I don't know what to do :(

[TerminalVelocity]

I'm supposed to be going out with my boyfriend this weekend to a fancy dress Halloween party. I won't know many people there - him and a few of his mates that's all.

I'm feeling really insecure about it . The expectation is that we will both dress up. He has got his costume sorted, wants me to dress up and he's looking forward to it. I was ok about this until realised what the entertainment is.

There is a beautiful young singer/songwriter performing.

That's something my boyfriend does and he very much admires other people who do it too. I don't normally feel threatened by it and it wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fancy dress element.

The problem is I am nearly 10 years older than him and slightly overweight and she is about 6 years younger than him, slim and very beautiful. And people who've heard her describe her as 'captivating'. I really don't stand a chance

She will look amazing in Halloween fancy dress.

I will not.

I'm really fighting the urge to just not go now. I wouldn't expect him not to go. I cant do anything about him looking at her and thinking she's beautiful and sexy. But I dont want to be in the room at the same time.

The 'problem' is that I have aspergers and if I go when I feel anxious, uncomfortable and insecure like this it's likely to trigger a shutdown. I cant stop a shutdown once it's started and I don't like them. It's best to avoid them in the first place.

But I know he will feel let down if I don't go.

I don't know what to do.

Good idea thanks.

This is when I usually get into 'burning bridges' mode; end things and shut off from everything for a few weeks.

I can really relate to burning bridges when my insecurities are sparked, and I am not autistic. Relationships can really trigger my insecurities/anxieties in a way that few other things can. It's the trusting someone with the most intimate parts of yourself, and the vulnerability of that, and when you are intelligent/analytical it can be impossible to see past the inherent vulnerability of doing that, and I'm someone that's never wanted to seem 'weak.'

Just wanted to let you know I understand and you are not alone.

Thank you, Yelena.

The analytical thing too - yes definitely.

I suppose it doesn't make sense to me because it's illogical. And it's not just this boyfriend and this woman, it always happens. I usually just end it but i quite like this one.

Using this woman as an example (not that she is the problem!), she is much younger than me; she is slimmer than me and has a much nicer figure than me - and nicer than mine was when i was also slim. She is, objectively, prettier than me. I'm not stupid - I can see that.

She does music - that is one of the things that attracted my boyfriend to me. But she plays professionally - it's her career. So that makes her, objectively, a better musician than me. She sings professionally - that makes her, objectively, a better singer than me. He admires her and he, as I suspected, is a bit enamoured with her. As I expected.

Basically, any box I can tick, she can also tick but better than I do. But then she also ticks the boxes I don't and can't tick. In fact the only box she doesn't tick is the autistic box. But then i don't want someone to settle for me because I'm also autistic. If it was just one or two things where she was measureably better than me, it wouldn't be an issue. But she is objectively better than me in every way.

I was always told growing up that, because of the way I am, no one would want me. And, to be fair, they haven't.

So I can't rationalise it. I can't make it make sense. I can't find a way of framing it to myself that makes me go "ohh, ok then. Fair enough. That makes sense".

It's just not logical.

I wouldn't ever tell him who he could and couldn't talk to - which is why I wouldn't have expected him to stay home if I hadn't gone. But I will stay home next time he wants to see her. He was really disappointed that he didn't get to speak to her this time so he intends to find out when she's playing locally next and try again.

That's not how people choose a partner, OP.

Maybe not.

But it is one reason why men leave their wives for younger women; become fixated on other women and pursue them via social media; have 'wank bank' folders on their computers of young, slim, beautiful women.

If you are going to spend your relationship thinking that of him then it’ll never work out.

Maybe I've misunderstood but I don't think I'd have been impressed with him raving about her and keep going off to try and get her attention. I think he's been quite insensitive considering you told him you felt anxious about it.

OP - He sees things in you that you don't see yourself. You are being your own worst enemy. Like you are trying to sabotage your relationship as you don't feel good enough. If he wanted to be with her, he would but he likes you. Stop struggling so much.

There's always someone younger, slimmer, prettier. In every relationship. He wants to be with you. And in the nicest possible way she's probably not even thought about your boyfriend that way.

I think you know you need to stop fixating on this person and give your relationship a chance. But it does sound like maybe you're not in the right place for a relationship at the moment in terms of your own self esteem.

@TerminalVelocity

Can you think of the reasons you like your bf.

For every one of them I bet you could find someone who is ‘more’ kind or ‘more’ good looking.

Logically speaking you should be off seeking them. But you’re not.