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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really stressed about spending my life alone

72 replies

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 16:47

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just need some support.

Being single never used to bother me. I had a busy life, friends and work and being a mum took up my time. Obviously there were times when it got to me a bit but never for long. I would have said my life was active and fun.

Then within eighteen months it seemed my friends all started settling down and babies came along. Understandably now no one has the time or money to do anything and a lot of the friendships have just drifted as I can never pin anybody down.

I have thought about Meet-up groups but mostly they seem to be different lots of people all the time and it’s hard for me to commit to exactly when I can go to one because of work and changing shifts. I used to do volunteer work but again I didn’t find I was ever working with the same people so never really got to know anybody properly, although I suppose I could try something different.

In any event though I’m not sure that I need an endless round of things to do, if that makes sense. I have an old injury that sometimes flairs up and it’s really difficult when it does as I struggle to do practical things. I just really want to feel like someone has got my back, like I’m a priority to someone and like someone loves me (sounds a bit pathetic I know.)

I don’t know if anybody feels the same. I have been feeling rubbish these last few days and pretty dark and melancholy which isn’t like me normally but I’ve even been thinking thoughts like not wanting to be here at all

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 24/10/2018 18:56

I'm sorry to see you are feeling low pink. In my experience, if you have dark thoughts like this you really should see your GP as soon as you can.

I can't really help with the not-liking-being-single thing, as it's something I've now embraced wholeheartedly having found the long-term relationship thing is really not all it's cracked up to be! I have dogs, do OLD, and work very hard. I do get what you mean about wanting someone to have your back though. We all need this, and it is worth persisting in your search by developing friendships as much as you can.

You mention you are a mum. Does your child have your back or is it still the other way round? (Mine are in their 20s, so I do rely on them for emotional support to some degree.)

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 19:28

Thanks for replying.

I don’t know how long you’ve been like this; I’ve been on my own for twenty years now. I honestly feel exhausted by it.

My children are also twenties but one has moved out and one has special needs.

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 24/10/2018 19:34

I've only been out of the relationship formally for 3 years, but he didn't have my back for a good 12 years before that. My eldest 2 have left home, the youngest will only be at home for a year or so more I would have thought.

Your child with special needs, do you get any help/respite care with them? Do you have family? I would have thought there are people around you in a similar boat re both empty nest and dependent, adult child?

Have you tried online dating?

Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2018 19:54

Without wishing to sound trite, do you think it's something to do with the time of the year that's affected your mood? Winter's on the way, and all that?

Although I suppose to a certain extent we all want what we haven't got. I'm happily settled with dp ( and have been for the last 16 years) but sometimes I hanker after being single again. He's fine, patient, sweet natured, even tempered, works and does his bit around the house... But I'd like to be able to just take off without having to discuss it or agree it with anyone first! DP would be sad, hurt and lonely so I couldn't do it

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 19:55

I haven’t really tried it; I just don’t have the confidence. I think being knocked back would destroy me.

I don’t have any family apart from one brother: my mum died when I was a teenager and my dad died a few years ago. My brother and I get on reasonably well but we don’t have much in common.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 19:56

I don’t know single

I obviously can’t just take off ... I have a job and children and pets it’s a bit of a myth that single people don’t have responsibilities.

What it is is crushingly lonely, to the point where I want to die to be honest. Obviously I won’t do that so I just have to wait.

OP posts:

richdeniro · 24/10/2018 20:01

I would advise against dating apps. I've been using them for the past year or so, they are pretty brutal and unless you have a thick skin it can have quite a knock on your self esteem.

I'm also permanently single really, live alone with most of my friends all settling down so often feel quite lonely. I know what you mean by it feeling crushing though and often wonder if I will be one those people who spends their life alone. Not sure what to suggest - perhaps a course, gym classes or something like that to begin with?

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 20:09

Thanks. The thing is I don’t lack things in my life.

I work full time. I used to volunteer and may go back to it. I go to the gym. I am a member of a couple of groups. These bring me connections with people but it’s always at a superficial level. I want a proper hug and kiss and conversation.

OP posts:

richdeniro · 24/10/2018 20:13

Do you have any friends that might be able to set you up with someone? Perhaps not consider your usual friends but ask a couple of workmates? Or try a less superficial dating site?... although from what I hear and read they aren't really much better if they even exist.

DogDayMorning · 24/10/2018 20:15

I agree with Rich that you need something of a leathery hide for OLD - if you are feeling low I wouldn't advise it. I get the point about seasonal affective disorder as I tend to feel lower when the nights get longer and I don't see the sun, and yes it's hard to get away/be spontaneous when you have pets. My dogs though are my world!

Could you chase up old friends - perhaps they are through the child-rearing years, like you, now? And I really would go see the GP. Could you join a choir? Singing is good for the body and soul, and you meet people too.

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 20:16

Most of my friends are just entering the child rearing stage. I started (very) young - was still at school when I had the first one. I don’t even know that I could call most of them friends any more to be honest.

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 24/10/2018 20:21

Maybe start to at least think about OLD then - check out the dating thread under Relationships (there are lots of funny stories on there, as well as some salutary lessons) - but don't rush in. And do chat to your GP...

bumblebee39 · 24/10/2018 20:21

Can you start dating? Those meet up groups do pay off in the end too X

VixenSixen · 24/10/2018 20:34

I would advise against online dating too because it is unbelievably brutal and requires a lot of mental energy....

The other thing you could consider (when you feel ready to) is joining a proper dating agency to find someone who is serious about having a relationship.....

First and foremost though I would definitely give your GP a call tomorrow and speak to them about how you are feeling, it really sounds like you could do with some support too as you have someone you are caring for at home.

I don't know your situation but just wondered if you get any respite?...... Getting in touch with your GP might get you some help with that as well.

I do hope you get some support and help, please keep reaching out here and talking though whilst you are waiting for some help from your GP

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 20:37

Thank you. I did see my Gp a couple of months ago and I was prescribed meds to help with anxiety and depression but I hated how they made me feel so I stopped taking them.

OP posts:

RhubarbTea · 24/10/2018 20:58

Have you tried some natural alternatives like 5htp? I always feel worse at this time of year. Has there been any change like an older child leaving home recently which has precipitated this? Meetup can be worthwhile if you find a group centred around something you really like so that going is always a pleasure, no matter who is there.

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 21:00

Thanks, I’ll look again into meet-up.

I don’t think I’m depressed, I’m just so weary of everything. Tired of being alone all the time. Tired of everything falling on me. I just want it to end.

OP posts:

VixenSixen · 24/10/2018 21:01

I have had both meds for depression and anxiety and sometimes it can be tricky to find the right combination but it is worth going back and seeing if they can find something that is suitable for you.....

What area do you live in? I just wondered if there were any initiatives in your area to get you some support. I work in Public Health and could probably help signpost you somewhere to get you some practical support x

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 21:05

What sort of support do you mean (sorry if I sound suspicious!)

OP posts:

VixenSixen · 24/10/2018 21:11

I mean like getting support in terms of someone to talk to - seeing if there are any groups available locally to join. Some way of helping to build up networks and things like that......

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 21:18

Thank you so much but I don’t think that’s what I need really. Thank you though.

OP posts:

VixenSixen · 24/10/2018 21:20

No problem 🌈 xxx

Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2018 21:21

I've mentioned this on another thread, but when I was in my 30s I joined a Divorced and Separated club. They did coffee evenings twice a week and disco's on Saturdays. Everyone was in the same boat, looking for friends (and maybe more). Is there something like that near you?

Ballroom · 24/10/2018 21:31

How old are you op? If you don't mind me asking

Original poster

pinkbobbles · 24/10/2018 21:32

I am 38

OP posts:

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