to keep his feet under your table.

I agree with pp, with no kids I would never try again with a cheater.

I agree with some others. You don't have children so there is no reason to tolerate this betrayal. I'd have him out on his arse.

No I couldn't. He caused me so much emotional damage, I've not been the same since.

How much deception was involved? How much organisation?

It's one thing for him to be upset and to react to unexpected advance from OW. But actively planning (eg meet ups, false stories, driving/travelling to her place, bringing her to your home, paying for stuff, making bookings, multiple texts, taking photos, dressing nicely) and then deceiving you? No excuses.

Think about how much brain activity was actually involved and you might start to think differently.

You thought you loved him, but can you really love and respect someone who could do that to you because he was upset/hollow?

Yes and it did not work out. I couldn't forget. Things would go well for a while and then would blow up. We split up over something much less consequential but I realised as a previous poster said above, he thought i would just put up with anything because I had put up with his cheating.

My partner had a ONS working away and confessed the next day. I forgave him and we were happy again eventually but split up due to other factors. I don't believe he would ever have cheated again. He was a lovely guy who fucked up.

Another ex was out the door the following week because it was an affair and he blamed me.

@PearsOfWisdom

Bless you, say as much as you need to

@FredaNerkk

That's a very good point. I should think about how much brain power he has been using, the lies aren't a slip of the tongue, they are thought through.

The more I think, the more I realise it would never work if we tried again.