Really stressed about spending my life alone

[pinkbobbles]

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just need some support.

Being single never used to bother me. I had a busy life, friends and work and being a mum took up my time. Obviously there were times when it got to me a bit but never for long. I would have said my life was active and fun.

Then within eighteen months it seemed my friends all started settling down and babies came along. Understandably now no one has the time or money to do anything and a lot of the friendships have just drifted as I can never pin anybody down.

I have thought about Meet-up groups but mostly they seem to be different lots of people all the time and it’s hard for me to commit to exactly when I can go to one because of work and changing shifts. I used to do volunteer work but again I didn’t find I was ever working with the same people so never really got to know anybody properly, although I suppose I could try something different.

In any event though I’m not sure that I need an endless round of things to do, if that makes sense. I have an old injury that sometimes flairs up and it’s really difficult when it does as I struggle to do practical things. I just really want to feel like someone has got my back, like I’m a priority to someone and like someone loves me (sounds a bit pathetic I know.)

I don’t know if anybody feels the same. I have been feeling rubbish these last few days and pretty dark and melancholy which isn’t like me normally but I’ve even been thinking thoughts like not wanting to be here at all

Ah still quite young. Have you had any offers or dates over the years?
I think take it little by little. Someone will along.

Will come along

None bit rubbish really

Pink

You sound like you want a relationship.. if that is the case, online dating can be okay.

I've been single 18 months or so and in that time I've joined POf and had nice chats and a few dates and I've enjoyed getting to know people. Most have been single mums TBF as I have a child myself.

The best tips for online dating I can give is;

1. honest profile pictures. No filters and none over a month old.
2. be clear what you want in your profile and in your head. If someone doesn't match what you want, dump and move on.
3. tell anyone that you contact or that contacts you that you are in no hurry and will chat via the dating app or WhatsApp until you are sure you want to meet them.
4. any sign of game playing or coloured flags, block, dump, move on. It should be fun not cause angst.

The dating thread in relationship is a good place to look. Most of the posters there have been dating a long time tho and may be slightly jaded by their experiences.

Also...

Online dating app I'd suggest for you would be Bumble.
There it relies on the woman to make the first contact so you shouldn't get tons of messages everyday. :/

Why do you think that is?
I'm just stepping back into the dating world again. I've started making the most of my appearance and try to look my best.
I'm your age. When I'm out and about I get a few head turns and I don't feel worried about finding a date. I think it's just a case meeting someone when out and about really.

I don’t get to be out and about much

Plus, I don’t really get head turns.

Yes but my point is make the most of your appearance it also makes you feel a lot better about yourself too. Out and about could be a walk, supermarket, gym etc

So you haven't been in any sort of relationship since you were 19?

Yes user

That's a long time alone OP.

Is it a confidence thing do you think? Or is it not having the time?

@pinkbobbles No wisdom but I feel the same. Single mum, kids all growing up and leaving home for uni and it looks as if it will be me on my own.... all of my friends are married or with long term partners. I completely understand the loneliness, it's crushing.

pink - I think I get you too. I am in a kind of similar situation in that my family is all dead and my DC are growing up.

I don't think the GP can give you what you need - they can hand out pills and sympathy but maybe what you want is one or two close reliable people who can catch you if you fall.

Is that what you mean?

Thanks.

It is a long, long time alone. It’s confidence. It’s always confidence. I never even dreamed anyone would be interested in me. I suppose I still don’t.

Dr I suppose so ... not sure how to get it though!

It sounds to me like you need to give yourself a bit more credit. If you're working and have been volunteering and going to meet ups I would assume that you have decent people skills. Keep going to these sorts of things and stepping out of your comfort zone a little. You don't want to get to the stage where you feel your confidence issues stop you from leaving the house and trying new things.

You must be good at something on a practical level if you have a job and can volunteer. Admin stuff, organisation, a skill? What about your skills as a parent? Patience? Kindness? Understanding? It sounds like you've put your kids first all of these years, and you're a great mum. Give yourself credit for that.

When I was a single parent and lonely I made an effort to take up a hobby I'd always wanted to do (suba-diving), I joined a nearby church and there myself into volunteering for them and started online dating (POF).

POF worked for me. I met probably 6 or 7 different men before I met my husband. I enjoyed the experience, on the whole. Some men I found attractive but had little in common with, there was a few I found really very interesting and to be lovely people, but no spark, and there was one who wasn't keen on me. I appreciate that everyone isn't my cup of tea, and I was going to meet people that didn't think I was their cup of tea either. It let me chat to people first and sort out the wheat from the chaff as much as possible. I knew not everyone would want to date a single mum, and I didn't want to date someone who wasn't a Christian, so it helped me a lot to kind of filter out anyone I knew wouldn't lead anywhere first. It felt like less of a potluck than just hoping to bump into someone in day to day life who would suit.

Morning pinkbobbles

Your post really resonates with me and you definitely don't sound pathetic. I am also 38 and a single mum.

I've not been single as long as you (about 7 years) but I want to say I absolutely get how you feel. It is bone aching tiring feeling alone. I too have a full life with lots of lovely friends and I have had the odd casual relationship. But the desire to be wanted and find that connection gets stronger as time goes on. I feel like I've totally forgotten how to even be loved and in a relationship.

I've never done OLD /meet ups either as feel too scared but then I think if we don't ever put ourselves out there, then I how we will ever change the situation?

I'm not sure what the long term answer is but just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling how you do

I also think with OLD it helps if you can enjoy the process overall. There will be ups and downs, but you can find a lot of positives. So even if there was no spark you can appreciate that it was lovely to go for a walk that evening and have good conversation, or you didn't have a lot in common but the food at that restaurant was amazing, or you meet someone who you aren't attracted to but he is very knowledgeable and passionate about something you're interested in too, and you enjoy yourself anyway. They won't all be Prince charming, but you can still enjoy it.

Obviously there will be some frogs in there too, but you would hope to get rid of the majority of them at the chatting stage (sending you topless [or bottomless!!!] pics, talking filth, only after one thing). And if you don't you can give them an hour and then make your excuses and block them.

There are some genuinely lovely people out there who are lonely too. It just takes some effort to find them sometimes!

Thanks

Here, I do have good people skills - I do think (hope) most of my problems are led by circumstances rather than me being somehow awkward and reclusive. I am a bit shy but not hugely so and in any case I can master that.

The big problems for me are firstly being massively out of sync with my peers. As I’ve said, at 38, most of my friends have babies and preschool aged children and quite naturally everything revolves around that and them. I’ve been there myself so of course I get that, but the difference being when I was in that stage myself my peers were just on the cusp of starting adult life.

I know some people urge you to wait but quite honestly IME it really isn’t that straightforward, and in any case once you’ve drifted a bit it’s harder and harder to reignite a level of closeness.

The other problem is that in being the lovely, accommodating and understanding friend I’ve made a rod for my own back and it’s just expected that the children join us. I love children; I work with children, but it’s so hard with other people’s because God love them they are hard work! I have loved them; I have cuddled and kissed them and bought toys at Christmas and birthdays, but I have come to realise I’m just a spectator watching my friends parent whenever I see them these days.

I’m also really out of sync because of losing my parents so young - I was 17 when my mum died and 33 when my dad died and it’s difficult to explain how isolated that can make you feel.

I am friends with a small group of women who are amazing and we once had a whole cafe laughing at us laughing but coordinating us is a nightmare. ‘Sue’ has a dh with family in Ireland so they often go there weekends and holidays, ‘mary’ is retired and travels extensively and ‘jo’ has a very elderly and frail mum who takes up a lot of her time. We only ever manage to meet up twice a year - once in the summer and once at Christmas- which is rubbish. It’s possible to have friends who are great but you don’t see much and I think this is what makes all this so hard.

I have made a couple of attempts at online dating but I am beyond rubbish. Although I’m good with being lovely and friendly with people I am hopeless at applying that to a sort of dating context. I also feel really unattractive which doesn’t help.

Sorry that was so long ... I’m really conscious I’m being self pitying but I can’t seem to pull myself up out of it. Believe it or not I normally have quite a sunny disposition but this year has been hard and it’s really brought home to me how I have no one who actually really cares in any real supportive sense.

Oooops in case that came across wrong i meant spend an hour of the date with them and then make an excuse. Not shag them for an hour and then make an excuse!
I don't think that would do anyone's self esteem any favours!

The problem is here it’s hard to explain but having never ever really done it, I can’t even begin to imagine it. I honestly don’t think anyone would be interested in me, I have nothing to offer and I think I would be needy and clingy and probably irritating as hell

I’m probably just a waste of planetary space

I get what you mean with being out of sync. I had my eldest in my teens, so she friends were going to uni and partying I was holding down a F/T job and studying P/T to try to better our prospects. That's why I did like online dating. It took me out of the environment I wasn't "synced" with, and I met other people who were at various stages of things too, and not just constantly partying, which wasn't what I wanted.

Could you ask one of your girl friends (if all of them together takes too much effort) to come shopping with you and help give you an opinion on what suits you and what doesn't. Learn what shape of clothes suits your body shape best, what colours suit you best. Research body shapes online and look at "colour me beautiful" online too. Go to a good hairdresser and ask them what they would recommend. Go to a makeup counter and have your make up dome for free. Buy something if you like it (not if they tango you!). I can go from super-scruff to pretty polished with some flattering clothes and a good lipstick!

Appreciate that you might have saddle bags but your waist is quite small, or you have stretch marks but good boobs/teeth/legs. No one is perfect. Focus on the good.

I know it's scary pink, and I don't want to push you into it. But whether it's OLD on in real life you have plenty to offer people. Companionship, conversation, humour (had the cafe laughing). You don't have any less to offer than anyone else out there. We are all in the same boat.

It’s not exactly like that. I do make an effort - I have my hair done regularly and I wear a bit of makeup - just a bit of concealer and mascara so nothing fancy but I do make that effort. It’s just me. I just don’t feel good enough. I know I’m being a complete pain in the arse here by the way; I’m just trying to be honest as I can’t in rl.