Really stressed about spending my life alone

[pinkbobbles]

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just need some support.

Being single never used to bother me. I had a busy life, friends and work and being a mum took up my time. Obviously there were times when it got to me a bit but never for long. I would have said my life was active and fun.

Then within eighteen months it seemed my friends all started settling down and babies came along. Understandably now no one has the time or money to do anything and a lot of the friendships have just drifted as I can never pin anybody down.

I have thought about Meet-up groups but mostly they seem to be different lots of people all the time and it’s hard for me to commit to exactly when I can go to one because of work and changing shifts. I used to do volunteer work but again I didn’t find I was ever working with the same people so never really got to know anybody properly, although I suppose I could try something different.

In any event though I’m not sure that I need an endless round of things to do, if that makes sense. I have an old injury that sometimes flairs up and it’s really difficult when it does as I struggle to do practical things. I just really want to feel like someone has got my back, like I’m a priority to someone and like someone loves me (sounds a bit pathetic I know.)

I don’t know if anybody feels the same. I have been feeling rubbish these last few days and pretty dark and melancholy which isn’t like me normally but I’ve even been thinking thoughts like not wanting to be here at all

I honestly don’t think anyone would be interested in me

I think you'd be surprised. You're obviously a decent person that a man would be lucky to have. Your posts show you're kind and loving and thoughtful, who wouldn't want a partner like that?

No, you aren't being a pain. I agree with bloody, it sounds like there's lots there for someone to appreciate 🙂.

There’s so many lovely looking women though, with successful careers and stable backgrounds and no kids, especially ones with sen throwing a spanner in the works

I know I am the problem here. It’s my own lack of confidence as I genuinely cannot even begin to conceive anybody would want to have a relationship with me. Interestingly my brother is exactly the same: he has no children and he won’t date even though he is very lonely.

Honestly the right person won't mind that you have kids.

If you and your brother have similar issues maybe your lack of confidence is something that could be unpacked with the help of a counsellor? There are plenty of parents of SEN children in relationships.

@Pinkbobbles - sorry you are going through a lonely time. It is very very hard to keep positive when life seems to turn its back on you like this. And I completely agree with you about the difference between superficial meet ups and real connection.

But the hard truth is - you can only get some new close connections in your life if you keep plugging away at those superficial ones. It took me a long time to realise that most friendships are for a season, not for life. But it's true. If your old friends have moved onto a different stage of their lives, then it's time for you to meet people who are at the same stage as you.

And the other hard truth is that people smell sadness. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take as many steps as you can think of to lift your spirits and your sense of self-worth. All the small things that sound like cliches - if you do all of them, every day, they do make a difference: watch comedies not weepies, pamper yourself physically, get fresh air, journal and meditate and keep going to clubs even if the meet-ups are superficial.

I believe this because I've been in your position twice in my life before and on both occasions it took me many years to sort it out because I got swallowed up with self-pitying depression which keeps you stuck in the vicious cycle of loneliness.

There are two small challenges you can set yourself that can make a massive difference: one is to say 'yes' to every single invitation you get - however boring or unsuitable. The other is to do something new every day -however small - walk a new street, try a new food etc. These two actions take us out of our habitual lives, which is exactly what we need - a chance to get out of the rut.

If I think of the best things that have ever happened to me, in terms of friendships, love and career, they have all been by chance, by a series of unnconnected circumstances that don't sound that promising.

I think around your age range op most people will have dc so I wouldn't worry about that.

There’s so many lovely looking women though

I read it somewhere, on here I think.

Imagine yourself as music. There's endless types of.music in the world, rock, metla, jazz, funk, soul etc.
You play music daily, everywhere you go. The goal of life isn't changing your music so someone hears it, but finding someone that likes the music you're playing to begin with.

You might not think you look lovely like the women you think look lovely, but someone out there will and they'll not hear your music or see your looks if you hide them in doors.

I know onestep and I’m honestly not like this in rl. Really and truly I am not. I smile and I laugh. When someone didn’t know my name at work last week he described me as ‘the lovely blonde woman who made everybody tea’ I’m not s misery guts.

But at the same time I have fallen into a pit and I can’t seem to get myself out of it. It’s true about friends and seasons but that’s why I need something constant as well as seasonal if you like.

I know ballroom and stepparenting is another potentially charged area - I’m not sure. I’d actually love to have another child but I may need to face up to the fact that this may never happen.

hi OP
different situation, but being single never used to bother me either

till recently....my dad got really ill and I just feel I could really do with someone who lives with me and provides support. My friends are trying, but we are Londoners which is a huge pain because everyone is scattered all over and it's a mission just to meet for drinks.

I would def try some local meetups in your shoes, but I understand the feeling of everyone else being busy with their own things and not being anyone's priority.

Thanks

It’s hard to pinpoint when it changed for me but definitely some time in the last three years but gradually.

Also strange as it sounds but now I no longer work antisocial shifts I have more time than ever before which is great but has a downside.

You need to build your self esteem and confidence up. Now your children are a little older I would recommend trying to expand your social circle bit by bit. Try new things, pamper yourself. Your language towards yourself is qutie sad, and it shines through that you have low self esteem. You might want to try speaking with a professional who can help you unravel why you feel this way and what you can do to improve it. It has worked for me. xx

I hate the idea of talking to somebody professionally - I just don’t see how it could help, honestly.

It's not for everyone, but it does help. It helps to have someone to help you get to the bottom of your low self esteem, and to help to pick you up. I did it, as I realised patterns in my life were repeating and I had low self esteem. I didn't want to carry on with the same feelings and so tried it.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/esteem.html more info here on how it can help.

It is daunting, but so is spending the rest of your life feeling like you do.

I don’t know ... heard too many horror stories I think. Plus, it’s costly.

+1 to the therapy suggestion.

I have recently started therapy due to self esteem issues. I was extremely apprehensive about it to begin with as I'm not particularly outgoing or the type of person who easily opens up but now I really look forward to it and in some ways can feel it working. Have a google for therapists who's approach is 'integrative', they will then help begin unpicking things and not have you sitting in silence feeling awkward.

Finding the right counsellor is perhaps the hardest but most do a initial consultation which usually doesn't cost a fortune.

Hello OP

I haven’t been in your exact situation but do have experience of feeling achingly lonely and isolated. In my case I was in my 40s, engulfed by a demanding career, single, hated the small amount of online dating I did, and although I was in touch with old friends we no longer had the old closeness due to lives taking us in different directions. Loneliness is awful and I am glad you have been able to post here for some support.

I will tell you what changed it all for me, virtually overnight. Prompted by a chance conversation I joined a local choir (rediscovering singing, which I was good at when young and then had stopped doing when career pressures took hold). It turned out to be hugely sociable too, so now I have a network of local friends who share my love of music but also good food, going out to the cinema/theatre, etc. I am now on the committee and deeply involved in running the choir and its concerts and overseas tours, and along the way have met my now-DP who joined a couple of years after I did.

You come across as lovely in your posts - is there a passion or skill lying dormant which you could rediscover and, along the way, meet new and like-minded people in your area? Sometimes just one thing can help us find our spark again. For my elderly father it was finding an art group, though that wouldn’t have been any good for me as I don’t have an artistic bone in my body!

You’re right and I do need something like that for me. I don’t know what, is the problem I’m not musical and although I like art there isn’t much here for it (I’ve checked in the past.) I need to think ...

The good thing is that you want to change and improve things for yourself, that's the first step.

I do. Still not sure how best to go about that but we’ll see

@pinkbobbles how about amateur dramatics. Don't laugh, it changed my life as a teenager. I was painfully shy, had no friends at school and no social life as I wasn't at all sporty. My dad forced me to join the local am drams. Within weeks I was invited to parties, had a new group of friends and gradually learned to be more self-confident socially. You don't have to act. They always want back stage, technical and front of house crew: wardrobe, make up, props, stage managers, assistant directors and prompters etc. And they are bound to be a friendly lot.

I will look into that - thank you

I second the amateur dramatics or choir thing. There are choirs where you don't need to be 'musical' as such ie reading music etc. You just turn up and sing your heart out. And with am dram there are always backstage roles to play