Would this be cheating to you?

[MissMimba]

I feel stupid and pathetic for even writing such a thread but I feel so worn down by his excuses and minimising I don't even know what to think anymore.

I snooped through his phone and found messages of him texting multiple women asking for sex. He was sending pictures of his dick and just generally acting like someone I don't even know. He doesn't talk to me like that so I was really shocked by what I found. He has a pain condition (as a result of a back problem), which affects him a little sexually but we have sex regularly so his excuse to all this sexting is that "I'm not even up to it am I?" Doesn't make sense. He said it was just escapism, boredom, never intended for any of it to go further. But 2/3 women he was messaging he has slept with before he had met me.

We haven't been together long...he says I've been wanting to break up the whole time but my gut instinct just kept telling me something was off for various different things. From making comments about my weight one time. One time he said "gosh you have some extra tyres there" obviously he said it was all banter and not a put down like I told him it was. I'm fat I know that. But he met me on a BBW dating site, so what does he expect?

But now it feels like I'm being blamed for acting untrusting in the past towards him when in actual fact he was making me FEEL like I should be untrusting if that makes sense?

I don't want to seem like a victim so I'm sorry if I come across that way, but I'm so, so, tired and confused. He also tells me he wasn't happy because "I don't listen" I already suffer with anxiety and depression and today has got me wanting to just curl up in bed and not face the world.

I'd call it cheating.

He's a prick.

Leave him and find someone better.

I'd call it cheating but even if it wasn't considered technically cheating, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who acts the way he does.

He's lied to you, having sexual experiences with other people, putting you down and not even respecting your feelings about what's happening. He has some real problems. I'm sure you deserve better than that.

Does it matter whether you call it cheating or not? It’s totally unacceptable, whatever you call it. However, that doesn’t matter either. ALL that matters is that you aren’t happy, that’s ALL you need to end it with him. Don’t bother arguing or justifying, just say ‘I’m not happy, it’s over’.

You can do it.

There is no watertight rule that says you can only end the relationship if he's cheating.

You can end this relationship because you've had enough of him disrespecting you. Or because you find dick pics abhorrent. Or because you aren't as in love with him as you thought you were.

Any number of reasons. And any one of them would get you free from the clutches of this man, and able to move on with your life.

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they really are, pay attention.

So he'd be fine if you were doing the same? I highly doubt it. My exh did this type of thing it's just seedy and grim, get rid and raise your standards he's vile

If you sent Vagina pics to other men, and messaged other men asking them to fuck you, would you consider yourself 100% faithful and invested in your Boyfriend?

If not, why is it different for him?

And how do you think he would feel, if you'd just fired off some lovely Vag Pics to John and Dave to wank over? Hunky dory, yeah?

Come on, you can't be this silly. He's tied you up in knots hasn't he? You don't even know which way is up.

He says he knows his behaviour is wrong and that "he fucked up" and that he has deleted all of their messages and numbers. And it will never happen again. It's me he loves more than anything. I don't believe a word he says. I've told him I don't trust him one bit.

He said that "our relationship was just turning a corner and if I had looked in about two weeks I wouldn't of found anything so it's a real shame because obviously I wasn't meant to see any of that" (so that makes it OK then?) He was also talking about me to these women and telling them I have insecurity issues and when I said I didn't understand why he would be discussing my insecurity and anxiety with these women on WhatsApp he then said "but you talk about me to your friends" and it was that comment that made me realise it was all completely nonsensical.

I have one best friend, yet he is discussing me with women he has slept with before and apparently looking to sleep with again. I felt violated. I'm very private about my depression and anxiety in real life, because it's a result of multiple historical trauma and well I am quite ashamed of it. In one of the messages he was offering himself to a woman so that she could have a baby, she was looking for a donor. He says he has never met her before and it's all bullshit but I found that one to be the most abhorrent out of the lot. Because why would you get a woman's hopes up like that? I felt really sorry for her.

I then said if I was to forgive him I'd like to have his passwords for Facebook and check his phone whenever and he replied "so I wouldn't be allowed any privacy at all then is that what it would be like ?" And yes I realise i sound pathetic for considering forgiving him before.

I know I need to end it. That's for sure. I just don't feel very strong right now to do it for various reasons. But I will.

It's your choice what to do and whichever you do you're not pathetic. Personally I think ypu can find a better bloke but that's just my opinion.

Whateve lies at the root of your anxiety you shouldn't feel ashamed, if you had a broken wrist or a cold you wouldn't feel ashamed no matter how you came by them, just like physical health, mental health really shouldn't have any stigma.

Don't listen to any of his nonsense, he's sucking the life out of you, get rid and focus on yourself 💐

Get yourself out of there, pkease dont waste any mor of your energy on this lowlife. You are worth so much more, dont let him put you down. If you accept this he will do worse next time and you will accept it then as you will feel youve invested in him already. Just let go and find someone who deservs you

That’s not cheating (in my books) but that doesn’t mean that you have to stay where th him. He sounds a bit tubbish.

Yuck. He has no respect for women. Dump him.

Sounds awful. A good relationship shouldn't mess with your head. Get rid. Life is short and you deserve better.

Run!!!! You deserve much more than that. And it is cheating, he is being intimate with other people, and not exclusive with you. Twat.

Fuck that shit
Ditch the loser
Aren't you worth more than that??

What would you tell your best friend????

I wouldn't describe it as cheating but it's still a binning offence.

It is cheating. Plus he’s so full of bullshit, lies, insults and devious deceit that a decision to stay with him would be self-destructive and, frankly, idiotic.

That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard to leave him but you must and it’s great you recognise that.

Strength, OP 💪🏼

our relationship was just turning a corner and if I had looked in about two weeks I wouldn't of found anything so it's a real shame

Oh christ. This reminds me SO much of an ex partner.
"Well I was going to [take you out for dinner/buy you an expensive present/ask you to marry me/do the washing up/etc] but now you've done X so it's not going to happen, it's your own fault."

He also used it as a parenting technique.
"I was going to [take you to the park/buy you a new toy/let you stay up late/give you a day off school/etc] but now you've ruined it for yourself like you always ruin everything."

Absolutely horrible and insidious technique of control. It's designed to keep you walking on eggshells for fear of missing out on this mythical benefit that he has never had any intention of giving you.

Bin this cunt off sharpish.

He is a nasty person, who is probably still inflicting his nastiness on unfortunate women who have known him in the past.

Get out of him, and block him so he can't continue to harass you.

No single response on this thread will tell you to stick it out with this guy. He will suck you dry of energy and you won’t feel good about yourself. This is already the case and its early days. Get out now and don’t look back.

He's revolting, he tried to cheat, he lied, he knocks your confidence and gossips about you- and when you give him the possibility of a second chance he grumbled about your (reasonable) conditions!

You're always going to be insecure and down with this guy. Put your efforts into getting back on your feet and moving on.

Leave him.

You're worth better x

I can guarantee your anxiety and depression will feel a whole lot better if you ditched this loser.

Don’t make me excuses of ‘can’t do it right now’ as you’ll find yourself several months down the line in the same position even more worn down.
He’s abusing your insecurities because he knows he can get away with it.

Ah so it was your bad timing that caused you to find out he was messaging other women pictures of his penis, offers of sex and even offers to be a sperm donor/father their children - not his weird, utterly shit behaviour.

No matter when you'd checked there'd have been shit like this, but even if you had happened to check some time he was not doing this (unlikely since it sounds like his MO) if wouldn't change the fact he's done it while in a relationship with you, which is completely and utterly unfair, inaplrt and I'd indeed cheating in my book.