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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is he?

55 replies

worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 21:26

I'm a new poster but regular reader and I'd love some advice please.

Married over 10 years, two boys, both work and we have a nice lifestyle. When my youngest was a baby my husband and I split for a while. He was acting strange for a while leading up to it, snapping at us all and not eating. He kept going out more in the evenings and wouldn't come home till late. When I questioned him and told him it wasn't how to behave he got worse. He was anxious and so unhappy. He slept on the sofa for a week, every time I tried to talk to him about it he told me he was going to move to his mums at the weekend.

The weekend came and he went out one night and didn't come home at all. He appeared at 2pm still in his work clothes from the day before and started doing housework! I told him to take the boys out for an hour while I packed his bags.

He took them out, called me while they were gone acting as though everything was fine. When he got back I gave him enough clothes etc for the week and showed him the door. He cried and cried, begged not to go. Said he never wanted to go, he wanted to punish me for nagging him (yes I am a nag but he didn't lift a finger in the house and I was tired of it). I made him go thinking we'd talk about it in a few days.

He's very stubborn and decided that was it, he wasn't coming back. We didn't really talk for the next month or so, he turned up to take the boys out and we managed to be civil. After a while we managed to break down the barrier between us and tried again. He didn't live back with us for another month or so, we took it very slowly and were happier than we'd been in ages when he came back.

So that was all a few years ago. Lots has changed since then, new house, kids less demanding, I'm back at work and we were doing ok. The other day we had a disagreement about something, all very mundane! And he's back to how he was all those years ago, not eating, making excuses to not spend any time with me. He looks dreadful, full of tension and anxiety. I can tell it's all happening again.

So now I'm back to doing everything single handedly while he does what he likes, meets up with old friends, goes to the local pub on his own till closing time. I know if I bring it up it will all blow up again he'll be gone, he does have an enormous amount of stress on at the moment which seems to be the main trigger but I'm the one picking up the pieces and trying to do everything on my own. I don't want to split up with him again, I just want the old him back.

Sorry it's so long! Any advice? Do I leave him be? I don't think there's another woman, I'm sure there wasn't when he behaved like this before. He says he just needs space

OP posts:
Ginger153 · 25/10/2018 21:33

I'm not sure I have any advice but just wanted to say I hear you! I've just split from someone who was warned the last time he did the disappearing act it would be the last time. He's just done it again. He's not a bad person but just can't deal with too much stress.

Decide what you can tolerate. If you're willing to give him some space then that's fine if it's agreed. It's the not talking about what's going on that's the problem. Sending hugs x

RyderWhiteSwan · 25/10/2018 21:36

You're under stress too due to his behaviour - do you wander off and spend hours in the pub leaving him to do everything? No, thought not......Halloween Hmm

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 21:37

You've hit the nail on the head thank you! I thought everyone would immediately say there's another woman, leave him. I don't think there is, he just can't deal with what's going on in his life. I don't think it's going to go away for a while either unfortunately. But I worry about my boys, and the effect a split will have on them. We would have to move house and leave all their friends behind as well as lose their dad on a daily basis

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 21:39

No riderwhiteswan but I might do if I didn't have children in bed needing me! I feel resentment that I can't leave my responsibilities behind yet he can....

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 25/10/2018 21:44

That was my point OP! they are his DC too yet you are default carer while he swans off when he feels like it.

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 21:47

Yes but we're all different, he can't deal with stress. This is what he does, has to be on his own, or be with people who he can pretend everything is fine

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2018 21:51

God he has you well trained. Conditioned now not to expect him to parent or be a partner or he will leave.

What do you actually want? Because he wont go back to how he was for the brief time as that bit was the act. You had to persistently ask him to parent and work in the house. That’s who he is. Is it what you want?

category12 · 25/10/2018 21:55

Pfft. The world has to revolve around his emotions, does it?

It's really up to you how many times you want to ride this merry-go-round. I'd be out.

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 22:00

I don't think it was an act no, it's been years since we've had that problem. This behaviour has been for 3 days I'm just getting anxious as it's happening as before. We had a completely normal conversation earlier, even a joked about a few things so he's not angry at me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2018 23:24

So he gets to fuck off anytime he feels anxious or stressed? Wow, I wish I had thought of that! How amazingly convenient for him! I would throw his shit in bin bags out the front door and send him home to mummy. You're a fool if you put up with this bullshit.

Olderbyaminute · 26/10/2018 00:04

You need to sit and have a very deep examination of what would be best for YOU and HIM. If he truly is having a manic break (undiagnosed bipolar?) then he needs to go to his GP and then a psychiatrist to figure out what must be done. He has to want to change and be better. You need therapy to know how to deal with his behavior and to examine what your life goals truly are.
You need to be looking at your life with a clear lens and not online wringing your hands in distress.
Good luck.

sophiec123 · 26/10/2018 00:18

I agree with the GP comment.. I'm not meaning to pass it off as a medical issue but that's not normal behaviour and it really does sound like he needs some form of anxiety counselling or even medication. He needs to speak to someone regarding his stress and anxiety. I'd probably just sit him down and mention that you can't keep living like this and that you love him but think he needs to speak to a doctor, he may not like it but surely it's worth taking that risk rather than losing his family. Maybe he is missing his old life, you two should maybe set a date day to see friends etc

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 00:24

Thank you both. I had thought told suggesting he sees a doctor, i think it is some kind of breakdown. The not eating really isn't like him, he just physically can't stomach it. He's not behaving like this deliberately

OP posts:
heath1977 · 26/10/2018 01:36

I'd be wondering about drugs tbh - staying up and not eating being huge clues to that

shaftedbythesystem · 26/10/2018 01:51

Sounds like he is trying to condition you into never disagreeing with him. Very manipulative.

Frizzbeol · 26/10/2018 04:32

I second the previous poster's assumption on drugs being involved - sorry OP. Sounds just like my ex's behaviour.

Monty27 · 26/10/2018 04:58

It could be drug induced stress.
It sounds like a cry for help. Albeit a selfish cry. First stop GP.
Over to you.

cakecakecheese · 26/10/2018 07:19

No no no you can't spend your life like this, doing everything yourself, waiting for him to get over whatever is going on with him and not being able to talk to him without the fear of him disappearing for good.

I agree that something could be up with him, depression etc but he needs to get help not pull these stunts all the time.

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 07:26

I haven't spent my life like this. He's done it once before where I kicked him out after a week and has been like it for the last 3 days. I think it's some kind of mental breakdown due to the other stress he's under. I will try and speak to him today about seeing his gp

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 26/10/2018 07:26

If he refuses to seek medical help for his anxiety and stress but continues to abdigate his responsibilities then you seriously need to consider how long you can cope with this. The situation as is will impact your own long term health.

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 07:39

It did before that's why I kicked him out, I was so anxious never knowing if he was coming home that I couldn't sleep or eat. He literally falls apart and can't cope with major events.

Thanks for your replies, it's nice to be able to air it somewhere and hear other people's opinions

OP posts:
toherdoor · 26/10/2018 07:45

A mental breakdown that causes him to spend all his time at the pub? 

Zoflorabore · 26/10/2018 07:50

This sounds like a typical cocaine user sorry op :(

LizzieSiddal · 26/10/2018 08:12

I think you need to make it clear that you’re worried about him. That you know he’s very stressed and he needs help. If he isn’t eating, that’s serious. I’d ask him to go to the Drs or speak to someone like a counsellor.
Say you can’t sit by and watch him like this, he needs to do something.

Adora10 · 26/10/2018 14:11

Wise up OP, a breakdown but yet he can sink pints in the pub for hours and leaves you to all the shit, he's not that bad he can't meet up with old friends; Jesus, he's a prize, and yes, has you well trained now.

Look, you either tell him to ship up or ship out, he's taking the absolute piss and you are so well trained you can't even see the reality of the situation, I'd also guess drugs, classic symptoms of someone who is up and down.

Why should you say you are worried about him, is he worried about you, coping at home doing everywhere whilst he's in the pub with his mates, what a joke.

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