Sex drive/ED

[PookieDo]

I am seeing a new guy for a couple of months it’s going really well after a little wobbly start. I have asked him about his sex drive (a general question where I said mine was medium) and he’s non committal to the question - yeah he likes sex etc.

It’s very obvious that in this honeymoon period I am all over him like a rash quite often (if we start kissing that’s what I will want to do) but I also take his lead and whether he is up for it. He appears as though he is, although he never instigates it’s always me. So I instigate and make it obvious then see if he responds. It was a blessed relief to find a man who isn’t just completely focused on sex and actually think I am more comfortable and relaxed being the person who takes the lead. So that part doesn’t bother me.

But
He really is struggling to keep his erection and I have asked him what will help, if there is anything he wants me to do/not do and he just keeps saying it’s not me, it’s him. So then I now say ‘don’t worry’ or I don’t mention it at all, but he feels bad about it and then it happens again etc and I am starting to feel like a sex pest who is pressuring him, although he says I am not. I am actually not always bothered whether I orgasm or not because I like the closeness and the intimacy more than the end result. But he rarely finishes and we seem to have quite intense sex that then fizzles out after a while and we both end up giving up then cuddling

I suppose I am asking is there anything I could do? Or should I just let it be? I think he over thinks this in his head

Ah.

I think you need to seriously consider whether you could live with a sexless relationship; and if not, it may be time to cut your losses.

He does sound like a lovely man except for this; but he's laid his cards out to you here. He can't have sex; he has no intention of getting help to be able to have sex. He may think the world of you; but he's not willing to get help to make you happy.

I'd be struggling; but I think I'd have to go. I'd be so unhappy with sex like that; it sounds so deflating.

I feel like he’s saying to me this is a temporary problem that will resolve. I think initially I am going to completely stop initiating sex. Then start a proper conversation. I want to give him the chance to consider taking viagra perhaps but wont carry on with him if this just isn’t going anywhere which is such a shame because he’s so lovely

We talked a lot about this. I said it was important to me, appreciate it’s not the be all and end all but without it you just have a friendship. I feel like he says the right things and agrees but not sure what will actually happen. So I asked for a more specific explanation of this ‘temporary’ ED situation that he has alluded to. He says it’s confidence, trust, relaxing, and that it will go away once he’s more into the phase of being in love with someone. On one hand I get it. It took me a long time to relax enough with a man to learn how to orgasm in sex (very long time) as I felt uptight and not sure about trust/respect/love
On the other hand I have never heard a man say this to me before and don’t know if it’s all a load of crap

I am in a similar situation to you with my partner. We are in our early 30's, been together 7 months. I have decided that I because he is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and I love him very much, that i'm going to be patient. We have had some great sex, but often his anxiety will make him unable to have intercourse, so he pleases me in other ways. The reason I have decided to support him through this is because he wants to get better, he has seen a doctor and got the ok medically so now is having psychosexual therapy through the NHS. He suggested getting Viagra but I felt that would not be sorting out the root of the problem. Had he closed down, refused to talk, or even got angry if I mentioned it I wouldn't still be with him. But we are a partnership and I know he would support me if it were the other way around.

How does he know it'll go away? It doesn't sound like he's prepared to do anything except except wait to be in love, presumably for you to be too, and hope for the best and then if it's still not happening you're deeper in, and it's harder to end it

Right I have maybe got to the bottom of this. He actually needs to be circumcised. 🙄
He has said he will consider going to the doctors.

so I initiated the sex which was really intense for about 15 mins then just fizzled out.

So it sounds like the sex is totally fine for 15 minutes at least which shows he's up for it and capable. Maybe you are just asking too much from him in terms of fitness, I'd be totally knackered after 15 minutes of going at it 100% too! Maybe he just needs you to pace it out a bit. It's asking a lot at his age.

Rest assured I was doing most of the work on those other occasions!

I seem to have no problem turning him on but staying turned on is another thing. I’ve backed right off. He initiated sex with me last night which seemed to not come very naturally to him, and it was 10 mins and he did all the work and was ‘fine’ so to speak. But on this occasion I was not taken care of He has also had the shock horror realisation that too much wanking is making it worse

I think I made the silly assumption that he would just go along with what I like and be in the moment and just enjoy it along with the flow but he also says he thinks he needs a circumcision and doesn’t seem keen on receiving oral sex is worried about his performance and overall worried about what I think of him, his penis, do I like him, is he turning me on etc etc

I think I am more experienced and relaxed than him so made an assumption of how he feels about sex. I do think he wants to fall in love and then thinks it will all be fine. I’m conflicted now.

I think Jsku gave the best answer here.

He needs to get his testosterone levels checked by his GP. Hypogonadism (low testosterone) usually presents in men's early to mid 40's. That would explain both the ED and his pattern of letting you initiate.

Does he smoke? That's another really common cause of ED.

By the way, hypogonadism is incredibly common. About a third of men have it by their mid 40's. It can also cause cardiovascular issues long term if left untreated.

DH had it in his mid 40's. It's very easy to treat with a prescription transdermal gel.

OP - i’ll try one more time and then i’ll shut up, because you aren’t hearing me.
You may be more experienced than him with sex, but you are still very clueless about it.
And what you are doing is, most likely, making things worse.

Yes - there are a lot of men for who sex is simple and straight forward process - penis goes up, PIV, sex, climax.

And then there are men, who are less confident, for whatever reason. For them - once they experience an issue - which happens to most men at some point of their lives, btw - something goes wonky...
So - the more confident men just shake it of. The less confident men get concerned that this would happen again and worry. And once that worry enters their head, it’s there and it happens again and again.... self fulfilling prophesy

What you are doing - making it a focus of your relationship right now, telling him how important PIV sex is, and that he might need to see a doctor, etc - all of it will, most likely make it worse. Not help him relax.

I think there are insecurities on both sides. His - with his erection and ability to satisfy a woman.
And yours - with equating an erection and his PIV orgasm with your attractiveness....

There is more to sex than piv. Give him a chance to overcome his insecurities as you mention you like him and you click.....
Sex isnt a tool to reinforce self worth, or to prove anything....
And don’t expect him to be responsible for your orgasms....

So - if you want to try to see if it’s fixable - get the piv=only type of worthwhile sex - sort of mentality and try other things..... And give you both a time with no pressure to perform... While exploring your bodies together and building intimacy. There are so many wonderful ways to do that.

Good luck.

PS : this all assumes he doesn’t have a medical issue.
And, for the record - only a doctor can tell him if he needs circumcision for medical reasons...

I agree with all the suggestions I just don’t know whether to wait and see if he actually goes back to the doctor (if he’s ever been) or just give up now

I’m not asking for hour long sex sessions but spontaneous and fun would work well for me!

I am listening to you but this man isn’t my husband, I’ve just started dating him!

First off I don’t want to have to do any of these things really, if he has a sex issue he shouldn’t be dating and expecting women to have to learn to adapt really. There is a part of me annoyed about this. I’m clueless because IMO I don’t think he’s being honest and he’s in denial. I’ve now got 2 different reasons for the sex issue and no idea what he really thinks or feels. If it’s a sensation problem then I may have to accept bad PIV sex for life. If it’s medical then it could be fixed but relies on him going to the doctor. If he doesn’t do that then none of your suggestions will help me

I’ve started going out with someone, I like sex in a relationship and that’s what i thought I was getting. Now I have to put all his requirements before my own. I don’t think he doesn’t find me attractive and I don’t need to have sex with him for that purpose, I want to have sex because if we don’t - we are just friends.

FYI I hate vibrators and don’t want to have sex with one. I don’t when I’m single and I’m not about to replace his penis with one either

Pookie, can you have a chat with him about the fact that it all could be due to a very common medical problem that's easily addressed? Because it comes on slowly many men think it's just part of getting old, which makes them a bit depressed. I think the way to pose it is a concern for his long term health and well being, not fixing what's wrong in the bedroom. It's worth the effort if you think he has the potential to be the kind of long term partner you want.

If you think it would help, here's a bit of research about it:

The HIM Study

This article is a bit less technical:

What you need to know about male hypogonadism

When DH started testosterone replacement his mood improved, he had more energy and his libido came roaring back. Sometimes it really is something simple like this.

I'd agree with you, op. It's all very fine saying there are other ways of having sex, but 1. this is a new relationship and why should you have to do all that work & acceptance? And 2. it's OK to know all that and still want piv as a main ingredient in your sexlife.

It's also OK not to be fussed on piv, for whatever reason, or to have a lower libido. It's less OK to resort to magical thinking that the problem will cure itself or to dismiss someone's wants or needs.

I find it a bit odd that this chap has got to his 40s and only now thinks he needs to see the gp about a circumcision. It seems like the goalposts keep moving with him. Now it's sort of understandable if he's embarrassed, but still, this shifting of what the problem is? Purely psychological to physical and back again?

I’d move on. Your six life is never going to get better. He’s full of excuses and not wanting to get help

First of all he said it was psychological and things will improve once he’s in love. Suddenly it’s because he needs to be circumsised how very convienient for a man who refuses to visit the dr for help

from experience if it’s shit in the beginning it’ll always be shit. He won’t get help, he doesn’t want help. He probably doesn’t even need circumcising he’s just coming out with whatever excuse he can

FWIW if my DP had this problem I’d support him. But then we’ve been together a long time and I know he would want to get help.

This man doesn’t. Life is too short for crap sex

This is so very annoying because he brings so many good things to a possible good long term relationship so I am wobbling over a final decision. It does seem mad to dump a great guy over PIV but then I like PIV!

Ultimately he doesn’t make me feel like crap although I feel like he’s in denial and being very silly about it, I’ve had no choice but to talk about it - either he mentions it or I do, because every sexual encounter has gone the same way. I don’t want to make the mistakes of my past and ‘put up and shut up’ about my own needs and wants. I do actually expect him to up his game and am going to give him a chance to and not let this slide into a once a month fumble. he’s going to stop so much wanking (and don’t get me started on my feminist rant about pornography - also he’s in denial about female exploitation) and if I see no effort made to see a doctor or make any changes then I think it’s fair to say to him look we just have different needs and wants

He's being silly about circumcision. Ultimately that will reduce his sensation. Tell him not to do that.

Mainly he seems to have low libido. Its probably not going to get any better. Also if you are so opposed to porn, and it seems he likes looking at, there is another serious incompatibility. Just bite the bullet and break up with him.

We had a discussion about porn. It was more about the content, they effects and having an awareness of the possible exploitation of women. I believe that if you are going to indulge in it you should not choose to be ignorant of the morality and ethical elements, the affect it can have on your partner etc. If you are aware of all of those things then still choose to watch porn then that’s up to the person isn’t it. But he was ignorant ‘women choose to do it’ no many don’t and how the hell can you tell if they do or not, ‘it’s just what men do’ well if you have ED is it a wise choice? Do you think men have an unrealistic expectation of how sex with a woman should be? Do you seem to get more turned on by that than with a woman because it’s less intimate? I honestly don’t think anyone had ever really talked with him about these things before and it troubled him he had not given this consideration before.

Dear god how can you be arsed with all the angst?

The current man I’m seeing has ED. He is a type 1 disabetic.

And it’s so not an issue. If he needs to take a pill he does. Or we do other things.

I married someone like this because i thought sex wasn't the be all and end all. I was wrong. Find someone with whom you have a mutually instinctive sexual attraction (it does exist) and move on from there. Sorry to be harsh.

OP - your posts seem all over the board...
First you seemed to be asking for advice and saying you see the potential in him...
Then your tone changed so much and you started sounding impatient and annnoyed... And demanding and a bit controlling.

Reality is - he may or may not have an issue. It may be really a confidence and a new partner sort of issue.
Happened to a friend of mine and her bf in the early stage. Got resolved in a few months and now sex is (as I hear) outbid this world.
But she wasn’t like you. Wasn’t pushing for doctors, wasn’t quizzing him on porn, etc.
She just waited to see if it improves.
And he did his best to compensate for lack/duration of PIV during that time. And she did her share to make it pleasurable as well.
This is how relationships that will go a mile work. No demands and pressure....

Yours and that man - I don’t think would survive, even if he now changed (which is totally unlikely).
And if I were him - i’d run a mile. You do sound potentially controlling and selfish.
Do him a favour - let him be. And maybe he’ll meet someone less highly wound up, who he can relax with, eventually.
Male sexuality - is assumed by many women to be a question of simple mechanics. But it often isn’t. And at times - needs careful handling.

I think you said you had been seeing this guy for a couple of months,and I am surprised that he hasn't vanished by now. Your long winded posts about your sex life on here,and what you expect from a man,, are very annoying.
Best that you take the good advice from Jsku I think. Your man probably doesn't want any sex debates,and would like to chill out a bit more.