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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do :(

60 replies

TerminalVelocity · 25/10/2018 20:36

I'm supposed to be going out with my boyfriend this weekend to a fancy dress Halloween party. I won't know many people there - him and a few of his mates that's all.

I'm feeling really insecure about it Sad. The expectation is that we will both dress up. He has got his costume sorted, wants me to dress up and he's looking forward to it. I was ok about this until realised what the entertainment is.

There is a beautiful young singer/songwriter performing.

That's something my boyfriend does and he very much admires other people who do it too. I don't normally feel threatened by it and it wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fancy dress element.

The problem is I am nearly 10 years older than him and slightly overweight and she is about 6 years younger than him, slim and very beautiful. And people who've heard her describe her as 'captivating'. I really don't stand a chance Sad

She will look amazing in Halloween fancy dress.

I will not.

I'm really fighting the urge to just not go now. I wouldn't expect him not to go. I cant do anything about him looking at her and thinking she's beautiful and sexy. But I dont want to be in the room at the same time.

The 'problem' is that I have aspergers and if I go when I feel anxious, uncomfortable and insecure like this it's likely to trigger a shutdown. I cant stop a shutdown once it's started and I don't like them. It's best to avoid them in the first place.

But I know he will feel let down if I don't go.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 26/10/2018 17:39

One as = I was

OP posts:
Holidaysareover · 26/10/2018 19:27

What a sweetie!
Does that give you confidence to attend?

I can empathise with what you say about just ending the relationship. This is exactly what I do - the emotional aspects get too intense and I want to sabotage. I am working on being less like that, although it’s tough if it’s your stand-to. I do it with everything: work, friendships, hobbies...

Anyway, very well done on a great outcome!

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 26/10/2018 20:14

Gosh just seen how bad the typos/autocorrect was on that last post!

I do it a lot too. It's a 'burning bridges' thing. I'm also trying to get better at it - hence telling him.

He did also then manage to make it all about him but that's autism for you! 😂

But yes. It does make me feel better about going. He said he's also worried about dressing up too and he said we didn't have to go if I don't want to. But I know he's looking forward to it and i don't want to be that sort of person in a relationship.

So we are going. He said we can sit away from everyone else too if it will make me feel better.

That's why I'm with him I guess...

OP posts:
Djnoun · 26/10/2018 21:09

I'm really glad you are going, OP. He sounds like a gem. Lucky you!

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 26/10/2018 21:47

I sometimes wonder why people put themselves through these hideous situations. Dressing in some stupid costume you will probably feel a twat in, meeting people you don't know and probably have little in common with, and at an event where all the blokes will be leering at some young totty singer. Sounds more like torture than a night out. Bizarre. 🤔

Djnoun · 27/10/2018 07:17

Not really helping the OP with her anxiety much there, last PP.

SandysMam · 27/10/2018 07:26

Morning OP, sounds daft but maybe you can both fall a little bit in love with her? Share an admiration for a lovely talented singer and be united in that, rather than fractured by it? My OH and I went to see a pantomime last year, the Snow White in it was unbelievably beautiful and talented. I could never compete in a million years but she was great to watch and we both enjoyed it. When my OH jokingly said “I think I love her”, I said “so do I”!! We had a good laugh and it united rather than divided us. I hope this makes sense, might help make things easier. Good luck for the party.

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 27/10/2018 11:23

SandysMam

Not really. Because of the way my boyfriend is, if he speaks to her and "falls in love" it would be the real deal. Or she would at least become a fixation for him. And he would be interested to the point of excluding everything else. Including me.

Having spoken to him, I think it's more about my insecurities than anything else.

croprotationinthe13thcentury

Because sometimes it's important to push yourself outside your comfort zone. I feel this degree of anxiety all the time. Sometimes it helps to talk and get some perspective - is it 'normal for the circumstances' to worry about it or is it 'autistic' worry.

I feel less anxious about performing on stage than I do at an unexpected knock at the door. So if I let myself be put off because I felt anxious, i'd never do anything.

Now I've spoken to him he is aware so we can find a quite space with the people we both know and he said we can leave if I feel uncomfortable. Having an 'exit plan' makes it easier to deal with and means that, if it is enjoyable, neither of us will miss out.

But yesterday, I couldn't think clearly about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 27/10/2018 11:27

*quiet not quite.

OP posts:
SandysMam · 27/10/2018 11:31

I hope you have a fab night. It is lovely you can talk to your boyfriend and he understands how you feel!

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 28/10/2018 13:58

Ok. Tiny update.

He's not mentioned it previously but he has spoken to her about music before - no reason why he would - he talks to a lot of people about music.

We weren't sitting anywhere near, we didn't watch, we couldnt even see from where we were sitting but he mentioned it whilst we were all talking and he commented a few times on how good her voice is and I know he was hoping to speak to her again last night but she was obviously busy and then had gone before he had chance. But he went round the corner a few times to try and get her attention a few times.

He insisted that he only wanted to talk music with her and that I looked beautiful and that he isn't sexually attracted to her so he couldnt see the problem nor the connection between the two things. But at one point I had to tell him to stop talking. Because what he was saying was making everyone feel a little bit awkward. Not because it was bad but because he kept repeating how good he thought she was and how much he admired her. He does that a lot but I think the other blokes thought he was talking about her a little too much in front of me.

No idea what to think.

I believe he thought I looked lovely but what happened is almost exactly what I was worried about happening but he just doesn't see that at all. Except that I didn't witness any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 28/10/2018 15:31

Oh and his proof that he didn't find her sexually attractive was that she had coloured contacts in and her "eyes look weird".

I just don't know how to read this at all.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/10/2018 16:06

He clearly admires this person because of their music. If he did find them attractive surely he wouldn’t be discussing them to you or in front of you.

Joysmum · 28/10/2018 16:19

I was hoping the update was going to be about how you’re working on yourself so you don’t push him away with your jealousy.

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 28/10/2018 16:21

Tbh, I'm happy pushing someone away who makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 28/10/2018 16:37

Op you are way more fixated on this girl than your boyfriend is. To him she is a lovely talented girl. That's it. The world is full of them. I would feel insecure around gorgeous young women now that I am middle aged and plump, but it's just something I have to live with, or I would never leave the house.

Joysmum · 28/10/2018 16:40

Tbh, I'm happy pushing someone away who makes me feel uncomfortable

You’re clutching at straws to try to find reasons to be uncomfortable and unwilling to challenge why you keep on with this behaviour. You will sabotage this relationship as the issue is yours, not his.

Joysmum · 28/10/2018 16:44

Mumsnet loves to point out when men are being inappropriate in any way. Not one response on this thread has suggested he’s doing anything wrong, everyone is trying to help you to see your issue.

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 28/10/2018 17:16

Deadringer

I can't really explain it. I suppose I feel that, if that is what she is to him and I'm not, then it leaves me vulnerable and means I'm not good enough. Not "not good enough" for him but just objectively not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 28/10/2018 17:21

Joysmum

Yes, I can see that.

It's just the first time I've had cause to feel like this about him I suppose and it's rocked the certainty I felt before.

I'm not a jealous person - he's been out with female friends before or gone out with male friends and women have joined them at the table to talk and that doesn't bother me either.

I suppose it's just that I know she ticks some of the boxes that I don't.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 30/10/2018 20:55

I don’t get why you think you need to compete or think you are competing. Just think of her like another human being - give her a chance like I’m sure you would like others to give you a chance. You might actually like her.

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 31/10/2018 07:28

Well it's over and done with now. But I dont really understand the comment about giving her a chance and I might like her.

I haven't said anything negative about her as a person.

The issue isn't her or how much I might like or dislike her.

As for competing. Essentially I'm not good enough so I have to try harder to be as good as other people. If someone else 'ticks boxes' for him that I don't, why on earth would he want me over them?

Why would he choose me over someone 15 years younger who is slim and beautiful? And talented and works in his ideal career? If he is attracted to someone else why be with me in the first place?

These are the things I don't have an answer to.

OP posts:
Djnoun · 31/10/2018 07:39

I understand how it is unsettling when other's behaviour and decisions are inscrutable. But he said he prefers you and I'm certain that's the truth.

Original poster
TerminalVelocity · 31/10/2018 09:20

Yes.

I just don't see how that is possible.

I suppose that's what it comes down to.

OP posts:
Djnoun · 31/10/2018 10:06

I get the same as you when someone behaves in a way I don't understand - I go over and over it in my head trying to puzzle it out. I find generally that some time helps and trying to relax and let my thoughts go.

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