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Original poster

Discovery of husband's messages to another woman. Advice please.

52 replies

bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 09:39

I have been married for over 3O years. I discovered messages to another female including "miss you so much xxx" and several heart emojis., also a message hoping they can meet up soon. There were also many "are you there?" messages which clearly must have then been followed by a phone conversation as she says "yes" or "thumbs up".

In addition there were messages to another female (early 20s) whom he has met for a drink to support her in a new work venture including "you're such a lovely person" "you're worth it" and " thank you for a lovely evening" (no kisses here) - I find this a bit lechy/leery.

He denies any physical affair with the first woman. Initially said he was "just being nice" and then admitted he "confided in her" and they meet up for a drink after work sometimes. He has been protective of his phone for months and I now know he was speaking to the first woman in the summer when I asked to borrow his phone to make a call and he snatched it off me immediately afterwards. He has now cut off contact with her and vice versa.

I also discovered two of his "blue pills" missing in the summer - he said he had been using them "himself" to see if they worked. We have zero sex life and he got the pills to help with this - but we've not used them together.

He has worked away from home in the week for the last 10 years, whilst I am at home, also working and with two children (late teens now).

Your thoughts and advice please guys. Thank you x

OP posts:
whynot93 · 18/10/2018 09:53

Sadly it sounds all too common to me, my husband worked away and lived a double life for months! You need to do some more digging on the quite and I fear you'll find more evidence. So easy for partners working away to have their cake and eat it.

Adora10 · 18/10/2018 10:00

Yip he's been leading a double life; he's having an affair OP, it's pretty obvious, get him gone, show him a consequence, let him go text all the women he wants, he's gonna look pretty sad esp with the younger ones. You need to show him you are not tolerating his behaviour, he's full of bullshit, just being nice my arse.

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:05

Interesting, whynot93 - thanks. Are you still with your husband? How can i dig further? Any ideas?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2018 10:06

My thoughts are he's been cheating on you with possibly multiple women.

My advice is get your ducks in a row, gather all financial information, see a solicitor and divorce the fuck out of him. Keep quiet until then and gather as much evidence/screen shots as possible.

My mind boggles that so many men do this - if they want to shag around, why get married in the first place? So sorry this is happening to you. Flowers

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:10

Adora 10 - thanks - I just find it hard to believe his deceit!!! He says he is desperate to put this right and will be completely honest from now on.
Reckon it's deep breath time and say enough is enough but he pleading for another chance.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 18/10/2018 10:11

Sounds like he's having an affair with woman #1. Maybe not with #2 but he's being a bit lechy like you say so that might be more down to lack of opportunity than desire Hmm

"Miss you so much" with heart emojis? It's quite rare for people to become romantically involved and not to do anything sexual after multiple months. It's certainly more likely that they are than they aren't having a physical affair. You know they're having an emotional one- and you know he knew everything was inappropriate because he was hiding it.

If he had just confused in her and been speaking appropriately (albeit being over invested) he wouldn't have needed to have been half as secretive about it.

dirtybadger · 18/10/2018 10:12

Confided not confused*

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:16

Greenfingerswouldbehandy thanks as well. The worrying thing is the messages I saw (all others were deleted) were only over a period of 10 days and sickened me to core. He also messages a work colleague to say he was sorry she wasn't at the hotel to share a G and T and talks about a female player at the golf club "buying a short skirt" especially to play golf with his golf chum. Bleugh.

All this in 10 days and he's been away for 10 years in the week! He claims this string of messages is "not typical"....

OP posts:
Adora10 · 18/10/2018 10:16

Well he won't want the status quo changing OP, he's been having his cake for years, he's not going to give that up very easily; they are all sorry, all wanting another chance, if you give him one without any consequence, you will probably be back at square one in a year's time as he will revert to type. The trust is gone, you know deep down he's been deceiving you for years, not sure how you repair all that damage.

At least tell him to go to give you some space to let you think what YOU want, it's not all about him now is it. Words are cheap, let him show you by his actions, for one, I'd insist the working away stopped.

Adora10 · 18/10/2018 10:17

All this in 10 days and he's been away for 10 years in the week! He claims this string of messages is "not typical"....

You honestly believe the first time you find messages are the first time he's done anything like that in ten years working away, sorry I wouldn't.

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:20

dirtybadger yes my mind has gone through these thoughts but when challenged he just says he's sorry or tries to twist it saying he had no one else to talk to - our marriage has been crap for a while.

I should also say I have spoken to woman 1 and she also denies any thing physical was involved ....

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2018 10:21

He claims this string of messages is "not typical"....

Bullshit.

Do not fall for it, @bettertolightacandle please, you're better than this.

It's hard but don't give in to the wheedling/pleading vile little creature. Remember, he's only sorry because he's been caught. He's been doing this for years, I promise you.

Adora10 · 18/10/2018 10:22

Not sounding good, blaming you basically, what did he do to make your marriage better, his excuses are pretty shit; did you go and have an affair, talk to multiple men, get your kicks elsewhere and possibly shagged about, no.

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:23

Adona 10 you are completely right - I am just so shocked by this bare faced lying!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 18/10/2018 10:25

and they meet up for a drink after work sometimes

He's forgetting the sex afterwards, sorry OP but it's glaringly obvious he's been having an affair.

If he's not even honest and up front about his double life then I don't see how or why you should move on with him to anything; he's a absolute liar.

Kennycalmit · 18/10/2018 10:34

You don’t believe his lies about the blue pills do you?

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:37

Adona10 and GreenFingersWouldBeHandy no I don't ever even send one x if I need to message a male/colleague/contact! And yes, no doubt if he hadn't have been caught it would have continued.

OP posts:
whynot93 · 18/10/2018 10:42

I'm stuck here in this sorry mess for financial reasons but do have a plan at least.

I waited until he was on a flight.. cracked the email account, iCloud the lot. What I discovered are the things books are made of. Honestly you just couldn't make it up! Never did I think my wonderful husband would be such a liar and a cheat. I was totally floored..

I'm stronger now 9 months on and have ever prove of evidence I need and I'm playing the long game.

If you can't get in the phone does he have an iPad also? If you can get into that look at iCloud sharing and keychain passcodes I found all sorts in there and hacked away.

I'm so sorry hunni I wish to god I could be more positive but given my own awful experience I have no doubt there's a much bigger story to all this.

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 10:52

Kennycalmit - weli, I believed him at the time, but that was before I found the messages....
Whynot93 - so sorry to hear what you've been through and thanks - I am in shock too

OP posts:
peggyonabike · 18/10/2018 11:00

My ex DH also lived another life when he was abroad. Sadly, it wasn't only having sex with younger women, but he came out as a transvestite which he'd hidden from me all our (very long) married life!

Needless to say, trusting anyone again is extremely hard.

whynot93 · 18/10/2018 11:01

Oh I can sympathise with the shock of it all. I survived on coffee and calms for weeks!

The best advice I can give you is to remain calm and gather everything you can in evidence.. say nothing! Access to bank accounts spending the lot. Screen shoot anything you find. Hide all details you do find somewhere outside the house.

I know this is all a bit of a shock but you've 10 years of potential deceit to uncover

notapizzaeater · 18/10/2018 11:03

He's doing damage limitation - just admitting the min

whynot93 · 18/10/2018 11:03

@peggyonabike 😱 you may have just trumped me! Wholeheartedly agree on the trust front.. never again will I trust a living souls but myself.

Original poster
bettertolightacandle · 18/10/2018 12:15

Thanks, all of you and although it's awful it does make it easier to accept he's lying when I hear your stories.

Is there any point in trying to uncover more evidence? I think what I have seen is enough to justify the split.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2018 12:26

I think it's only worth it if you feel the need for full disclosure.

If you're ready to proceed with what you've got, then full steam ahead! (You may be saving yourself some additional heartache too).

Best of luck with it all, we are here if you need support and/or to vent.