My DP's father has just got in touch after 35 years

[PinkChick]

we are tracing family tree but didnt really touch on his dad as he left his mum when he was small, but his sister also doing family spoke to their dads sister who was giving her details from their side then all of a sudden a 'tree appeared in dads name no other info, just seemed like he was saying well here i am..........so..his sister emailed him earlier in week and he has resopnded, showing pics of him and his family, he seems very resepctable, nice man, nice family, well spoken(not at all the picture thier mother painted of him all those years ago, but hey people change)...so now..dp is turned upside down, his sister has done this out of selfish reason, she thought dp was going to contact him(he wasnt) and wanted to get in there first, but now although dp thinks he will meet him, he said she has opend a can of worms as everybodys life will chnage not just hers.
hes fine about his leaving i think but sister is bitter although pretending not to be so dont know how itll pan out....
but at moment i dont know what to do/say????????antone give me any words of advice please?

weve got a short curt essage back from him, i metioned it earlier

he feeels like this about his sister cos she actually said to us that she contact their father cos she thought dp was going to and wanted to get in there first!..then changed her story to say she only contacted him as she thought dp wanted to get in touch and she thought shed do it for him!
dp had only just started to think about him as his name apeared on our tree(father put it on im assuming as a come and find me if you want to kinda thing)..i think he would have contacted him, but its up to dp to decide when not get steam rollerd into it by her..she can contact him if she wishes, but from the forwarded emails she has sent from him, she has been discussing us seemingly in a negative way(ie: dp'sname, wants nothing to do with you)..so he felt if he ever were to want to meet him, by not acting now would make the eventual contact even harder..shes opend a whol;e can of worms and has now said she prob wont meet him as she hates him! and she thinks they are 'below' her!

You know PinkChick it is very hard for us as loving parents to understand how someone can leave thier kids and not keep in contact or at least try to look for them as soon as the youngest turns 18. I truly think that it takes a hard ass person to do that.
I can't understand how your DP Sis can say such awful things about your DP she really is pushing your DP into a corner isnt she, DP Dad at least knows now that your DP wants some form of contact because your DP emailed him.
Your Sil sounds a right pita and a drama queen is she always like this?
Your Husband needs to take some control now, what about if your DP goes to the Doctor and tells him about finding out the his Dad and Grandad has heart troubles and asking for a physical, also maybe you or your husband could go to your FIL (if thats what you want to call him) local Council Offices and find out any info that he has on his voting regiistration thing, (eek I can't remember what it is called ... but I am sure you know what I mean.) Also maybe you and him could take some time out so that he can relax and not think about this too much. Take care eh.

BTW your sil sounds a horrible snob, fancy saying someone is beneath her.

hi plowder..you have her summed up really!, she can be nice, but basically thinks even we are beneath her sometimes too although she would never say that, she insinuates..their father made a comment about having a pint in one of his emails and she was totally agast!anyway, we know where his fther lives or rather we think we do and drove past last weekend.
we can only find out his reasons for leaving if dp gets to speak to him as theres always two sides to every story, but i know what you mean, i cant understand how anyone could do it either.
dp is angry because he would have made contact in his own time in his own way, now he felt obliged to email him or be seen as ignoring the olive branch kinda thing, but now feels annoyed cos his reply was short, cold to some extent and has heard nothing since..FGS how difficult is it to write a few lines like this!, he had no problem sending messages and pictures to dop's sister?..just so very angry and sad at minute and thats just me, poor dp must feel a million times worse..it was just getting to be good and exciting as dp had finally got his head round it a bit and now nothing!

PinkChick I truly don't know what to say. Maybe its just to quick for DP's dad. Your FIL might be scared you know, a few weeks ago he had no contact with his first borns and now both of them are asking for contact. If he was so week he couldn't either keep in contact when they were kids or at least get in contact when they were 18 then maybe its just either going to fast for him or he has a secret and he is scared of it coming out or he is scared that his kids will want to know why he didn't get in contact earlier. Chin up PC.

i dont know either plowder, i have just got 'hat match' from genes reunited and so has my dp so they must be emailing everyone, so he will get one too, but i cant see how it would just 'slip his mind' to contact dp??..am really sad he is messing dp about like this when his siter got two or more very long nice messages and she hates him??..am sick of checking his emilas now to see if one has come through, the longer he leaves it the harder it is for dp as hes now made the contact but been ignored, inlike his interfering sister

sorry that should have said 'HOT MATCH@, its when genes reunited find someone with your details on their tree.

Oh Pinkchick the poor bugger, with your FIL delaying in responding to your DP's emails is going to make it harder when your DP and his dad finally do meet up. Stop checking the emails you are going to drive your self mad and you need to be strong for your DP. TC

thanks plowder..i did refrain from checking them today and have kept myself busy(only working two days thios week), but just cehcked it now and nothing dont know why i botherd as dp will have checked as soon as her switched pc on..i cant understand why a full seven days later all hes replied was that short unfriendly message followed up by nothing even though he said hell get back later?..later when ? another 35 years..sorry getting strssed over it now..thanks for your support Plowder, ill go and do dp a cuppa tea, hes just pulled most of the downstairs carpet up as we're having flooring laid tomorrow(so antoher busy day meaning i cant check his mail)..feel like were finally getting somewhere one minute as weve been wanting to get stuck into house for a year now, but now the personal stuff is being a pain in the arse!

Good on both of you for taking your mind of things, as soon as I got in from work tonight I checked to see if you had left anything I am getting pissed off with him myself know. Shall we go round and sort him out together.

LOL, this is the first chance ive had to put computer on todaya nd ..no..nothing, 8 days now..itd not just me is it!?..8 days is a stupid amount of time to leave when youve had an email of a son you left 35 years ago?, hes already made the contact himself FGS, so why no further emails to dp..i know i keep repeating myself, but i just dont get it?, dp's sis is the one who hates him, dp was actually going to give him the ebnefit of the doubt.but now look!

This is really hard isnt it, what are you going to do, are you going to email him again or are you going to leave it at this, actually did you reply to his last one, maybe he is old fashioned and will only reply to an email if he is sent one in return. Take care PinkChick.

hmm, well never thought about that? may have left it too long to reply again now?, although his email did say, "got so much to say, will be back later"..and thats it?, so we asumed hed send another message back later that day?

its really stressing me out about him and i cant tell dp as hell bes upset himslef..i dont think that message was something you could respond to really????, think ill have a hard job convincing dp to reply again..itll seem like we're reminding him to reply?

Na, YOU could just send him a line something like :
It was nice to hear from you the other day, we have been really busy lately we have been doing up our downstairs as we have been living here for years. Pinkchick took the kids to * yesterday and they had great fun. Got to go now and pick the kids up from school, we will email again soon, DH and PinkChick. (or Pinkchick and DH)
You need to keep it like you would if you was sending an email to me (for example) we don't know each other but have a vague idea what is going on, therefore you put a pleasantry plus a how are you, then jump straight into vague details of your life. it's worth a try Pinkchick, it is doing you and your Dh no good to carry like this. Think about it eh. Take care. S

i will chick thanks, ill bring it up with dp tonight, ill say we can keep it breezy and prey on the fact he may have been expecting a response???..

I had to go do a clinic tonight, but I have just wondered if your fil lost your email address another reason to email him again.

no chance chick!, he wont do it, he said hes done ittwice now, if he has lost it(which i would like to think IS the reason), then he will have emailed dp'ss ister who will be back home tomorrow so she will then let dp know..hopefully..but who knows as i still think she has said something about dp not wanting to meet???...dp does seem hurt, but its not preying on his mind...im more stressed over it than him!..i just dont like to see the ones i love hurt..so will wait to see if sister calls tomorrow???

Well, as trite as this sounds, it will work out to be how its meant to be, I hope that it does work its self out to how you want it to be pinkchick.

thanks Plowder, just thinking..his ssis back today and she only has my email address so either shell have to ring us for dp's or the father will email me!..oh i sooo hope he had lost the email address!..everything crossed!..havea good day Plowder and thanks for helping

Good luck pinkchick.

Pinkchick

Your partner may want to consider using the Salvation Army as an intermediary. They can be of assistance in such delicate situations.

what would they do then? is it kind of helping to bridge the gap of absence?

The mission of the Family Tracing Service is to restore (or sustain) family relationships, by tracing relatives with whom contact has been lost, either recently or in the distant past.

It may be worth contacting them; they may be able to help.

well we have already found him, know were he lives and who his new family are and they inititally said in email to dp's sister that they were very intetrested in meeting them, but when dp emailed him, we have had as well as nothing back?, so i dont know if they could help as the finding and contact bit has happend, its just wether this guy has now changed his mind?

It all sounds like this contact has been too much too soon so he's backed off. You do not know what pressure he has faced from his current family unit. Hence my suggestion of using an intermediary like the SA now. I hope its not too late.