Discovery of husband's messages to another woman. Advice please.

[bettertolightacandle]

I have been married for over 3O years. I discovered messages to another female including "miss you so much xxx" and several heart emojis., also a message hoping they can meet up soon. There were also many "are you there?" messages which clearly must have then been followed by a phone conversation as she says "yes" or "thumbs up".

In addition there were messages to another female (early 20s) whom he has met for a drink to support her in a new work venture including "you're such a lovely person" "you're worth it" and " thank you for a lovely evening" (no kisses here) - I find this a bit lechy/leery.

He denies any physical affair with the first woman. Initially said he was "just being nice" and then admitted he "confided in her" and they meet up for a drink after work sometimes. He has been protective of his phone for months and I now know he was speaking to the first woman in the summer when I asked to borrow his phone to make a call and he snatched it off me immediately afterwards. He has now cut off contact with her and vice versa.

I also discovered two of his "blue pills" missing in the summer - he said he had been using them "himself" to see if they worked. We have zero sex life and he got the pills to help with this - but we've not used them together.

He has worked away from home in the week for the last 10 years, whilst I am at home, also working and with two children (late teens now).

Your thoughts and advice please guys. Thank you x

Depends if you want to take him to the cleaners or not. I did and will when I have my plan straight.. I went to see an accountant and also a solicitor who both gave me good advice on where I stand. Hence the bank account evidence- if he's been leading a double life there could well be lots of hidden spending going on (money you've not seen anything of)! Pensions, savings, think logical as ultimately if you do split what you going to be left with.

@whynot93 that's really good advice. Sorry you're going through this too but sounds like you've got your plans sorted.

He says he is desperate to put this right and will be completely honest from now on

And what does this "putting it right" look like to him? Giving you full access to his phone? Allowing you to track it (bleurgh)? Arranging to be at home more? Or something else?

They're all sorry when found out, but you're right that it would have continued if you hadn't. Anyway, from bitter experience I know it's not even the original deceit which kills things - even if you tried to get over it - but the sheer lack of trust and respect in future

From your comment that the marriage has been crap for a while I'd honestly wonder if it was worth going through any more of this torment

I'll be fine @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I'm no fool and I'm out for full revenge financially. Just trying to give practical help to someone in the midst of shock (I remember that feeling and it's horrid). Also get yourself to the chemist for some sleeping tablets herbal or otherwise 🙌 I didn't sleep a wink for weeks in the end I begged the doctor pretty much to give me something to help me.

I just cannot fathom why these men do it. I just come to the conclusion they all just think with their dicks 😡
Get some fire in your belly woman and shoot a rocket right up his arse

Let me tell you one thing: you deserve so much more than that! Always remember that.

It doesn't matter what, how or when. A man doesn't say 'I miss you so much' to another woman without actually feeling it. And you deserve so much more than a man who invested emotionally into another woman. What you decide to do is up to you but you are worthy of someone who will be 100% dedicated to you and who will tell you straight up if he has feelings for someone else and wants to call it a day.

I thought I you have seen enough. Of course he will lie and act like it's only this as he knows it's all you know about. He's been getting away with it and now he's been found out. He has you and the kids at home. Everything as he likes it. Safe, comfortable.
Yes, he needs to go. Then he can chat to all the women/young girls he likes.
He has disrespected your marriage in the biggest way possible. Vows broken at his doing.

And if you have a daughter...imagine what advice you would give her. Follow that 💐

LTB. If you don’t he will know that you will tolerate multiple infidelities and disrespectful treatment.

If he is truly serious about wanting to remain in the relationship he should do as you ask and move out, separate, treat you well financially, do a fair share of parenting, and give you plenty of time and space.

What he actually wants may be to face no consequences and for you to “swallow the shit sandwich”

Hey all
I have made appointments with solicitors. He is refusing to move out - says I am throwing him out - well yeah. What the hell do you do if he won't budge and what to tell the children who both have exams in the summer?
Thanks for your advice.

Gawd. So he's a bully as well. When my h did this I said we need to sit around a table and explain to the kids what's going on or would you rather leave? Plus telling your parents too.
Why should you keep it all hidden and be complicit with him?
My h soon left. There's no doubt in my mind that he will have been up to no good for years. I know its hard but you do get over it and move on.

He thinks he can play you he really does. He is lying, minimising and gaslighting you. His only chance should have been coming clean about everything.
Took the blue pills for practising!! OMG. The bloody cheek.

My other thought is why does he have ED? Is he a porn user? I would be trawling through bank and phone records to see if this is the tip of an iceberg of entitlement. Including the possibility of sex workers while he worked away. You never know the full extent of what goes on,

@Feckers2018 thanks - hardening my heart

Hope you are ok OP. I know how awful it is

I am OK thanks because in some bizarre way I have proof of what I always suspected!

How are you doing op? I hope he left in a decent way.. somehow I doubt it tho? Xx

Hello all!
Update time. He admitted to sleeping with her x 2 after I had done some serious digging (found evidence of him staying in a hotel in her town of work). He claims the blue pills "didn't work". The woman has blocked me but I did manage to tell her husband. He got divorce papers today. Thanks to all posters - it helped. Rocky times ahead I know, but the trust has gone and I deserve better.

Sorry "he got divorce papers" = he = my OH
Other woman told her husband they had just met for a drink. Ha!
The sad outcome of this is to realise just how people lie straightfaced - I'm not perfect, but really....

Now that you know he definitely has cheated, I’d recommend you get an STI check at your nearest GUM clinic. Many venereal infections have few symptoms in women, and some can be life shortening, such as HIV and hepatitis.

Lord! He got divorce papers ready. Thats a first as it should have been you. You are so much better off without him. He will have been doing it for years. Yuk. Happened to me and it does take a while to get over it but you will get there

No no @Feckers2018 I served divorce papers on him.!!!!

And @Babdoc; yes - I have and am in the clear.

Glad that you haven’t caught anything nasty, OP! You’re being very sensible and organised in the way you’re tackling all this.
Be prepared thst you might have a bit of an emotional crash when the shock wears off and the reality of it hits you. I hope you’ve got some good support around you from family and friends, as well as all the people who are backing you on MN.

He says he is desperate to put this right and will be completely honest from now on
Yeah, mine was saying this while still lying about having sex with the 'friend' he met up with while working away. Same lame story as So many other cheating bastards have. So happy for you that you are moving on from him.

Well done OP,delighted you are not putting up with this.

Some hard days ahead but you'll come out stronger and happier.