My DC's friend has just moved in with us from an abusive home situation

[watchingtheworld]

Just that really, the child is 15, 16 in a couple of months. The stories have been pouring out. It seems as if they have never had a kind word said to them. They have been on a very restricted diet, not due to poverty but seemingly due to extreme control by the M. They are underweight and have never eaten the majority of fruit or vegetable, for instance tomatoes, oranges - the list is endless. They were only allowed out of their room to eat, and other children encouraged to tell tales about them, either real of made up. There were a series of rules which constantly changed so were impossible to obey. There is almost too much to list here, but there doesn't seem to be any aspect of their life which was ok, let alone good. There had been SS involvement but the M managed to put it all down to difficult teenage behavior. They have been with me since last weekend, I have called SS 4 times, but have not had any contact. The school have been fantastic and said the child had 'been on their radar' and have offered us a free bus pass, free school meals and money for uniform and books.
I am trying to gradually introduce new foods and have noticed that they struggle to help themselves, but eat well when food is put on their plate.
Has anyone got any advice? I have never experienced anything like this, although I have worked with vulnerable adults with MH problems and children in deprived situations.

Actually I disagree that the school are great, if OPs child has been concerned since Yr 7 and the child is now 15, they are presumably now in Yr 11, that's over 4 years at Senior school where this has gone unnoticed. I think that's a severe failure in the school's duty if care. Any Safeguarding concerns whatsoever should have been reported and monitored but the school.
Poor poor child, OP you are doing a fantastic thing. I wish you all the best.

Lucky kid to have you. Give them time re food. They are desperately trying not to fuck up so you won’t punish them. Which is why they are clearing their plate but not taking more. The first time they fuck up will be the game changer for them. Because it will be the first time they’ve had a reasonable response from an adult whose their carer. Once that happens things will start to move forwards. Maybe consider taking them to the gp for tests to make sure they don’t need supplements for a while

You.must insist SS get involved as she will need to be a looked after child to get support as a a student/young adult care leaver. They will want to avoid this so you will need to push this. She has been let down by them from the sounds of things.

I have not got anything more to say than everyone above OP, you have done a wonderful and brave thing. Thank goodness there are people like you and your DC in the world x . Good luck as I’m sure you’ll have tricky times ahead but this child is looking forward to a brighter future because of you.

Have you contacted the police? If I'm reading correctly there are other children in the home the child has come from who may be victims of different types of abuse, or could fall victim to abuse now M's primary target has gone. They should support you with social services too and kick up a fuss for you, and those other children.

You're amazing by the way.

Poor kid, but good for you and your family. This will change his life!

You’re doing a truly kind and caring thing.

This is an unregulated foster placement. SS need to complete a viability assessment with you and if this is positive they should then complete a full form f (fostering) assessment. You should be getting paid a fostering allowance, and you should be getting support from a supervising social worker. It is in this child's interests to have 'looked after' status as they will have leaving care entitlements once they are 18.

Just wanted to tell you that what you’re doing is brilliant

I have done this twice, friends of my sons.

One worked out beautifully. Kid grew up, joined the military, got married, bought a house etc. Hes an awesome young man and still comes to see me when hes in this state on leave.

Other one did not work out. I had to tell him to leave after a couple of months, turns out hed been thrown out of his home for drug use. I tried very hard to get him help, he really didnt want it. I still see him "around". He tells everyone how awesome I am etc but his life is still going nowhere at 26. He wasnt a bad kid, just too broken by the time he came to me for me to fix. He caused all kinds of drama etc at my home and I wasnt going to put up with it and as hed turned down every avenue to help Id given him, he had to go ( 2 younger DDs in the home so I wasnt willing to play nice for too long).

Its great you have stepped in, Id do it again, I have learned though that you cant always will them better, sometimes the damage runs too deep. I feel I did make a difference in boy #2 life as he still gets so excited when I see him, I was one of the few people to show him kindness in those years. I couldnt fix him though and I really did try.

Good luck, I really hope for all your sakes it works out. You just have to try though and I understand that

X

Bless you and them. They won’t reach for food as they probably weren’t allowed to. Being able to receive...even at the dinner table, will need to be learned.

I'm glad that the girl has you and your daughter in her life.

Emotional abuse leaves very long scars. Don't put pressure on yourself to fix everything, the best thing you can do for her is to be a stable long term supporter, so think through how to access support yourself and don't overpromise.

When you have some time, it would be helpful to do some reading about the effects of childhood trauma - Google 'attachment theory' and possibly 'complex post traumatic stress disorder'.

No advice op but I just want to say that I think you're bloody amazing.

My lovely ds is 15 nearly 16 and I would do this for his best friend as I think the world
of him but as I type that I'm thinking about how hard it would be on the wider family, other dc etc.
You have changed the course of this child's life.
I wish him/her all the luck in the world

I did this for a family member
They now have good job and own place.
I thank you for this child xx

What a wonderful thing for you to do.

How about getting yourself some advice and support? I'm sure there are tough times to come as the child adjusts and may start to play up in ways not expected in a healthy nurtured chil, SS show you red tape and barriers, and the "Mother" sticks their abusive oar in as they realise they are loosing control and might have consequences. It would be good to have support and be prepared as much as possible.

But wow. Faith in humanity restored.

Maybe take him/her to the GP and explain the situation. Then GP can test for deficiencies, gently check for signs of violence as well as neglect and hopefully on the back of the appointment give social services a push! Well done you!

This is a private fostering arrangement. You should be getting support from the local authorities. Good luck xx

Sorry I have done an unintentional drip feed - last week was something I never thought I'd go through, my head is spinning! SS investigated a few months ago and 'found' it was bad teenage behaviour and school related anxiety. The school were very unhappy with this, but at this point the child felt they could no longer open up to anyone in authority as the investigation made their life at home 10 times worse.
SandyY2K I have called the safeguarding team 4 times! But the police safeguarding officer has been out to see us, so I expect it has filtered through that they are in a safe place.
Lookatyourwatchnow thanks for the advice
I did take them to the doctor, but I can only take her as a temporary resident. They are Vit. D deficient and I would imagine there are now other deficiencies. They lost 5kg since the nutritionalist 'signed them off'. I will take them again and insist on a proper nutritional check up.
Thank you so much for your stories of having done something like this, it makes me feel we can do this. I've been in tears many times last week (not in front of the child) about the sheer inhumanity of it all, now I'm in tears over your kind words. Thank you

Show the child your tears. Honestly. Show them how sad and angry you are at the way they’ve been treated. It will help them realise how wrong it is. You have to kind of accept that emotionally they are a toddler. They don’t know the correct way people will respond because they haven’t learnt. So you have to be very open with them emotionally.

Definitely go back to the gp. If they are underweight, nutritionally deficient or there are any other signs of abuse/neglect ensure that the gp fully records this. I would want to know their weight and BMI. If it's affecting other aspects of her health such as her periods this should also be recorded. It might be worth asking for counselling services to support her. Also do go back to the gp on your own if you feel support for yourself would be useful. Being a carer is really hard especially in such heartbreaking situations. Whilst you wait for SS do anything you can to help her build her confidence whether it's a day out shopping, going for coffee together, swimming etc. She'll need a lot of support and confidence to tell her story.

I did something similar op, but there was no physical neglect.
My dd's best friend at school told his parents that he's gay. It took a lot of courage on his part & he was being bullied at school. The parents threw him out there and then ( he was 15 & still in his school uniform). He lived with me for about 3 years, then he & my dd flat shared for a while & he got a job when he left school to support himself.

20 years on & he and my dd are still best friends. He has met an amazing man, they've bought a house together and are getting married next year. His partner's family have welcomed him with open arms & he has us too. I love him dearly and I'm very proud of him. In all that time I still have never met or spoken to his parents, they just left him to it and didn't involve social services. I contacted them (ss) and formalised everything and it all worked out ok.

Sorry to derail your thread, but I'm so glad you are able to help this child. It won't be easy having another teenager in the house ( they drove me nuts! ), but it will all be worth it in the end 

OP you are doing such a wonderful thing, no doubt you will have problems along the way but you will make such a difference to this young person's life.

Update: we have finally had SS contact. A worker called and said she was coming over to give the child a talk about not going off without letting someone know where she was and that she was safe. Bearing in mind I called SS before she came to us, when she arrived and I also called the police. She had been saying she'd rather live on the street than be at home - so that was why we intervened. I am so angry and frustrated. I hopefully have made her case AGAIN, and now the SS worker is coming to talk to her about the way her life has been until now. She's mentioning events she remembers from the age of 5. Because the abuse has not been sexual or involving hitting (sorry if I didn't make that clear previously-my head is all over the place) SS don't appear to be interested. They have made no effort to contact her school but have been completely taken in by the M.

This is shocking. The poor child. How is it right in this day and age that a child, who is asking for help loud and clear, is being ignored like this?!

Is there some way to escalate this within social services? Is there a supervisor you can complain to? Mental abuse is still abuse.

Thank goodness the child has your DC for a friend and you on side.

You might need to go to court for a special guardianship order