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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New here and looking for advice please?

52 replies

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 09:07

Hi. I’m new here. I’m posting because i really need some advice about my crappy life! I will try keep this as short as poss.
I have been with my partner 8 years. We have a child together that has non verbal autism. About 3 months ago we went through a crappy time,he was spending a lot of the time in the pub and I was getting fed up as I was left on my own all the time. Well he left and stayed at his parents for a while which I didn’t want him to do as I wanted to sort things out instead of him running away but I thought a bit of time away might do us good. Well a few weeks into my partner staying with his parents there was a flirty message on my partners fb wall which my friend told me about so I asked him about it and of course it was all in my head and I was reading far to much into it. (I have never been the jealous type up untill this point)
Well after 6 weeks of him being away we sorted things out and he moved back in. I asked him again if anything went on and again he denied it so I left it.
Last week he came back after going out with a few drinks with his mates and for some reason I asked him again about this girl and he basically screwed up by admitting he they did message the once but only because she knows his parents and that’s all the message was about....yeah right! So I asked him if he’s really telling the truth then to show me his phone. Well of course he didn’t so I knew then. He just told me how much he loves me and all of that but I didn’t believe him and I asked for the truth from him as that is what I really wanted! He couldn’t and left!
So I messaged her and she messaged me back telling me everything,how it was just a one night stand and she knew about me but she didn’t care as she can sleep with who she likes and he messaged her asking her not to tell me but she thinks I should know.
Loads of things she was going on about really.
Well obviously he wants us to try again and he made a
Mistake as we weren’t getting on at the time and he’s so sorry all that crap! He will never speak to her again blah blah blah.
Thing is as stupid as this is I do still love him but I don’t know if I can get over this?? I’m so hurt as I wanted him to tell me the truth not her! I’ve only told one friend as I don’t want everyone to know. But she obviously hates him and I should never take him back which I do understand.
Would I be stupid to take him back ever??
Would like to hear what others would do please or any advice would be great!
Thank you for taking the time to read this!

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 17/10/2018 09:15

Well not only did he shag someone else when he was supposed to be sorting things out about you but he lied about it repeatedly.

Have you told him you've spoken to this woman?

cakecakecheese · 17/10/2018 09:16

Oh wait sorry I didn't read the OP correctly, so he knows you know and has begged forgiveness, has he understood how it's not just what he did it's the lies that make it worse?

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 09:19

Yes he knows. He asked her not to tell me but thank god she did. He just keeps saying he’s made one mistake and how sorry he is.
Tbh I had a gut feeling when I asked him 3 months ago. But with proof what could I do.
He just keeps txting all the time saying how he regretted it straight away but he’s going to say that.
I wanted him to tell me that’s what hurts me the most and I’ve Asked him why he didn’t and all he says is that he didn’t want to hurt me.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 17/10/2018 09:41

But it's not 'one mistake' really as the lies make it worse. Do you think you could get past this? It does seem like he's sorry but who's to say next time you have a spell where you're not getting on he won't do the same thing?

Would he go to councelling with you?

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 09:49

I haven’t asked about councelling tbh. Thing is I’ve said exactly the same thing as you,what if we go through a. Bad patch again how could I ever trust him not to do this again?
Up untill 3 months ago he never gave me any reason not to trust him. He says he should have spoken to me about how he felt instead of doing what he did. This other girl happily said to me she messaged him the next day as she wanted to carry on sleeping with him behind my back and he went off on her and didn’t reply so she didn’t chase him! I can’t believe it!
I probably have been distant lately as I also lost my younger brother at Xmas last year but since he’s cane back everything has been great and now all gone shit again because of the lies. Can anybody ever really forgive their partner for doing this and be able to have a great relationship I just don’t know? What makes it worse as I’ve always thought to myself that I would get rid of anyone that did this to me and here I am wondering if I can forgive him and give him a chance.
Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/10/2018 14:06

First thing that you need to do is get an STI check. That should bring the circumstances into sharp focus. He made that string of choices- looking at another woman in a sexual way, talking to her, flirting with her, touching her, and going all the way. He repeatedly chose to not stop himself, through each step of that process.

I’ve been on MN for years and years and the going philosophy, imho, is that if you take him back now, that is pretty much admitting that you accept this behavior. He will do it again, sooner or later, but eventually yes.

His remorse and regret are cheap lip service to avoid having to start again with someone else.

I know you didn’t ask about the following but since you are new here: some more stuff for you to think about.
You have been with him 8 years and are unmarried. You have a child with him and are still unmarried. How is your financial situation? Please say you have your own stream of income into your own account and you are contributing to your own pension plan. Are you on the house deed?

At this point, I would say marriage would be the only thing that would fix this as it would show his commitment, as well as give you the financial security that you and your child deserve- if you are unemployed stay at home parent. (And be clear, marriage would not sway a cheater one bit. It would just put you in a better position financially if/when you do split up for good.)

And I will say it before someone else does: if you would enter into a marriage thinking the above- then best not get married in the first place as divorces are expensive and difficult. Unless you have contributed substantially to his wealth, perhaps just cut your losses and end this relationship now, that is all the sooner you can find someone you can trust.

Flowers Sorry to hear you lost your brother.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2018 15:00

Can anybody ever really forgive their partner for doing this and be able to have a great relationship
Of course, lots of people do.
But it's a harder path and it takes time and a lot of work.

Cheating is a deal-breaker for me but it's not for everyone.

But you cannot expect to trust him and be over this straight away.
You cannot allow yourself or him, to just bury your heads.
You need some counselling to see if you can get past this.
Do not promise anything.
Take each day as it comes and see what happens.
Or end it. The choice it totally yours.

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 15:01

Firstly thank you for your advice. I went down to clinic last Friday to get checked as I knew I had too and he even said he knows I’ll be ok!! How does he know?? The house is in my name and I work part time and I have my own income. I’ve thrown him out since finding out as I need to be own my own to really think about what I’m going to do.

What really annoys me is she said she looked at my fb page and he was punching with me and I should go find someone else but she’s telling me she’s angry as she feels used! She should have thought about that but this isn’t her fault it’s my ex partners. It would be better for them to just be with eachother after what he did because at least what he did there was a reason for it,if you get what I mean??
Yes he can be sorry but only because he got caught out. He asked her not to say anything and she did. I don’t buy the whole crap that he didn’t want to hurt me.
He’s saying he loves me and wants our family together and how he will fight to get me back but I just don’t know?! I wish I didn’t love him anymore I really do.
Again thank you.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 17/10/2018 15:11

What was the timing of this? Was he at his parents and under the impression that you were "on a break" or was it while you were living together?

Tbh I'd be more concerned about his lack of parenting.

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 15:18

This was while he was at his parents. We were still talking and trying to sort things out.
I knew something had gone on and I asked 3 months ago but it was all in my head and I was looking for something that wasn’t happening. That’s why I left it. I asked him then and I’ve asked for the truth a few times as I wanted to hear the truth from him not her. I’m just one one of these people that needs the truth no matter how much it hurts.
Yes I totally agree with you about the parenting!! Something that has also been an issue. I know he finds our son hard as he has non verbal autism but our son is a lovely happy little boy.
I’m not one of these girls that will argue over a man! I said to him if he wants her he can and Ive told her the same she is welcome to him and I’m not going to even waste my time arguing with her or him.
I just wanted to know what other people would do as I’ve only spoke to one friend about this and obviously she wants me to get rid for good,which I totally get as I Woolf be saying the same.
This is why I’m confused I’m not if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 17/10/2018 15:21

So you fell out because he was absent. You wanted to sort it out, but he conveniently decided what you both needed was for him to be even more absent.

@notthefordtype I know you're not excusing it anyway, but hypothetically if he did contend they were "on a break"...It wasn't one OP wanted as she states she wanted him to stay and work it out. So if h left for the purpose of cheating and having a defence that's not much better (or for some people worse).

He doesn't sound very sorry. What angers me a lot about these situations is that the cheater is willing to lie to their partner for an extended period of time. That takes away their freedom of an informed choice,etc....but it is often a period where the cheated on partner comes to believe they are being jealous, paranoid, unreasonable....such a cruel thing to knowingly put someone through.

I wouldn't consider counselling until he shows some signs of pulling his weight at home, And shows true demise.

In fact I wouldn't consider it. I would be outta there. I would say what your friend probably says. But that is partly my personality and partly because I don't live in your specific circumstances so it's quite hard for me to imagine what I would do in those exact circumstances. The fact you have a house and your own income puts you in a much stronger position than a lot of people at least....you can take your time to decide on your next move

dirtybadger · 17/10/2018 15:22

X posted sorry

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 15:29

Dirtybadger this is what is really getting to me,the lies! I’ve asked him plenty of times and he always said it’s me going mad and because I lost my brother I’m not thinking straight!
I would rather have the truth then that way I can work with it and see what happens.
Yeah it was a one off as they both put it but that’s not the point!
Like I said I always thought I would be one of them that if anyone does do anything to me I’d be off straight away! I feel I’m being weak and stupid!!
He said he went to his partners as we needed time apart but I honestly didn’t want that! I wanted us to try sort things out.

Anyways thank you again ladies as I needed to know what others would do no matter how brutal the truth.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 17/10/2018 15:35

You poor thing Jayne. Horrible going through this, I remember the feeling well.

You've done the best thing kicking him out.

I personally don't think people can recover from a cheating episode. Not fully. I think getting back with someone who has cheated just sets the bar that it's okay to do it and eventually you'll take him back. He might not think it consciously but it'll be there sub-consciously.

Its not the OWs fault. It really is all his doing. He's not sorry he's done it. He's sorry he got caught.

I would be fucking angry at the fact he made you think you were going mad and being paranoid. I fucking hate that almost worse than the actual cheating. I find it more offensive in some ways - trying to get me to doubt my own feelings and intuition. I find very patriarchal and misogynistic. Like a "be quiet and keep your raging hormones in check woman".

You're in a v good place financially so you can definitely do this. It's a fucking scary step ending it but you've done the hardest part. It takes courage and bravery.

Get the ladies over and have a bottle of wine and a bitch about the horrible twunt he is. Surround yourself with the people who love you and look after yourself OP x

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 15:41

Thank you plink plink. That’s what I’m more angry about tbh! He’s made me think for 3 months I’m losing the plot! That I make things up in my head. I just wouldnt do that to anybody I cared about.
I know it isn’t her fault and I’m not blaming her at all! This is all his doing I know.
It’s just the constant txts how he I’ll never treat me like this again and hurt me and how much he loves me and wants our family together. (I have 2 other kids from
Previous relationship and he always treated them like his own)
I know you are all right and I really need the advice from people that don’t know myself and my ex so again thank you.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/10/2018 15:57

Op ,,he made a conscious thought out decision to sleep with this girl...he chose to do it ....then he lied.There is no respect for you or your child being shown.Could you ever trust him again? I know you are hurting and feeling sad and angry and confused and I am sorry but step back a second and if a friend was asking you the same I am pretty sure you would advise her against it.Really sorry you are going through this..I can't see this relationship working out cos all the sacrifices will be on your part,and I am sure the level of resentment you feel will make things worse not for him but for you and you so deserve better ....best wishes sent

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 16:32

Thank you everyone that’s taken the time to reply.
I know you are all right. I would never be able to trust him. Thing is he’s been caught out so he is going to be sorry, I know this.
He’s been slagging off the girl he slept with saying she’s this and that which isn’t what I want to hear. This is his fault and no body else’s.
Just hard as he’s still messaging and I have no idea what to say really.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 17/10/2018 16:45

Ask him to give you some space for a bit. Block his number temporarily and give yourself some headspace.

Don't promise him anything. Just say after a week or so, you'll sit down with him and talk. You can think about what you'll say and the reasons for your conclusion.

Thebluedog · 17/10/2018 16:58

Sorry you’re going through this OP Flowers

In one respect, I could forgive a drunken shag, if they came clean straight away and took responsibility for it and didn’t blame circumstances etc. But in this case it’s not just one shag (that you know about), it’s 3 monthe of lying and making out YOU were being unreasonable.

He’s only admitted what you already know, at no point has he ever taken responsibility for his actions and volunteered the information. If you hadn’t spoken to the OW you’d still be in the dark - that I couldn’t forgive. He’s not sorry, just sorry he got caught .

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 17:22

Hi all! Thank you so much again for all your advice.
I agree with you all. Yes I know it was only a one off but that’s the problem It’s the lies! And he messaged her asking her to lie to me as he says he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t buy that. Yes ok he’s fine what he’s done but am I wrong to expect the truth from him??
Like I’ve said I’m the whole 8 years I’ve had no reason to ever doubt him untill she put something on his fb wall 3 months ago.
Ive never been the the type to get jealous over anything!
He’s 39 so he’s not a young bloke that’s messed up.
He keeps apologising but I don’t want to hear how sorry he is.
A part of me wishes I never knew.... is that really stupid to say??

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 17/10/2018 17:30

What does he actually bring to your life OP?

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 17:32

We were so good! 3 months ago we had a rough patch but I found my brothers death really hard to cope with as we were so close.
We had a great relationship and tbh since he’s come back from his parents things have been great.....well untill I found out what he did.
Is it wrong to still love him but I also hate him?!

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 17/10/2018 17:50

Only you can decide, but

  • he isnt the best parent to your child
  • he was all over another girl within weeks of you taking a break
  • he was quite happy to deceive and lie to you about sleeping with someone else for as long as he could get away with it
  • In doing the above, he was potentially putting you at risk of developing an STI

If you can get over thesr things, fair play. BUT... there is the possibility he will take it as a sign of what he can get away with, and you will be back asking the same questions again in the future

Jayneport81 · 17/10/2018 18:05

Yes. Been to clinic and waiting for results. He says he knows I’ll be ok but that’s not the point. What if I’m not?? Can’t bear to deal with that tbh.
He keeps txting saying where he is and I don’t really care tbh. What’s done is done. It the bloody lies!!
He is useless with our son but our son really enjoys seeing him/playing with him but saying that I won’t give him another chance because if our son as he can still be in our sons life.
I just don’t know??
But thank you everyone for replying. Given me something to really think about and I needed this.

OP posts:
Rhiannon13 · 17/10/2018 18:11

He’s made me think for 3 months I’m losing the plot! That I make things up in my head.

This is abusive behaviour and this is why you absolutely should not consider taking him back.