I don't know what to do :(

[TerminalVelocity]

I'm supposed to be going out with my boyfriend this weekend to a fancy dress Halloween party. I won't know many people there - him and a few of his mates that's all.

I'm feeling really insecure about it . The expectation is that we will both dress up. He has got his costume sorted, wants me to dress up and he's looking forward to it. I was ok about this until realised what the entertainment is.

There is a beautiful young singer/songwriter performing.

That's something my boyfriend does and he very much admires other people who do it too. I don't normally feel threatened by it and it wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fancy dress element.

The problem is I am nearly 10 years older than him and slightly overweight and she is about 6 years younger than him, slim and very beautiful. And people who've heard her describe her as 'captivating'. I really don't stand a chance

She will look amazing in Halloween fancy dress.

I will not.

I'm really fighting the urge to just not go now. I wouldn't expect him not to go. I cant do anything about him looking at her and thinking she's beautiful and sexy. But I dont want to be in the room at the same time.

The 'problem' is that I have aspergers and if I go when I feel anxious, uncomfortable and insecure like this it's likely to trigger a shutdown. I cant stop a shutdown once it's started and I don't like them. It's best to avoid them in the first place.

But I know he will feel let down if I don't go.

I don't know what to do.

If I felt this insecure.. no way could I muster up the courage to go.. I'm so sorry OP.. hopefully someone will come along to prop your confidence up... it sounds like you need a good confidence boost lovely...

Can’t you explain that with Aspergers you feel like fancy dress and a room full of strangers is overwhelming?
No need to say anything about this other person. BTW if she was that captivating he would be with her instead. He prefers you!

Everyone is more attractive than me! He didn’t choose to be with a middle aged fat bird when we first got together but that’s what I’ve become. My DH could say that there are many men more attractive than him.

Point is it makes no difference to either of us because we are in a happy and committed relationship. If either of us had started to feel like we couldn’t be seen with each other or that or OH might have eyes for others than that’s the quickest way to fuck up a relationship because it changes you from being the happy person your partner originally fell for.

Wolfiefan Not really. He knows and he's autistic too so he gets it. Neither of us dressed up for the last charity 'fancy dress' thing his friend invited us too but he really wants to for this one. It will upset him if I don't.

He wouldn't be with her. He doesn't know her and he doesn't date women who aren't autistic anyway. But it's not really about that. It that wouldn't stop him from falling a little bit in love with her or being attracted to her.

It's hard to explain. Music is a real passion of his. Of both of ours. It's something we do together. But I don't sing and that is what he is particularly attracted to. And add to that being young and beautiful and in a sexy Halloween costume.

I just feel so inadequate. How can I compete with that.

His happiness isn’t your responsibility. If you can’t face it then don’t go. (I hate fancy dress!)
He won’t fall in love because he sees her dressed up.
If he were so attracted to singers then he would be with one. He’s not.

You don’t compete, OP.

There is always going to be someone prettier, slimmer, and more attractive than you. Just like everybody else - there’s a million other people better looking than me with more talent and a firmer body etc. I can either accept that or spend my time worrying about it. Worrying about it isn’t going to change anything.

I can understand how you’re feeling. Personally if I felt how you do, I wouldn’t go. I’d make up a lie and say I’m ill or whatever. Wrong to lie I know, but you’re gunna feel like rubbish if you go anyway.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about your autism? Or your low self esteem? He loves you! He may find her attractive and talented but he loves you!

You don't need to compete with her or anyone!
Your boyfriend isn't the prize and his attention is not a competition. You are his girlfriend and I'm sure he's not looking for a replacement!

I understand what youre saying, Joysmum.

It's not that I think he would want to leave me for her. Or even talk to her and get to know her. He isn't like that. He's out with his friends tonight and he's just messaged to tell me he loves me.

It's me. I feel inadequate.

I think i'm more worried because i know it's likely to trigger a shutdown so I feel in damned if I do and damned if i don't.

I've ignored the warning signs before and shut down. I've tried telling myself it's mind over matter but it isn't. I can't stop it.

So don’t go.
Do you often feel inadequate or lack confidence? That’s more of an issue than this event.

Kennycalmit

i've given up trying to overcome the low self esteem tbh. Years of counselling etc have made little impact. So I just aim to live with it as best I can now.

I'm in a support group for women with aspergers but that's all. I 'manage' it quite well I suppose.

Like I say I wouldnt expect him not to go but I feel that his feelings for me would be diminished for the duration of the time he was 'captivated' by her and so if just rather not be there to experience it.

NotANotMan i know and i agree with that, which is why I wouldn't have a problem with him going without me.

I'm trying to identify exactly what it is I'm anxious about. I don't wear make up and i don't ever intentionally try to make myself attractive so I think some of it is to do with that.

I think it's hard to explain.

Do you often feel inadequate or lack confidence?

Yes. Often.

I think not going is the solution.

Thanks.

If it's really going to cause you anxiety then it may be best not to go. Although Halloween does mean you could wear a mask and a cloak or something so it'd be easy to hide behind that.

Hi OP. I experience shutdowns too as part of my autism, so I do understand where you are coming from. Is it difficult when the social rules are thrown off with fancy dress.

You don't have to dress up if you don't want to. Or you could wear something low key, like spooky hair clips or just dark eye make up. It would be absolutely fine and I'm certain you wouldn't be the only one in minimal fancy dress. That's what I'm doing this year myself.

He would be unreasonable to be annoyed about you not going to this event, or not dressing up.

He may find other women attractive in passing anywhere, at any time. He is dating YOU! You don’t have reason not to trust him.

Djnoun thanks but i dont think that would be enough. They've all hired/bought costumes. They're talking about us all looking really good

Although Halloween does mean you could wear a mask and a cloak or something so it'd be easy to hide behind that.

I've got a cloak - finding the costume as such isn't an issue. But I couldn't wear a mask. Part of the reason I don't wear make up is that I don't like the feeling of something on my face.

He may find other women attractive in passing anywhere, at any time

I know. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I think I'm just going to tell him I'm not going. Thanks All.

Oh, that does sound like a lot of pressure. Sorry, OP.

Would it help to think of her as a "star" the way your boyfriend might have a crush on, say Rita ora or Ellie goulding? Others will disagree but my H "fancying" Jennifer Anniston never bothered me but I hated it when he fancied a real person, colleague it whatever.

But she will be a real person in the room in front of us. And she will be mingling with guests and whilst i find social interaction incredibly difficult and would be haopy to sit in a corner at the back, he's a lot more socially confident - esp when it comes to talking to people about his 'special interest' which is music.

We've had issues before where women have thought he was interested or flirting with them because he's very focused and attentive when he's talking to someone - he makes you feel like your the only person in the room.

One woman spread awful rumours and tried to split us up because she was so convinced he wanted her. He didnt and was utterly confused by the whole thing because he was "just being nice".

I have the opposite - I seem to make people feel uncomfortable and they leave me alone

But give him a very beautiful, younger musician in a sexy halloween costume and I think his attention would be on her. He is only a man after all.

That would be too much for me when I already feel the 'social' difference between us.

*you're - bloody autocorrect

Hi OP
YOUR bf likes you! He wants to date you!
If he wanted anyone else he wouldn’t be with you.
Life is going to be difficult if you can’t trust your bf to be in the same room as an attractive girl.
Take a deep breath and think about how great and strong your relationship is.

Fellow ASD checking in and just wanted to say you’re not alone! I’ve developed a few strategies:

• She may be attractive but so are YOU

• there is enough attraction to go round, you can both be beautiful

• make yourself feel as beautiful as possible, if you do go. Be nice to yourself. Self-compassion

• find one supportive person (counsellor?) and discuss your own features

• sometimes I speak to my partner about it, mostly I terms of my childhood experience (neglect) ad why this situation does not put me in a safe place

Good luck, OP

Life is going to be difficult if you can’t trust your bf to be in the same room as an attractive girl

I do trust him. Like I said, I wouldn't expect him not to go. I'm just not sure I could be in the same room where it was happening without shutting down. He isn't someone who ever gives me cause for concern in that respect but this woman is beautiful.

It's been a while since I had a meltdown because I manage everything so well - the last time, I 'fought' my way out of a social situation (not literally fought but was unable to process people trying to reassure me it was ok - it wasn't even bad - I'd just tried to integrate people from two different social groups and couldn't handle it and had to get away). But I had a shutdown due to social pressures a couple of weekends ago. If that happens he will forget that he's supposed to leave me alone and will fuss around me and that could trigger a meltdown. Which is generally less 'discreet'

Holidaysareover

Thanks. But she is objectively beautiful. I am not.

make yourself feel as beautiful as possible, if you do go.

I think thats the thing. I don't feel comfortable wearing make up or drawing attention to myself; I feel a bit of a fraud trying to make myself look attractive; I will feel ridiculous when, after all that effort, im still not as good as her.

If she were just going to he another guest, it wouldn't bother me. He wouldn't 'notice' her. But the fact she'll intentionally be the focus of everyone's attention means he will be focused on her. And the fact she shares his special interest means he will feel a connection to her.

I think a shut down is likely because I'm sitting here thinking it would be better off if i just ended the relationship.

I know that's ridiculous but it feels like the obvious answer at the moment. In the past I would have just ended it at this point. I'm trying really hard to manage it all

Sometimes it's just so hard.

Thanks for the

Ok. Soon told him about my fears and he said that he didn't care and one as always the most beautiful woman in the room as far as he was convened and that his "eyes and heart" are only for me.

I suppose I can't ask for much else!