struggling to process some things (TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse)

[kafeundkuchen]

OK- I tried posting on AIBU earlier but I did not come across well. Thread on there has been hidden, and I have started again with different account, different name.

I am in therapy at the moment for a mixture of personality disorder and CPTSD. I am just about coming to accept that I was emotionally and verbally abused by parents (plus witnessing some violence at home) and am struggling to process some issues regarding some "minor" childhood sexual abuse and also an incident which happened in my first year at university, where as a naive girl from a sheltered anbd strict background I got into a "One night stand" with a man who was a bit persisitent and insistent, meaning I have felt a bit violated.

I have been suggested I come on here and chat. I have told my therapist about my childhood and he says I need to stop minimising the abuse that happened back then. I am still in the process of learning how to do that.

I found out tonight through my AIBU post on MN that the "one night stand" may have been a kind of sexual asssault. Am feeling a bit shaken and finding it hard to sleep.

I can assure you, you will not be alone in thinking a one night stand was abuse. Especially if you were very young,

I guess so, Rebecca. I guess, I am wondering how to process the feelings of what happened and the fear I have of relationships generally? Any survivors of sexual abuse on here that could help me out?

I guess I felt violated and traumatised due to my childhood experiences Rebecca. I think because I came to associate aex with abuse, I guess I believe consensual sex to me feels like being assualted again??

Hi kaf

Sorry to hear of your experiences and so disappointing to hear that you've had a bad time on aibu.

It's extremely brave of you to post

why was the thread hidden?

Thanks Shriekingbanshee

I think maybe it is the CPTSD making me rewrite history in my brain,. I have done it before. A s a teenager I was groped and fondled by someone who wouldn't leave me alone and in my mind I conflated it with being sexually abused. Because of what happend in my childhood, I guess. I tend to see innocent behaviours as serious abuse. Therapist says it is a form of hypervigilance.

Candy because I did not want anyoen to know I was posting it about my own situation because I felt ashamed and embaraassed but people got offended so I explained it was a reverse so I asked for it to be taken down?

You have said you went on a one night stand, was that your choice? Or you discovered afterwards that it had been a one-night-stand?

You described it as insistent and persistent, which tells me you felt resistance. In which case it was wrong. Consensual sex is not about being subjected to insistence and persistence no matter what your previous experiences. I mean it should be a checking with each other all the way. I would imagine your face would have been quite a good indicator of how it was being received and then a decent human would not actually feel very aroused by that response, and reasonably so.

ShreikingBanshee I feel a bit ashamed that I posted and very ashamed that I misntrpreted an innocent one night stand as somethign abusive.

I have a therapist appointment on Thursday but seems a long time to wait. I wish there was a thread for people with abusive childhood son here as I had a parent who had NPD traits (narcissism) and I struggle to overcome the legacy of that?

...but being groped and fondled by someone who wouldnt leave me alone as a teen is sexual abuse. Did you you want to be groped and fondled?

Shrieking It wasn't my choice to have sex with this man. I thought if I let him do it to me he would leave me alone. I do not like men, and am not interested in them in that way and I had come out of hospital after a breakdown. I have never been good at setting boundaries...i tried saying no at first but he talked me round.

Due to my childhood I have somehow got it into my head that maybe I was taken advantage of somehow??? because as a child I could not say no to sex- I just had to wait for them to stop.

But what you said did sound like abuse, as others have said on the other thread.

It's completely normal to feel ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it.

When first speaking out it can feel excruciatingly uncomfortable to have let go of that information and its very brave to ask

Shreikingbabe I did not want to be groped and fondled. Never have wanted sex and have no sexual idenbtity or orientation.I do find men attractive and sometimes fall in love but I do not regard myself as straight because I have never desired sex or a relationship. I have always been afraid of men, my father was a Narc who verbally and emotionally terrorised all the women in our family and my grandfather wouldn't keep his hands off me as a little girl.

Shreiking When as a teenager my parents found out about the groping I was screamed at, then laughed at for "being a dramatic attention seeker" type. So even now I doubt my own feelings and experiences. My therapist said I mimimised my own experiences because of my parents being Narcs and being in a religious community where women were expected to obey their husbands and fathers. I was told by my father that he owned me until I got married. I had to actually move into a hosuing assoc flat to escape them by claiming I was a victim of domestic violence. The HA and Council did not check, so on that basis, I was given a free home. I never felt safe before then. I have no regrets about what I did, it was move or kill myself.

shreikingbanshee sorry, not shreikingbabe. Am making a bit of a fool of myself this evening.

What do you think you would do in the future, would you feel able to say no?

As you don't like men, just walking away would be a great option for you until you can feel able to extricate yourself from a risky situation, especially him coercing you

Also technically, I did witness domestic violence against my mum and my sister, who is very vulnerable, so I only half told a lie to the council/HA. I feel no shame over that,. I had to do it.

Oh Kaf all that is so horrible. I wish you hadn't suffered all that, suffered this way as a little girl and through abuse as a teen too.

Shrieking I did not feel I could walk away. Sexual abuse as aq child, even though it was very minor means I freeze when men speak to me in a sexual way. I just freeze.

Even at school the boys made me strip off for them so they could see me naked because they knew a girl like me would not be believed.

I think I would just not speak to a man I did not know now. That is how I deal with it. And it suits me fine. PTSD is very hard to explain to people. But it can make people freeze.

It's a real positive that you can act to protect yourself and clearly you have suffered dv so should absolutely have support to secure your own safe home

I just posted that thread in AIBU because a read a post written by someone on a thread on one night stands and it described how I felt. I have been struggling ever since . I thought I had forgotten it and had blocked it out.

Didn't see your other thread but please go easy on yourself. You know how you feel about what happened and your feelings are valid.

I had an abusive narc father who often assaulted my mum. Police were often called and recommended that I stay elsewhere. I was 15 at the time and had a boyfriend, my parents sent me to stay with him and his family (his parents were allegedly very religious so my mum did not give it a second thought). His parents said they would make up a bed in the spare room but never did. I ended up living in my boyfriend's room feeling very grown up at first but was sexually coerced into many things night after night and had no space of my own at a young age. I would say that I consented to those things (under duress) but didnt have much choice.

I was also hot and kicked regularly by him. His mum knew. It was still better than living with my parents though.

Sexual assault is not black and white and you have every right to feel how you feel.

shreikingbanshee The man I slept with told me I was shaking, I wasn;t aware that I was. I was hoping the drugged out look on my face would be a hint to him. I had only been out of hospital a few weeks and was still going round in a fug of medication.

Codeorange your dad sounds like mine. Wish there was a support group or thread on MN for people with narc or otherwise abusive parents.

How do you think you will be able to keep yourself safe now? Or don't you?