My DP's father has just got in touch after 35 years

[PinkChick]

we are tracing family tree but didnt really touch on his dad as he left his mum when he was small, but his sister also doing family spoke to their dads sister who was giving her details from their side then all of a sudden a 'tree appeared in dads name no other info, just seemed like he was saying well here i am..........so..his sister emailed him earlier in week and he has resopnded, showing pics of him and his family, he seems very resepctable, nice man, nice family, well spoken(not at all the picture thier mother painted of him all those years ago, but hey people change)...so now..dp is turned upside down, his sister has done this out of selfish reason, she thought dp was going to contact him(he wasnt) and wanted to get in there first, but now although dp thinks he will meet him, he said she has opend a can of worms as everybodys life will chnage not just hers.
hes fine about his leaving i think but sister is bitter although pretending not to be so dont know how itll pan out....
but at moment i dont know what to do/say????????antone give me any words of advice please?

this gets more and more strabge?..rang dp's sister last night, told her dp had contacted their father and she said that she sent father and email on 18th and she hasnt heard anything back from him????...she said she will not contact himagain now and i said nor will dp, BUT then downstairs dp said its not cut and dried, he may or may not email him again as he had got thinking about wether father WAS waiting for response?..i was trying to talk him into it and say in this email hope everythings ok, im wondering if you have found all this a bit too much as it wasa shcok for me(dp) too, so i understand if you want to step back?...i got my head bit of cos "its not me"(when i said i wouild do it)..dp says he understands how i feel excited about meeting hime and doesnt blame me as he would be the same, but i dont have the emotional side(which is only what i have been sayingto him for last few weeks word for word[ssmile])..so we'll just have to wait and see?..dp 'likes' to think something may have happend to rpevent him responding..no internet connection, loss of email address's(puter crashed?) or maybe family have been ill?..sigh..cant do anything more without being shouted at for it being OK for me

Pinkchick, I bet your right either he (dp dad) is under pressure from his other family or he is scared. (have to go, be back after 8)

well tried to talk dp into one alst email tonight, he doesnt see point, but he didnt say no?, i dont know why im wanting him to do it, but i just said i think hed regret not giving him one last email and if he gets nothing back then, then fine, but at least hes tried..so about it all, he was so looking forward to meeting him

This is so hard for both of you. I get the impression that your husband feels so much pressure over this, you know whether your husband sends his dad an email this week or in a month, it will still be contact; although we all know the sooner the better is preferable. What ever happens your DP's experience is going to be different from his sisters because they are different people. I am curious though that your sister in law has not heard from her father since the 18th and your husband sent him an email on the 19th and has not heard from his father since the 25th a week after his sister, whats the betting the shit has hit the fan for your dp's dad at home, the would be first guess, although I suppose it could be computer problems. You poor thing I know that you have to be so patient with your dp and I can appreciate that he is stressed, your tongue must be nearly bit in two.

Try not to put to much pressure on your dp or else you might end up being the bad guy though. By the way sorry for the short email earlier, had to wait until dd had finished her homework and dp had gone to work. Take care

its fine chcik, youve been so much help cos i dont want to speak to anyone in rl about this!..im gunna back of about contacting him again now, ive said what I think and now its up to dp..he said last night that as his sis has sent4 emails to his two(fathers), father might be overwhelmed by her and has took step back, whihc is why hes hesitant to send another incase it is too much, although i dont know why were all treading on egg shells with him, hes not the one to do the forgiving, you walk out on a couple of kids years ago and THEY get in touch with you, lucky bugger i think and should grab the opportunity with both hands!...thanks for following this with me Plowder

I think you are right to take the back seat now. To be honest even if your dp sent his father a new email in reply, there is no gaurentee that you fil will reply, the shit has got to have hit the fan in your fil home doncha think, not unless he is scared of meeting up with your mil again .
Your dp has to do what is right for him, I just want to grab your fil and shake him, nothing would keep me from my kids.

i know its sad to think he hasnt seen them in all this time and reg mil, she is the biggest backstabbing b**ch it the world, so i would understand that!, we dont see her now, dp's descision, shes a real piece of work..ooh better go thiundering, dd will be scared.x

How is everything today Pc?

nothing changed his sis rang and was going on about it and saying she feels rejected again(well it was only gunna go one of two ways wasnt it!) and if dp feels bad he should be MORE GUTTED for her as she made the contact..were both fed up with this now, dp things hes ran a mile cos sis said about dp when she emailed the father that my dp was mre reserved and wanted to think things through were as she liked being the centre of attention!..poor blokes thought what have i done!..still very upset about the 'no response' though and dp is too, more so.

how are you today? we always ttalk about this and i dont know anything on you?

I live in the south east near Dover, but don't ever seem to go to france, I have two kids and an evil git/dh who is making every ones life miserable because he has given up smoking.
DD is 12 and doing really well in the local grammar school, ds is 8 and has cp which has resulted in some educational difficulties

ooh i remember when dp gave up smokinghe also didnt bother telling me he was giving up so i didnt know what the hell was wrong!...sounds lovely where you are, your children will be breaking up in few weeks wont they? so two bored kids and 'stopping smoking ' hubby is gunna be fantastic isnt it, nah, you sound very together and a lovely mum, very helpful and kind

dd said something to me last night which amde me think of dp and his father..we were dropping ym mum off from shopping and i said to her "take it easy tomorrow, you dont want to be poorly if we're shopping in town saturday(she has breathing probs, arthritus and diabetis to name but a few)" i then got into car and said "see you later"...dd said "are we coming back to nanas tonight?", i said no, wed just dropped her off at her house?, she said "so why did you say youll see her later then?, you wont see her for ages now??..and it made me realise, to dp's father "get back to you later", may have meant ill get in touch when ive finished my training in my new job in about 4 weeks time??..ive realisewd particulary myself, i say things like "see you later/after/soon", all the time and its just a turn of phrase?, maybe his dad IS intending to come back to him, BUT when he has time to sit and think about what he wants to write?, i know i would have poured my heart out there and then, but maybe his dad wants time to think about it and get the stress of new job out of the way first???..dont know, but it just made me think when she said this to me last night???

You know when you say 'I would have poured my heart out there and then' Well it struck me that as parents we are conditioned to do what is best for our kids, and maybe by walking away he felt that he was enabling his kids to lead a better life without observing the constant fighting of their parents (I am just guessing that bit, I don't know what would of happened!!) and maybe he is either a) Ashamed of the long absence of contact, b) Trying to protect his new family, or c) Trying to protect himself from the fall out which will occur, because without question at some point he is going to have to answer the WHY question. So yeah we (and I say that because I would of done the same) would of poured our hearts out, but maybe he is not upto it, or maybe he is really busy or doesnt have access to the internet, does he live far away? You know when you think of reasons for non contact we haven't once considered illness, and in your original post you said he had a heart condition, maybe you (on the quiet so dh doesn't know, because there is no point worrying him) could give fil local hospitals a ring.
I live in a really weird area, its a mid size village which is 10 mins from Canterbury 10 mins from the seaside and in the middle of the countryside. Dp works permanant nights and today we went into Canterbury to get ds a metal detector, ds is taking his frist communion on sunday and he wants the Metal detector, a jumper and a set of juggling balls, odd combo! Anyway we went to a pub in c/bury and bumped into an old friend of dp's, they were talking about stopping smoking and ds was telling the fella that he was so moody upon giving up that I was going to leave (not quite that bad, but not far off ) I know he would of fought me through ever court for custody of our kids let along access. Our kids are staying at my mams tonight he has just informed me that its to quiet and he hates it when they are not here. TC pinkchick

aw, first communion, ive just found out my veil from mine and am keeping it for dd in a few years..that is an odd combo of gifts tho!
is your dh really finding it tough?, never smoked so can empathise, but dp(actually just P tonight as hes upset me last night and im not his friend!)gave up about ten years ago after packing in and starting again prevously..took him about 3-4 years to get rid of the 'smokers' cough mind!, butbhope he keeps it up and remembers you arn't his puinch bag(in the verbal sense) in the meantime!
Dp was also working nignts when he stopped as he said he lit one after the other all night.

Not mentioned his dad , well not talking anyway, but d said he doesnt mind winging about his sister and how shes all 'poor me' but he said TBH he 'cant' talk about his father as he really doesnt know WHY he hasnt come back to him and specualting makes things worse, which it does.
i think his sis has already done the hosp ringing round as has she checked deaths in paper!, but like you say ti does make you wonder!
but the other funny thing is, he was working on his family tree yesterday again and when he showed me the new softwear hes using he said something like"so there it shows you my dad's details"!!..he did also say MAM tho and he cant abide her, but thought it strange he said DAD?..anyhoo, i cant do anymore at minute, im sure his sister will have lots to say about it tomorrow?, just wish(as shes so 'i want to be centrew of attention' thats shed bloody email him again!

Your sil sounds a right pita to me , you would do better to stear well of her.

OMG we spent day at sil's yesterday and ...Arrrrrggghhh ..she first told me she was going to wait two more weeks and father would be finished training for new job then so would then email him one last time....later in day when i said she should eb breezt in it and not"why havent you answered", she said what do you mean?,,"i'm not emailing him"????, theyn she went on about how her mother(who physically abused her -according to her, sorry but i know what this is like and her story changes to often!) was far more beautiful than the woman he married as she wears glasses!!!!!, even tho their mum looks like a sharpei!, then she said she has no bad feeling toward even his stepdaughter afterbspending an hour last week saying she hated her as she was given her old bedroom furniture??!!!..but then said wed all had a lucky escape"cos look at the pictures!, i mean who would want to go to xxx(where the pic was took on their holiday-lovely palce, but not for snobs!) and with that lot???.........she is so messed up and its doing my head in!, she is so stuck up and shouldnt be as she doesnt work, her husband earns all the money and pays their huge mortgage, she has her LO looked after all the time while she does...????? and thinks they are below her...arrrgghhhh..we will be staying away for few weeks i think!

Gosh, your sister in law is confused and doesn't know what to do for the best eh, and I get the impression she is scared and very angry too. I can just imagine these two kids (who are obviously not little anymore!!) plucking up courage to contact him and he is scared too. Something has got to give PinkChick but for christsake make sure its not you, Bite your tongue, if you so much as mention this lack of contact in conversation you'll end up being the barsteward. TC PC Saz

Go and buy your husband todays Daily Mirror and get him to read page 29, it is very similar to his story. TC pinkchick.

OOH BOUGHT THAT TODAY FOR MUM, ILL GET HER TO KEEP IT!.TA CHICK[SMILE]..WHAT WAS THE END RESULT?

oh god chick, im in tears over that!(found it on their website!), i just wish it had happend so quickly and happily for dp..still, we dont know whats gunna happen yet, dp may relent and email him once more?..thans for that

Do you ever wish that you could rewind and fast forward bits of your life? I do, I would tell that niave kid of 17 and 22 and 25 so much. I would also like to go the future and see how it ends but then thats what I do in books before I read them lol. If only you could go forward a year or two and see if your 'fil' ever plucked up the courage to get in touch. It would be so nice to know. I suppose this is where the saying 'Whats for you, wont go past you.' becomes relevant. Tc Pinkchick.

i have a very similar outlook Plowder (and i do that with books too )
ive got my hopes pinned on him replying in two weks when we all know his training finishes, but what if he still doesnt?..argh, why did she have to start this massive ball from rolling...at that point tho, may be able to get dp to respond one last time just incase he has lost the address's but we all know we are prob kidding ourselves there

You seem to be very reliant on the mad SIL making the running. Haven't you asked yourselves whether she's said something to her dad that has put him off contacting you? I know you didn't want to seem pushy by emailing him, but it might be necessary to straighten things out.

no, im not wanting to her to do running, dp has already emailed him twice, its just that shes like a dogs doodaa, she always has to be in, dp rang me just now to tell me shes emailed him as shes done something hed suggested he was thinking of doing(diff matter)..she cant help herself and in her own words she "likes to be the centre of attention", thought she would send antoehr email to him.
i DO think she HAS said something to deter dp's father which is what i keep saying to him, but he needs breathing space from me going on about it at minute, think ill work on him emailing in the next two weeks as a breezy courtesy email..she would prob say anything to make her look good and dp bad, so god knows

shes emailed dp about somwthing, not the father