Help fixing my sensitivities/relationship problems

[falaff]

Hi everyone. Sorry this is reeeally long but there's so much I need to get off my chest and I really need some advice.

I have read some really good advice on here and I'm trying to get over a recent breakup. I've posted a few times. I am trying to understand what role I played in the breakup and how to move forward.

In a nutshell, my partner was very insecure and became quite jealous of friendships and interests. I posted about this, which he found and read, and we tried to resolve it. It was a relatively short (10mo) but very intense relationship. We were best friends and he became my entire focus outside of work. I am feeling very hurt and upset as I've had to leave the city and give up my social life - I am now totally alone with no friends as I've had to move back with my parents.

He was often quite blunt and sometimes snarky with me and picked me up on little things, like how I behaved in shops, how I talked to people, how much attention I gave him, and how I responded to his behaviour when he upset me. We had big fights centered about me telling him that I was upset, and then him in return saying that I was too sensitive. If I upset him then he didn't want to hear my reasons and I found that really, really hard (it was always unintentional - I never once tried to upset or hurt him).

He did say that he would try harder and he did get better, but occasional things would slip through, for example, making snidy commets about my obsessive interest in music/bands when I was younger, and my current interest in a musician that he doens't like. This latter one really grated because it's a hangup from his jealous behaviour from earlier. He was also really focussed on how he came across to people, for example, if I got upset on our way to a social event, he would be more concerned with people seeing I had cried and thinking that he was a bad partner than how I was feeling, if you see what I mean. I feel like someone shouldn't have to try to be nice to someone, it should come naturally. It comes naturally to me and I tried very hard to be a good partner.

I just couldn't take the mental anxiety. I broke up with him because I tried to imagine how this behaviour would affect me years down the line and when we are no longer spending all of our time having fun but dealing with houses, kids, money, parents dying, etc.

I often felt like he thought I overreacted and needed a thicker skin, and because he had worked on his insecurities, that it was now my time to fix things. I tried to tell him that I couldn't help how I felt if he said something that upset me and that I couldn't just ignore it. I tried to keep it all in but it didn't work, I just got resentful and it led to us breaking up.

I don't think my partner did any of this consciously, he was just expressing his feelings. He was feeling very insecure, had been cheated on in the past. I could see him struggling a lot and working hard on his problems. And I feel like a hypocrite saying that I am allowed to express my feelings but he isn't.

Sorry I am waffling slightly but I would like to understand if I do need to work harder on my own feelings and how I can work on this. I have always been told that I am a very sensitive person, but I don't know how to change. I feel like I've thrown this relationship away because I can't take criticism. I wish I was more resilient and could let things wash over me and I wish I had a thicker skin. I've had counselling, done self help, tried to ignore it, but it never works - I just feel shit. I completely understand that this is very hard to live with and would like to change it.

I am really, really struggling not to go back to my partner because of all of the good times. I still love him, he was great for me in many ways. I feel very alone and want my life back. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for getting this far :/

Hi I don't often post on this board as there are people much more experienced than me who normally give great advice. Fwiw it doesn't sound like a relationship for you, especially if it's been this hard during the first 10 months! You should still be in the honeymoon phase.

Why on earth did he criticise you so much? Who does he think he is?

Did you move to be with him? Is there no way to move back?

I think you're being too hard on yourself. It sounds like he was all about how things looked rather than how they actually are.

These people who told you that you are sensitive - was that criticism, and if so, did it result in them getting their way?

So you wish you could let some one treating you like shite just wash over you? You really think that a thicker skin would have helped as he rode roughshod over your feelings and tried to control you? Seriously? You are well out of that relationship!

There are very few people in the world who haven't been cheated on, but we don't all use it as an excuse to be insecure, paranoid and controlling twats!

I suggest you stop looking at your 'sensitivity' issues and start looking at your boundaries. You are taking far too much responsibility for his choices. And it was conscious choices on his part! He had problems with how you behaved in shops ffs. That is not normal!! He wasn't working on his insecurities, if he was he would have gotten professional help. He was snide, belittling and placing the responsibilities for HIS actions on you.

You are still listening to his voice in your head.

Go out and find a new, exciting and happy life. Stop looking at the past through rose tinted glasses.

Hi, I think you are really strong for ending it, it would have been so easy to keep going and either tell yourself it would get better or eventually allow his insecurities to make you feel negatively towards yourself and like you can't do better anyway.

Unfortunately I am able to see myself in some of the things you say about your partner and I will not excuse him, but imagine he has some deep rooted insecurities that he needs to work on. My partner (of 7 months) has stuck by me even though I have been jealous of bands, movies, books, work, basically anything that he gets passionate about other than me I take it all as rejection and quite often belittle his interests out of jealousy. It is a side of myself that I hate. We have had open communication and because I have worked on these issues he has stood by me.

So I would say, that if he is able to recognise it is him and tell you his triggers, and if he is prepared to try and work on it then you maybe will consider staying with him. But if not, and if it is effecting your own mental health like you say then I think you have done the right thing. It is not your place to 'fix' him, or make things better for him, if he is not doing anything to make things better for your relationship either.

I would think you are not sensitive at all; abusive people say that as an accusation about those who they are trying to put down. He did far more than just merely criticise you; he systematically tried to break you as a person and human being by making you become a shadow of your former self. This was his intention all along.

It was not you at fault here, it was all his. You are not to blame for his abusive behaviour, this is all on him. Better to be on your own too than to be so badly accompanied as you were. The good times you had were likely really all on his terms and as the relationship progressed became further and fewer in between.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; this needs your serious consideration here. Stop looking at your supposed sensitivity issues and look instead at your own boundaries in relationships. They are way too low and this is also how this man drove a bulldozer into and through your time with him.

Read also about the "sunken costs fallacy" because you seem mired in this as well drrobinhaight.com/2013/02/the-concept-of-sunk-cost-in-relationships/

What Thingsdogetbetter wrote in its entireity. This man also targeted you to abuse as he did and deliberately so as well.

Men like you sadly encountered can take an awful long time to recover from. Do enrol yourself too onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person. Also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; your ex is certainly in those pages.

You have really dodged a bullet here by leaving this man because this was ever going to go one way for you and that is down. Reading this article may also help you:- www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

There are many red flags anyway about this individual that you either did not recognise or choose to ignore and or otherwise minimise.

I think that, when a relationship ends, it is good to go through a period of reflection about how/why it ended and whether things could have been different.

But I also think it's OK to emerge with the answer "we just weren't right for each other".

Maybe he was hyper critical. Maybe you were a bit too sensitive. Maybe it was just the way the two of you interacted that was the problem. Be careful of trying too hard to change yourself, OP. Except in the case of abuse (which it doesn't sound like was an issue here), I think it's sometimes easier to just find someone who is a better fit to begin with rather than laying the blame too heavily on the behaviour either person.

Read posts on here about women who stay with controlling partners.
Google coercive control.

He's already manipulated you into having him as your sole focus.
He said he was insecure - that means you have to change to make sure he's 'secure' by not seeing anyone but him.

It's emotional abuse.

Do not resume any kind of contact with him.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate that it was unacceptable, which is why I broke up. What I don't understand is that

I know that I can be a bit eccentric but I don't really want to change that and I want someone to love me for who I am. What I don't understand is that he says that he loves everything about me, and my sensitivities are partly why he loves me, so why can't he accept that in its entirety? You can't pick and choose aspects of someone's personality and expect them to change the rest.

When we had our first mini breakup, when I left because of the big issues about his insecurities, he said that he had a big think about things and have now fixed himself. He said that I need to give him time and that he will slip up occasionally. But he hasn't had any counselling/outside help apart from a few phone calls to a counsellor. Having had issues myself, I really don't think that it's something that can be fixed in a couple of weeks.

I just feel like it's partially my fault, and I wish things would wash over me. I have had issues in work when people have been abrupt with me, and he says that this shows that I have problems too.

Sorry randomly forgot to erase that sentence :/

I think part of the problem is you seem to believe it’s ok/usual/normal to receive a lot of criticism from people. It isn’t. So you are confused by why you can’t handle it. No one can on a long term daily basis we would all go mad, even the least sensitive person would find it horrible. The thing that you need to work on is weeding out horrible people in your dating stages

I've found it really hard because of all of the good things about him. I thought I could overlook it and try and make myself stronger as a person.

I also thought that I would feel better for leaving but I feel like absolute death. When I broke up with my ex it was a relief. This is the total opposite and it has knocked me for six. I feel so alone :(

But that is not finding someone who loves you for you. You describe a relationship like it’s a course that you go on to learn new skills

If you personally think you could be more resilient to criticism (ignoring this man's manipulative comments), then you could try counselling if that's available to you. And buy books, search the Internet, look for self-help courses and groups for people who want to be more assertive, seek out situations where you can be assertive in a relatively safe environment, all that type of thing. Like you say, it takes a while to learn. And it's an ongoing learning process.

But do it for yourself, to make you feel more in control, and so that you feel happier with yourself. Not to make any man happier with you.

Your boundaries are the problem. You can’t overlook something as fundamental as whether someone is a kind human being because they have good job or like the same music as you
The fundamental values were missing from this relationship and you wanted to overlook them and change into someone who cares less when people are unkind to them? That is what you are saying. It’s so unhealthy

I understand how you feel, but you ended this for the right reasons. He doesn't sound like he was ready for another relationship. You've taken a hard decision if you go back on it now you will lose respect for yourself, as will he.

I know it was unhealthy. He said he loved me so much and just wanted to spend every second together. I just don't get it really. I still feel very anxious, I'm resisting writing things because he might read it, I'm worried about getting back in touch with friends. But I miss him terribly and am just in absolute mounrning over the relationship. I have a really important deadline coming up and can't even focus.

Its not you, its him. He tried and almost totally succeeded in breaking you down. The best thing you did for yourself here was to end this so called relationship entirely.

What was actually good about him?. Good men do not treat their partners at all like you were treated. He targeted you and deliberately so. His actions were deliberate and designed to break you down.

Was your ex also abusive?.

He has really got inside your head, you are still hearing his critical abusive voice. You need to drown that out. No-one could have withstood such an aural battering for any real length of time.

You are you and you are just fine as you are. You do not need to change for anybody else. This man you were with wanted to control you completely and have you in his thrall; such men are truly also master manipulators and you were well and truly suckered in by him.

Your boundaries, problematic as they likely were to start with, have taken a further battering at his hands. You need to work on rebuilding those hence the Freedom Programme. You really do need to do that programme.

Get back in touch with your friends and start writing again. Do not let him keep you a prisoner here within your own mind. Who cares if he reads what you write, chances are he will not do so and even if he did his opinion is worth nothing in any case. It is worth repeating, better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. You were alone really within that relationship as well, he never had your back here and used you to control you.

@falaff if it's any consolation I am in kind of the same boat. I was (probably still am if honest) madly in love with my ex. He cheated but still professed his love for me. Total headfuck.

I knew I had to end it, but it still feels like I physically ache for him. Just got to trust it will pass and be kind to yourself. Also take some solace from the fact these feelings say a lot of good things about who you are.

Thanks. I appreciate what you say in your posts and I will work on things like boundaries. He had some very good qualities and was lovely in many ways. Again I don't think he did any of this deliberately or consciously, it was to try and deal with his own issues. I know that is wrong but I do cringe when people make it out like this is a whole carefully orchestrated plan set out by him. I fundamentally disagree with that, although just because he didn't mean to hurt me doesn't make it right.

He says that I will never find anyone who won't critisize me on occasions and pick me up on things that upset them. I do feel that he is right on some levels and I would like to try and be a stronger person.

I did bite my tongue about a lot of things and tried to hold things in, whereas I felt that he was very quick to point out anything that I did that he didn't agree with/upset him/wasn't how he would have acted.

He said that just like I said I shouldn't change who I am to pander to his insecurities (e.g. not seeing certain male friends) then he shouldn't have to change who he is to pander to my sensitive nature. I don't know who is right really.

We know who's wrong: him!,!

Stop listening to his voice in your head. He wasn't insecure, he was controlling. You being 'sensitive' was you telling him his behaviour was unacceptable. That is not overly sensitive, that is called standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be treated like crap.

Stop listening to his words and start looking at his actions. He said he loved you, but didn't act like it. He said he was working on his insecurities, but actually did nothing but bite his tongue now and again when he felt he'd gone to far too soon and was losing control of you.

I suggest you do The Freedom Programme. It will help you recognise that his actions had nothing to do with you and your over insensitivity and everything to do with his character and his belief that he and his needs and wants was more important than you and yours.

What good qualities did he have? More likely than not he love bombed you from the very beginning with intense and overt declarations of love (itself a red flag you did not see sadly at the time) and made you think that you were really the only woman on this earth for him.

How was he at all lovely?. He was probably "lovely" when he was around others but that is all a part of their overall façade as well. Its how he treated you that matters most of all. You were never put on this planet for him to use you to deal with his myriad of "issues" either. You were his girlfriend, not his therapist (not that he would ever consider therapy anyway because such types are beyond that).
He just wanted a scapegoat for all that and found you. He would have acted the same with any woman unfortunate enough to date him.

Its everyone else's fault except his; such men never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Making excuses for him does you no favours and infact holds you back from properly seeing who he really is. He is your common or garden abusive man who latched onto you deliberately, he is no different from any other abuser. He wanted to blame you for everything in his life, this is precisely what abusive people do. They also want power and control over their victim. His whole point here was to hurt and otherwise punish you.

This man could give a masterclass in manipulation and I maintain his actions were deliberate throughout. You were indeed targeted, he saw some insecurities within you he can and has indeed exploited to the low point you are now in. You can and must dig yourself out of this hole he has partially dug for you. He feels entitled to act like he does and honestly feels he has done nothing wrong here with regards to you. I would also think his relationship history is full of so called evil ex's with he playing the victim of the piece here as well.

Re your comment:-
"He says that I will never find anyone who won't critisize me on occasions and pick me up on things that upset them. I do feel that he is right on some levels and I would like to try and be a stronger person".

He is out and out wrong but how do you feel he is right?. This whole part about "pick me up on things that upset them" is a red flag; you are not responsible for the actions of other people and his responsibility for his supposed upset is his and his alone. You have met many people in your life, how many have actively criticised you like this individual did?. You are fine as you are; he just wanted to break you down. You do not need to be a so called "stronger person" (what does that mean anyway) but you do need higher and more consistently applied boundaries in relationships.

His insecurities involved him controlling you, yes? He wanted you to stop seeing friends.
And your "sensitivity" also involved him controlling you? He could bring that up every time you had a complaint, and you shut up?

This is not about a carefully orchestrated plan, it's about a uniform pattern of behaviour. Sure, he isn't planning it. He just does whatever comes naturally to him as a means of getting you to do what he wants.

You are still buying what he was selling-I mean he was emotionally abusive and controlling and your wounds from him haven’t healed yet. I recommend you block him and if possible contact Women's Aid or a counselor. You need to learn to love yourself and who you are. When he said you’ll never find anybody who won’t criticize you is 100%bullshit -you will some day find someone who can treat you right and love you for who you are. It is possible. Well done for leaving him.

What did he say that you reacted to "sensitively"?