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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is he?

55 replies

worriedandannoyed · 25/10/2018 21:26

I'm a new poster but regular reader and I'd love some advice please.

Married over 10 years, two boys, both work and we have a nice lifestyle. When my youngest was a baby my husband and I split for a while. He was acting strange for a while leading up to it, snapping at us all and not eating. He kept going out more in the evenings and wouldn't come home till late. When I questioned him and told him it wasn't how to behave he got worse. He was anxious and so unhappy. He slept on the sofa for a week, every time I tried to talk to him about it he told me he was going to move to his mums at the weekend.

The weekend came and he went out one night and didn't come home at all. He appeared at 2pm still in his work clothes from the day before and started doing housework! I told him to take the boys out for an hour while I packed his bags.

He took them out, called me while they were gone acting as though everything was fine. When he got back I gave him enough clothes etc for the week and showed him the door. He cried and cried, begged not to go. Said he never wanted to go, he wanted to punish me for nagging him (yes I am a nag but he didn't lift a finger in the house and I was tired of it). I made him go thinking we'd talk about it in a few days.

He's very stubborn and decided that was it, he wasn't coming back. We didn't really talk for the next month or so, he turned up to take the boys out and we managed to be civil. After a while we managed to break down the barrier between us and tried again. He didn't live back with us for another month or so, we took it very slowly and were happier than we'd been in ages when he came back.

So that was all a few years ago. Lots has changed since then, new house, kids less demanding, I'm back at work and we were doing ok. The other day we had a disagreement about something, all very mundane! And he's back to how he was all those years ago, not eating, making excuses to not spend any time with me. He looks dreadful, full of tension and anxiety. I can tell it's all happening again.

So now I'm back to doing everything single handedly while he does what he likes, meets up with old friends, goes to the local pub on his own till closing time. I know if I bring it up it will all blow up again he'll be gone, he does have an enormous amount of stress on at the moment which seems to be the main trigger but I'm the one picking up the pieces and trying to do everything on my own. I don't want to split up with him again, I just want the old him back.

Sorry it's so long! Any advice? Do I leave him be? I don't think there's another woman, I'm sure there wasn't when he behaved like this before. He says he just needs space

OP posts:
Adora10 · 26/10/2018 14:13

I know if I bring it up it will all blow up again he'll be gone

How ridiculous, then just let him carry on doing his own thing without a thought for you, if you call that a relationship then good luck.

DevonshireCreamTea · 26/10/2018 14:21

Any chance he is taking coke OP? Reminds me of ex when he was on a come down after a binge.

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 15:12

Drugs definitely not, it's just not him. One night he was in the pub but not drunk, last night he hadn't even had one. I would have smelt it on him.

In the past he's driven round when he's been stressed so I think that's what he's been doing. I'm making plans for the next few evenings to go out so I get a break.

It's not quite as simple as kicking him out, 3 nights of behaving badly in over 10 years of marriage and over 20 years we've been together? It's uncharacteristic, he's not doing drugs, he's not laughing with his mates in the pub. He's having some kind of breakdown.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 26/10/2018 15:59

The same man that punished you for nagging him when u nagged him to behave like a life partner and parent? It’s all about him and his stress and how he gets relief, where do u figure in his life? Maybe ask him that

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 16:53

His stress is pretty immense, not the usual day to day stuff. It's been awful what he's been through

OP posts:
user1483972886 · 26/10/2018 16:58

Why is he stressed?
Dh has has a headinjury so is pretty much permanently stressed but he shouts when he's going crazy he doesn't go down the pub...

user1483972886 · 26/10/2018 16:59

If he has mental health issues he needs to see the GP.

spaghettiforhair · 26/10/2018 17:10

Are you sure it's not drugs? Sounds like cocaine use. All the excuses and blame and no eating etc

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 18:11

No he doesn't do drugs. He's stressed

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/10/2018 19:24

Breakdowns can manifest themselves in various ways. Turning to drink is not exactly an uncommon ‘solution’

TwoDrifters · 26/10/2018 19:46

What would happen if, tomorrow, you got up early whilst he was still in bed, and just went off out for the day?

Abdicated full responsibility just like he does? Uncontactable by phone, just off out having a nice relaxing day by yourself, doing whatever helps you de-stress and unwind…

Would he step up and parent your children?

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 19:49

Of course he would because he'd have to but he works on Saturdays so it's not an option. I am going to plan some stuff for he next few days

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 26/10/2018 19:58

I hear you op, you're concerned he's having some kind of breakdown again. Your marriage on the whole you feel has been good but are worried about recent events. Unlike other posters this isn't a LTB situation and 3 days of uncharacteristic behaviours doesn't constitute throwing away an otherwise good marriage.
I think you have no other option than to wait and see what transpires, but this time like you say, take some time for yourself. Get out of the house, visit some friends and remove yourself for a bit. Perhaps with maturity he'll analyse his behaviours more this time and recognise he's struggling a bit and take steps to avoid a repeat of last time. If not, come back on here and update us... Wine

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 26/10/2018 20:21

Thank you @Weejo39 fo by our reply you seem to get what I'm saying. I think I'll see what happens over the weekend, we have quite a few plans that he shouldn't be able to wriggle out of. I'm going to bite my tongue and be civil

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 26/10/2018 20:30

I'd be bloody surprised if it wasn't an ow, especially last time. Punishing you for "nagging" him to do normal father/partner things is beyond ridiculous. If it's true, he has some serious emotional and cognitive issues. Either way I wouldn't live with someone who felt it was fine to treat me with such contempt.

MrsAJ27 · 27/10/2018 09:18

@worried you make a lot of excuses for his behaviour. He has responsibilities and shouldn't be checking out because he can't cope with stress.

You need to speak to him and make it clear that he needs to sort himself out.

Put you and the kids first and stop being so accommodating.

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 27/10/2018 09:57

I don't think someone having a mental breakdown can think straight enough to be able to be responsible.

I do appreciate those who've given good advice. I don't see what will happen if I 'allow him to treat me like this' for another day or two. We'll see how it pans out over the weekend

OP posts:
user1483644229 · 27/10/2018 15:01

I suspect a mental health issue like depression. He may need some help.

Weejo39 · 28/10/2018 06:31

Hi worried, how's he been over the weekend, rising to the occasion or still disengageing?

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 31/10/2018 01:20

So the weekend was fine, we had loads of plans around the boys/other family that he came along to. We've not had much chance to talk properly due to kids and other stuff, I was waiting for the right moment.

Until today, he said he had to work late. This isn't unusual, he doesn't finish at a set time every day. He finally got home at 10, was quiet but that could be tiredness so not reading too much into it. But there was something I couldn't put my finger on.

I waited until he went to sleep then sneaked his phone downstairs. Only I have no idea what his passcode is! Have tried a few hacks but none worked so have put it back for now.

OP posts:
HappyBumbleBee · 31/10/2018 01:39

Hi Worried x
Reading your original post and then your updates it sounds to me like he is having some kind of mental breakdown.... Stress is obviously a contributing factor and possibly a trigger - has he ever been diagnosed with anxiety, depression or manic depression?
The last time this happened he obviously didn't want to leave as you said he broke down when you told him to go.
By posting you obviously don't want things to get to that stage again and I completely understand why... He needs help. Can you sit and talk to him? Will he let you give him a hug and tell him you're worried about him?
I know this all sounds very one sided on your part, having to tease the issue out of him into the open but he could actually be suffering with a serious mental health issue here and I strongly recommend speaking to your gp. Either on your own at first or if you can get him to go with you even better.
Don't feel guilty for feeling those stirrings of resentment either, it's perfectly natural - you're a busy mum running around looking after the kids etc and now Hubby too.
I hope things improve for both you and your Hubby x

Original poster
worriedandannoyed · 31/10/2018 01:45

Thank you for replying, it's so nice to know there's someone there in the middle of the night! I did half expect replies saying he's having an affair, leave him. I just don't know.

He's not seemed as stressed the last few days but possibly as I've backed off from him. But I don't think I can go on much longer like this, in limbo.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 31/10/2018 01:53

Whatever he's got going on in his head, it's fucking unfair on you and your kids because he's behaving like a stroppy toddler. It seems like you have a manchild. He an adult and so it's his responsibility to get help for any mental health issues he might have, as well as taking responsibility for his actions. Given that he's done this repeatedly, I'd say he's taking the piss and you would be well rid of him. Don't let him walk over you. Having a mantrum over nothing is ridiculous.

HappyBumbleBee · 31/10/2018 01:59

From everything you have said I would be very surprised if it were an affair. It sounds like he has a very stressful job, could it be something at work that is attributing to his behaviour? I don't know what he does and you don't need to say either. Is there any kind of pattern? We're nearing end of the month etc?
I also forgot to ask - can you speak to any family either yours or his?
Try and keep your head cool and take things as they come, but mind yourself too x Make sure you have a break and talk if you need to. Xx

HappyBumbleBee · 31/10/2018 02:02

seems like you have a manchild. He an adult and so it's his responsibility to get help for any mental health issues he might have, as well as taking responsibility for his actions
Are you for real??? Do you know anything about people suffering from mental health issues?
No wonder is still a taboo subject and people still feel ashamed to talk about mental health or any problems they may be having!

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