How long did it take to get over your Ex?

[ghostlygal]

Just that really. How long did it take you to realise that you're better off without your Ex?

I've been separated from
my ex for a year now, together 4 years and 10 months. Just realised today that while I don't miss my ex per say I miss the idea of him, I miss sharing the joys of parenting with him. I miss being part of a team. I miss having someone to cuddle in bed. And I'm jealous he gets to do all that with someone else. I thought after a year and after all he's done to me that I'd be fully over it by now.

So how long did it take you to move on?

@Casperandme thanks for the link Casper! So on point! I have been researching uni courses to take up next year so definitely trying to take action and focus on goals that will help me reach self actualisation rather than sit and wallow xxx

@Alaria4 that's so true! I think you learn so much from every mistake and it makes you stronger long term. I've learned I'm actually very resilient and capable. I never in my life thought I could be this strong (I'm such a people pleaser and walk over in RL) so standing up for myself and my feelings has been a massive learning curve which I've gained a lot from. 

@Lorddenning1 aw I'm so glad it's helping someone! That's lovely to hear. I hope you're ok? Was your breakup recent?

@fantasmasgoria1 I'm glad you're not suffering but I'm sorry to hear about your marriage breakup. As previous posters said you most likely did your grieving within the relationship perhaps?

Don’t miss him at all... he was an abusive twat.
Never looked back in fact

@ghostlygal well it's been 3 weeks since I ended and it took till yesterday to cry and now I can't stop.

He's an addict & I had to call the police. He basically lost it & was arrested for criminal damage, I didn't see him for a week and Iv only seen him 3 times since so he can see dc.

Children's services have said it needs to be supervised contact till he's sober but haven't opened a case of any sort. Iv been doing this as there is nobody else that can. Middle dc has sen & anxiety so doesn't want to see him without me anyway.

What Iv been through in the last 9 years probably means I could use life long therapy.

He's landed on his feet, like usual. Mummy has helped him with furniture for his room in a shared house but hasn't bothered to even say happy birthday to her grandchild who's bday was last week. Totally bitter.

Gosh that sounds awful. Are you scared of him?

Can you speak to social services again to get some help?

Women's aid might also be able to offer you some guidance and put you in touch with support services in your area www.womensaid.org.uk

Do you have family and friends around you to offer support?

@eggncress love how you put that so succinctly  hope you've managed to move on and live a happier and fuller life?

@ghostlygal it's been 8 weeks since my break up, spent 9 yrs together and 2 DS, he met someone else 2 weeks after we split. I'm finding it hard to cope some days, but it's not been helping that he has been rubbing my face in it and over sharing everything to do with his new GF

I split from dd father when she was 8 months old was v hard after few years together but I realised it was harder being with him and more miserable.had counselling which helped massively but what helped me Most was knowing I tried my best n I was also doing it for her as the relationship was toxic. I think acceptance n fine helped me and letting go mentally of all the anger and bitterness by writhing it down I wrote pages of the stuff and helped me stop carrying it around try it.
Now with an amazing man, fully over my ex have been for years
You really don't have to spend years trying to move forward xx 😘

@Lorddenning1 see this is what I don't get, why do they have to be so spiteful when you split? Like how would the kids react if they saw all that!

Having been through the exact same thing, my best advise is to come off all social media for a while and just focus on healing. Also what people post isn't a reality, it's a form of marketing and advertising that doesn't resemble the truth, he's only posting what he wants to share. So take everything with a pinch of salt.

@Staceyjas aw I'm so happy you got your happy ending 

Writing is an awesome tip! I'll defo give it a go. It's a great way to offload I can't believe I didn't think of it 

I have blocked him and her on social media, it's so I don't look either, to be fair he never goes on it, he tells me all about her when he visits to see the kids or at drop offs or when he rings about the kids etc. I gave him an ultimatum at the weekend, he either shuts up about her, as it inappropriate or I make changes to the agreement we have, like he would have to pick them up from family members and I would cancel the mid ween contact where he comes to mine and watches the kids while I go gym. I said it will get to the point where I can't be around you, so you decide, I'm hoping it works

No not scared of him but middle dc is because of what he did. I can hold my own when it comes to him.

The worst of it is that he's a great man & dad when he's sober but just can't quite get there again. He does weeks & weeks then fucks up again.

All the things he has missed out on over the years as he was on a bender is what I'm most sad about. All the happy times or times I needed him like bdays & first days of school, baby in hospital, I was alone for those.

I thought I had stopped loving him a long time ago but I don't think I have. I love man he was but don't think he's there anymore.

We have split & got back together a fair few times over 9 years but this has to be it now. He's not normally violent or shouty, I am shouty though. He's the lovely guy that needs drink for confidence & then it went to far.

Therapy not an option really as I don't get any time, middle dc won't be left with anyone. Can't plan for when he's at school because he's being sent home so much at the minute. CAMHS finally at the end of the month.

What's hurting today is it's meant to be our 9th anniversary on the 30th & I had gave him an ultimatum to sort some stuff out by then, 3 months ago & we didn't make it.

Oh and he has come so far, he was an addict for 4 years but managed to stop that except for a couple of little blips.

It's the drink that turns him into a twat. He just swapped one vice for another.

@stabbybitch sending you big hugs 💗 I know you can't see it now but you are so better not in the relationship for you and your children

@Lorddenning1 thank you, it means a lot. I can see it though & I know I'm better off without him. I just can't stop thinking about how it should have been.

@Lorddenning1 I can't believe he tells you about her, that's super insensitive and disrespectful.

@stabbybitch @Lorddenning1 is right you sound like you and the kids are better off without him. Addiction changes people and makes them master manipulators. It may control him but you don't have to let it control you anymore. You and the kids deserve so much more. You've tried your best to help him and if he's not ready to help himself then it's time to cut the ropes I'm afraid. Your kids will thank you in the long run.

I was with ex for 20 years. I cried daily for about a year then felt sad for the next. I’d say it was about five years before I could look at him and think ‘ na wouldn’t go there again’ Strangely it was around the 3-4 year mark when he started hinting at reconciliation. I never hated him and he wasn’t abusive.

Ghostly gal I did definitely grieve during the last years of my marriage. The love went, no sex for 4 years , no cuddles etc nothing. By the end I was pretty much over it and moved on easily!

@autumnleaves1234 did you go back for seconds?

I’ve had a setback sadly after all my advice earlier - near constant messaging, lovely comments and then him talking about the girl he’s going on a third date with then even more messages to me. Arg! It’s just so hard.

Like you OP nc isn’t an option which makes it so very hard

I hope you don't let him know it bothers you? Cause he's doing it for a reaction & attention. Have you been on any dates recently that you could casually add into conversation?