struggling to process some things (TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse)

[kafeundkuchen]

OK- I tried posting on AIBU earlier but I did not come across well. Thread on there has been hidden, and I have started again with different account, different name.

I am in therapy at the moment for a mixture of personality disorder and CPTSD. I am just about coming to accept that I was emotionally and verbally abused by parents (plus witnessing some violence at home) and am struggling to process some issues regarding some "minor" childhood sexual abuse and also an incident which happened in my first year at university, where as a naive girl from a sheltered anbd strict background I got into a "One night stand" with a man who was a bit persisitent and insistent, meaning I have felt a bit violated.

I have been suggested I come on here and chat. I have told my therapist about my childhood and he says I need to stop minimising the abuse that happened back then. I am still in the process of learning how to do that.

I found out tonight through my AIBU post on MN that the "one night stand" may have been a kind of sexual asssault. Am feeling a bit shaken and finding it hard to sleep.

codeandorange I am so sorry you went through that. I would rather die than live with my parents, so I guess I would have put up with the same. My parents are nice as pie to me now, but I still would never move back there. The thought of living with them makes me want to die. and I really mean that. I would set myself on fire if I ever had to go back there. My dad may have changed but I don';t trust that, I just do not trust that a person could change that much. If I moved back he would go back to being nasty again. He is nasty to my sister every time we have a family get together, and still verbally abuses my mum constantly.

Shreiking I keep myself safe from others by avoiding men I don't know, and if I ever have to see my parents I make sure I have a means of escaping from them if things get nasty- eg I carry money with me for taxis if buses aren';t running. I have a small group of friends, mostly female.

The one person I am not always safe from is me- I can do self destructive things if I am not careful to keep myself away from triggering people or things that remind me. I have these self care techniques I use when I feel urges to hurt myself.

It was wrong, just plain wrong and criminal of that abuser to ignore all your refusals of consent to sex.

very ashamed that I misntrpreted an innocent one night stand as somethign abusive.

But you haven’t OP, you were vulnerable and he pestered and pressured you into allowing him into your home and then into sexual contact you didn’t want. That is at the very least abusive and more accurately a criminal offence.

I don’t think you are being ‘hyper vigilant’ to feel violated and traumatised by what happened and I’m a bit concerned that either your therapist isn’t very good or hasn’t explained what they meant properly because it's completely understandable/relevant that you would need to work this event through in therapy.

For context I had very poor boundaries as a teenager/young adult and had a lot of unpleasant sexual experiences, some not dissimilar to what happened to you and I place the blame/responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the men involved, without exception. Yes I was naive and yes I was damaged but that doesn’t excuse the men who refused to respect what boundaries I did have and pushed for more than they knew I was comfortable with, that is never ok.

I can’t actually tell whether what you’re looking for is for people to agree it was ‘innocent’ so you don’t have to deal with the way it affects you or whether you’re looking for validation that it was wrong (on his part) because your therapist (and maybe others) have dismissed it but your feelings about what happened seem totally reasonable and valid to me.

I found this

I went off to look for a thread that you would possibly find helpful. It's for survivors of toxic and dysfunctional families:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Just to echo Shrieking, you will find lots of support on that thread OP

It is completely understandable that it can feel so shocking to have something validated like this and the shock of the enormity of it to hit you like it only just happened.

I too am not sure about the directions of your therapist.

Your parents were wrong to say those things to you, it wasn't your fault and they should have protected you.

The shame is theirs, the abuser, your parents, the one who groped you. This is their shame.

You didn't want any of this and it should never have happened to you, and you will be made very welcome and supported on that thread,

Does your therapist support your view about conflation, or is telling you that

Are you OK OP?

am ok, sory if I caused anyone any worry. Am safe at the moment, just a bit sad and kind of angry.

my therapist tells me I have been abused and validates it, I have not told him about the one night stand thing yet. I did mention to him that sometimes my parents would discipline me in a loving way but because they were sometimes abusive I resnted that, and that is when he told me that because they were sometimes abusive, I probably conflated the times that they weren't with that, and he said he feels am hypervigilant at times.

eg sometimes my dad would tell me how fat and disgusting and ugly I was but at other times I would be twirling round the house asking if were pretty or going round telling everyone I would be a dancer or princess one day and then my dad would gently say "you are pleasant looking but you will never be a princess." and then I would throw hissy fits and cry ands be upset. He was not being abusive then, just honest, yet I would feel as heartbroken as when he was calling me "bitch" or "stupid" or "ugly."

Hiding I don't know whether I want to be told "don't be stupid, you weren't abused, you being silly" or told "you were abused and it's not OK." I realise that must make me sound impossible and a bit crazy/ I think deep inside I believe I DESERVE to be told I am being unreasonable and overreacting because that is what I am used to from my parents and from the inner voice I hear in my head.

You were called bitch/stupid/ugly?!!!

Oh shit

He told you you were fat disgusting and ugly. You must have hated him and been extremely angry inside

Sad and angry makes a lot of sense. I think you are very brave to be so open and honest about your situation and you are blaming yourself for so much that I really don't think you deserve. One thing that survivors are guilty of though is being very hard on themselves, hate themselves, feel stupid, be their own toughest critic, and hurt themselves because they can't cope with the psychological, and emotional pain and fear. It's a result of such fractured disrupted and erratic parenting,but more than that cruel and abusive

He's just awful! How wonderful you were twirling around the house feeling wonderful even if you were saying you were a princess. There's no need to say anything!!! He clearly isn't able to just join in a moment of happiness with you. How shit of him to say that, why shouldn't you have that happy time and keep that and shut out his abusive response to it, that's his life.

He did call me those things when he was in a mood. He did not do it all the time. Sometimes he could be lovely. But I never knew when he would turn. Sometimes it was done because we had done something to make him angry, or he was tired and frustrated, other times it seemd he enjoyed putting us down. Sometimes he would say he was sorry afterwards at other times he would deny he had done anything and accuse us of lying

All abuser s don't do it all the time, sometimes deny they've done it, sometimes say sorry, and can be your friend too.

Nothing you've said convinces me you werent abused.

I blamed my db when we were young for breaking something that I broke. I can still hear his screams. We all lived in fear that would be us, but I was also horribly guilty and responsible for making him go through that, but it still wasn't my fault

but I never knew when he would turn that explains a lot about your fear, and sense of instability emotionally.

I'm sure you know that kids who have horrible things happen to them can easily confuse it with being their fault ergo they are horrible, hate themselves, are evil, nasty, deserve it. That doesn't make it true.

I also think it's very easy to underestimate the damage this kind of disgusting treatment has on a little children growing and needing to be loved in such a cruel and unpredictable environment

It's classic gas-lighting and enough to send you in circles at any age, but when you're still developing.

Oh you poor thing... I'm not up to giving a big reply but I had to tell you that you're not alone my darling. I also have cptsd and I'm still struggling to help my husband and others close to me understand

I wish I had some magic solution but have a big hug 🤗 xxxxxx

Thank you Hippychick78 ans Shrieking It means a lot to me that you listened to me. bless you both

(TW on this post, description of rape)

Let me tell you about my "one night stand" thing that many years later I realised was sexual assault/possibly rape (I'm still unclear if it actually was rape if I'm honest)

Sitting outside flats at uni, drinking. There was weed being smoked too. Met a guy, chatted ask evening, felt we had an amazing connection. He walked me back to my flat, which I thought was charming, and kissed me passionately, which I liked. He then wouldn't leave, and got more and more insistent and almost aggressive with the kissing and groping. I pulled away repeatedly and told him (repeatedly) that I'd had a lovely evening and I wanted him to go home now and I'd see him tomorrow. He just looked confused and started kissing and groping again. This seemed to go on for hours, it was maybe 1/2 hr to 1 hr in reality. I realised I had no idea how to get this man out of my flat. Like the naive 18 year old I was, I didn't want to make a fuss and disturb my housemates or risk messing up this amazing new relationship (!!!). So I said ok let's go to my bed and just sleep. The mauling and kissing continued. After him asking and physically trying for sex and me saying no let's just sleep countless times, I figured the only way to get through this without being raped (!!!) was to say okay. We had sex. It was okay, nothing awful, nothing nice. It happened repeatedly, even though I only had one condom, which, again, I reluctantly agreed to, thinking I'd go to the std/pregnancy clinic the next day (which I did). He left in the morning, I smiled and waved him off. still naively expecting this to be the start of something beautiful. I went to knock on his flat a couple of times but he was "out" and he never came back over to see me. We smiled awkwardly when we passed in the street a few weeks later, strangers who had had a one night stand. I didn't tell my flatmates that I had been coerced. I didn't consider it anything bad or wrong for years. I now understand it was at best coercion, assault and was very nearly rape. I didn't want to sleep with him that night; I chose to, because I felt like I didn't have a choice and I thought that if I didn't he might get violent and then actually rape me

Luckily I've gone on to have healthy, consensual, normal sexual relationships. It sounds like you're Asexual, which is totally valid. Hang on in there until you see your therapist. Xxxx

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