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Relationships

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Original poster

Unsure how to react after comment from DP.

61 replies

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 03:12

On Saturday DP told me "you never dress like a woman."
There is slight context as I was offering to lend him something for Halloween as my last couple of costumes have been unisex - however he specified he was referring to my everyday wear, jeans and blouses etc.
I confronted him about it, he knows it upset me and has apologised, but I can't seem to get past it!

Generally I am a "top and jeans" person, but made an effort to wear dresses and skirts for much of the summer as I know DP prefers them. I also enjoyed dressing up in the bedroom, but after his comment I feel like stopping making an effort entirely, and don't know what to do to sort things out. I don't believe the comment was intended to criticise me per se, DP has a tendency to speak before he thinks, and he is in many ways lovely so I really want to get things back on track relationship wise.

If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2018 03:26

Sorry but my reaction would be "fuck off DP".

You made an effort to dress how he likes and got no appreciation.

Do you criticise how he looks?

Original poster

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 03:36

As far as I'm aware I've never criticised how he looks, I'm pretty self conscious regarding my own appearance so I try to never criticise looks.

While it was obviously a twattish, thoughtless thing to say, he has apologised after I told him it upset me - but an apology doesn't let me erase it from my memory!
I just don't know how things go back to normal. It seems a reasonably minor offence but it's in my head now that he isn't happy with me as I am.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for replying!

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 16/10/2018 04:02

This is probably bad advice but I wouldn’t be able to let that lie. I would need to know why he said it, what exactly he meant (how do you ‘never dress like a woman’ when you’ve been wearing dresses all summer?!) and what, in his mind, would constitute you ‘dressing like a woman’? Not sure it’s the healthiest behaviour but I would definitely obsess about what he meant otherwise and why the fuck should I internalise that when he caused it by saying something hurtful?

As I say I’m not sure my way of dealing with it is good/healthy but it seems very unfair that you’re left with all the angst and worry of what he really meant by that comment, especially when you’ve made such an effort to dress the way he likes.

It’s a bit worrying that you’ve felt you had to do that actually and it’s no wonder you’re questioning the comment so much if he’s already making you feel you need to change for him. Do you think you could have a calm conversation with him where you explain the feeling it (along with the preferring you to wear dresses etc maybe?) has left you with and ask him to explain properly why he said it?

Monty27 · 16/10/2018 04:09

Really?

Original poster

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 04:22

Hidingtonothing - You make a lot of really good points, and seem to have similar thought processes to me with regard to obsessing over it. I was initially hoping to not bring it up with him again as I feel I've been unnecessarily sensitive recently (currently seeking treatment for depression so sometimes I wonder if my viewpoint is skewed). I don't think there's any other way around it though!

To be fair to him, I haven't felt pressured into wearing dresses - just that when I'd worn them in the past he had been very complimentary, so felt that wearing them a bit more would be nice for both of us.

Thank you for your reply, it's given me a lot to think about.

Monty27 - Yep!

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 16/10/2018 04:22

This is such a tricky one. How is the romantic/ sexual side of your relationship?

If I am very honest, I do work a little on my fashion and appearance to be attractive but I also manipulate ( is that the right word, it sounds machiavellian) my husband's appearance. I encourage the gym and buy him clothes so that he looks attractive.

Though, when he comes home in his suit ( he buys all his work clothes) I always get a little flutter because he looks so handsome to me

Yonijust · 16/10/2018 04:27

made an effort to wear dresses and skirts for much of the summer as I know DP prefers them

My advice to my DD a while back, was never look nice for anyone else, especially a man. You do it for you.

Shes at primary school though, but Im instilling self confidence in her as early as possible.

Original poster

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 04:35

sofato5miles - neither of us are big gesture people, so it's a little hard to judge how we are romantically, but I'd say things are good. We've been on a couple of long weekends away over the summer, and we generally have - pretty good - sex 2/3 times a week (not living together so that's as often as we see each other).

I do feel I make an effort when I see him, even when I'm not wearing dresses etc; nice blouses and jeans in good condition, jewellery and nail polish and so on.

There's honestly very little I'd change about his appearance (though I also buy him the odd shirt), so it knocks my confidence a bit to get a comment like I did on Saturday.

Totally agree it's a tricky one! Thanks for your input.

OP posts:

Original poster

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 04:40

Yonijust - that is very good advice. To be fair I do enjoy wearing dresses and feel I look good in them, and felt good about myself in turn, so I wasn't doing something I loathed just for him. It is a bit disheartening to get his comment after that though, if that makes sense! Thank you.

OP posts:

PhilomenaButterfly · 16/10/2018 04:44

I live in shirts and jeans. I have a 7yo and still spend a lot of time every morning and evening on the floor.

Original poster

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 04:52

Just for a little background information: we've been together a year and a couple of months, no children, not yet living together. We have loads in common and he really is a lovely man aside from an occasional thoughtless comment, he compliments me often and is genuinely distressed when I'm upset, especially when he's been the cause of it. He did do his best to reassure me when he realised he'd upset me, saying of course I was feminine/beautiful/etc.
Just a shame the thoughtless comment sinks in so much easier!

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/10/2018 04:55

Reply "neither do you, why is that?"

Original poster

OldGreyBoots · 16/10/2018 04:56

PyongyangKipperbang - Ha! Wish I'd been quick enough to tackle it like that to be honest!

OP posts:

SalemBlackCat4 · 16/10/2018 05:10

Some men enjoy a feminine woman. The way a skirt flows or sits, the outline of a dress. There is nothing wrong with that. Or you wearing jeans if that is what you're comfortable in. It is just a clash, that's all.

barbiegrl · 16/10/2018 05:11

I'm sorry that you felt put down,but from your further posts it seems like you actually have a pretty good relationship so I think you have to try and get over this thoughtless comment. My husband prefers me to wear very short skirts,which I was happy to do when we first got married,but 16 years in,two children and two stone later I feel much less inclined to indulge him! He usually sees me in "mum attire" now but is always effusive with compliments when we go out-the skirts are a little longer now but I try to make sure I wear something I know he will appreciate. You mentioned that you were hurt by his comment and he has apologized, I would put it from my mind and get back to your lovely relationship.

safetyfreak · 16/10/2018 05:17

I am a jeans and top girl, I do wear make up though and do my hair but I just prefer the more casual look.

If my boyfriend had a problem with that, tough we are just not compatible.

GreenMeerkat · 16/10/2018 05:30

My DH prefers it when I look feminine and make an effort, I honestly think that most men do. But he would never say it so bluntly. He just makes lots of compliments when I dress up to go out. I have two young children (soon to be three) so I'm usually in jeans or leggings, hair up.l, no makeup, no nails etc etc so I think it's just a 'treat' for him when I do dress up.

I think, as you've said, your DP was just clumsy in what he said and does genuinely feel bad about upsetting you. I think his feelings are probably similar to my DH.

Newbie7077 · 16/10/2018 06:49

I actually don't think this is right at all. "Dress like a woman"?? that sentence doesn't sit right with me at all. He doesn't dictate what you wear. It's one thing keeping after your physical appearance as no one can deny that attraction stems from that but the clothing you wear? and also to use that particular phrase. Doesn't sit right with me at all. Grh

Overyou · 16/10/2018 06:55

I’d hate to feel pressure to wear skirts and dresses all summer to please a man. I’ve never been with anyone who would say that or even hint at it. You have to be accepted as you are.

AnyFucker · 16/10/2018 06:56

"Dress like a woman" ?

What does that mean then ? If I don't wear frocks does that make me a non-woman ? If a bloke puts a skirt on, does that make him a woman ?

Your bloke sounds a bit thick, tbh. Don't ever pander to that shit.

Monty27 · 16/10/2018 06:57

I'm a jeans and top person too. Going out with DP as he was overweight would always "suggest" I should just wear jeans.
Because that's all he had that fitted him.
I would go all out and scrub up and dress really femininely. I quite enjoyed it actually.
He's an ex now.
And I am wearing jeans and dms like I always did.
Does that make sense?
Just don't be told how to look.

Faithless12 · 16/10/2018 07:07

I don’t like the dress like a woman statement and wouldn’t be so keen to let it lie. Why does he feel he can say this to you? Does he go out of his way to dress in a way you like? Or look after himself? Why is it you that has to make an effort but he doesn’t? If it’s fair game for him to comment on how you dress you need to do the same back, there is little point caring about how he feels when he clearly doesn’t care about how you feel.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 16/10/2018 07:14

Dress like a woman would get my hackles up too, but I am a grumpy middle aged woman who doesn't take kindly to being gender stereotyped.

Volant · 16/10/2018 07:15

What century is he living in? Does he keep his eyes open when he is out and about? Has he not noticed that an awful lot of women wear trousers and jeans and that that very obviously means that you are dressing like a woman?

Butterymuffin · 16/10/2018 07:21

Did you bring up the wearing of dresses and skirts during the summer? If he said 'yes, but..'or says he didn't notice then it feels like you made that effort for nothing and he now has a 'jeans' image of you stuck in his head that he reacts against. I would also find it difficult to let this go.

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