New here and looking for advice please?

[Jayneport81]

Hi. I’m new here. I’m posting because i really need some advice about my crappy life! I will try keep this as short as poss.
I have been with my partner 8 years. We have a child together that has non verbal autism. About 3 months ago we went through a crappy time,he was spending a lot of the time in the pub and I was getting fed up as I was left on my own all the time. Well he left and stayed at his parents for a while which I didn’t want him to do as I wanted to sort things out instead of him running away but I thought a bit of time away might do us good. Well a few weeks into my partner staying with his parents there was a flirty message on my partners fb wall which my friend told me about so I asked him about it and of course it was all in my head and I was reading far to much into it. (I have never been the jealous type up untill this point)
Well after 6 weeks of him being away we sorted things out and he moved back in. I asked him again if anything went on and again he denied it so I left it.
Last week he came back after going out with a few drinks with his mates and for some reason I asked him again about this girl and he basically screwed up by admitting he they did message the once but only because she knows his parents and that’s all the message was about....yeah right! So I asked him if he’s really telling the truth then to show me his phone. Well of course he didn’t so I knew then. He just told me how much he loves me and all of that but I didn’t believe him and I asked for the truth from him as that is what I really wanted! He couldn’t and left!
So I messaged her and she messaged me back telling me everything,how it was just a one night stand and she knew about me but she didn’t care as she can sleep with who she likes and he messaged her asking her not to tell me but she thinks I should know.
Loads of things she was going on about really.
Well obviously he wants us to try again and he made a
Mistake as we weren’t getting on at the time and he’s so sorry all that crap! He will never speak to her again blah blah blah.
Thing is as stupid as this is I do still love him but I don’t know if I can get over this?? I’m so hurt as I wanted him to tell me the truth not her! I’ve only told one friend as I don’t want everyone to know. But she obviously hates him and I should never take him back which I do understand.
Would I be stupid to take him back ever??
Would like to hear what others would do please or any advice would be great!
Thank you for taking the time to read this!

You put two and two together but he wants you to think you are wrong based on your grief for your brother? That is true bastard territory. Unforgivable in my book.

it’s me going mad and because I lost my brother I’m not thinking straight!
This is even more unforgivable.
What a nasty piece of work.
Using your grief to cover up his cheating and making you feel like you were going mad when you needed support the most.
That, right there, would be the end for me.

And of course you can still love him but hate him.
It's an mix of emotions we all go through.
Confusing as hell. That's why you need some space to get your thoughts together.

for you. This is just so so crap!

Thank you to everyone that took the time to read my posts and give me some great advice. It’s what I really needed.
I’ve asked him to leave me alone. (He still isn’t going so) he keeps telling me where he is and sending me pics to prove that he’s at his parents and tbh I really don’t care!
I’ve come off fb as I had a message from the OW last night asking me if I can get my ex to contact her as she feels she needs an explanation as she feels used as he slept with her and never got in contact with her again! And again how sorry she was as she knew about me being with him but she did it as she thought that he would eventually want her!! Wtf??
Do I block him or is that childish as we do have a child together?

You can block him for now so you don't have deal with the messages.
Let him know and then when you need to make access arrangements you can unblock him.

I cannot believe the OW here!?
WTF????
Asking you for help in contacting him.
Just where is her head at.
I'm glad you took facebook down.

If you go back onto it though, make sure you block her.

Keep going OP.
You'll get there.

Yes i think that’s what I’m going to do. I still want him to see our son but yes I know it would be better to block him.
I don’t know what the OW is thinking?? I get she’s annoyed as he’s done what he done then been a coward and blocked her so she couldn’t get in contact,but that’s not my problem. Thing is she wants him she can have him! And I really mean that.
Thank you again.

OP he has completely disrespected you. Not only has he cheated when he should've been focused on repairing things with you and your little one, but he's also gone to this woman and asked her not to tell you... that's not a team or a partnership. That's completely underhanded and what do you think that looks like to the OW? It looks like he doesn't give a shit about you, or your feelings, or your relationship. And if you stay with him after this - you'll be disrespecting yourself. Don't do it and don't let him do it to you again.

A rough patch does not equate to leaving your partner as well as your autistic child, it was an excuse to go play the field with zero respect for you, I'd find that very hard to forgive.
He then carried on lying to you whilst getting his end away, no doubt has bullshitted the girl too as she seems overtly upset with him. Who goes to their parents anyway, what a bloody big child, very handy for him OP, leaving you to deal with your child and home.

You might give him another chance, but I'd not unless he showed me say over the next six months that i could actually trust him again.

I totally agree with you and this is why I joined as I need to hear others advice.
Yes going to his parents 3 months ago is very childish especially when I wanted him to stay and work through things but I thought by giving him space he would have realised how stupid he was being,obviously didn’t work as he had a one night stand and only cane back to me after what he had done.

It’s not really what he’s done it’s the way he’s made me feel for the past 3 months. Deep down I knew anyway I just didn’t have the proof.
OW probably is upset but she’s not my problem and nor is my ex partner.
Yes probably is silly of me as I have been asking myself if I can forgive him but I know deep down I can’t. It’s just hard when you have your ex txting and asking for forgiveness.

Just find it strange OW is so upset over a ONS, think he promised her a lot more or it went on more than once.

You may forgive in time but certainly not right now and make sure he suffers, he need to feel a consequence, too many men get a slap on the wrist and then the woman is back on here in a couple of years time with the same issue!

Yes is strange. I’ve got proof that it did just happen the once as she sent me all their messages. I know they were talking for 2 weeks b4 he took her out on a date and yes he was promising her a lot of things even b4 he took her out. He was just saying how he’s looking for a long term relationship and doesn’t want anything other than that. Bullshit!!
She wants to speak to him then she should sort that out herself but on the other hand she’s saying she got someone else and is really happy with him. All messed up I know! That’s why I’ve removed myself of fb as I really can’t be bothered with this all.
He’s asked to meet a few times but I can’t being myself to do it! Tbh I want to punch him in the face but what’s the point?!
I know myself and our child would be better off without him I really do.
My friend says once a cheat always a cheat! Maybe she’s right.

You're friend is definitely right OP. She cares about you and only wants the best for you - as a friend should. If roles were reversed... what would you be telling her. Engaging in conversation with the OW, reading their messages and trying to talk to your dickhead ex about your relationship is a waste of time and unhealthy. I think you need to cut all of that out your life - delete the messages, block the OW and let your ex know that if he wants to talk to you it can be about visitation rights for your little one and that's it. Focus on you and your child. You need to be taking care of your body and your mind right now. Tell people! Don't feel embarrassed about it or try to protect him - I bet you will be surprised at how many people step up to help you out and you'll need it over the next few months x

I think you’re right. Maybe I need to start telling my other friends/family. I find this really embarrassing and that is why I haven’t told more people.
Im off fb but if I decide to go in again then I will block her and the ex.
I know I need to block him also but I don’t want to come across as childish,but I know it’s something I have to do for myself. I personally think I’ve heard and read enough that I don’t want to know anymore.
I need to move on.
Thank you again for all your advice.

Don't believe once a cheat always a cheat but I guess you know him, we don't; I think everyone is entitled to another chance but they have to do a lot to prove they are worth it, words are cheap, easy for your friend to say that OP, if she was in your shoes she may be thinking exactly like you.

I do get my friend trying to help me and appreciate everything’s she is saying/helping with.
Think that’s why I’m finding this so tough as I always thought I would never stand for this and here I am past few days been wondering if I could ever try forgive him.
I need to have no contact with the ex for a while I think.

I still think you should take these steps to protect yourself and prove your self-respect. You'll feel better for it. No one knows what the future will bring... if your ex proves he is genuinely remorseful and you eventually start to see past the betrayal and anger then maybe things will work out... but that's a big maybe! I think right now you need to take actions which show you won't put up with this bullshit from him or anyone. You shouldn't be embarrassed about anything, this is all on him. And blocking people isn't childish, sometimes it's necessary for self-preservation.

Whatever you decide, I hope you get the support you need from the people that love you x

I'd wonder if they thought you might forgive a ONS, so are trying to make it look like that.

My ex used his mother's death as a cover story, saying that he was contacting OW to talk about it as her mother had gone through something similar. So I was being nasty by suspecting anything else, and was trying to stop him from processing his mother's death by telling him to stop contacting her.

It shows just how devoid of empathy and feelings he is, cold-heartedly using something like that to get a bit of extramarital sex. Making his partner, who's supposed to be his best friend, feel bad about herself so that she won't ask questions, hurting her for his own personal gain.

Yeah sorry don't mean to make it worse for you but I reckon the concocted the ONS story also, I think it was more than that, she'd not be acting this way otherwise.

I know I can’t forgive a ONS. Tbh I don’t need to know anymore. Would have been a lot better if he just got with her as it would make all this crap worth it,if you know what I mean.
He’s used my brothers death for the past 3 months to make out I’m crazy and I actually did think to myself it must be me! Maybe I was thinking silly stuff because of my grief!
Like I’ve said up untill 3 months a go he has never given me a reason to not trust him and he’s been like a dad to my other 2 older kids,that’s making it harder as I’m keeping them from knowing as they don’t need to know but they think he’s great!
Thing is i get people have affairs/sleep with other people behind their partners back but surely if they are prepared to do that then surely they have to be prepared for the crap that will come their way?
Personally I would never ever get with anyone that was in a relationship but I also know there’s loads that do.
Do you all think I should see if there’s more to this or leave it?

Ravenmum sorry to hear you ex was also a dick!

I think you should do whatever you feel will help you most. If you feel like knowing all the answers will help you to move on and not obsess over it then you could try to get them. It means your beholden to two low life's for that information though and puts you at a bit of a disadvantage in trying to get it.

Or if you feel like it would stop you from healing and focusing on positive things then you should accept that you may never know the truth from this liar & stranger and what you do know is enough for you to walk away (with your head high!)

I find this really embarrassing and that is why I haven’t told more people
It's weird isn't it?
We all do this... WHY???
We've done nothing bloody wrong.
We have nothing at all to be embarrassed about.
Don't keep his dirty secret.
That was my biggest regret.

I think it's this "airing your dirty laundry in public" thing. I was so furious that I went ahead and told all and sundry at first. It was nice in that I got support, but a few people (that I didn't know as well) were judgy too, and after a while I felt a bit embarrassed about having potentially sounded bitter.

^I find this really embarrassing and that is why I haven’t told more people"
"It's weird isn't it?"
"We all do this... WHY??"
Because a bunch of handmaidens on here will take you to "take the higher road"
fuck that, I'm afraid.
We live in a world of insta reactions, blog piece take downs and other associated bullshit
When I was 15 I longed to be a journo. Or at least involved in the data analysis.
I soon learned where the true accolades went. At least I wouldn't be wheeled out on demand to tell some random groper he was being honoured.
OBVIOUSLY by the 90s i'd been sexually assaulted hundreds of times (yes literally, our family were shit)
None of our sexual assaulters were sporty, so we deveoloped a love of sports. It would have been so great, if we had only been sporty.

Hi Op. You sound so strong. We are all proud of you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I lost mine 13 years ago but it's still very painful. I was a teen when I lost him.

What stood out from your post is that he used your mental state from your brother's death as a cover for his infidelity. That is sickening quite frankly. That is the bit that I could never get over. That part would have been the end for me, once I knew the truth.

How dare he use your brother's death as a cover for his vile lies? If my partner did that to me, that would be it no going back.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He couldn't even support you throughout your darkest days.

Hello! Firstly I want to say a huge thank you to everyone that took the time to give me advice. I really do appreciate it.

Update- I don’t want to find out if there has been more to this,I just feel that for myself and children I need to get over this and move on. Some of you may think that’s stupid? I don’t know? Maybe I am?

He’s having our son tomorrow as I still want him to be in our sons life and luckily I suppose because our son has non verbal autism I don’t think he knows what’s going on so at least all this crap isnt getting to him.
ICESTAR- thank you for your reply. I’m very sorry to hear you lost your brother. I know what the pain is like,trust me! Your right and that’s what does hurt the most he used my brothers death as a way of saying I lost my mind and that is what I can’t forgive! What he’s done with OW i don’t realky care about its how he made me feel to cover up his lies is what hurts. But saying that I will get there!
Thank you all again.

You are amazing op. You sound stronger already. You know you can do this. You have all of us behind you. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. Thanks for the comment on my brother. It's a pain I never want anyone to experience ever. you deserve the world. Onwards and upwards. X