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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DC's friend has just moved in with us from an abusive home situation

56 replies

watchingtheworld · 21/10/2018 14:11

Just that really, the child is 15, 16 in a couple of months. The stories have been pouring out. It seems as if they have never had a kind word said to them. They have been on a very restricted diet, not due to poverty but seemingly due to extreme control by the M. They are underweight and have never eaten the majority of fruit or vegetable, for instance tomatoes, oranges - the list is endless. They were only allowed out of their room to eat, and other children encouraged to tell tales about them, either real of made up. There were a series of rules which constantly changed so were impossible to obey. There is almost too much to list here, but there doesn't seem to be any aspect of their life which was ok, let alone good. There had been SS involvement but the M managed to put it all down to difficult teenage behavior. They have been with me since last weekend, I have called SS 4 times, but have not had any contact. The school have been fantastic and said the child had 'been on their radar' and have offered us a free bus pass, free school meals and money for uniform and books.
I am trying to gradually introduce new foods and have noticed that they struggle to help themselves, but eat well when food is put on their plate.
Has anyone got any advice? I have never experienced anything like this, although I have worked with vulnerable adults with MH problems and children in deprived situations.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/10/2018 14:13

It's really good of you to take this child in. You should accept all the help you can get for the sake of the child and yourself.

Will the parents be prosecuted? Will you foster the child?

HollowTalk · 21/10/2018 14:14

How come SS haven't come out to see you?

JellieEllie · 21/10/2018 14:15

Oh bless you. I have no advice to offer but wanted to just say what a lovely person you have come across and well done for taking in this child. Credit to you 💐

claret3189 · 21/10/2018 14:16

You are doing such a good thing Hope you get lots of support with this

Jaxtellerswife · 21/10/2018 14:18

Well done for giving this child a stable home. I hope they start to feel secure and trusting soon. Best of luck

watchingtheworld · 21/10/2018 14:23

To be honest it was my child who has been worried about them since year 7. And I have no idea why SS haven't been to check us out even. I have a friend who is a family law solicitor and I'm going to get her to call on Monday. The child is lovely, very intelligent and had thought through every aspect of what leaving home would mean, also beginning to come to some realisations about the M's behaviour. M has called once to ask what she should tell relations and to let me know it was her (M's) birthday and tell me the child 'didn't even care'.

OP posts:
watchingtheworld · 21/10/2018 14:25

We are considering fostering. I have given them a key to the house, and we are converting my office into a bedroom which will be their's no matter where they live. But it's a big thing and we are considering the impact it will have on our DC.

OP posts:
GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 14:26

how comes they havent tried most fruits or vegetables?? what did they eat at school? its neglect so im surprised ss hasnt been in contact.

HannahnotAgnes · 21/10/2018 14:29

That is awful. Well done you for stepping up. Hope you all get the appropriate support you require.

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 14:32

I commend you. Such a kind heart and so caring. You're doing a wonderful thing and I'm appalled SS haven't been in touch.

watchingtheworld · 21/10/2018 14:33

The M doesn't 'believe in fruit and veg' one sibling and the D get a varied diet but the child didn't. No eggs even! SS don't seem to be interested in food abuse.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 14:35

Call the children's safeguarding team in your local authority.

watchingtheworld · 21/10/2018 14:37

SS were involved recently but the child was forced by parents to retract their statements and to say they'd been lying so it was all put down to teenage bad behaviour.

OP posts:
RebelWitchFace · 21/10/2018 14:38

I wonder if SS contacted the school and they know she's in a safe,stable environment and adequately housed for now so they're focusing on more pressing cases,where children are in danger right now. Some areas will be worse than others.

Well done for taking her in and doing your best. Keep in touch with school and see if she can seek some therapy. Some fallout will be due soon,not only because of the change and loyalties but as the realisation how bad her life really was sinks in.

watchingtheworld · 21/10/2018 14:41

There has been no contact between school and SS as of Friday. The school are preparing a statement for them.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 21/10/2018 14:44

Thank goodness you are helping. What a horrendous start in life for the poor child. Hope SS deal with M

RebelWitchFace · 21/10/2018 14:47

What's real awful and heartbreaking ,is that regardless of the reason this has been allowed to go on for 15 years.

RandomMess · 21/10/2018 15:06

With regards the trying new food I think just put some of everything on their plate and get them to write down what they like and don't like. I think expecting them to help them self after having zero food choices in their life would be too overwhelming.

cafenoirbiscuit · 21/10/2018 16:18

Good on you for taking this child in. Maybe ask them to help you with meal preparation so they can see the food before they eat it. I doubt they have any cooking skills, so another good reason for getting them involved. Keep going with ss contact and make sure you apply for any fostering allowances - even if you save it for their future.

OverByYer · 21/10/2018 16:21

Social services need to get on and see the child. Do they have younger siblings? If so they need to be safeguarded.
Aren’t the parents wondering where their child is?

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 21/10/2018 16:21

SS should be advising you. Would they take a multivitamin?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/10/2018 16:27

You are doing an amazing thing for this child - and you must be so proud of your child too, for having spotted there was a problem and caring about their friend.

NotTheFordType · 21/10/2018 16:35

Oh bless, the poor little love.

GreenTulips · 21/10/2018 16:36

I would say this child will be used to explosive situations and will be watching you and your reactions - you may be 'nice' but the child will see this and 'and then what' waiting for you to explode. You need to be consistent.

You are doing the right thing and hopefully this child will find confidence and happiness

youarenotkiddingme · 21/10/2018 16:41

Wow poor kid and how lucky to have your Dc and family in their life.

School sound great being totally on board etc. They obviously noted a lot of concerns too and realise the radar was the least they needed to note.

You have probably done this child the biggest favour - they can be supported in their gcse year and getting those will make a whole different outlook for their future.

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