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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife's friend.

66 replies

Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 18:34

My wife recently had an affair with a female friend of hers.

She says the affair is over but they will remain friends.
I'm worried because they regularly exchange messages such as:

"I love your eyes." "Seeing you makes me smile inside" "I love you so much" "I'm thinking about you constantly" "the thought of you keeps me alive"

These are just the things I've happened to catch sight of since the affair ended.
My wife says this is normal among female friends but that's bullshit, isn't it?

Do any women here regularly talk to their friends like this?

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2018 18:35

I think I am on your other thread. In order to regain your self respect (and marriage) this friendship must end.

Angelf1sh · 16/10/2018 18:36

That affair hasn’t ended, of course friends don’t say that to each other.

dirtybadger · 16/10/2018 18:37

No that isn't how women talk to each other.

Your wife is still having an affair.

MsOliphant · 16/10/2018 18:37

Oh come on.

Do you really need to ask if that’s how a woman might talk to their platonic friend?

babygoose48 · 16/10/2018 18:40

Oh dear, how dreadful for you. No it hasn’t ended and that’s not normal behaviour. Even if they aren’t having sexual relations, this is still crossing the boundaries in to an emotional affair.

sorry OP Sad

QuitMoaning · 16/10/2018 18:42

I am very close to a female friend and we have said if we were gay, we would be together, but neither of us are so will never happen.

But we are very close and the only phrase in your post that we say to each other is that we love each other (but as friends, not romantically). If I received any of the other phrases I would assume she is mucking about and respond in an equally stupid manner. They are not normal phrases for women to use to each other.

GallusKat · 16/10/2018 18:45

I'm so sorry this has and still is happening to you.

In my opinion your OH is taking the piss. I'd be giving her an ultimatum.

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 16/10/2018 18:47

Whilst I would tell a close female friend that I love her the rest of it would only be said in an intimate romantic relationship.

She is still having an affair. You need to decide where your boundaries are.

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 18:48

PersonaNonGarter - yes, you are on my other thread.

I know. I just love my wife so much I really want to believe her.
She thinks her friend is suicidal and that she'll do something awful if she ends the friendship. (I've not asked her to end the friendship but I've said I find it damaging to our relationship)
I didn't want to put her in that position.

OP posts:
FawnDrench · 16/10/2018 18:54

Blatant emotional blackmail from your wife saying that - as I'm sure you must realise.

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 19:00

The friend does have a history of self harm and one of the (many) favours I've done for her is collect her antidepressants from the chemist so it is possible. My wife has also been very agitated some nights (since I spoke to her about the affair) and told me she was worried and had to go check on the friend, returning 5 minutes later.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 16/10/2018 19:30

Your wife's lover's mental health problems are none of your concern. This is typical emotional blackmail and blame shifting. If your wife hadn't wanted to damage her "friends" mental state she shouldn't have started an affair with her.

I strongly suggest you start setting some hard boundaries and if your wife doesn't abide by them then ask her to leave.

Honeyroar · 16/10/2018 20:37

Your wife doesn't seem to care whether she affects your mental health though, does she?

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 21:46

I guess she thinks I'm more resilient than her friend, though she knows I've had a couple of anxiety attacks since finding out.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 16/10/2018 21:53

Your wife is making a fool out of you. Shame on her for saying her friend is suicidal to make you feel guilty.

Your wife is a horrible person

DancingForTheDog · 16/10/2018 21:57

If your wife had had an affair with a male friend, would you feel the same? Would you be happy for her to be running to him, sending him messages like that? Of course you wouldn't, no sane person would, so what's the difference?

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:11

As I said, she claims this is just how close female friends are sometimes. She says it was the same between her and 2 other friends in high-school (though she said she did have "teenage girl experiment" sexual encounters with one of them).
Again, I don't know if this is usual. You hear stories about 75% of teenage girls do experiment with their friends.

I know male/female friendships aren't like that. But I hoped female friendships could sometimes be.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 16/10/2018 22:41

You're making excuses for her! Everyone on here has said it's not normal.

She doesn't think you're more resilient, she just cares more about her friend and she thinks she can tell you anything and you'll suck it up.

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 22:47

Sorry, I'm just giving the arguments she's used to me. I really want to believe her. I can see that she's hurting in all of this too and I don't want to hurt her more but I do agree with much of what has been said here.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/10/2018 22:50

Maybe you should take a lover too if you dont want to leave her for it. Shes taking you for a mug.

MilesHuntsWig · 16/10/2018 22:51

Horrible situation. That's not normal, if your wife is genuinely concerned about her friend she needs to encourage her to get proper support... not whatever this is. Call her on this. It's either over and her friend gets the support she needs and she respects you as her partner, or it's not and you need to have a different conversation.

subspace · 16/10/2018 22:53

You hear stories about 75% of teenage girls do experiment with their friends.

Where on earth do you hear those type of stories? Confused

Veterinari · 16/10/2018 22:53

Your wife is cheating on you (sex of her affair partner is irrelevant)
Your wife is prioritising someone else’s Emotional needs over your marriage.

Your marriage is a sham
Look after yourself

Original poster
Robadobdob · 16/10/2018 23:06

Branleuse
Aye, like that's going to happen. Part of the reason I'm scared to leave is I know I'd never meet someone else.

Subspace
I don't remember exactly. Lesbian lifestyle magazines possiblyHmm

You're comments are really helping me. I do think I need to ask her to end her friendship.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 16/10/2018 23:15

You will meet someone else, someone who values you and treats you with respect