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Original poster

Sex drive/ED

58 replies

PookieDo · 20/10/2018 08:55

I am seeing a new guy for a couple of months it’s going really well after a little wobbly start. I have asked him about his sex drive (a general question where I said mine was medium) and he’s non committal to the question - yeah he likes sex etc.

It’s very obvious that in this honeymoon period I am all over him like a rash quite often (if we start kissing that’s what I will want to do) but I also take his lead and whether he is up for it. He appears as though he is, although he never instigates it’s always me. So I instigate and make it obvious then see if he responds. It was a blessed relief to find a man who isn’t just completely focused on sex and actually think I am more comfortable and relaxed being the person who takes the lead. So that part doesn’t bother me.

But
He really is struggling to keep his erection and I have asked him what will help, if there is anything he wants me to do/not do and he just keeps saying it’s not me, it’s him. So then I now say ‘don’t worry’ or I don’t mention it at all, but he feels bad about it and then it happens again etc and I am starting to feel like a sex pest who is pressuring him, although he says I am not. I am actually not always bothered whether I orgasm or not because I like the closeness and the intimacy more than the end result. But he rarely finishes and we seem to have quite intense sex that then fizzles out after a while and we both end up giving up then cuddling

I suppose I am asking is there anything I could do? Or should I just let it be? I think he over thinks this in his head Confused

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 20/10/2018 09:00

How old is he? Was he single for a long time before you? Does he watch a lot of porn? Is he seeing a doctor for any medical issues? Some men can have erectile dysfunction if a) they're addicted to porn and can only get it up whilst watching porn, b) wank a lot on their own and are used to a very tight grip. He might have a medical problem. There's a few reasons this might be happening but if he's struggling to achieve an erection now, I doubt it's you....unless he really, really doesn't fancy you and simply can't maintain an erection but this is extreme.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 09:07

It’s anxiety that’s causing it and over thinking. He’s early 40’s
It doesn’t sound like he’s ever been one for shagging a lot of women and likes emotional closeness but he’s been properly single 2 years but has dated.
I asked him about porn and he said he did occasionally but wasn’t that bothered about it.

We are so good in so many other ways but I am concerned this is a sex drive incompatibility issue

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2018 09:17

He could get sildanefil over the counter at a pharmacy if it's just performance anxiety he's struggling with.

category12 · 20/10/2018 09:20

But personally, sexual compatibility is important to me and I like that my boyf has a similar sex drive to me - my ex had a lower one and struggled with his erections, and it made me feel like crap over the longterm.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 09:27

@category12

I know I think when you start to feel like a sex pest this could be a sign? I want to have sex with him whenever I am around him. But I think he just likes being around me

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2018 09:42

I think he just likes being around me Which is nice, but ..

The "at it like rabbits" stage is so great Grin - I think if it's not like that in the beginning stages, well, it's never going to be, is it? And feeling desired and like you can't keep your hands off each other is so much fun.

stellabird · 20/10/2018 09:44

I'd suggest that a trip to his GP would be helpful. Viagra and Cialis are wonderful drugs which can make such a difference.....to both of you.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 09:51

He’s not turning me down iyswim
If stayed overnight we would do it before sleep and when we woke up. It starts off really intense and then kind of fizzles out and loses momentum
I will talk to him about it again I think but I don’t want to pressure him either which constant discussions aren’t going to help!

OP posts:
Jsku · 20/10/2018 10:22

OP - for me the warning sign here isnt the erection situation, which can be due to nerves when relationship is new.
It’s that when it happens - as you say you end up cuddling, instead of him helping you get to ✨ in other ways. For me it’s important in they both partners think about the other one’s pleasure and try what they can.
He has other body parts that he can yae. Or, there are toys if he knows he has an issue.
Sex is an important part of a relationship. It won’t work if there are issues and no communication around them.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 10:31

To be fair to him he does do that or attempt to help keep me going - sometimes I am like no it’s ok the momentum has gone for me now too - I suppose because it’s gone for him, I start to feel like we should just stop. I think this is why ED is confusing for women and I would like to know more - is it better if we just stop or do I keep going or what do i do for the best?

OP posts:
Jsku · 20/10/2018 10:40

There isn’t a rule if she you should do. Whatever it is - just needs to feel natural and not forced...
I know for me - if we are in the middle of it and my partner loses his mojo - we just continue with other ways.
But we’ve been together a while and know each other’s bodies well, there is trust and intimacy. So - an occasional wobble (😂) isn’t really an issue with us.

Babdoc · 20/10/2018 10:44

Get him to his GP, OP. Erectile dysfunction can be an early warning of heart disease, hypertension, diabetes or peripheral vascular disease.
He needs properly screened to exclude or treat as necessary, before considering whether drugs such as sildenafil would be of benefit.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 11:15

He says it’s all psychological and not a physical issue and he’s been checked, he doesn’t want viagra

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2018 11:39

Confused He doesn't want to try the drugs that would give confidence in his erections, when he reckons it's all psychological? That doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

This is as good as your sexlife together is likely to get, you know.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 12:48

Yeah this is why I posted in a way
It’s like something is kind of missing but it’s not sexual spark or chemistry - he is responsive to me but it’s like his mind wanders to somewhere and he can’t seem to stop it
And he’s trying to give me reassurance that this is just because it’s all new and he needs time to relax and then he’s confident it will stop happening
So either this is what always happens to him and will improve or he’s setting me up for disappointment when if it never does

OP posts:
Eminado · 20/10/2018 12:54

Typing quickly on my phone so I hope this doesnt come across harshly but my observation is that;

You are minimising the importance of sex in a relationship

He is minimising the extent of his problems

I think you should cut your losses tbh as nothing good will come of this in end. Sorry.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 13:49

I think I’ve been trying to be considerate and understanding whilst not giving up on trying, I agree though I think he’s in denial.

I’m already annoyed when he text this morning and asked me if I am going to ‘sort myself out’ because of my sexual frustration and that he might - and last night we had sex and it just fizzled out halfway through. So he’s sexually frustrated or not? Or he just prefers for us to sort ourselves out and then doesn’t have to have sex with me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 13:52

Also I now find myself coming on too strong and my anxiety is something along the lines of he’s not into it because I am too turned on and there isn’t enough friction. Sorry TMI. Whereas when he sorts himself out that isn’t an issue. That’s the impression I have started to get from it

OP posts:
bigchris · 20/10/2018 14:04

Can you type out his text message this morning as I'm a bit confused? He's blaming you ?

category12 · 20/10/2018 14:13

Crikey, isn't dating supposed to be the fun stage ? You're only a couple of months in and the sex is rubbish, and really, I don't think his libido is there, from what you've said.

Throw him back and see who else is out there for you.

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 14:27

@bigchris

No not blaming me. Last night when it fizzled out I said don’t worry let’s stop now, when he lost it I just lost my momentum too and the urge to continue.

Context: yesterday I knew he was coming over but not staying. I have had my period so we haven’t had sex for a week. I made it clear I was up for it/interested and he also showed interest by sending some flirting/sexy texts

When we saw each other we were really affectionate and he did things he knew would turn me on so I initiated the sex which was really intense for about 15 mins then just fizzled out.

So this morning he text me asking basically am I still in the mood? I can’t see him today but I said yes, so he suggested to me I sort myself out. I said maybe I would but didn’t elaborate. I asked him if he was going to ‘sort himself out’. He said he wished he was with me this morning in bed when I woke up (wink face etc) and he might sort himself out too.

Sorry if it’s a jumble and isn’t clear!

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 14:33

@bigchris

Play back in my head is wondering if this is a sensation issue. Every time it happens it feels like it happens because he’s losing friction... I am unsure why it happens as the only thing he says is that he gets anxious and then his mind says it going to go down, then it does. Sometimes he will keep going anyway, sometimes it comes back but often it doesn’t. It isn’t that he doesn’t fancy me or like me

OP posts:
Jsku · 20/10/2018 15:09

This PIV sex issue became ‘the issue’ with you two - and not it’s like the elephant in the room.
It is quite possibly in his head, has happened before to many men.
If I were you - i’d take PIV sex out of the menu for a little while.
And try to break the cycle.
If you need internal stimulation - but a rabbit and give it to him. And do anything to each other, other than piv sex.
Your brains need to re-wire and learn to give/receive pleasure while in intimate situation with each other.
Don’t make it about one type of sex.
Try different things.
When those other ways get going, IF there isn’t any additional medical issues - it all should get back on track.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2018 15:29

Has it always been like this? Could he maintain his erection the first few times?

Original poster
PookieDo · 20/10/2018 16:25

It has always been a bit hit and miss
First time both had been drinking so didn’t think too much of it. Second and third (next AM after 1st time) were also intermittent. 4th time same. 5th time was the only time it stayed the whole time but I felt like I shouldn’t move too much/distract him from concentrating. Yesterday was 6th or 7th time I think

OP posts: