Sex drive/ED

[PookieDo]

I am seeing a new guy for a couple of months it’s going really well after a little wobbly start. I have asked him about his sex drive (a general question where I said mine was medium) and he’s non committal to the question - yeah he likes sex etc.

It’s very obvious that in this honeymoon period I am all over him like a rash quite often (if we start kissing that’s what I will want to do) but I also take his lead and whether he is up for it. He appears as though he is, although he never instigates it’s always me. So I instigate and make it obvious then see if he responds. It was a blessed relief to find a man who isn’t just completely focused on sex and actually think I am more comfortable and relaxed being the person who takes the lead. So that part doesn’t bother me.

But
He really is struggling to keep his erection and I have asked him what will help, if there is anything he wants me to do/not do and he just keeps saying it’s not me, it’s him. So then I now say ‘don’t worry’ or I don’t mention it at all, but he feels bad about it and then it happens again etc and I am starting to feel like a sex pest who is pressuring him, although he says I am not. I am actually not always bothered whether I orgasm or not because I like the closeness and the intimacy more than the end result. But he rarely finishes and we seem to have quite intense sex that then fizzles out after a while and we both end up giving up then cuddling

I suppose I am asking is there anything I could do? Or should I just let it be? I think he over thinks this in his head

Sorry you find it annoying etc.

I hadn’t reposted as things have really got a lot better since I spoke to him. We are close and talk a lot because we are getting to know each other, I also think both of us don’t want to waste time just ‘seeing where things go’ and bumbling along blindly. I hadn’t exactly quizzed him - when we spend time together we talk about lots of thing sometimes he brings it up sometimes I do. But I had 2 different explanations from him so I was frustrated as to what the actual reason was and whether this was something we would overcome or not. I have my own opinions and boundaries as to what I expect from a relationship - intimacy and sex is one of them. If that isn’t what he wants he is free to move on too, I don’t want him to pretend he’s into that just to get me to stay with him - does this make sense? The first part of a relationship is working out how compatible you are. Sometimes people go along with things so they don’t lose face/the person and I don’t want that to be the case. It’s ok to have a lower sex drive but then I probably don’t want to be in a relationship with you - I will be frustrated. You don’t know my back ground - 10 years I have never lived with anyone and am prepared to wait for the right connection with someone. I don’t want to have bad sex, why should I?

It’s also ok for me to tell someone I don’t like porn, strip clubs etc. I don’t have to pretend I do.

I took the advice given about taking pressure off PIV or any sex at all when I was first given it here. And that has been a good plan and has worked well so far. We have also done some non sex related fun intimacy things. So thanks. I won’t be told by other people (not sure if you are men or women) to put up and shut up for the sake of a mans pride.

Fascinating behaviour to come back on several days later apparently only to have a pop at the OP and tell her it's best to simply wait passively to see if things get better, cos men are delicate flowers.

Glad things are better, OP.

I’ve been riled by this because essentially women are seen as controlling and selfish for enquiring about a mans sexual preferences and actually requesting functional sex in a relationship. We need to determine what is and isn’t acceptable as individuals.

If you like teen porn and watch it daily then I am not the woman for you. I have teenage girls and respect myself and teaching them to respect themselves. Another woman might not mind but this is not something I want in my life. If you don’t really like sex very much then tell me, we will part and go our separate ways.

I do like him enough to ask about ways to resolve it if possible and I have listened and it’s improved. But the onus is not on me to have sex with a vibrator while he works through his ‘issues’

It’s not a feminist issue. Equally not a porn issue - at least originally it wasn’t a post about porn anyway...

Anyone - man or a woman, ‘requesting’ anything from an early relationship, and phrasing it in such non compromising ways - would sound controlling and self focused...

The way you talk about it all is as if you are buying a car and checking out it’s varuois functions.
Unlike building a relationship with a an equal human being who told you he needs a bit of time to relax and get his head in a tight place....

As to men being delicate flowers and their issues.
Males have just as much right to take their time to feel comfortable with their partner. Just like women.

For me, for example, it takes a while to get to orgasm with new partners. At the beginning of a relationship - just doesn’t happen.
This whole situation isn’t different from a man - posting here - sayjng -
‘Started dating this woman, many things are OK, but she doesn’t orgasm with me. Maybe she doesn’t like me, or sex. And I need functional sex, so she needs to see a doctor or I am gone. I am not putting up with bad sex...’

Anyway, hope this all works out, somehow

It is a feminist issue - and I mentioned porn and another poster mentioned it a few posts back. Women throughout history have tolerated bad if not horrible sex whereas men historically exploit women for sex. There are millions of sex workers across the globe, majority of them female. I am not one of those females who will tolerate that. If someone sold you a car that wouldn’t go up a hill you would probably end up buying a new car, right? How is knowing what I need from a relationship selfish?

My expectations: I would like sex in a relationship. I do not want a sexless relationship - then it’s just a friendship. If potential partner has a low sex drive or a lot of issues around sex - be up front about it, discuss it and let ME decide if it’s something I can deal with. Not go along with sex when you don’t want to, give me various reasons why things might be a problem. That is taking my choice away from me and then I am expected to find ways to circumnavigate the problem. It is selfish of a potential partner to do that to someone.

Thing is, Jsku, being compatible is important in the long term - people often make the mistake in the first flush of love/attraction that they can compromise on things like mismatched sex-drives. As years go by, it doesn't evaporate as an issue, tho.

There's nothing wrong with having dealbreakers, it's a case of knowing yourself and your own needs. You shouldn't try to ignore what's important to you for the sake of a burgeoning relationship with someone.

I don't have a problem with someone finding the sex unsatisfactory walking away from a potential relationship. That's their decision, they're not obliged to work on it. Them's the breaks.

It is a feminist issue in that women are often expected to do the emotional hard-lifting and give men lots of chances, whereas men are rarely under the same social pressure to compromise or "work at it".

This is not at all about orgasms. I too sometimes need time to get used to a partner. I said from post 1 this is not the goal or be all and end all. This is about being honest and open with someone about your sexual issues. The issue was that I felt like he kept having sex with me when he didn’t want to, kept losing his erection and making me feel like I was doing something wrong. I felt like hugely dissatisfied because I didn’t know what it was or wasn’t I was doing, then we would both stop the sex because it killed the mood.

He then gave me 2 explanations about what the issue was, still leaving me thinking WTF do I do now? If it’s a medical reason and you never go to the doctors then this is it for us forever. This is what sex will be like, both feeling awkward and uncomfortable. If it’s psychological then I now need to invest all this time and energy into overcoming this huge barrier with someone I am not yet in love with, don’t know if it will ever actually work out and last. It’s an ask of me. I have my own life too

So in my situation with 1. Needs more time and 2. Alleged foreskin problem (pain? Don’t know. No sensitivity? Don’t know) I am supposed to buy a vibrator and we just massage one another hoping for the best one day?

I honestly doubt a decent man would feel comfortable having sex with a woman he worried didn’t actually want to. I started to feel like a sexual predator. I find him attractive. My body and mind wants to be naked with him.

I stopped initiating sex with him immediately and tried to talk to him about it. I honestly do not think he needs a circumcision. I changed some of the things I was doing and that has helped but I do expect some effort back from him.