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Original poster

snoring and separate rooms - is this the death knell?

20 replies

millipede · 27/08/2004 09:01

After 10 years of marriage and very little sleep because of DH's snoring, which is so loud it shakes the bed, he has finally moved into the spare room. We still get together for marital shenanigans, but he goes back to his bed and I get to sleep in the king size bed by myself! Bliss! He went to see the consultant about the snoring, who said that it was caused by the floppiest soft palate (??!) he had ever seen and the broken nose dh got whilst playing rugby. Surgery to reset his nose and cauterise the palate was the only option - pretty drastic and no guarantee of success. We've tried pretty much all the over-the-counter remedies, but they haven't helped.
But separate beds after only 10 years? Is that right, or is this the death knell for the marriage? Help!

OP posts:

edam · 27/08/2004 09:05

Been there... dh had the op which really helped. Not a complete cure (although it was for almost a year which was so wonderful we ended up with ds!) but makes it much more bearable.

acnebride · 27/08/2004 09:08

i absolutely don't believe that separate beds are the end. jenny murray of R4 sleeps separately from her husband if that helps! snoring/lack of sleep sounds far more dangerous to happiness to me. but i would actively talk about it every few months at least - ensure dh isn't feeling bad about it. probably requires more initiative on sex life but that can only be a good thing.

best of luck re decision on surgery.

motherinferior · 27/08/2004 09:59

Edam, did it really work? I find regular shouting and bellowing the only route, which is not perhaps the best route to domestic bliss.

Although personally I think if you get a king sized bed to yourself maybe you should stick with it

futurity · 27/08/2004 10:04

I can still hear my DH when he is in the spare room and I have ear plugs on! He never used to snore but we think it started after he put on weight so he is currently trying to sort that out. I have a super king size bed to myself but would rather he was back in it !

edam · 27/08/2004 10:51

MI, I'm convinced he had sleep apnoea although surgeon disagreed. So loud, Iike futurity, I could hear him even though I used earplugs and even when I threw him out to the spare room. Hated the idea of separate beds so always started every night together, but he'd end up chucked out. Last straw was when MIL confessed that's why she and FIL had separate rooms ? I just realised we couldn't go on like this for 40 years. Op removes all the 'throat furniture' as the surgeon so charmingly describes it. Now I need to persuade him to lose weight...

tallulah · 27/08/2004 17:58

Mine snores like a pig too. He lost a lot of weight, which helped, but has now put it back on. Doctor mentioned the op but didn't recommend it & DH wasn't keen (well he wouldn't be- he's not the one being kept awake!).

Mine works nights so he is only with me for 3 nights a week. He's talking about switching to days & it had already crossed my mind that if he does we'll have a problem. We don't have a spare room but I know I can't stand 7 nights a week of disturbed sleep. I don't think people who don't live with this appreciate how awful it is.

To answer your original question, no it needn't be the death knell for the marriage. (I hope not, anyway!)

Lonelymum · 27/08/2004 18:13

I am in exactly the same situation (although we haven't resorted to separate beds yet, except on occasional nights when I was pregnant). Married 10 years and the snoring just gets worse and worse. Dh is supposed to be having an operation in a fortnight's time although it has been cancelled on both sides a number of times and now it looks like he might have to cancel again (work commitments). I could let you know how the op goes and whether it makes a difference although my dh has a build up of scar tissue I think from previous ops as a child.
Hope it isn't the death knell for your marriage, sure it won't be as long as the shenanigans continue and as you say, there are advantages to having a bed to yourself!

joanneg · 27/08/2004 18:16

Just wanted to add that my FIL is a bad snorer and MIL is a light sleeper. They have had different rooms for years and they have been married for about 40 years. They have the happiest marriage of anybody I know, so if you do take that action of sleeping apart it doesnt have to be a bad thing.

notthecod · 27/08/2004 18:21

ear plugs
thats what i do

wilbur · 27/08/2004 19:22

Dh used to be a serious, ground-shaking snorer - started at 10 yrs old apparently and anyone who had shared a house with him couldn't help but be woken by his noise. It was quite something. He also woke himslef and had sleep apnoea. Anyway, turns out he also had a long and floppy (oo er) soft palate and was advised that the laser snoring treatment only worked in 40% of cases. In the end he went drastic (or it was the spare room for him) action - had a huge op to remove the end of his palate and his tonsils as a bonus. He now looks odd when he opens his mouth wide (no uvula) but our marriage is safe and he sleep far far better. Apnoea not totally gone, but much reduced. For a few months after the op his food used to come out his nose .

edam · 27/08/2004 20:41

Sounds like the same op dh had, Wilbur. Not pleasant but necessary! Only problem he has is that he can't control his sneezes any more and they are EXPLOSIVE.
Coddy, some snorers are much more powerful than even industrial-strength ear plugs can handle. Think being inches away from a 747 as it takes off...

However, apparently I have now started snoring myself. Ah, revenge is mine...

Eowyn · 27/08/2004 20:47

We have been in seperate rooms since dd, 4 yrs, just because sleep became so important & he snores every so often... but, we now can't relax in bed together, we give it a try every so often & by 1am he'll be off & I breathe a sigh of relief & spread myself out...
Think if we had room one of those massive beds you get in hotels would help. I worry & hate the idea of never sleeping together again, but don't know what to do about it.

jasper · 27/08/2004 21:17

Nothing wrong with sep rooms.
Is he fat? I once spoke to an ENT surgeon who said slim snorers are a very rare breed!

Slinky · 27/08/2004 21:27

My DH has sleep apneoa quite badly and snores VERY loudly - even the kids moan about him and DS1 is down the other end of the house.

He had his tonsils removed at the ENT Consultants suggestion (they were very large) and it hasn't made a huge improvement. VERY reluctant (both him and me) for him to have any other operations as he had a huge problem with the GA, (they couldn't take him off the oxygen machine for a day as his O2 levels kept dropping).

I wear earplugs which is OK (doesn't block him out though) but as he gets up at 4.30am (leaving at 5am) his alarm wakes me up.

Last night was a particularly bad night for me - both went to bed at 11.30pm (DH had only just got in then), took ages to get off then his mobile (which he has set VERY loud) goes off at 2.30am - frightens living daylights out of me! then I can't get back to sleep. His alarm then goes off at 4.30am, waking me up again.

Slinky · 27/08/2004 21:28

Also DD1 had her tonsils and adenoids removed at 5. She was a terrible snorer and also suffered from sleep apneoa.

blueteddy · 27/08/2004 21:31

Sounds like a good idea 2 me!
My dh snores & it drives me mad. Believe me, if I had a spare room, he would be in it!!

marialuisa · 28/08/2004 19:17

Just the same and without being too graphic it's far from the death knell-rather the opposite!

oxocube · 28/08/2004 19:29

My DH snores and I often end up moving to DDs bed (she has a double) but to me, sleep is a priority and it doesn't seem to have affected the 'physical' side of things!

Davros · 29/08/2004 15:57

My DH snores quite badly. I tried ear plugs but found them uncomfortable, also no good with children. I think it disturbs me more depending on whether I'm going through a sleeping well patch or not. If I can get to sleep before he starts then it seems to be OK, its a lot harder to get to sleep once the freight train has set off! I also think that his snoring has paled somewhat compared to night-time problems from time-to-time with my DS with autism and since having baby last year. I don't think I would ever resort to separate rooms though but agree that sleep deprivation is probably far worse....

Original poster

millipede · 29/08/2004 21:56

Thanks for all the reassurance - it's good to know that I'm not the only one in this position, and that it needn't be 'the end'! I actually don't need earplugs, as I'm partially deaf anyway, but it still sounds like I'm lying next to a jet engine! Still not sure if the noise or the shaking bed is worse! I think we'll carry on with the separate beds and I'll carry on enjoying the you-know-what followed by a good night's sleep - without the guilt.

OP posts:

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