Where is he?

[worriedandannoyed]

I'm a new poster but regular reader and I'd love some advice please.

Married over 10 years, two boys, both work and we have a nice lifestyle. When my youngest was a baby my husband and I split for a while. He was acting strange for a while leading up to it, snapping at us all and not eating. He kept going out more in the evenings and wouldn't come home till late. When I questioned him and told him it wasn't how to behave he got worse. He was anxious and so unhappy. He slept on the sofa for a week, every time I tried to talk to him about it he told me he was going to move to his mums at the weekend.

The weekend came and he went out one night and didn't come home at all. He appeared at 2pm still in his work clothes from the day before and started doing housework! I told him to take the boys out for an hour while I packed his bags.

He took them out, called me while they were gone acting as though everything was fine. When he got back I gave him enough clothes etc for the week and showed him the door. He cried and cried, begged not to go. Said he never wanted to go, he wanted to punish me for nagging him (yes I am a nag but he didn't lift a finger in the house and I was tired of it). I made him go thinking we'd talk about it in a few days.

He's very stubborn and decided that was it, he wasn't coming back. We didn't really talk for the next month or so, he turned up to take the boys out and we managed to be civil. After a while we managed to break down the barrier between us and tried again. He didn't live back with us for another month or so, we took it very slowly and were happier than we'd been in ages when he came back.

So that was all a few years ago. Lots has changed since then, new house, kids less demanding, I'm back at work and we were doing ok. The other day we had a disagreement about something, all very mundane! And he's back to how he was all those years ago, not eating, making excuses to not spend any time with me. He looks dreadful, full of tension and anxiety. I can tell it's all happening again.

So now I'm back to doing everything single handedly while he does what he likes, meets up with old friends, goes to the local pub on his own till closing time. I know if I bring it up it will all blow up again he'll be gone, he does have an enormous amount of stress on at the moment which seems to be the main trigger but I'm the one picking up the pieces and trying to do everything on my own. I don't want to split up with him again, I just want the old him back.

Sorry it's so long! Any advice? Do I leave him be? I don't think there's another woman, I'm sure there wasn't when he behaved like this before. He says he just needs space

@HappyBumbleBee yes I'm very aware. I suffer with them myself, but mental illness does not absolve anyone of responsibility or abuse. I'm sick and tired of it being bandied about like a reason to excuse bad behaviour.

@penisbeakers as am I and I have complained about it often. However, at the moment IF OP's Hubby is having some kind of breakdown he needs his wife's support now more than ever! Isn't that what marriage is all about? In sickness and in health & all that jazz!
OP has pointed out, this isn't a regular occurrence - it's happened once before, (years?) and now she is recognising the pattern of behaviour and fears its happening again. So rather than statements like kick him out, he's having a tantrum etc some constructive advice would be a better help to her than OP feeling she has to keep defending her husband who she obviously loves very much!

And I have to add - many people suffering with various mental health issues DO NOT have the capacity to take responsibility and seek help.
I've been there - in that terrible dark cocoon feeling that no one can help me, slowly going in on myself, not wanting to talk to my husband or family, that feeling of no one understanding! I want having a tantrum or doing it for attention! Thankfully my gp and my husband, kids and wider family were all there for me and supported me and I will be forever grateful! Only after getting through it and looking back could I see how ill I had become!

OP your husband must know what is acceptable and normal and that this isn't it.
If he says he is not able to meet the bare minimum that is expected of him then he needs to see a dr. The pub is not a treatment and you're not his carer. It's ok to offer support but there is a fine line where it becomes being taken advantage of.
If he refuses to seek help or treatment I would not be picking up the slack.

Yes but we're all different, he can't deal with stress. This is what he does, has to be on his own, or be with people who he can pretend everything is fine

He needs serious help.

So do you, OP, but for different reasons

We are all different but when one partner has a problem and that problem takes precedence over everything else, then something needs to happen- fast

I'd suggest he sees his GP, starts some sort of medication (ads?) and you get some help for the day to day living which you are now having to cope with on your own