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Relationships

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Original poster

My DP's father has just got in touch after 35 years

82 replies

PinkChick · 16/06/2007 19:57

we are tracing family tree but didnt really touch on his dad as he left his mum when he was small, but his sister also doing family spoke to their dads sister who was giving her details from their side then all of a sudden a 'tree appeared in dads name no other info, just seemed like he was saying well here i am..........so..his sister emailed him earlier in week and he has resopnded, showing pics of him and his family, he seems very resepctable, nice man, nice family, well spoken(not at all the picture thier mother painted of him all those years ago, but hey people change)...so now..dp is turned upside down, his sister has done this out of selfish reason, she thought dp was going to contact him(he wasnt) and wanted to get in there first, but now although dp thinks he will meet him, he said she has opend a can of worms as everybodys life will chnage not just hers.
hes fine about his leaving i think but sister is bitter although pretending not to be so dont know how itll pan out....
but at moment i dont know what to do/say????????antone give me any words of advice please?

OP posts:

floo · 16/06/2007 22:08

Don't know quite what to say, it's hard eh. We was at DP's nanna's funeral when we found out that she had a 'secret' son who lived 50 miles away, it was hard knowing that she idolised her kids and we maybe could of helped her find him and given her some time with her son she more than likely adored but had been made to cut of contact by her exhusband. We then got in contact and dp's nanna's 'new' grandchildren were really bitter that the 'old' grandchildren had known her and felt her love and they hadn't. For that reason alone I think if it was me I would incourage your dp to at least think how he would feel if he never saw his father and missed the chance of reconciliation(sp).

chocyholic · 16/06/2007 23:10

Pink chick - similar thing happened to me a few yrs ago, my dad traced me & wrote me a letter. I hadn't seen him for 35 years, since I was 2. I thought he was dead. It worked out really well for me, got a whole load more family (incl a sister!!) that I didn't know of. Still very close. Very emotional time, though, it's as if everything you thought you knew about yourself was wrong. My mum still doesn't speak to me, even though I tried to handle it as well as I could. More complicated that it appears!

Original poster

PinkChick · 17/06/2007 21:54

thanks for your replys...dp is finding it hard right now even though he wont say it!..im giving him some breathing space on subject cos im too excitable..he 'does' want to meet him, but think its quite scary as in what would you call him, how would you greet him, where would you meet..all smaller stuff but scary non the less!..i just dont know how to broach the 'what to do now' scenario???

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkChick · 18/06/2007 19:39

dp's sister has had another email from their father, he has an hereditary heart condition ('his' father died of heart attack age 51) and thier father had stoke 15 years ago(in his 40's)..so now another question his father says dp should get checked as his other son has reg check ups..so what does this entail?..think ill put this in health thread tho?

OP posts:

dmo · 18/06/2007 21:16

dont know chick
my nana had a heart attack at 50 and died
my dad had 4 heart attacks at 50 (still here)
doctors not menioned check ups yet for brothers and me (i'm the eldest at 31)

my mum left us when i was 6, my nana died the other week i didnt go to the funeral as i didnt know my nana (mums mum) but my brothers did (they didnt know her eirther) brother said he was in a room of stangers (all aunts, uncles, cousins) he would have walked past them in the street
i think that is sad

floo · 18/06/2007 22:26

My dad had a heart attack at 48 and my mums twin had one at 39, I have a cholesteral test once a year and the doc does my blood pressure when I go to see him (again about once a year) that was what MY doc said I would need, but then again my dads was because (and I am loath to say this) his was self inflicted .. bad diet and very little exercise.

Original poster

PinkChick · 19/06/2007 08:24

thanks for your experiences girls, although im sure very sad for you both, so thankyou..dp is going to look himself today on internet to find out what it entails, ill give him a couple of days then tell him to make doc app..he apologised for calling me interfering like his sis, i think its all too much to get his head around tbh, he said one min hes happily getting on with things next min his father wants to meet him who he hasnt seen since he was a baby and he may die young..hes upside down at minute, i just wish i could help

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkChick · 19/06/2007 15:13

Oh my god!, dp has just rang me, he's wrote his father a letter and wants us to email it along with photos toniight!..i feel so proud of him!, its very civil, appraochable and polite asking after his fathers new family, telling him about ours and saying his sister went off her own back which is why its taken af ew days to sink in..we're gunna send it tonight with some pics of us all.

OP posts:

dmo · 19/06/2007 21:50

good i'm gald he is sorting it out

Original poster

PinkChick · 19/06/2007 22:16

ive just sent the email, dp's downstairs, hes been like a bear with a sore head tonight, i am trying to bite my lip with him

OP posts:

wishingfourgotone · 19/06/2007 22:30

dont know what to say other than your being very supportive and understanding!

madamez · 19/06/2007 23:12

Good luck. These things are always a bit alarming. I'm adopted and have never tried to trace any biological relatives but sometimes worry that they will somehow trace me and appear on the doorstep...

Original poster

PinkChick · 20/06/2007 09:24

yes we had a talk in bed last night and i think he said more cos i couldnt ee him..he is nervous, understanably..well just see what happens next..thanks everyone

OP posts:

plowder · 20/06/2007 22:51

Pinkchick, Gosh so much is happening in your DP's life at the moment, it must be so hard for him. Why do you think that he wants to get in touch with his dad, is it for a reconcilliation, questions about his health or because he feels obligied too. Lets face it his sister who has every right to get in contact with her dad has put him in rather a tight spot. I just keep thinking about your DP, he must be so scared about what he could find out. My heart goes out to you hun, you are sure going to half to bite your tongue.

Upsadaisy · 20/06/2007 23:01

Just read your thread and wow! for your dp. He must feeling a multitude of emotions.
The only advice I have is to just go with the flow with him. He may be up and down like a yoyo. These things take time.

My dad raised me from a baby, I met my mum at 17. I found my gran who put us in touch. We wrote to each other for a while until I felt I was comfortable with that and ready to meet. My mind changed constantly and my emotions were all over as it brought up things about my dads family. All I can say that with time a relationship can be built or maybe not (were not close birthdays christmas etc but thats ok) and the emotions will settle.

Original poster

PinkChick · 21/06/2007 08:29

hiya guys, yes he is all over place at minute bless him, i am biting my tongue but because i know hes in turmoil not cos i want to snap at him, im giving him abuffer zone of snappyness at the minute

he said recently he would like to look him in the eye, see what he looked like and when i asked what he would ask he he said nothing, i dont know what i would ask him?, next thing his sister has jumped in incase shes not to be seen as the golden child and made contact expecting dp to be oevr the moon!
she said she doesnt want to delve into past, nbut now, dp has said that he doesnt want to have a go, but hed like to know his story about why he left, his mother is a vindictive old cow so im sure that had something to do with it!
i dont think he wants a father, but then again, even he doesnt know what he wants at minute?, i think 35 years is too big a bridge to mend, but i would love it if he could be 'friends' with him..looking at the pictur now and i ddint see it at first, dp and his dad have same scrunched up eyes smile, same bum fluff hair on back and same receding hairlline, his grandaughter from his other son looks a lot like my d, but weve always said dd looks nothing like me and more like dp so just go's to show...just waiting for him to flaming reply now!

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkChick · 22/06/2007 10:34

..we emailed him wed night(late on) but havent had anythingback yet??..i did tell dp not to expect reply straight away as his sister said he was starting new job and think he was on lates/nights???but am so that he hasnt answerd dp back yet

OP posts:

plowder · 22/06/2007 23:15

Pinkchick your DP's Dad might just feel as overwhelmed as your DP or maybe your SIL gave you the wrong email address on purpose. Give it until next Friday that should be long enough I hope. Best wishes to you and yours esp your DH. These are very tongue bitting times for you eh!

Original poster

PinkChick · 23/06/2007 19:39

hya, thanks for that.
but the email address is attatched to the forwarded email from him?
we have spoke about it today and i have rang his sister to ask(not letting her know he has tried to make contact)if shes heard anything else from him, which she hasnt??
i said i was ad he hadnt come back yet and dp said he was too but didnt like to say..so he's asked me to email him through genes reunited tonight to say we sent message bt it(and it really did) kept getting bounced back as there were too many photos with it(only 5 but our computer is aged)

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkChick · 23/06/2007 20:06

!, now we're not going to send a message through genes, we are waiting!!!..see what i mean about up and down!..tbh, looking back at my posts, we only emailed him tuesday night late on, its only sat now..might be making himn excuses, but if he started new job, this week, he may not have put computer on yet??oh shit i dont know i just want him to reply so dp can feel he wasnt rejected by him again..he sounded so keen in email to his sis regarding meeting them all
we've orderd two pizza hut pizzas as comfort food!

OP posts:

babyblue2 · 23/06/2007 20:21

DH has recently met up with his dad 30 years after he walked out. Its something he chose to do after he had heard he was in hospital with a potentially life threatening problem. He visited, felt nothing really, still keeps in touch every few months. DH's brother has not contacted him and isn't going to and their father respects this. Just because your DP's sister has contacted him (which is her choice) doesn't mean your DP has to.

babyblue2 · 23/06/2007 20:21

Original poster

PinkChick · 24/06/2007 20:03

yeah i know but dp did want to meet him, but not under someone elses steam, in his own time!..well he replied but it was very curt and short not even a from dad or xxx, just regards!..it said he did get mesage although took a while to download, he has lots to say, will be back soon..thats it..dp is gutted his first contact was so unimporant and unattached

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkChick · 25/06/2007 10:23

no message]sad
, thought hed have taken half an hour oout last night to send him a proper message..dp it absolutely gutted and he now hates his sister for putting hiim in this position!

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 25/06/2007 10:25

He shouldn't hate his sister

Talk about shooting the messenger!

It is his dad who hasn't got back in touch, nothing to do with the sister.

Is he sure he has the right email address?

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