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Original poster

Why has he not mentioned his girlfriend?

73 replies

Lara2015 · 19/10/2018 13:35

Hello Ladies,

Some impartial advice needed! I just moved towns to start a new job, so I don’t know many people. Anyway I hit it off straight away with a guy I worked with, loads of chemistry and compatibility etc. He mentioned very specific things we should do together, even offered dinner and drinks, and we’ve booked concert tickets for next month.

Now for the kicker...
I have been snooping on social media, and the same girl seems to pop up a lot, I highly suspect he’s in a long distance relationship which he hasn’t told me about. What’s the deal with that? I don’t have definitive evidence, but surely you’d mention a significant other early on (especially if you were into them).

Advice needed. I really like him, but can’t shake off this nagging doubt of a girlfriend in the wings!

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 19/10/2018 19:20

Ah this is familiar to me. I'm friends with a guy who hasn't told me he has a gf (but I know he has) and I do wonder why. I did like him a long while but past that (sort of) now. Think I'm probably a 'back up' in his eyes...but I'm no one's back up 😁

Original poster
Lara2015 · 20/10/2018 07:00

I really want to be able to take this approach, seems the most logical and low maintenance way.

However, we have been spending a lot of time together, and I feel like we have connected at a far deeper level than just friends.

I might just come out with it this week, and point out that maybe the concert isn’t entirely appropriate if he’s in a relationship? Could be the girlfriend is fizzling out anyway. You never know...

OP posts:
Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 07:25

I think you are possibly over thinking it. Planning a trip to a concert a month away is something friends would do. I don’t have lots of male friends now, but when I was in my 30s I had quite a few male friends that I went to dinner and shows with. The first time one of them, a work colleague, suggested we do something it did no occur to me to think it was a date, we had an established work friendship already.

Anyway I think you need to be a grown up, stop stalking, accept it at face value or if you really can’t, just ask him.

Mumteedum · 20/10/2018 08:06

I have a work colleague /friend who I always thought was single. Nothing would happen between us but there was a bit of flirtation or at least mixed messages from him to me. This wasn't long after my marriage had ended so I was keeping the hell away from any relationship, but kind of enjoyed feeling like maybe he thought I was attractive. Anyway, skip forward two years and he will brings his very long term girlfriend to an event, having never mentioned her existence! He still barely mentions her.

I don't think he's a cheat, but just someone who enjoys flirting, is a bit insecure and needs the ego boost perhaps and compartmentalises his life a lot. That said, we never saw each other socially for more than coffee.

ciderhouserules · 20/10/2018 09:17

I used to work with a guy, late 50s, acted like a single guy all the way - think pub visits with friends, quiz nights with his 'team', weekends away with cousins, tennis club, flying club, football .... we went for drinks once a month or so after work and he would suggest weekends away in exotic locations (Worked in travel). Never once mentioned any 'commitments'. Nothing on his FB.

I worked in the office and had to update his Next-of-Kin form, which showed his NoK to be his wife....Grin

It was a game. He was quite serious about getting a weekend away Hmm but happy enough in his marriage too. Hmm

Original poster
Lara2015 · 02/11/2018 03:33

OK, so a little bit of an update. The boy invited me out for Halloween with some other friends of his, was super fun and we got on so well. Anyway he pretty much told me he was single! Nothing much happened, it’s was insanely busy and it wasn’t really a date, but we totally connected.

So, I guess the approach now is to relax and have fun. Concert is in a couple of weeks, which I guess could be taken as a date depending on how it goes.

So, watch this space...

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaybunny · 02/11/2018 03:44

Hmmm sounds like a hidden girlfriend imo OP. Perhaps he’s the ‘has his cake and eats it type’. I had a similar thing happen to me, turned out he was married and unfortunately I found out months later at which point I’d developed very strong feelings for him. My ex hid his life very well on social media, no photos of his wife etc and oddly kept recreating Instagram and twitter profiles.

Could you ask him?

Original poster
Lara2015 · 02/11/2018 03:58

Really? He doesn’t seem the type. He didn’t letch on me or anything which he could have done. He also hailed me a taxi, and didn’t try get in it! He basically said something along the lines of ‘yeah moving to this city has been good being single’, and ‘girls I’ve dated locally have been XYZ (insert something disparaging)’. I took at as him wanting me to know he was single (and probably interested).

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 02/11/2018 04:11

Be careful . It could be that he's just being polite and chatty and including you as he knows what it's like to move to a new town too ?

AsleepAllDay · 02/11/2018 04:17

Some men don't disclose the gf because they like you to be on the hook

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2018 04:56

Glad you had a good time. Just be vigilant. Take it slow and see what you can find out.

Oysterbabe · 02/11/2018 06:46

I don't understand why you wouldn't ask him straight up whether he has a girlfriend. Isn't that just normal conversation?

Original poster
Lara2015 · 02/11/2018 06:48

No, because that’s very obvious if you ask. He as good as told me anyway!

OP posts:
lillylollylandy · 02/11/2018 07:02

Does he have a sister?

Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 07:11

"‘girls I’ve dated locally have been XYZ (insert something disparaging)’."

Be very wary of all men who talk shit about their exes. They tend to be very good at shifting the blame onto women and never taking responsibility for themselves.

ShatnersWig · 02/11/2018 08:10

This will not end well...

See you back here in a few weeks or months, OP.

Urchinella · 02/11/2018 08:26

Tell us what he called the women he dated, then posters will understand what type of man this is and be able to advise you better.

Original poster
Lara2015 · 02/11/2018 09:24

I said how the Instagram culture of today is really fake etc. And he said ‘yeah, a lot of the girls I dated here are really into that, and quite materialistic, it’s not good.’ and ‘this is a good city to be single in (with respect to going out), I’ve enjoyed it’ Back to being paranoid he’s got a hidden GF, and thinking I need to ask...

OP posts:
Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 10:27

But why is he dating 'materialistic' girls?

People attract what they put out. Every time. And then, frequently, bad mouth it.

My bet? He's 20 times shallower than any of those girls.

Seaweed42 · 02/11/2018 10:36

I'd be wary of someone who talks about women like the way you said "‘girls I’ve dated locally have been XYZ (insert something disparaging)". He sounds like a 'player'. That is, he likes to 'play' with people. He may have a girlfriend (or someone who thinks she's his girlfriend like you), or he may not. In work through the years, I've met plenty of men like the one you describe.
They may or may not have a little 'wifey' somewhere, but at work they like to play the International Playboy Man of Mystery. Wining, dining, flirting, chatting, going for drinks...but you never get to really know them. They get you to pour your heart out on drunken nights out but you rarely find out anything real about them.
As soon as anyone gets too close, she'll be dismissed as being (insert something disparaging here).

Joinourclub · 02/11/2018 10:42

Saying ‘this is a good city to be single in’ sounds more like he is trying to put you off than let you know he is interested!

MotherOfDragonite · 02/11/2018 10:42

Could she be a friend? One of my best friends is male and we would turn up on each other's social media and in pictures etc, but we're definitely not going out.

Can you just ask him if he's single? Might be clearer all round (whether he's single, and that you might be interested if he is!).

Kennycalmit · 02/11/2018 11:05

His words mean nothing. The city close to me was/is great to be single in and I would say that to anybody without thinking anything of it - despite being in a long term happy relationship!

I have no idea whether he’s single or not, OP. The only way you’ll find out is to ask him - why won’t/can’t you just do that??

But be very wary of men who slag off other women. That would put me off

Original poster
Lara2015 · 02/11/2018 11:06

Oh goodness, I just keep flip flopping from, this is all good fun, enjoy it, let it play out. To he’s dating loads of girls, I’m just another one to have fun with.

Getting my coworker to drop the question into conversation to find out. I read the comments about being single as a good thing, he was making a clear indication that he’s single, and thinks some of the girls he’s met are shallow, I.e. therefore he thinks I’m not, so he thinks I’m cool and worth dating.

OP posts:
hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 02/11/2018 11:35

If you connected and you feel close to him, why don't you just ask him?

He might have a gf, he might be single, he might be dating casually, he might be gay, he might be in an open relationship.

You are overthinking it. Just ask him.

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