Why has he not mentioned his girlfriend?

[Lara2015]

Hello Ladies,

Some impartial advice needed! I just moved towns to start a new job, so I don’t know many people. Anyway I hit it off straight away with a guy I worked with, loads of chemistry and compatibility etc. He mentioned very specific things we should do together, even offered dinner and drinks, and we’ve booked concert tickets for next month.

Now for the kicker...
I have been snooping on social media, and the same girl seems to pop up a lot, I highly suspect he’s in a long distance relationship which he hasn’t told me about. What’s the deal with that? I don’t have definitive evidence, but surely you’d mention a significant other early on (especially if you were into them).

Advice needed. I really like him, but can’t shake off this nagging doubt of a girlfriend in the wings!

My coworker is going to drop it into conversation next week.

I would keep him at arms length. He sounds shady. Do you want to be working with someone who made you his lastest fling?

The single comment is a bit weird. But maybe he was trying to let you know. I read it as he's telling you there are a lot of people to bang if you get on apps etc. Not sure what else he could mean. Where is a bad city to be single?

And he was trying to compliment you with the materialistic comment but only with a humble brag and putting down previous women. Bit to me but maybe he's just a bit poor at communicating if he is trying to hint he's single and likes you.

Guess you'll find out soon

Christ why wouldn’t you just ask

There’s so many ways you could do it

“So when was your last relationship”
“I never see you with a girl, do you have a girlfriend?”
“we’ve been spending quite a bit of time together, just wanted to check if you have a girlfriend?”
“That’s such a nice jumper, did yoir girlfriend buy it for you?”

"Good to be single here"

"Oh, I thought you had a girlfriend!".....perfect way in.

If he mentions being single again comment you didn't realise he was single.

Someone who can't simply ask someone else "so, are you single?" and has to get a colleague to "drop it into conversation next week" quite frankly shouldn't be dating. If you can't ask that, how the hell do you get through life asking about more important issues with a partner?

Your co-worker?

So, you guys are all on Y10 work experience, yeah?

Come on. Just speak to him. “Hey X, this concert on ... wanna make it a date?”

If you like him, ask him on a date. Don’t stalk around on fb and ask other people to drop hints.

You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me...

This is taken a negative vibe 😕 I’m out.

Thanks for all the positive notes though 🙂

OP Sorry you feel that way, but really, grown adults need to be able to talki about things and it does all sound very girls at school. I see you've also had this issue before, which suggests that it would be worth you trying to solve your problem with communication with the opposite sex so you don't find yourself asking this a third time next year.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2903132-Is-he-just-not-that-into-me?pg=1

I read the comments about being single as a good thing, he was making a clear indication that he’s single, and thinks some of the girls he’s met are shallow, I.e. therefore he thinks I’m not, so he thinks I’m cool and worth dating.

This reminds me of Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility. You are presuming a lot. He is giving hints and implications but is leaving you to finish his thoughts for him. He is leading this dynamic- you do not need to follow.

He has pounced on the new girl before you have had time to suss him out.

Why why why why do people get involved with work colleagues? Now you are the subject of office tittle tattle- getting your coworker involved (whom you don’t know that well either) will work against you, not for you.

I get being civil and participating in fellowship activities with colleagues. And he can point to this and claim all innocence of angling for anything further. Anything further will be approaching sexual harassment in the work place. You do not need to know about his private life.

Your gut feeling is there is someone else. Go with that. Assume it until it is proven otherwise.

Don’t shit where you eat. Don’t risk your paycheck for a relationship at work.

I remember years ago being friendly with a colleague at the law firm where I worked as a legal secretary (he was a case worker). I really got the vibe that he was interested, and we used to regularly chat together at office parties, meals out, or when getting a cuppa. Anyway, I then got the wrong end of the stick and thought he was engaged, so backed off whilst remaining friendly.

By the time I realised that he was in fact single, but definitely interested, I was going out with the man who then became my DH. So I wasn't available anymore. So he missed out by not speaking up, he was always very shy. (I'm not sorry it worked out the way it did, btw!)

My point is that if you don't clarify with him whether he's single or not, you could end up missing out. You don't have anything to lose by asking, then you'll know where you stand and can take it from there.

Don't know if you're still here, OP, but I'd always give a wide berth to the sort of man who says "Oh, other women are so shallow and materialistic, but you're not like that". As if I'm supposed to be flattered that he's decided not to extend his misogyny to me at that particular moment. Don't be the "cool girl" who lets him get away with that sort of crap.

I agree, Grace, with the added implications that you’d better not be shallow and materialistic around him.

@shatnerswig please stop bringing up people's past posts on their current thread. That's so rude.

Op I hope it works out for you. I understand it can be uncomfortable asking directly. Not everyone has the balls that some posters have. I have social anxiety so would find it hard to be so direct at times.

@Icestar That's your opinion. Mine is that if an OP has posted something almost identical in the past, it suggests it isn't just a one-off problem but something more deeply rooted, and therefore relevant to raise and address. Most people would give a different answer when there is a recurring pattern than to a one-off.

OK, so I thought this was worth an update to fill you all in.

I was asked out again for dinner and drinks, so I had enough and found a good segway (in a light-hearted way) to probe. Turns out he is seeing someone, it's long-distance, sounds like it's not serious and he admitted he's in denial about it which is why he doesn't openly call her his girlfriend.

Obviously I'm not very happy about it, but there it is. So I'm still up for hanging out (we get on really well and have a lot in common), but a line has been drawn for me, and he will be very aware of it.

I still think he's a decent guy, he still could've lied about the situation, but I also flip to realising none of this sounds good when it's on paper! So if there are any further developments, I'll keep you posted.

Oh and to add, I'm actually amazed how good my intuition is. This is the scenario I had in my head all along!

I guess it's women's intuition...

Glad you have got it sorted OP and thank you for the honest update

A mixture of his dropping hints and not being clear is more likely to mean he doesn't want to be clear. Remember taking about being single and thinking

He as good as told me anyway! Good for you for finding out. Onwards and upwards ...

he is seeing someone, it's long-distance, sounds like it's not serious and he admitted he's in denial about it which is why he doesn't openly call her his girlfriend

not sure yet he and she travel long distance to see each other????

nope, doesn't add up

Well he was sort of honest, I expect his long distance GF may be unaware that things between them aren't serious.

Good call OP.

The problem I have now is I don’t know whether to call off our social engagements? Not sure it feels right given the circumstances...

OFGS, if you saw him as a friend or social acquaintance then being friends wouldn't be an issue. It is as you fancy him and want more.

if he wanted to be single, he would be single
if he wanted to be with you, he would make it clear
he doesn't really want a friend, he either wants a friend with benefits or an ego trip.

All he little comments are sly. You are becoming that girl, his girlfriend will rightly have an issue with

Ýes, have to agree with pp - if this was just an innocent friendship there would be no problem with you spending time together. The fact that you're feeling like it's wrong tells you that it isn't all that innocent, at least not on his part. I suspect he has been less honest with his gf than he has with you, and if she was told that he didn't see their relationship as particularly serious, it would be news to her.

You don't really maintain a long distance relationship with someone you're not bothered about!