How long did it take to get over your Ex?

[ghostlygal]

Just that really. How long did it take you to realise that you're better off without your Ex?

I've been separated from
my ex for a year now, together 4 years and 10 months. Just realised today that while I don't miss my ex per say I miss the idea of him, I miss sharing the joys of parenting with him. I miss being part of a team. I miss having someone to cuddle in bed. And I'm jealous he gets to do all that with someone else. I thought after a year and after all he's done to me that I'd be fully over it by now.

So how long did it take you to move on?

@Cawfee yup wasn't good enough to take my man and play stepmom but she had to take my job too 🙄

I have thought of that but I'd rather seek revenge by becoming more successful on my own and making the kids proud of me 💕

@Lorddenning1 I just hope the grieving comes to an end soon. It's frustrating cause I know im better off. I wouldn't dare tell anyone in RL that I miss him sometimes because they'd be so mad.

Tribunal!!! That's not fair!

@Sciurus83 lol no point in a tribunal (although I have threatened it) I really don't want to work with her 😁

On a side note he just sent me the profit and loss for this past year and they've spent 11k on holidays while to had to get a charity sponsored doula to help with the birth of our DS

I'm 3 weeks in from a 9 year relationship & it's killing me. I have cried non stop today and can't see me ever not being bitter even though I was the one who ended it.

I'm sad about the man I lost to drink & drugs years ago but angry that he couldn't give it up for us. I had been chasing a ghost, the man I fell in love with was long gone and I'm angry at the time I wasted on trying to find him.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel this way forever, I don't want him to be happy or have another relationship. I want him to feel like I have for the last few years.

Sorry about the pity party, but I couldn't stop once I started.

@ghostlygal

I split from my ex in 2015 n was an emotional wreck, was the longest we ever split up for - a year n 5 months
It was the worst pain I've ever suffered
He met someone else n was with her for a few months n also another that he rly fell for!
Incidentally, we got back together as I think we both had too many feeling for each other
I can honestly day it was the worse time of my life, the intensity of the emotional pain I went though still makes me shudder . I now live in fear of it happens again
I do think it's dependent on how close u were n how intense the relationship was. We were each other's first love/sexual encounter etc so very intense
So I don't think I could have coped

How did ur relationship finish with hi? If he met his new gf in three days he must have been talking/met her when u were still together??

@Issy777 we had our DD in 2017 and after that things went downhill. He started acting single, drinking and not coming home, not inviting me to things. Basically just made me feel worthless so I asked him to leave. He most likely did meet this girl while we were together although he denies it. He tends to lovebomb so I can understand why she fell for him so quickly even when I was pregnant with our second baby. I think most of the hurt stems from the fact I was pregnant and gave birth on my own while he's been living the highlife. He's blocked me from all our business accounts and from the bank account and credit card so ya been a hard time financially. But generally speaking I find being a single mom very rewarding and wouldn't change things for the world. I'm going to try and focus on self fulfilment when the kids are a bit older and go back to uni and get a decent degree and career so they can be proud of me.

Have you had legal advice? Surely if you are s shareholder he can’t block you? He also can’t just replace you in the business. Force a sale and sling them both out! Go see a corporate lawyer!!

and surely they can’t charge holidays to the company P&L? See an accountant and a lawyer!!

@Cawfee I have seen a lawyer I just can't afford to continue to pay them that's the problem!

@Cawfee he's put it through the books as business Travel

I can't really relate to these posts. I finished it with my dp of 19 years. He left just over 2 weeks ago. I don't miss him. I haven't cried. Maybe I'm just heartless?
I just feel guilty for making him leave his home as he has no-one & nothing.

@NickyNora could it be possible that you didn't love him when you split?

I think that seems to make all the difference in how quickly you
Move on.

@NickyNora I didn't cry over my STBXH when we split after I discovered his infidelity. (10 years together, two children) I did cry about the children's loss of our family future. I went to counselling to make sure that I wasn't stashing away a time bomb that would explode in the future, so to speak (mine or the children). It is possible that you did all your crying within the relationship. I think unwittingly I may have been aware it was over some time before I was told. It's been just over a year. Life is so much more interesting not just some grind where I end up going home to someone who really wasn't that bothered about me. I have had so many fantastic experiences this last summer. I think that I can say it was April before I genuinely picked myself back up from the shock but now the added dimension is that I really don't care what he's up to with his new lady love (as long as the kids are happy). Life can get a lot better very quickly if you let it.

I think there is no rhyme or reason behind it at all.

I was with someone for 5 years, and while the end was brutal and horrible, I was over it 3 months later.

Yet - I'm still now getting over a situation that wasn't even a relationship and it's been over a year. I'm pretty sure I'm 90% of the way there now but it still feels like a shadow over me that I can't quite shake for good.

I think it depends on so many other factors - how it hits at your insecurities, how well you understand the situation, and how the other person treats you. Also how you treat yourself. And last;y - how the other person treats you after the breakup and if they truly let you go.

Part of the reason I was stuck for so long I think was being obsessed with trying to "understand" a situation that was impossible to understand. Also, I was stuck in the idealise/devalue/discard cycle which did me so much damage. Whereas when my ex-DP of 5 years left, I understood why - he wanted someone else. It was painful but clear cut.

Totally agree with Casper's point. The longer that you persist in trying to find an explanation, the longer you can get stuck. As soon as I let that go it was so much easier and quicker.

@myrtlehuckingfuge @Casperandme this is the funny thing because for the most part I thought I had let it go. I've accepted my lot and I'm quiet happy on my own. Just the sudden wave of missing him cropped up at the wknd and I don't know where it came from. It doesn't help that we see each other a few times a week for visitation for the kids. I've never had a solid block of time where I've been allowed to heal. I'm optimistic about the future and know I deserve better (although the verdict is out if I will ever date again) right now I'm mostly happy on own.

And you're right obsessing over a thing can be dangerous. I'm sure if I was working and not at home with 2 under 2 thinking constantly I might have moved on more by now

@myrtlehuckingfuge and it's more the loss of the 'family unit' that's upset me more than the actual demise of my relationship! You made a good point there

I do think it’s a two step forward one step back process though, healing. It’s a long road and sometimes you have to feel the pain to move through it

Oh and this link really helped me to move on because I realised how stuck I was www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-ruminating-stop-obsessing-very-little-is-going-to-happen-without-action/

I think we find the habit and routine the hardest part to 'get over' as many say it's not the person themselves that we actually feel loss over, as some PPs have said they were ass holes.

I do thing it's adjusting to a change that's the hardest. You have certainly lost a lot (relationship, Job, money) so these are massive changes and something you have to adapt to.

Also having contact with expartner would certainly not be helpful in moving forward.

But you sound to me like you are incredibly strong and are probably finding out some things about yourself that you didn't know and that's empowering.

I wouldn't worry about finding a reason or explanation as to why you cannot get over said ex. I think you should be very kind to yourself and allow yourself that grief of loss, its healthy! Shutting it away will only cause problems. Talk about it, think about it but certainly take time to see that it sound sounds like it was the best decision, given your exs actions since spilt.

Maybe you could go to therapy /councilling? C

Posted before I had finished haha!

One more point, having 2 DC under 2 also probably doesn't leave you with much time for emotional healing or space. Good luck for your future OP. You sound like a great person and a true pillar of strength.

this thread is helping me greatly, its nice to see other people comment on their experiences and outcomes, it makes me think i can get over my break up too :)
Thanks everyone

For the last 4 years of my marriage I fell out of love with my husband and by the time I ended it I had already got over it. I felt no heartbreak at all.

@stabbybitch hey you sending you some virtual hugs  I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, I know how isolating this grief can be. Want to talk and tell us more? Might make you feel abit better. I found counselling really helpful when I separated from my ex. Would you consider this?