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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why has he not mentioned his girlfriend?

73 replies

Lara2015 · 19/10/2018 13:35

Hello Ladies,

Some impartial advice needed! I just moved towns to start a new job, so I don’t know many people. Anyway I hit it off straight away with a guy I worked with, loads of chemistry and compatibility etc. He mentioned very specific things we should do together, even offered dinner and drinks, and we’ve booked concert tickets for next month.

Now for the kicker...
I have been snooping on social media, and the same girl seems to pop up a lot, I highly suspect he’s in a long distance relationship which he hasn’t told me about. What’s the deal with that? I don’t have definitive evidence, but surely you’d mention a significant other early on (especially if you were into them).

Advice needed. I really like him, but can’t shake off this nagging doubt of a girlfriend in the wings!

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 19/10/2018 13:39

What do you think the deal is? Hmm Pretty obvious isn't it?

He wouldn't be the first person to be unfaithful.

ZigZagZebras · 19/10/2018 13:42

Does it not say if he's in a relationship on his or her profile?
Unless there's something more obvious then just being in photos a lot doesn't mean anything, she could be an old friend, a cousin or sister etc.

pinkandstripey · 19/10/2018 13:43

Ask him? Friend request him first and see if he accepts - if he doesn't, dump immediately. If he accepts, then you can legitimately notice this friend of his and ask him.

Could be his sister, best friend, cousin..... or he's a sleazy scum bag.

ZigZagZebras · 19/10/2018 13:43

Or he could have recently broken up with her.

Original poster
Lara2015 · 19/10/2018 13:50

Obviously have considered the scum bag option, but wouldn’t that be stupid if you work together? Cheat, but not with a direct colleague.

Last photo I found of them together was taken 2 weeks ago...

OP posts:
huttub · 19/10/2018 13:53

Try to ask him if he's dating...talk about your ex bf and see if he volunteers any info.

Original poster
Lara2015 · 19/10/2018 13:58

Done both of those. Was leaving work the other day, he looked at his watch. I said ‘late for a date?’ he said he was meeting someone but it wasn’t a date.

Also bought up my exes on two occasions, and he kept quiet.

If he has a girlfriend, he is deliberately hiding it from me...

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2018 14:01

But you're not in a relationship with this guy, right? or am I misunderstanding things?

Original poster
Lara2015 · 19/10/2018 14:06

No, no relationship. But he keeps mentioning date like activities, and now we’ve booked tickets to a concert next month.

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2018 14:08

Or it could be just going out with a member of the opposite sex to do something you both like??!!

Sallygoroundthemoon · 19/10/2018 14:11

I'd ask him straight out if he's in a relationship. You aren't dating so he might just see you as a friend.

dirtybadger · 19/10/2018 14:30

Maybe just say you want to double check his girlfriend is alright with you going out alone. He will either say yes (in which case you're a friend And if he makes any moves tell him to F off) or he will say he doesn't have one (in which case maybe add him on FB And suss out further if you think he is lying, but maybe it's just a close friend or relative)

yetmorecrap · 19/10/2018 14:34

Is her page public? If so check it out but I’m presuming you have done that

DontCallMeDaisy · 19/10/2018 14:36

Definitely, add him on Facebook! Why wouldn't you? If it's someone you've developed a friendship with at work, it's a normal thing to do, especially if you're going to a concert together! Same if you're developing a flirtation - unless of course one you is hiding something...?

If he does accept your friend request, ask him if his girlfriend minds him going to a concert with the new girl at work?

Rebecca36 · 19/10/2018 14:49

Just be friends with him for now. See how it goes. The girl on social media may be just an old friend but you'll find out if she is more than that. However no reason to get heavy too soon, be a free agent and enjoy his company.

Original poster
Lara2015 · 19/10/2018 14:52

If my boyfriend was going to a concert with a new girl from work, I wouldn’t be very happy. To keep it firmly friends, he’d have to mention his girlfriend early on to set the boundaries if the friendship we’re to go ahead. Or am I missing something?

He’s difficult to find on FB, would definitively show I’ve been snooping if I friended him!

OP posts:
ogglet · 19/10/2018 15:21

Really simple answer here.... just ask him?

another20 · 19/10/2018 15:26

Do you want to be in a relationship with him - or just friends?

Aprilislonggone · 19/10/2018 15:26

Sister? My ds is always in bother with new gf's for being seen with my dd...

userxx · 19/10/2018 15:47

Might be keeping his options open. I'd just ask him.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2018 15:53

Seriously, this is really easy. Grow up, have a simple adult conversation with him about whether you are a) going on a date or not or b) whether he's single or not.

And stop the crazy facebook stalking - that way insanity lies.

OutPinked · 19/10/2018 17:33

I went on one date with a man off Tinder a few years back who added me on FB. His status on there said single and his profile pic was just of him but he had lots of photos with one woman in particular. I didn’t actually suspect anything because, as I said, we met on tinder and he hadn’t hesistated to add me on social media so I doubted he had anything to hide.

She messaged me distraught the day after our first date to explain she was his long term GF. I was mortified.

Ask him outright if he is in a relationship. I would be tempted to add him on FB in all honesty to snoop further.

MMmomDD · 19/10/2018 18:08

OP - you are going to appear stalkerish if you are going to be quizzing him based on your social media snooping.
You just met. He is so far being friendly to a person who just moved to town...
Concert is a while away.

Since you aren’t yet picking your wedding cake yet - I think you can chill a little and see how it all goes.

category12 · 19/10/2018 18:34

Have you actually straight out asked him?

Penguinsetpandas · 19/10/2018 18:43

Maybe just keeping his options open.

Men do cheat at work though, its prime cheating ground so I wouldn't rule out cheating on those grounds though as you aren't in a relationship yet its not cheating.

If it looks like you are going to get in one then ask him if he has a girlfriend.