My wife's friend.

[Robadobdob]

My wife recently had an affair with a female friend of hers.

She says the affair is over but they will remain friends.
I'm worried because they regularly exchange messages such as:

"I love your eyes." "Seeing you makes me smile inside" "I love you so much" "I'm thinking about you constantly" "the thought of you keeps me alive"

These are just the things I've happened to catch sight of since the affair ended.
My wife says this is normal among female friends but that's bullshit, isn't it?

Do any women here regularly talk to their friends like this?

Ah I see. Sorry misunderstood about who had sent what to whom.

Well that makes it more complex. The friend is responsible for her own relationship. Does the friend not have any other support network?

Sorry, I just lumped the messages all in together and didn't make it clear who'd sent what.

Not really. The friend's partner was very controlling and wouldn't allow her to go out or have friends. She met my wife through my wife's work.

Though the partner is now gone she's still not, as far as I can tell, made much of an effort to make other friends beyond my wife.
Her family all live away too. I don't think they get along very well regardless.

Would it be a kind gesture to give her a MH coping pack, with help lines and local support groups, at the same time as telling my wife I didn't want them to communicate anymore. Or would it seem sarcastic and cruel?

I don't think you should give your wife an ultimatum. That way you will be the bad guy making her dump her 'friend' when she needs her most.

I think you should file for divorce and tell your wife your marriage is over as she has zero respect, love or care for you.

You deserve better.

Even if you don't find someone else it is better to be alone than to be treated like shit and hurt all the time by the person who is supposed to love you and care for you the most.

You don't think I'd be the bad guy just going without giving her the chance to redeem herself?

I think that an ultimatum is all you are left with if you want to try and save your marriage. If you get cast as the bad guy then you know that you'll have to get the divorce papers ready. I'd recommend seeing a solicitor before confronting your wife.

Would you be as accommodating with the friendship continuing if the affair had been with a bloke? If the answer is no then I think you have your answer - she needs to support the rebuilding of your marriage by putting distance between her and this friend.

There is a huge difference between her openly providing support for her friend and the flirting you've described.

If she was saying that to a man you’d be sure she was having an affair. She’s having an affair. The gender is irrelevant.

You have given her a chance.

She pissed all over that staying in contact, getting upset if she couldn't go to see her and sending her lovely dovey messages.

LellyMcKelly
So you believe it is an affair despite the lack of sex or do you believe they are still sleeping together?

magoria
You think that she should have ended contact as soon as I found out and without my asking?

Yes, if she wanted to continue a relationship with you she should not have continued a relationship with her.

Unless you have agreed an open marriage.

OK.
I agree.

I'm wondering if it would be a kind gesture to get a mental health support pack ready to give to her friend or if this would seem cruel?

Personally I wouldn't give a mental health advice pack, mainly because you are not the confidante here, your wife is, so you are a remove away from this woman's problems, if anyone was to provide this information it should be your wife, perhaps as a parting 'gift' to her as she steps away from her to invest herself in your marriage.

You do not owe this woman, or her mental health issues, anything.

You sound like a very kind and self-deprecating man, and it sounds like it's beginning to be your downfall. I think you're only options here are an ultimatum, or a straight goodbye...

OK. I've compiled a list of phone numbers, websites and local mental health support groups that I can give to my wife and leave it for her to decide what she does with it.
I hope it makes her feel more comfortable about ending the friendship.

I know I don't owe the friend anything but I did encourage her and help her in leaving her partner. And now I'm trying to take away the biggest source of support she's got.

Thank you IDrinkAndISewThings, I always try to be honourable and give people the benefit of the doubt. Probably why I'm here hoping to be proved wrong.

@Robadobdob Please try and stop saying you are taking her biggest source of support away. There are 3 adults involved in this. All were friends. 2 were married. 2 helped out their friend. 1 betrayed their marriage vow. 1 betrayed their friend's trust. 1 has continued to support their wife and friend despite their hurt at the other 2's action. I think your numbers look good here!

You are having to ask your wife to stop seeing the other woman because their are still flirting. If your wife wants to stay in the marriage she is choosing this not you as she is unable to act appropriately with this friend and just support her. If her friend is that ill it really doesn't say much I'm afraid for your wife I think that she is still confusing her by flirting.

its normal amongst straight females which your wife clearly is not. divorce her shes a cheat and not worth your life

@Belina

The messages are normal for straight women? I don't imagine there's a difference between friendships across sexual preference. My friendships with gay men are no different than my friendships with straight. Nor my friendships with lesbians and those with straight women.

My wife is not straight, we already established that she's bisexual. Or lesbian with exceptions, maybe.

@nwqm
I'll stop trying to think that way. The friend did tend to ask for my wife's help a lot and my wife continues to say she is her friend's only support but I do think the friend is playing it up to keep a hold on my wife.
You're right that she is capable of coming through this alone far easier than my marriage is with her around.
I do feel guilty regardless though. Not least as as much as I sometimes hate her friend I know if she struggles my wife will be heartbroken.